Does anyone else feel like they've lost their friends since Mummydom?

[goreousgirl]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment - I've told dh that I feel really lonely. I'm not short of people who want to chat and be friendly - and offers of visits from other people - but I so very specifically want to find a family just like us, where we all like each other and each others kids etc - and it seems impossible. My two are 6 (dd) and 2 (ds). I feel so angry with everyone and wound up and think I'm being unreasonable. DH recently lost FT job - but has been making ends meet with long contracts. Over summer hols I went away with my family who were a great help - but I actually don't have ANY friends that either a) want to spend time with me and my kids or b) I want to spend time with them! Is this an age thing (me or kids) - or do I need to start chilling?

I think I have become quite deskilled as far as friends are concerned. I used to be pretty confident and outgoing. Now, although I can put on a pretty good face, inside I'm a mass of insecurity and self doubt. I always think that people are having a much better time than me, they probably are!

I found that just having my step children changed me as I also didn't want the same partying lifestyle or putting them in smokey environments etc. I wanted to change so that I would be alert and up early with them so they enjoy their time with us and make the most of it...my choice but most friends haven't taken this very well I don't think. I found also that when I settled some people couldn't understand that money doesn't stretch how it used to.
When you are single you please yourself and then when settled and children are involved priorities normally change I think.

What a comfort this post is. Thought it was just me ! I have found that just because you all have children the same age you aren't necessarily going to be friends. Also, people who have their families close by (which I don't) don't need you as a friend. Have tried to invite people round for coffee etc but it never seems to turn into much. When your children get older everybody goes back to work, anyway. So have I - part-time. I think it's easier to make friends when you have freedom - a lot to ask, as you have all said, to expect whole families to get along with each other. Has anyone else found making friends through your children a bit of a minefield ? If they fall out it can be tense ! Have made one or two friends through work, but find most people haven't got the time. You are right about the competitive Mum thing - modern life seems so competitive - house, garden, work etc. etc. Maybe we're all too tense to be natural with each other !! Don't think I'm going to miss playground chats - my dd goes to secondary school in Sept, so will see even fewer people ! Have decided I'd rather be alone than feel lonely when surrounded by the wrong people ! Trouble is, joining clubs and going every week is difficult when you've got children and that's how I made my friends when I was younger.

So many brilliant things being said on this thread - Kittywitts - if you are so very aware of the turmoil your kids MIGHT cause - then you sound like a very sensitive and lovely person to be around anyway - no matter how many kids you have!!

I'm getting so much comfort from the things that I am feeling, that other people are putting into words on this thread - it's really helped me - thanks to everyone so far!! I'm on the 'Who I Am' thread - quite an interesting read - and I think having 2 kids of 2 and 6 appears to be quite unusual - so that doesn't help in making friends either...

How very sweet of you GG! To be honest I reckon half of my friendship/socialising problems stem from the fact that I'm always trying to second guess others' needs and feelings.
I always manage to shove mine to the bottom of the pile. I'm working on this one!! But it's a tough one!!
The isolation I have felt during these summer hols has made me detirmined to start new friendships and try to revive some older ones once the school year has started.

im 21 years old and have 2 kids, my youngest a month old. before i had my children my life used to revolve around my friends and going out and wasting all my money on drinks.

most of my friends are at uni and im the only one with children and the only one living with their partner.

my life now revolves around my family but i still cherish my friends because they helped me through so much and its good to go out with friends to let your hair down and not have to worry about watching the kids.

after i got pregnant with my second child my best friends didnt bother to come and visit me, they didnt ring me to find out how i was coping, when we arranged to meet up they kept cancelling and i felt like i was the only one making the effort to keep in touch.

you just realise how as you start getting older everyone goes their different directions but its nice when you can make time for those who matter.

This thread is marvellous!
I feel exactly the same as everyone else here-so does that make us really really normal?! That's what I'm reading into it

Everything I wanted to say has already been said. I used to have a huge group of friends, socialised all the time, full time career before ds etc. Now, i have a few friends that I see so that, tbh, my ds has friends to play with. There is one mum who I could see myself being closer to but sometimes that whole competition thing gets in the way-I'm so not into that.
It's been said to me by a few mums that I seem to be just happy plodding along and going out with ds, which I am, but it's also nice to have a friend to chat too sometimes I think.

I worry sometimes that I'm not setting a good example for my ds - does anyone else feel like that?

Thanks for this thread. It's really helped

wouldn't it be lovely if all us poor ladies could all meet up. I'm sure we'd get along just fine

lets all have a big group hug xx

We probably would kittywits!
Thanks for the hug

I do have a couple of mates but they dont have kids yet. Ive two kids with special needs and i dont know anyone who has a kid with sn. So its not really easy for me to make friends, im a bit shy and guarded anyway in rl due to a bit of bullying when i was younger so i dont open up to i know people for a while. Im so glad theres a thread like this!

it's lovely reading this thread, I used to have more friends than anyone I know but since dd came 18 months ago they've whittled away - as someone said even the ones with children the same age as mine are hard to see regularly - because we live in London and it takes about 2 hours to get across town to meet up, not ideal with small children. I think when you have a family your loyalties change - if your dh is annoying you you find it very hard to confess even to closest friends, because your loyalty is with him, so a lot of the confidences friendships are based on go out of the window and you find yourself without any of the meaty stuff which really helps keep a friendship going

gorgeousgirl ... the 4 year age gap is a bit unusual isn't it (mine are 6 and 2 aswell ). My DS has friends but their little brothers and sisters are too old for my DD (they are usually over 3).
That is why it was so lucky I met my friend ... she has a 3 and a half year gap - her DD is a 4 months younger than my DS and her DS is 4 months older than my DD - it is a good match
TBH my DH and I have become closer - we are the only friends we have - especially for my DH - he has no close friends at all here ... his only social life is work dos or things I organise.
Also ... put yourself out there ... be sociable, be friendly, invite people over for coffee - you never know who you will meet and become friends with

Since being part of this thread today I've been making a real effort to phone people up and have actually arranged to go and stay overnight with a girl friend I've known for about 14 years. she has 4 children and now lives about a 2 hour drive from us, so meeting up isn't easy. I feel so much better for having done that and she's so relaxed that having my brood isn't a problem for her

My kids have the same age gap as goreousgirl - 6 and 2 (well, 1 yr 10 months actually).

I think part of my problem is that I got through the baby stage and into school, and then it all started again! That made me feel a bit odd, like I wasn't a real mum cos i hadn't been at it, hands on with babies for several years. I also feel like none of this is real. It's as if I am 'borrowing' time to be a mummy, and that at any second now i'm going to be woken up!?

When it comes to making friends with other parents, I have a sort of arms-length attitude. They are the career mummies/daddies - I'm just playing at it

But this thread has made me realise I need to act. So I am going to:

a) call/email everyone in my address book and if they agree to meet up, do so sometime in the next few months. Something may rekindle?

b) Invite some school-run/playgroup mums over for coffee. Those who are shy like I was may avoid, but at least I can assess the rest in my own environment for once

Bit brave, but I intend to begin this week, I hope!

What a wonderfully reassuring thread!

We moved out of London before I had DS (now 14mths) and it's been really hard to make new friends. Lots of friendly people around, but getting beyond the polite 'small talk' and actually establishing real friendships has been sooo hard. Especially finding people who DH enjoys spending time with too!

DS has been a big help, and I now have 2 really good mummy friends who have similar attitudes to life and motherhood. Humfrey really hit on a point for me though - being able to sound off about family stuff, particularly niggles with DH - is really hard - particularly when they don't yet know DH well. You don't want to put them off!! Looking back, so much of developing close friendships has been about sharing confidences, and it just takes so much longer to develop that kind of trust. Especially when most conversations are interrupted a hundred times by the little ones and you're constantly forgetting what you're talking about!!

I'm 37 and have just been through similiar thing. Must be mid life crisis!

This is such a lovely thread. I've been feeling a bit sad about how i don't see some friends very much anymore. It seems when DS was a newborn people were itching to see us all the time and now he's older some seem to have disapeared. But i guess it does work both ways and i must admit you get so caught up in family life that you don't always make the effort you should. So like Madal i'm going to be proactive today and call friends and make plans to see them. I've also never been to a mums and tots group so i'm going to be brave and find one.

I am 24 and in the exact same possition! I too thought it was just me. 'Maybe its me thats weird of dsomething!?' but i know its not. I knew things would change when i had ds1 but i still saw some of them. Then my mum passed away in Jan and i only herd from 2 of them! At the time i did not realise but now whe i look back i realised they were all just 'drinking' friends.
I would love to meet another family just like mine, to have something in common with them at least you know?
In September i am starting college part time to do Hairdressing and i am so excited. a) it will get me out the house to meet new people (poss new friends) b)get me on the road for work again after children go to school. But most of all it is something for just me

You are right this is an incredibly reassuring thread. I so crave a real proper mummy friend - and I don't have one. My real proper friends from pre kids now either have kids of diff ages, live far away, or are just starting their families now. I miss them but bar one or two the intimacy we once had has changed. I like many women I mix with - school/ nursery school mums, but crave a soul mate that I am beginning to think doesn't exist. Everyone else seems more content with their lot which frustrates me more. I feel lonely, freakish at times. I do feel I scare people when I am honest about how parenthood and life is. I feel I should be compromising in what I want from a friendship - but the problem with having had interesting friends and a lovely job before kids is that life does seem so much less intense now. Of course I love my kids madly, but would love a really proper post children friend too...

I have moved to a new area and my toddler is so active that I am finding it difficult to make new friendships. I am sitting down doing chatting and then she is off - invariably doing something she shouldn't!

Anyone in a similar position in North Essex?

goreous girl, i would just like to say a big thank you for starting this thread. i thought that it just me. I have really struggled with the whole friends thing and has gone from the ' i dont need a close friend end of the spectrum to i would really like a good friend but not just any friend' end. so many of the 'mums' friends i have are so judgemental it drives me to distraction. I end up brooding and that make it worse. the exclusive cum playground behaviour drives me insane even when I am asked to participate. I m not perfect but I am loyal/ supportive to my friends - why is it so hard to find genuine friends?

Good for you, Dunnyjo. I started a course when pg with ds2 and it has been hard work and stressful but I have loved every minute of it! Kept me sane.

I can certainly empathise with some of the stuf on here.

We moved (just) outside London when i was 7 months pregnant (DD now 8mths, nearly). Making friends is tough - not something I have ever been very good at.

I'm very lucky because I have a wonderful neighbour with a daughter just a few days older than mine.

But this thread has also inspired me to get in touch with a bunch of other mums in the area who are lovely, but i find myself very shy in front of. (they probably haven't noticed that though).

I wouldn't say I have lost touch with my old mates, but I don't see them as often - they are all in town, and it is hard making the trek in with the little one. And it is also a big ask for them to come to me for the same reasons.

One friend regularly complains that my conversations were much more interesting before I had my DD. Charming, no?

Thanks for this thread as I was beginning to feel this was a unique problem for myself. Pre DS I worked full time and most of my friendships came through work. Post DS would agree that I have a lot of superficial 'how are you' conversations with other mums who live locally & at mum and toddler groups but I wouldn't classify these as friendships. I think are are a lot of expectations (in the press, books) that motherhood automatically brings lots of new friendships. There is this myth that once you have given birth you find lots of new friends and spend whole days popping into each others houses and developing close friendships - it is easy to feel a failure when this doesn't happen. Would agree that it is very hard when family and old school/uni friends don't live nearby as I have also found that a lot of mums have this support and so are perhaps less needful of friendships.