I am getting really angry with my husband and I know it's not right.

[ginorwine]

I'm finding this really hard to post .
Met dh many years ago at uni now in 50 s
He is very kind , solid , dependable. When I first met him I needed that as a priority and it was attractive. I had a great deal of childhood trauma .i knew that he was a quiet person and even then I struggled with it as he would ask about me but not tell much about himself . He can go miles in a car or be with you and say not a word.
I find it hard to admit but I guess this quietness in part suited me as I had a lot of talking about stuff and sorting my head out due to my past. We used to travel a lot and that was a common goal intrest but after dc we couldn't.
I now really struggle with his introversion. He is a manager at work and talks there and I feel I just get the version of him that to him is peaceful but to me isolating. For eg when we are eating our family meal if I don't start and maintain a conversation the table can be silent. Both dc especially dd have said why doesn't dad talk , and dd has said he doesn't feel like a dad to her as she interpret the silence or minimal talking as a lack of intrest in her.
We have been to councelling as this was having impact on our relationship. We looked at ways he could make an effort and ways of me understanding.
The problem is he does make an effort and whilst that's good he naturally reverts back so I don't feel that relaxed when he does try as I anticipate it will be short lived. I think he also feels under pressure.
I feel very sorry about what seems a mismatch. He is kind , gentle, will do things to please me. The problem is I seem to be getting angry a lot . He is so so acomadating and also doesn't say what he wants . He puts me first and his lack of oomph is affecting my respect for him .he seems to put others first due to lack of communication about who he is and what he wants and I can't do it for him : have tried to talk many times but now a sadly feel I'm losing respect for him.im afarid I told him to grow some balls earlier and he just started shouting and went out. I did it to push him as I didn't know what else to do as I feel that I tell him to jump and its how high ? Etc. I don't want to be horrible but I feel sort of too in charge .

This sounds just like my DH, particularly the silence in the car. It can be a bit frustrating when a partner is very introverted and self-contained but when I read about some of the antics of selfish and arrogant DH's on here and what people have to put up with, it makes me appreciate him more. He doesn't make me roar with laughter like my ex DH but he is kind to me, the children and my friends and always puts me first. I think you need to be less harsh and try to value that lovely side to him.

Toby - you have really described the situation exactly!
Bad - have heard of the languages of love- yes he brings me cups of tea which is lovely - but he cannot connect verbally which wd be my choice and it makes me feel sad as I yearn for it. We have talked about how different people express love and how people like to recieve it- I've explained talking and visual little gifts or notes are my thing and he has explained that for him it s touch whilst we know there are differences in our styles and have talked about it it will not change his natural quietness and if I try to get him to change it really it won't work so I think the anger I feel is linked to identifying what would help but bring unable to change it to make us match more in that way
I do think he calms me and I provide the buzz side so I guess that bit is good!

ebookbrowsee.net/robert-glover-no-more-mr-nice-guy-pdf-d132403088

Minnie- terrible as it is I know I'm being harsh on him. I don't think I'm punishing him for living me as you say tho. ? What I'm feing is frustration and isolation .

Gamer - no I do not have my eye on another man ! Did I infer that? : )

Ok. You know. The other thing could it be you have outgrown him? Maybe you are healed or oh I don't know, maybe past what you originally needed...? Just guessing.

Minnie up post someone said that I may have used him and now disgarding.
I have struggled with the idea that the person I needed as a young woman may not be the person I need now.
And with him being so nice I feel
Like an utter shit if that is the case.
I was in my teens when I met him and am now 50 .

Gamerchick said it, OP, and she is an intuitive and frank poster.

But like she said also, she might not be right.

What's your gut feeling?

I thought it too, Gamer. I guess my post was missed as the OP didn't answer me.

And Itsfab said it ^

It's fab sorry I did miss your post ! No I'm not looking elsewhere at all .

My gut feeling?
It's that I would like to have a relationship with more connection.
I'm very sorry to admit that it suited me for him to be my listner
He has been the kindest person
I don't know what life would be like without him : know since a teen ! No ref point at all .

I didn't mean to use him in anyway . It's just sort of like I've healed . Am now looking at life from diff eyes . The guilt that I feel is pretty full on .

Unless your intention was to use him for you own gain , and then get rid of him I don't think you've used him. It used to work but your needs have changed over time and now it doesn't .the following may help you understand each other better.

www.keirsey.com/

personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html

Thanks bad ! Will look at the info !

I guess this could be a bigger question. What are your marriage views? Could you bare divorce? Forgive me, but fifty now is not fifty as it was. Fifty used to be nearly elderly but now? I'm unsure elderly begins til 70! Maybe later...? It's certainly vastly different to before. (I'm 37 if your curious. I see a massive difference in age from my childhood to now)

It sounds like he attempts to alter. Do you? Look I've been in a relationship like this and there's a point your soul whithers... I've seen a friend do similar. Both of us left and life is vastly different. I'm not sure you can be sad forever.

It's a long time left to look over the marmalade at each other is all....

Wishing you both well

Minnie thankyou for your insightfull post and for the good wishes.
When you said your soul withers that's how I feel .
I just feel terrible as he is a good person and our teens would hate me as they see the good guy that he is. A lot of women would be glad to have such a nice man. I know this. I'd be intrested to know how people know when the life has gone from relationship or wether it can be rescued. I can't remember being not with him but I don't fear it. Maybe I should raise these questions on another post.
Actually have just cried . The soul withering bit has hit hard. I wonder if I am angry as trying to make him react . Anyway thankyou for your inthat ive expression which has touched something and for your kindness .

Hi bad - I just did my profile on the personality test . Came up as idealist councellor. Can't ask dh he's gone away into Nother room and set up camp and not been near me since walked out this am e wot to text me to ask if I wanted food- had already eaten. I can't open the free profe but will try again Tom . Thanks again for info :)

Exept to text me i meant

Minnie if you can bear to could you tell me more about when the soul withered and how you made decisions and how you felt after etc. if I'm bei g too demanding or intrusive please ignore me - you have certainly been really really helpful already. :) I'm just wanting to know more but I may be pushing it to ask I kno !

OP, if you are planning to end the relationship, remember to be kind. If you are kind and fair, that will be good for your DCs to see.

Too often on MN we hear the really awful stories of departing partners turning into quite mean people, possibly out of guilt. Be kind.

Line - I would I really would

This is so sad. But sadly, this ends up being the stuff of life.

I think you should spend some time really thinking this through. In your head, what does your future look like with your husband, if you insist on changes (which you would have to do, clearly), and what does it look like without him?

Stbx was like this. It was the passivity that wore me down in the end. I'm afraid I could be quite horrid when the frustration got too much. I should have ended the marriage sooner that said, I tried but he wouldn't let me because he was a controlling fucker as well as dull

He won't change. If you're unhappy you are allowed to leave, you know.

So, you leaving or expecting him to leave.

Poor bastard. Losing his wife - at least be decent with the children.
Presumably you will split the kids time fairly - you are both working, of course?