Does anyone else feel like they've lost their friends since Mummydom?

[goreousgirl]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment - I've told dh that I feel really lonely. I'm not short of people who want to chat and be friendly - and offers of visits from other people - but I so very specifically want to find a family just like us, where we all like each other and each others kids etc - and it seems impossible. My two are 6 (dd) and 2 (ds). I feel so angry with everyone and wound up and think I'm being unreasonable. DH recently lost FT job - but has been making ends meet with long contracts. Over summer hols I went away with my family who were a great help - but I actually don't have ANY friends that either a) want to spend time with me and my kids or b) I want to spend time with them! Is this an age thing (me or kids) - or do I need to start chilling?

i'm 37 and most of my mates don't want children i've gone along with it alone for ages

I'm 37 and have no real mates either.

I have a few I see every now and again, but no-one I would call a great mate, and those I do have I have to do all the chasing/calling etc.

You're not alone there, I think I frighten people too much. I just get on, I have an activity or 2 which I enjoy, other wise, its me & the boys & DH

Ooh - same age!! I've got lots of friends with kids - they aren't the same age gap and it makes all the difference! I either like the mum or the dad - or I like the kids but not the parents or their kids don't like my kids - it's just never simple!

Are you guys happy with the situation - or do you crave close friends though? Am I looking for something that's not there?

well i feel sad that my friends are missing out not having children

Are they still good friends to you and yours though - or have they started falling by the wayside because of your different lives?

we're still friends but with different views of the future

Thanks for answering anyhow! I wondered if loads of people would say - yeah I'm like that too - but maybe it is me......!

All our old, good, close friends now live in different cities to us. We've got to know a few people locally, mostly through having DS. I enjoy hanging out with some of the mums and los, but we don't necessarily have that much in common apart from the children. Its hard to find like-minded souls I think.

Hi all you lonely people.

I'm 37 as well and in the same boat as the rest of you.

Some of my oldest friends don't have children and we don't see each other as they find it hard to accept the fact that we have a life that revolves around childen.

Can't seem to understand that i can't go out at the drop of a hat like i used to before i had kids.

Most of the friend i have are friends i've made at school, where are children are friends.

But only really close to 3 of them.

I agree with you.
When i was younger i seemed to have loads of mates and we'd all go out together week after week and have a great time. (what we could remember)!!!!!
Now mates are different.
My no.1 priority is now my children, not me.

I have a laugh with friends that i have, but we don't go out.

Can't remember last time i went out without kids!!!!!!!

Things do change when you have children. My pre-kids friends had thier first children around the same time I had my first (give or take a year) and you would think that would be perfect but everyone's values change with kids and you find yourself going a different way.
For example: 2 friends carried on as if nothing happened (didn't bf for long and carried on going out, getting drunk and clubbing). Although I didn't breastfeed for long either I suffered from PND and just couldn't carry on my previous lifestyle even if I had wanted to (I was just sooooo tired)
One of them hated being at home with her baby and so she went back to full time work as soon as she could and very much looked down on me and my fervent wish to stay home (although i had to go back to work to start with)
One of them had 3 babies in quick succession and so didn't have time to see much of me ...
One of them was married to a wealthy guy and went the 'yummy mummy' route complete with 4x4 car, designer clothes, acrylic nails (who can change nappies with those on????), part time nanny, gym membership etc
I am not saying that my way was the best way (far from it - I was a basket case from PND) but we all stopped seeing things from the same angle and the goal posts changed.

Anyway, no big drama - no fall outs or anything, but I eventually moved to NZ and was in the same boat as you gorgeosgirl ... trying to find the 'ultimate' friend ...
It took a while but after 2 years, purely by chance, I met a fab woman who moved in 2 doors down from me. Her kids are the same age as mine, roughly (I have a 4 year gap too), her DD and my DS are just such good friends, my DD just LOVES her DS. We have similar views on things, we laugh over the same things, she is a couple of years younger but is also English and went to Uni near my Uni ... we have different tastes in music and clothes and furniture and stuff but celebrate that fact - rather than one looking down on the other IYSWIM?
She is just fantastic and one of my favourite places to be is sitting at her kitchen table with a coffee/glass of wine in front of me, listening to the kids play and setting the world to rights.
I will be very very sad to leave NZ next year because I will miss her so ... but she has family in Aus and has promised to come visit
It takes time, and much of it is luck but don't give up - the next person you meet could be that friend that you are looking for

i am the same. im a forces wife and move alot. i have a few good friends who i stay in touch with but we are in diferent countries. one i was very close to and we really hit it off. she even came out to cyprus on holiday just so she could see me, then she split from her dh, got a new fella and now doesnt return my calls which does upset me as we used to be so close. the friends i had before i got pg ihad a laugh with going out etc and we all had babies within months of each other but due to problems with depression in my house, they stuck together and didnt bother with me. also though i did find that i didnt want to do the same things as them as my views changed when i had ds. they smoke and i didnt want to take ds to their house because of it, also they were happy to take their LO's into smoky pubs whereas i wont. also they dont have the same parenting style as me and i think they think im abit weird and spoiling ds by doing AP.

im hopefully moving again soon back to the uk so maybe i'll find a close friend then but i know what you mean. i would really love to have a friend i could have coffee etc with and let the kids play etc. i do feel lonely especially being away from family etc. my SIL is still really good friends with her friends from school, they all have kids and still do stuff together and i look at that and wish i could have that but i havent. moving around alot doesnt help as some people cant be bothered staying in touch.

im sure i'll find a friend sometime, until then ive just got to stop isolating myself and try and meet new people

Hi - me too!

Making friends is the one thing I feel a real failure at since I had my two - now six and nearly two.

I'm 39 and gave up work when I had my second daughter. DH has really struggled to find work since (he was a house-husband for four years with DD #1) and has been doing contract work, which is scaryily unrealiable moneywise and he gets annoyed. I think he feels a bit of a failure, which he is not, he just really wants to get back into a career.

There were a couple of mums DH was chummy with when he was at home, but we just haven't gelled (it doesn't help that when I see them out and about, they just want to reminisce about what a great time they had with my husband! )

I tried with the school-run mums, but they seem either too cliquey or I just don't like them. I still see an old school friend every six months or more, but she is onto pregnancy no. 4, lives many miles away and I don't have a car (I can't afford one).

I'd love to think that one day soon I'll meet someone I really get along with, who I won't get bored or irriated by and who likes my kids and DH too !!!!

I do try to be nice and chat to everyone in social situations but I have become a bit paranoid sometimes - worrying that everyone hates me even though I don't actually want to be friends with them

Is there an answer, except to keep on going?!

Really glad to have read all these posts - a lot of familiar feelings coming through - making me feel almost normal - lol at Madal 'worrying people hate me even tho don't want to be their friend' - that is SO me!!!

I'm 21 and all my close mates have forgotten me sob Have wicked boyfriend though, so not truly alone. Spend alot of my time worrying people i've never met hate me too!

I worry that the friends I have who already have children will make judgements by comparison - i.e. that I choose bottle over breast, that I choose to get help with childcare and keep my tiny business going, and so on...

And then I worry that its hard to meet new friends who are mums, for fear that all we'll ever talk about is the 'domestic' side of life.

And then I think of some of the friendsI've had for years who now seem totally inappropriate - i.e. they still want me to meet them 'in town' at the drop of a hat for a few glasses of wine when I just want to go to bed early and read a book.

But, yes, essentially - I feel the whole friendship thing under strain / unravelling / like an impossible thing to find...

I've kept all my friends from my old home town except one. It's such an effort to keep in touch though, I mean creating time to go and see them and have them here, especially as there are three different groups of 3 and 4. Here,since having kids, I've found friendships funny. Very transient, very important at the the time (we moved to a large town and when ds1 was about 3 we moved about 6 miles away) but harder to maintain. 6 miles is nothing but with the kids at different schools it's harder to keep in touch. Here, where I am now in a smaller town feel like I know loads of people through the kids but I'm relishing the time on my own more. However, sometimes if I'm feeling low I do think, who actually are my friends here? Are they more good acquaintances? It just doesn't compare to my friends from years ago. What I find weird is people here don't know when my birthday is, what my sister's called what my school was called etc. Even though I might see them most days at the school and go for coffee etc. The chat is mostly about the kids.

It's SO comforting to read these posts. Since the births of my many children I have felt increasingly isolated, tired and miserable.
I need company but find I neither have the energy or inclination to go out.
I am also aware that it is stressful for even those with children to be around all of mine. It's not that they are monsters at all, but they are a crowd and I'm very concious of not wanting to foist us on people.
I love my children but the price is very high at the mo. It will get easier, I'm sure.

Also, I'm sure I'm not alone in this, I find all the competitiveness between mums really weird. I just do not have that with my old friends, even though they all have children. With these new friends it's a constant battle to appear zen like and mother earthy. If I've had a bad day and moan about eg ds1, someone might say they've had a wonderful day with so and so, he's behaved amazingly well. NOT HELPFUL! I then go on the phone to old friends and they make me feel better. SuperMums we call them!

I lost any single or married without children friends that I had but have kept in touch with friends with children.
Things change so vastly when you have children I don't think a lot of people realise.
My old best friend got married a couple of months ago and I didn't even get an invite which really did hurt me but that's life and I know that she's preoccupied with other things.
Would like to meet someone with children the same age as mine tho.

Same here, I have no real friends!! I used to have loads,and a brilliant best friend who emigrated to Florida although we had grown a bit apart towards the end as she never wanted children, just partied all the time, which was great in my 20s but then i had 2 children one after the other so I couldn't do it.
I work part time and have people there that I get on great with but if I left my job I don't think we would stay in touch. I also have 3 sisters and we are all close in age and get on well. I think that maybe that is why I have never made much effort as me and my sisters all live near each other and see each other all the time. That is brilliant but I would still love a couple of close friends outside of the family as there are things I maybe wouldn't confide in to my sisters that I maybe would with a friend outside of the family.

i think what is hard for me is that any friends i might make in the environment that i live in tend to be very fickle and you cant really trust people. so its hard not having anyone to talk to about any personal problems or have a cry with etc