I am getting really angry with my husband and I know it's not right.

[ginorwine]

I'm finding this really hard to post .
Met dh many years ago at uni now in 50 s
He is very kind , solid , dependable. When I first met him I needed that as a priority and it was attractive. I had a great deal of childhood trauma .i knew that he was a quiet person and even then I struggled with it as he would ask about me but not tell much about himself . He can go miles in a car or be with you and say not a word.
I find it hard to admit but I guess this quietness in part suited me as I had a lot of talking about stuff and sorting my head out due to my past. We used to travel a lot and that was a common goal intrest but after dc we couldn't.
I now really struggle with his introversion. He is a manager at work and talks there and I feel I just get the version of him that to him is peaceful but to me isolating. For eg when we are eating our family meal if I don't start and maintain a conversation the table can be silent. Both dc especially dd have said why doesn't dad talk , and dd has said he doesn't feel like a dad to her as she interpret the silence or minimal talking as a lack of intrest in her.
We have been to councelling as this was having impact on our relationship. We looked at ways he could make an effort and ways of me understanding.
The problem is he does make an effort and whilst that's good he naturally reverts back so I don't feel that relaxed when he does try as I anticipate it will be short lived. I think he also feels under pressure.
I feel very sorry about what seems a mismatch. He is kind , gentle, will do things to please me. The problem is I seem to be getting angry a lot . He is so so acomadating and also doesn't say what he wants . He puts me first and his lack of oomph is affecting my respect for him .he seems to put others first due to lack of communication about who he is and what he wants and I can't do it for him : have tried to talk many times but now a sadly feel I'm losing respect for him.im afarid I told him to grow some balls earlier and he just started shouting and went out. I did it to push him as I didn't know what else to do as I feel that I tell him to jump and its how high ? Etc. I don't want to be horrible but I feel sort of too in charge .

Sorry to go against the grain, but I think this has very little to do with your personality types. Maybe it's the anger and restlessness associated with the menopause ?

Tawdry the passitivit y brings out the worst I me I'm afraid as I'm trying to get some form of emotion and when I do he can explode. I find it really really hard work .

One more of course I wd be fair. You say he's a poor bastard - I expected this response in a way and I know others will think it. However years of what can feel like emotional isolation has not made it easy . Can u imagine how that feels yet he is the poor b. yes he has made the effort but in ways that is comfy for him . I have felt lonley for years and I feel it is maybe a mismatch? Why wd feeling lo Ely for years not count , be reason to stay, and make me the bad guy? And I do feel like the bad guy as I'm the one who puts my neck our and tries to sort things rather than avoidance.

OP, I can understand you feel frustrated by your husbands passivity.

Has it occurred to you to consider why he is so passive and introspective? He had an addict father, a mother with mental illness, he probably grew up in a house with constant shouting, dramas and emotional turmoil. His way to cope, his learnt behaviour, was to be self sufficient and introspective. For him letting go of that would be difficult and traumatic.

Your description of yourself is quite illuminating, forgive the pun, as you state you are the one that has the sparkle, likes witty banter and wants to engage in arguments for fun. To your DH arguments are not for fun.

Perhaps consider not only your good qualities and appreciate more of his. You may want to manage your expectations. He hasn't changed over night, he was always like this.

Look back to the past for things you like to do together. You say previously you liked to travel, you can again now the kids are older. You could look to plan future things together to enjoy things together, so your travel planning is a joint venture with a common goal.

And please, do try to avoid shouting I know it's not easy, and goading "grow some balls" type comments, he's probably heard it all before from his parents. It's not good for DH and doesn't make anything better.

Good luck, hope it works out.

Great advice from ResponsibleAdult.

OP, I know you've been to counselling together - but has he had any sessions separately? Sometimes people shut themselves off as a coping mechanism in situations where a parent is a bit overbearing, and it can be important to talk about that.

You've said that you are not lusting after anyone else, ginorwine - but I think you are actually lusting after an imaginary fantasy man.

The reality is that, once your children have flown the nest, you may end up living alone in a silent house. What would you do then, to improve your life? Could you not do those things right now?

I didn't think you were "looking" for someone else. I suspect you have already had your head turned by another man or have met someone you would like to do things with.

Are your "interjections" frequent when dp talks? I have several colleagues who do this. I'm afraid I don't speak to them. Once they interior I stop. When they finish and go back to "sorry what were you saying?" I tell them I can't remember and walk off. For people who find talking tiring it can be a big deal.
Obviously people interior from time to time, but if it's frequent that may exacerbate the issue. Do you think you are a good listener?

Dirty no I'm not at times :(

Sorry OP but you sound like you are bullying him. You feel more powerful than him at the moment but the whole thing sounds like it could be a power struggle.

Both of you seem to have issues from the past and you're taking them out on each other.

The more you pressure him, the further he will retreat. It's a Stalemate. You both need therapy.

Flying , I get what you say about my past. I don't get what you mean about him taking his past out on me tho what do you mean?

OP, from reading this thread it seems that your relationship is very one sided. Yes, he is passive, but he has been there for you and helped you to "heal", I expect over a long period of time. Now that you are healed, you want him to change. What I don't hear is that now, perhaps, it's his turn to need healing.
As you've said his parents were an addict and mentally ill, but instead of you reaching out and trying to help him all you seem to be doing is shouting in frustration at his inability to change suddenly.

If I were him, I'd feel resentful that after all the years of helping you and being the best husband he could be for you he now gets abuse or the anger from you that must repeat what he felt growing up.

If you want him to change, you'll have to help him by helping him to heal. Instead of helping him, you're making him feel like he's not what you want. And not what your kids want. You should be explaining to them what he's like, how he is and that he's exactly the kind of parent they can love and cherish.

If you do split I think you'll could break him completely. He's devoted his life to you and your family, but gets chucked out with the trash when you're bored with the way you wanted him to be when you needed him.

It's very sad, all round.

Flying I'm aware that I might be bullying that's why I put in my post I know it's not right as I really know that . I feel that I've tried everything including councelling and his passivity continues to cause problems. I fully know that I have my own issues and I work on them on ongoing basis. I feel that I have to do a great deal of the emotional work and I've hit a brick wall. A simple eg is we agree that we both want to an things . He agrees to talk about plans , put it in his diary to sit down and book stuff. I try not to micro manage. So I wait . Nothing happens. If I leave it we don't do anything if I plan / remind him he leaves it to me as he has learnt I will step in. Years of this passive behaviour has resulted in frustration . I believe he will do what he says but then it just does not transpire. I wd rather he say I don't want to do things - I wd get that. But why say you will and then not do it .he is a grown up and I wd hope that he wd just tell me . I know I'm comming across as harsh but there are years of what I feel are false promises when all I wAnt is clarity. He is assertive at work and I wd respect his views . I guess there are reasons for this in that he has colluded with me and himself about things but it really is time to be honest and of course I strongly feel that applies to me and certainly not just to him. I agree I am being dominant and am mortified that we have got into this pattern and I strongly believe this and hold my hands up . I just don't know what to do. Think both of us have created this not just me. ?

He is not passive. The withdrawal is a defense mechanism. He learned to cope with his chaotic background by this method. Think about how animals behave when under attack. Stay still, curl up, be very very quiet.

However, when you pressure him he will realise that withdrawal hurts you too. That's what I meant it can be used to punish.

Thing is if he opens up to you he becomes more vulnerable. Your constant attacks on him make this unlikely to happen. You are both stuck in destructive patterns of behaviour. This is why you both need help separately.

Mannish I said that I was aware that there was a difficulty earlier on and that we were matched as he was kind and I was what he wanted.to be honest we all trade off in relationships and get stuff out of them it's the human condition for eg yr friends are yr pals cos you get stuff out of it it's reciprocal. I think he was also comfy in a rescuer role. Now he doesn't have that role things have changed for him too. It's a question if we can change and grow together ? I truly accept my faults. And I kno I'm doing rubbish at mo.

Btw. Its a mistake to think you would be happier with a different partner. You would project your insecurities onto the new person, you would find a flaw and the cycle would start again. Deal with your issues as a priority.

Flying it makes sense what you say. Our dd was born v soon after ds . He did not want a second child . Conceived when I was breast feeding . He was v cross felt out of control, he felt overwhelmed. He withdrew through tout the pregnancy and the first 6 months or so. Only after asking and supporting him he told me this . Before that he did not talk and acted like I was a lodger. This was v difficult. He said he did not want to tell me as he did not want to upset a pregnant woman . His withdrawal was to me very isolating. Since y day when we had a row he has gone into another room he has not spoken at all and I have not seen him since 11 am y day. Maybe I have confused withdra l and passivity. I am a person who talks and I feel confused when people don't .

ginorwine, you say you accept your faults, you're not doing well, etc, but you aren't saying that YOU are trying to help HIM.

Even though you admit your faults, that doesn't help him, it just excuses you for feeling like you want to leave.

Sorry, kids. I met him at 19. He was 30. We just clicked. Naturally that met derision by others. We fought through. I went to uni. He was supportive. I graduated. I started work. We dated very seriously . Planned life. Continual worry from both families. Got through two close suicides. Clung together.

Then one day I noticed he verbally patted me on the head. He had done x before. Knew best. It riled me. Then I didn't stop noticing things. So small I'm not sure he knew he did them! I realised I wanted his opinion less not more. I trusted myself more. It got harder to fake. I got ratty. I'd sulk. I demanded attention but it wasn't good enough. I snipped sniped and flounced. We split when I was 26. I was just washing my hands. I just realised I couldn't bare to wash my hands in his sink again. That I might disintegrate into ash and blow away if I did this any longer.

I didn't have kids. But I did know it really was over. And that it was because I had changed. I'd grown up and what I needed now was different. Like a right of passage ...?

I felt peace though once I went. First time in ages. It was wonderful. 2 kids now, and married. It was the little things that I just couldn't face any more.

My friend was married 20yrs to hers. He refused to allow her to salsa. Ridiculous really. She said she hadn't noticed he got so narrow minded. She was 40 when she left. She's now salsa'd all over the world and just come back from Rio. Her kids coped better than she expected. I don't think they were shocked tbh...

I think you are painting a positive image of him which is why people are negative but suspect from your last post he has passive aggressive behaviour.This is often called 'crazy making' behaviour as its designed to cause the spouse to release the anger that the PA person won't show.

So a number of things here, he may be an introvert and you're extroverted.He may resist you in PA ways.It might be worth analysing your behaviours - rather than reacting, start a journal and reflect on your conversations.A pattern might emerge.It is however vital that you don't get angry as that just gives him the way out to end the conversation.I would also recommend you download the 'Nice Guy no more' as it highlights how seemingly nice guys get their needs met.Often its covert and leads to their partners frustration as you know you are being resisted but its not open.

I believe that you are seeking a connection but if its PA behaviour its almost impossible to get that connection as the behaviour is designed to limit intimacy.

Mannish that's part of why am on here to try face my faults and get perspective and try to help us both

Cross posts, I think he's not the very nice man that you initially think he is!

I do sympathise OP. It must be very frustrating for you, especially as you are a talker. It is impossible to communicate with a stonewaller. You need to understand his reasons for using this strategy though.

You say you are worried you are bullying him. So I think this has to stop don't you?

If I were you I would find a therapist and examine my own issues because he will stay withdrawn until he trusts you. It sounds like he has supported you in the past. Could you now do the same for him? It could take time. Tell him you will stop attacking him. That you are going to turn your attention to sorting yourself out.

This takes the pressure off him and this will help you both.

As an introvert I do appreciate how frustrating it can be. My DW used to follow me round the house if she wanted to talk, or if I was avoiding a discussion or argument. It worked in that I'd have to open up, but my natural inclination is to enjoy my own quiet. I do love that my wife and her family are loud, tactile and talk constantly, it's just not for me. I'm a much better listener than I am a talker.
Though DW would follow me about, it wasn't in a nasty way it was because we needed to get something out in the open and I was avoiding it. I hate arguing and have seen how it affects the whole atmosphere of a marriage, especially with kids.

But, DW doesn't think I'm boring quite the opposite. We compliment each other and bring out the best in each other.

Ginorwine, sorry to keep repeating but it's not about facing your faults. I don't think it's even about you at all. You don't seem to want to help him, you just want him to change. Think about what he did for you, how you appreciated that, and think how you can help him in return.

What you don't want is to push him so hard he explodes and you end up in an argument that you can't come back from.

Only going on what you've said OP, which why I also disagree with him passive agressive.

I don't think he is passive aggressive but I do think that he can be controlling instead of say wot wants eg when we were buy a house h e said yes we can buy it but th e deal was regar sex!