Does anyone else feel like they've lost their friends since Mummydom?

[goreousgirl]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment - I've told dh that I feel really lonely. I'm not short of people who want to chat and be friendly - and offers of visits from other people - but I so very specifically want to find a family just like us, where we all like each other and each others kids etc - and it seems impossible. My two are 6 (dd) and 2 (ds). I feel so angry with everyone and wound up and think I'm being unreasonable. DH recently lost FT job - but has been making ends meet with long contracts. Over summer hols I went away with my family who were a great help - but I actually don't have ANY friends that either a) want to spend time with me and my kids or b) I want to spend time with them! Is this an age thing (me or kids) - or do I need to start chilling?

Thanks for starting this thread GoreousGirl,

what a relief to find it isn't just me. I sometimes feel like I am weird because I don't/can't find much in common with the mums in my antenatal group etc They all seem to be able to just click with each other and don't seem to be like me at all. I also find that I tend to make an effort which isn't reciprocated in the same way, so I have to say I can't be bothered with it all any more. I do feel like I have lost touch with all of my 'just for me' friends, and only have one or two close mum friends.

Not sure how to change this either, am now pg with my 2nd, and dreading maternity leave this time round - don't know what I'm going to do with myself to stop the lonliness and isolation. Thank god for MN.

If you think about it, our lonliness is one of the reasons for the tremendous success of Mumsnet. Here we chat as we would with our old friends if they were still around, and we can grumble about our kids and spouses in a way our single/childless friends wouldn't comprehend.

agree with clumsymum!

Family tried to warn me that having a child could be very isolating. I didn't believe them as so many of my friends were excited at the thought of me having a baby and were very involved in the pregnancy.

Then ds was actually born. They either haven't seen him at all, or at most have seen him a handful of times. He is nearly 2 now. These were people that I have been close friends with for years and years. We just don't really fit into their life anymore - we don't do all the partying and everything we did pre-ds. We see them sometimes (when we make the effort) but there is a widening gap between us.

It really doesn't seem to bother OH. He is happy with his life as it is. I am happy, mostly, and adore my son more than anything.

However, I am a student and it is the holidays. A whole month regularly goes by without me seeing anyone but family. I have 2 good friends now. 1 at uni (so don't see her much during summer for various reasons) and another who is a mum and again its difficult for us to meet.

How pathetic do I sound?

i totally agree clmsymum, i love the fact i can poop my butt on the chair and let it all out on mumsnet either with a nice cuppa or wine

seems i'm in the same boat as well, had a really great social life previous to motherhood but now i have arranged activities 2/3 a week ie mum/todder groups. Any friends i do have with kids live miles from me

Sorry forgot to say, I have lodger as well (a good friend of ours), but we count him as household/family.

Like OH though, he doesn't really seem to be interested in socialising (he actually actively avoids it), so I don't think he really understands why I miss it.

Plus the two of them used to have a group of friends round once a week, but it became difficult for me - they would be really loud and ds was sleeping badly at the time as it was, and they were just generally inconsiderate in other ways too.

Now they don't come round - and I know its my fault. Lodger and OH don't seem to care, but I feel bad about it .

I always try and remind myself when I look at other mums in the playground and they seem so content and cliquey, that they are all probably as insecure and worried as I am.
For all the mums on this thread who think of themselves as unique in their friendlessness, you will probably be suprised to find that the other mums that you know think that YOU are sorted and happy! The grass is always greener!!

Absolutely! I confided in a friend that IO had been feeling lonely and she was so shocked cos she thought I was always chatty and outgoing and having a ball.

Hi, I'm the same as all you guys, feel that friendships definately changed since I had my DD, I find it tough even at baby groups, you don't want to look desperate do you! So ignoring that, Ladyvanishes, I noticed you were here too, shall we have a meet up with our kids. I know it'll be scarey, I will be anyway but we might actually like each other and then we wouldn't be as lonely anymore.

Stick with the babygroups though. It does take time but you will meet people and you may even like some of them.

It's like a new job - it takes you a while to sort out which colleagues you want to go to the pub with at lunchtime!

Wow - I cannot tell you the comfort that I am getting from this thread - as was said earlier - if only WE could all get together and realise that normal, lovely people are lonely too - still I guess as pointed out clumsymum - we are all here - and yes thank goodness for Mumsnet!! Rainbowbear - you have so very much explained how I feel - so many superficial 'friends' and that frustration at everyone else's contentment.
Not entirely sure how to move on - but what a huge weight this has lifted from my shoulders!! Anyone on here based in W London??

I keep finding myself back at this thread as it's so lovely to read what everyone has to say.

It actually makes me feel a whole lot better about myself to realise that there are so many mums in the same position as myself.

When i take the children back to school in a couple of weeks, i'll be asking myself how many of the mums really are as happy and confident as they seem.

And any mums who look as miserable as i somrtimes feel, i'm going to try to make more of an effort to speak to them.

Well done to *gorgeousgirl for starting this thread.

Wonder how long it'll keep going for??????

Yes and a real struggle making new ones too. My antenatal class was crap and everyone moved at about 38 weeks preg. My dc spent a long time in hospital so didn't get to go to any new Mum things until everyone had allready established friendships (wasn't going ot go without a child now was I?) I have a pretty close age gap between first and second so then became difficult to go to things with a bouncy toddler at new baby things and at the toddler things eveyone had cliqued up allready. To cap it all we live in really grotty flat so can't really have people around and both work very long hours. Feel better having said it all.

I'm with you fussymum. I'm going to make more of an effort at school and playschool.
Weel done gorgeousgirl. It was quite a brave thread to start.

Just wanted to say to daysoftheweek not to worry too much about the grotty flat thing. I always used to worry about the house being a state etc and people coming round and then my mil said to me "they have come to see YOU not your house" and I think thats true, when I go to see my friends I really don't care if the house is a mess so why should they? As long as the home is as safe as possible and clean-ish, don't worry about it, be brave, invite them round and if they are really that judgemental about where you live they are not worth having as a friend anyway so stuff 'em!

Thanks everyone (especially gorgeousgirl) i feel a bit less lonely now, especially now i know that probably everyone at mother baby group feels a bit like me

Hello again.

I came back to this thread after a day (or so) and was stunned at all the posts! It really is reassuring isn't it.
Thanks gorgeousgirl (I'm in w london too!)

I will be looking at people in a different light I think since reading these posts, and I've made more of an effort to contact people too. Watch this space

What I crave is the company of good, old, familiar, comfortable friends, who know everything about you, where you can skip the small talk and the mundane-day-to-day-chat and just have a good laugh together.

But none of those live in the same part of the country to me. And since I've had children and none of those friends have, our several times per year meet-ups have fizzled out.

And now I find myself living somewhere new yet again, starting over, trying to break into already formed friendship groups with a 3 year old and a baby. I've met a mixture of acquaintances. Some people who have just a baby, some people who have a 3 year old plus older children, some people who have both but are so screamingly different to me that I'd never see them without children present or introduce my DH to their DH.

And of the odd one or two that I might have been good friends with if I worked with them, we don't see each other frequently enough or in the right social settings to lose our inhibitions enough to develop a deeper, meaningful friendship.

Also, once you get into your 30s you have more definite ways and likes and dislikes. You're not so changeable. Your differences are more obvious and your ability and/or desire to compromise and adapt muuch less so.

I'm happy enough with the way my week pans out. I'm not house-bound, I see people, chat to people and socialise with my husband and family members and some more local friends of his. I'm self-motivated enough to keep myself busy.

But, then my brother and SIL will make me feel inadequate because they have one of those 'Friends' type set-ups where they have never moved away from the area they grew up in, they're still good friends with the people they knew when they were 16, they all moved to the same suburban area and had children at the same time, they're always out celebrating each others birthdays or out as a group with the children.

It's not that I'd want that life myself. I could never have stayed in one place all my life plus I wanted the space to be able to change from the person that I was at 16.

So, for me, half of it is the perecption I have of how other people see me and my life.

I would think that age gap is going to become more common as people wait for first to go to school before having another - having 2 in nursery at the same time can be so expensive!

I've just got one DD who is 14months. I do find it harder to meet up with friends although to be honest this was starting to happen before baby as lots of friends getting married and moving houses. I find pub lunch on Sunday is best option for catching up.

Made some new friends through NCT and reaquainted myself with old friends who are now in same situation as me.

some shared history is definitely useful to make a good friendship.

thanks for starting this thread gorgeous girl!

lots and lots of reassuring posts.

Hello all

I, like everyone it seems, am so pleased that this thread exists! I'm already feeling better now we've shared this problem!

As part of my decision to make/reform friendships, I got chatting to another mum I know in the park yesterday and, feeling confident, explained that I was feeling lonely etc.

She was really sorry and said that after I had dd#2, she and the other school-run mums she chats to stayed away as I seemed so busy and in control they didn't think I would want them to "get in the way" as she put it.

I never thought I came across as "in control"

So, as Kittywits hinted, all those 'self-assured' mums we see are possibly people like me, actualy feeling awfully lost and lonely and in need of a good friend like when we were younger!