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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am getting really angry with my husband and I know it's not right.

89 replies

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 13:39

I'm finding this really hard to post .
Met dh many years ago at uni now in 50 s
He is very kind , solid , dependable. When I first met him I needed that as a priority and it was attractive. I had a great deal of childhood trauma .i knew that he was a quiet person and even then I struggled with it as he would ask about me but not tell much about himself . He can go miles in a car or be with you and say not a word.
I find it hard to admit but I guess this quietness in part suited me as I had a lot of talking about stuff and sorting my head out due to my past. We used to travel a lot and that was a common goal intrest but after dc we couldn't.
I now really struggle with his introversion. He is a manager at work and talks there and I feel I just get the version of him that to him is peaceful but to me isolating. For eg when we are eating our family meal if I don't start and maintain a conversation the table can be silent. Both dc especially dd have said why doesn't dad talk , and dd has said he doesn't feel like a dad to her as she interpret the silence or minimal talking as a lack of intrest in her.
We have been to councelling as this was having impact on our relationship. We looked at ways he could make an effort and ways of me understanding.
The problem is he does make an effort and whilst that's good he naturally reverts back so I don't feel that relaxed when he does try as I anticipate it will be short lived. I think he also feels under pressure.
I feel very sorry about what seems a mismatch. He is kind , gentle, will do things to please me. The problem is I seem to be getting angry a lot . He is so so acomadating and also doesn't say what he wants . He puts me first and his lack of oomph is affecting my respect for him .he seems to put others first due to lack of communication about who he is and what he wants and I can't do it for him : have tried to talk many times but now a sadly feel I'm losing respect for him.im afarid I told him to grow some balls earlier and he just started shouting and went out. I did it to push him as I didn't know what else to do as I feel that I tell him to jump and its how high ? Etc. I don't want to be horrible but I feel sort of too in charge .

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 06/04/2014 15:26

You want him to stand up for himself...

"I told him to grow some balls earlier and he just started shouting and went out."

Got what you wanted then.
As you say "When I first met him I needed that as a priority". You've got what you wanted and now you want to move on.

Poor sod. I feel sorry for him!

WhoNickedMyName · 06/04/2014 15:30

You're both in your 50's? Well he ain't likely to change now.

I feel sorry for him too. You've said yourself he's kind, gentle, accommodating and puts you first. If you can't put up with that any longer, then let him go and find someone who appreciates him.

And be careful what you wish for.

Missesbumble · 06/04/2014 15:40

You can't change him OP, he's obviously been this way all his life. I don't have any solutions but what I will say is I wish I had a partner that was kind, gentle and accommodating. My h only knows how to put himself 1st, he wasn't always this way, he changed because I didn't hang off his every word and constantly put him 1st while raising our DC's and running a business single handedly.

winkywinkola · 06/04/2014 16:04

He sounds like a genuinely good person.

You sound a wee bit fishwifey. Sorry but you do. And you've been talking about yourself to him for years. Have you actively asked him about his life before you?

So when you strike up conversation say at the dinner table, do you ask questions that require more than one word answers? Do your dcs pipe up and talk about their day? Do you encourage that?

Can you and dh go out together more and find another common interest other than travel?

Or you could sit down together and plan a big trip once the dcs are older/left home.

winkywinkola · 06/04/2014 16:06

And because he's so kind and accommodating, I don't really see why you can't just respect that and not tell him "how high" to jump.

The number of people with utterly self centred partners on MN is quite high.

cafesociety · 06/04/2014 16:16

I would also say I wish I had such a considerate partner. I have no one at all here. It sounds like he has made you his priority in life and wants a quiet family life at home. How fortunate are you?
Why is it all about him making the effort, could you do both do something which he would like to do and would therefore be enthusiastic about and inclined to talk about? Listen to him and his needs and interests.
You certainly do sound 'too in charge' and maybe it's time to adjust your own personality.

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 17:08

Yes I agree I need to adjust .

OP posts:

oldgrandmama · 06/04/2014 18:54

Jesus wept, OP, your DH sounds a prince among men. As opposed to an utter prick. For f*'s sake, appreciate him!

Itsfab · 06/04/2014 18:57

What is the bloke like who you are lusting after?

LineRunner · 06/04/2014 19:00

I noted what you said about your daughter's comments. Does she find her dad too quiet?

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:06

Line - she freq says he is .she feels that he isn't intrested in her. Doesn't take the trouble to talk to her. She feels sad and has told him. he tries to be more talkative with her but as its trying not natural it soon stops.Friends have described him as arrogant - I don't think he is - I think they feel he is aloof. I remember he asked a friend of mine to go home when her husband was away as he knew I was tired but she ended up in tears as she felt unwelcome. He is not arrogant but can come across as disinterested - he is very self contained.

OP posts:

tobybox · 06/04/2014 19:06

OP I can sympathise. My DP sounds exactly like this. He is a jewel, all my friends and family understand and praise the fact he is so lovely, but he will never be the life and soul of the party and he would be the first to admit as much.

I have struggled with this at times as I'm quite outgoing, as I imagine you are too OP, and enjoy sparking off other people and getting quite giddy, which is hard to do with DP all the time, and he certainly rarely initiates conversations.

Then I realised why am I seeking all my mental stimulation from DP? OP, you need a life outside your immediate family circle and you can't rely on DP to provide all your entertainment. That's where friends come in :) and at the end of the day, DP will be there to make you a cup of tea. It can be lovely if you allow it to be.

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/04/2014 19:13

Some people don't like small talk and don't talk unless there's something they genuinely want to discuss . Does he read a lot ? Can you get him to talk about his interest at all ?

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:16

Toby box- thanks. Yes I am sociable and I don't rely on him for stimulation as it would not work. One of the reasons he likes my disposition is that I am intrested in little things , easily exited at the mundane etc and I bring a spark. I find it difficult that seeing as he appriciated that it wd be really nice to have that myself just sometimes. He is lovely but really brings nothing intresting to discuss etc its as if he relies on me and sometimes I feel it's hard work if you see what I mean. He does not need people. It was his birthday a few days ago and he got card from me , my family, our dc, neighbour and non from his family or his one friend . Maybe it's me but I thought that no one was bothered and maybe that isn't important to him at all but I thought it reflected that he doesn't really connect with others and maybe it's not just me that feels he is sort of disconnected?

OP posts:

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:18

Bad -that's the thing I don't want to do just small talk - I want to connect ..

OP posts:

QuiteSo · 06/04/2014 19:19

My estranged husband used to pick on me all the time for being too quiet. I've always been an introvert and I have a lot of good qualities. Sounds like your husband does too.
Count your blessings and don't rely on your DH to fulfil your every need! Chat on the phone to friends or relatives or your kids instead.

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:19

Toby - oops yes we sound similar- I like to spark with people, banter,argue for fun, use wit etc etc and in a silent house it doesn't happen . .

OP posts:

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 06/04/2014 19:20

To me it sounds like you are punishing him. For your past? For loving you? Coz he's not someone else...?

Agree find yourself stimulation mentally outside and come home for comfort. If you rely on him for all he will only disappoint.

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/04/2014 19:21

Have you read love languages ? It's a good book and discusses how the need for conversation , and other things , is very important and tells your partner how to meet that need.

Does he have any particular interests ?

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/04/2014 19:23

It sounds like the way he connects and shows love is through acts of service , doing things for you.

tobybox · 06/04/2014 19:24

I try and concentrate on what I love about DP's personality when his reticence gets me down. I love that he can calm me down better than anyone when I'm stressed or upset, that he's so rational and plain-talking and a peacemaker. He is also extremely intellectual and that is a major long-term attraction - it makes for good debates when he's in the mood to talk about something he's interested in too.

It really is a case of opposites attracting and OP, I think deep down your core values and personalities really match each other. It's maybe just now that you're more settled in life you're looking for a bit more excitement - am I right? :) you can get that from your own interests, hobbies, social circle etc. but he will be the steady constant which is an extremely valuable thing to have.

Does your DH get more lively when he's involved in his favourite hobbies? Maybe you could try finding a joint one...

badbaldingballerina123 · 06/04/2014 19:25

Do you think he feels listened to when he does talk ? Did his parents listen to him ?

No more mr nice guy might be a good read for both of you , you can read it online.

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:25

Quite so - yes I'm sure he has lovely qualities in fact I know so- I can talk to pals lots but I so wish to share and reciprocate things with him too and connect with him . I may need to understand introversion more? Maybe I could do that. If I understood more maybe that wd help . At the mo it feels lonely as I can talk to others but want to share mutual stuff with him! It feels like I have to drag conversation out of him - doesn't seem fair to him but also frustrating for me. Whilst its good to talk with pals I think it's important to have husband and wife knowing each other rather than only my friends knowing important stuff.

OP posts:

Original poster

ginorwine · 06/04/2014 19:29

Thanks bad will look it up. No I don't think he thinks I listen to him. He takes a long time to say stuff and processes things slowly . I think and talk fast . He likes no interruption when he talks whereas as my mind works v fast I do interject -interrupt and I should not get so excitable! His parents did not listen .his father was really bad and was an addict and his mother had a ongoing mental illness.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 06/04/2014 19:30

It sounds like you've used him and now you're done you don't need him anymore. Your daughter has probably listened closely to you which is why she came out with what she said.

I did think there was somebody who had caught your eye and you're comparing them.

Just what I gleaned from what you posted though, it may not be right.

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