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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't control this jealousy :(

108 replies

Tops38 · 07/04/2014 18:20

I've been married for 15 Years,have four children,our own home etc. I'm so jealous and possessive and I hate it. Hubby doesn't go out much at all but when he does he is stupid,gets ridiculously drunk,goes AWOL,loses things. He's very friendly and the thought of him flirting makes me feel physically sick.
When he's out I sit and torture myself with what he could be doing.Each time he's planning a night out I argue with him for days before hand,I threaten divorce. I just get so unbelievably upset and angry that he's actually going out I can never say goodbye to him when he goes out,usually I tell him I hate him and not to bother coming home
We then don't speak for a day or two afterwards. It sucks but I can't help it.
My dad had an affair for years behind our backs and walked out one day and that started my trust issues.
Then I caught hubby exchanging disgusting emails with a colleague in a different part of the country years ago when I was pregnant which gutted me. Nothing physical happened,he was being stupid,they never met but it still made me wary. I know I chose to stay but I love him and he's a good dad.He's never cheated,he works hard but I just don't trust anyone and I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 20:15

balding, sorry but are you seriously expecting me to believe that if a woman came on here and said that her husband argued with her for days before they were due to go out, threaten divorce, tell her he hated her and not to bother coming home when she goes out and then not speak to her for a day or two afterwards, you'd say that wasn't in the least abusive and "we all say things we shouldn't?"

And that the children, the eldest of 9 aren't picking up on this?

I am not for one moment minimising what this guy did 7 years ago but IF someone agrees to take someone back and make a go of it, and have two more children, then after a certain amount of time you have to bury the past. If you can't do that, then you seek counselling to try and help or split up.

Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 20:15

Mini..nope. I trusted him totally before I found the mails. We both went out regularly without each other. He went on stay weekends and I went away with my friends for weekends. All changed the day I found the messages.
I was devastated by my dads actions.We were very very close then,he left me with his debt,my mum having a breakdown. I never carried those feelings over to hubby though because our relationship is different to my parents. Then when I read the messages it felt like the two men I've ever totally trusted both threw it in my face. Not a nice feeling.
Where do I ask about councelling?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 20:17

Notnew.. I GET IT... I'm asking for help,advice. You've made your feelings clear so back off please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 20:19

Balding nope,don't share passwords,none of that. I don't check his phone or mail or face book. It quite literally is only when he goes out that I panic :-/

OP posts:
HandragsNGladbags · 07/04/2014 20:25

Could you have couples counselling so he realises exactly what the emails did to you?

NothingMoreScaryThanAHairyMary · 07/04/2014 20:35

I think his issues with alcohol have a lot to do with this situation.

If he says he's coming back at 12 then gets roaring drunk every time he does have issues. (You do not need to be drinking every night to have issues with alcohol).

Given the back story you know what you are facing when he talks of a night out.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff · 07/04/2014 20:38

tops I would ask fir complete access to all passwords till you can forge some way ahead with the trust.

Forgive and forget really means pretend it didn't happen. Sometimes people just can't do that especially with his irresponsible behaviour since.

If a man came on here with role reversal I would say exactly the same.
When trust has been smashed ,paranoia \ jealousy is a all consuming poisonous place to reside in. Hideous .

Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 21:09

Where do I access councelling? I've had enough of feeling this way. I want the old happy to lucky me back x

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 07/04/2014 21:11

Google "counsellors" or "counselling services" in your county - should come up with a list.

Simplesusan · 07/04/2014 21:12

Book an appointment to see your G.P and explian things to them, then ask to see a counsellor.

I agree that what your dh did was awful, no wonder you feel threatened when he goes out.

MiniTheMinx · 07/04/2014 21:12

I think an internet search for your local area should turn something up Tops38. A recommendation from someone you know is probably better but do a search.

Quitelikely · 07/04/2014 21:18

You will end up driving him away. And believe me most affairs don't even start via a night out.

Is he married or in jail?

I sympathise with you but sort yourself out. I do think he has paid the price of his email a thousand times over.

Quitelikely · 07/04/2014 21:20

Also to add this relationship is definitely a template for your childrens future ones. Jealousy is not a good quality

Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 21:22

Quite likely.. I'm trying to do just that..or can you not see that? To be fair I've had enough of being told the same thing over and over when I've ALREADY said I need to change things.
Sort myself out.. If only it were that easy... You evidently have never been in my position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 21:25

Oh isn't a good quality? Really? And there was me thinking it was a really good attribute Wink
What is this?" State the obvious" day?
I've come on here and told people things I have NEVER told before. I've said I need help to change and deal with it. Can we please remember that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 21:26

Simplesusan I have a meds review with my GP on fri,Ill ask him then,Thankyou x

OP posts:
Milly101 · 07/04/2014 21:50

Chin up tops, there not a very nice bunch over at mumsnet

LineRunner · 07/04/2014 22:09

OK, you've been brave coming on here asking for help. I'm glad you will have an opportunity to ask your GP to refer you for counselling quite quickly.

DubBgoodToMe · 07/04/2014 22:15

What's the meds review? If you don't mind me asking?! Just wondering if it's anti depressants and therefore related.

Ignore the comments you dislike on here. You accept you need to change and that's fantastic. There's something called relate which is counselling for couples I think. I'm not sure how you get on to it but GP is definitely the first step Grin

Will you keep us updated on how you're doing?

I think your husbands behaviour when he is out also adds to this a lot. I had this and as soon as I heard him say he was going out I'd be on edge until that night wondering what he would be like when he came back.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/04/2014 22:17

Notnew your missing the bit where the wife stays out all night taking the piss.

Charley50 · 07/04/2014 22:21

Why are some people being so horrible? Op came in here admitting she was jealous and asking for help. You can't compare that to his side of the story but you could compare it to a man coming here saying he had a problem with jealousy and asking for help.
OP; hope you get some help as it does sound like your partner and you have some unresolved issues. I have suffered from jealousy too but only when it is a natural reaction to a partners behaviour.

badbaldingballerina123 · 07/04/2014 22:24

I don't think this is a jealousy issue. It's a consequence of being treated badly. What help is he going to get Op ? Or is he going to carry on as he likes ?

trappedinsuburbia · 07/04/2014 22:27

Op I was like this once, I cant recommend CBT enough, it really changed my life, I got it through the GP.
Fwiw, I dont think his current behaviour is helping much.

Original poster
Tops38 · 07/04/2014 22:32

Meds are pain meds for a leg problem and yes I did start on fluoxetine three Years ago.
So.
I just mentioned counselling .he said and I quote " what a load of b..cks" I've said sorry,it's your problem not mine,there's nothing wrong with our relationship,I'm not being a hermit for the rest of my life,and I'm not promising again to change how I am when I go out because I've never stuck to it before."
I'm in tears here. I think it's to late to sort out :(
Balding I don't go out, I ended up cutting my friends off pretty much because I got scared that one night out for me meant hubby was owed one. How sad is that! :(

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 07/04/2014 22:39

How hurtful. I don't think he's ever really understood what he's done to you. You haven't got a jealousy problem, you've got a husband problem.

I can't imagine speaking to my spouse like that. I think you've possibly stuffed your feelings down your throat for years in order to continue in your marriage.