I am getting really angry with my husband and I know it's not right.

[ginorwine]

I'm finding this really hard to post .
Met dh many years ago at uni now in 50 s
He is very kind , solid , dependable. When I first met him I needed that as a priority and it was attractive. I had a great deal of childhood trauma .i knew that he was a quiet person and even then I struggled with it as he would ask about me but not tell much about himself . He can go miles in a car or be with you and say not a word.
I find it hard to admit but I guess this quietness in part suited me as I had a lot of talking about stuff and sorting my head out due to my past. We used to travel a lot and that was a common goal intrest but after dc we couldn't.
I now really struggle with his introversion. He is a manager at work and talks there and I feel I just get the version of him that to him is peaceful but to me isolating. For eg when we are eating our family meal if I don't start and maintain a conversation the table can be silent. Both dc especially dd have said why doesn't dad talk , and dd has said he doesn't feel like a dad to her as she interpret the silence or minimal talking as a lack of intrest in her.
We have been to councelling as this was having impact on our relationship. We looked at ways he could make an effort and ways of me understanding.
The problem is he does make an effort and whilst that's good he naturally reverts back so I don't feel that relaxed when he does try as I anticipate it will be short lived. I think he also feels under pressure.
I feel very sorry about what seems a mismatch. He is kind , gentle, will do things to please me. The problem is I seem to be getting angry a lot . He is so so acomadating and also doesn't say what he wants . He puts me first and his lack of oomph is affecting my respect for him .he seems to put others first due to lack of communication about who he is and what he wants and I can't do it for him : have tried to talk many times but now a sadly feel I'm losing respect for him.im afarid I told him to grow some balls earlier and he just started shouting and went out. I did it to push him as I didn't know what else to do as I feel that I tell him to jump and its how high ? Etc. I don't want to be horrible but I feel sort of too in charge .

OK, so it is his fault. Leave the bastard.

Gives up.

" don't think he is passive aggressive but I do think that he can be controlling instead of say wot wants eg when we were buy a house h e said yes we can buy it but th e deal was regar sex!"

That doesn't sound nice if I can guess what you meant.
He was trying to bargain a nice house for sex?

You definitely come across as a bully though. Lots of people withdraw if they are barked at all the time - or talked at all the time. particularly by someone who isn't a good listener.

I agree with mannishboy. LTB, as you're making both of your lives a misery.

It's very hurtful if someone makes it clear they don't want to talk to you, I find. It's a signal "you're not worth listening to or having a conversation with". I sympathise.

I'm 50 too, btw, am not exactly on scrap-heap yet.

motherinferior, you may have missed the bits where the OP said she is a bad listener, interrupts and shouts.

She sounds like the one not having the conversation.

And not listening to advice that contradicts her "I should leave" point of view.

So have you actually apologised yet, OP?
Or are you secretly hoping that your (D)H will " grow some balls " and decide to leave you?

I'm an introvert too. I'm the one who is silent for long periods in the car and goes quiet when something is wrong because I feel I want to sort it out myself get my head around the problem before I broadcast it to the world and become engulfed by the opinions of others. My other half is a chatterbox (he gets it from his mother) and sometimes I want him to shut up. I want him to stop the 'noise' and just be.

I don't know if your husband is the same but he could be feeling the above too. One thing which wouldn't work with me is to shout and demand action. I have a temper when pushed and feel very threatened when backed into a corner. Perhaps you need to back off and let him come to you. If he won't do it or can't then your alternatives are to accept this or end your marriage.

Provided he isn't abusive or passive aggressive, then you have to accept him as he is.

And by 'accept' I don't mean stay with him regardless but accept his personality and not try to change him.

In your OP, you mention lots of qualities he has that you appreciate, and also lots of qualities he has that you used to love and have now outgrown. Are you sure of that? if you met someone who constantly interrupted you and hounded you and belittled you when you felt a bit like retreating inside your shell, perhaps you'd hanker for the days of peace with him.

I'm not ignoring your problem. A silent DP can feel like being stonewalled. Lots of psychological tests show that being ignored is far worse for one's MH even than being attacked. and silence can feel like rejection to an extrovert.

You keep saying you want him to change and there's no one else. This suggests to me that you don't really want to leave him. You want to have a better life with him, not without him. Is this right?

if so, I think you need to try and broaden your range of ways you communicate. Definitely suggest going travelling again, with DC. There are lots of ways of communicating that aren't words. Sharing similar taste in music, comedy, even TV - these all help breed a feeling of being on the same wavelength as your partner.

One thing he needs to address, which is not your problem, is his daughter thinking he has no interest in her. He needs to make an effort, however forced, and stick to it until it becomes natural. And you could help by explaining to DD that there are other ways he shows his love or communicates with her - things he does for her or with her etc. Help her to appreciate him.

You could even try a cheesy old improve your relationship trick like complimenting him on stuff he does that you appreciate, as often as you can, and especially complimenting him on any lovely chats you have, however small. That might help develop a healthier communication between you than you barking and snarling at him. No one responds well to being bullied, and you're getting no joy from being his bully.

Maybe its the way you communicate with him that shuts him up and stops him talking. Telling him to grow some balls is just rude and insulting. Maybe he will do as you ask and find another woman who will love him just the way he is. Have you wondered if he is unhappy with you?

I acknoedge he is unhappy too. A m trying to face my faults so that I can try to deal with them. I think I have see. Quiet ess as a rejection. I need to respect his ways I guess in the first instance. I would aim for a better life for us both rather than apart. I am going to start by trying to tread in his shoes and think wot i t must be like for him. Am going to apologise and start from there.

Well done, ginorwine - that's a very brave post.
Good luck to both of you!

That does sound like a positive step OP.

Apology and empathy is a good place to start OP. Let us know how you get on.