The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Springing Into Spring Like Super Spingy Springs On A Springy Day!

[Mouseface]

Hello everyone, I'm Mouse :)

Welcome to the Bus, Gerald. Of course it's an imaginary Bus, and we're all aware of that, but we've been on this Bus for a bloomin' long time now so this place kinda feels like home.

See, the thing is, we're a mix of drinkers, non drinkers, total abstainers, and also posters that are or have been, somewhere in between, around the block and back again!

There are no hard and fast rules here, just No judging, No bitching about others and most certainly No expectations of YOURSELF.

No-one can say what will or will not happen whilst you're posting here. You just have to take the ride, One Day At A Time.

There are two sayings that we have painted down either side of the Bus :-

1. • The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement
2. • Alcohol Fosters Inertia

You've started to read this thread for a reason, and you'll either carry on and maybe Name Change (or not) and post, walk away, or realise that this is all about YOU, cry for a bit, and then come and take a seat :)

For those who would like a bit of our almost 4 year history, have a read of THIS TRULY INSPIRING THREAD

- AND THIS IS OUR PREVIOUS THREAD TO THIS ONE

We're not a quiche or a clicky group, four years is a long time and longer when you're pissed for some of it, so whilst the threads may look 'clicky', I can promise you, it's just that we all 'know' one another because we've been here for a bit but you'll soon get to know us all, who loves what (CHEEEEEEEESE), but we were all 'new posters' at one time, weren't we? :)

Fairenuff I hate myself, I finished the bottle. I don't feel better, I don't feel numb, I just ache with shame. It tasted foul and I still drank it.

I cuddled up in the dog's bed, cried into her fur and I fell asleep for a bit. I haven't had any more, I fought with myself not to nip down to Tesco. Thank you demented, guggenheim, Fairenuff Anne and babyjane for your kindness, I am at work again tomorrow, I am dreading going in, I think I show a calm exterior, but I feel like someone has pulled a thread and it's only a matter of time until they see me unravelling. Willing myself come straight home tomorrow, I have enough groceries in to hole myself up for the weekend.

Teeth cleaned and face wiped, (Might need a season ticket for the bus) x

wry hope your feeling a wee bit better today, we're here for you, be kind to yourself and keep posting PLEASE..... Xxx

Morning! boing!

baby I bought the B1 & I have felt calmer since taking them,although i realise that that is just a placebo effect since I haven't been taking them long enough to work. Still,I do feel calm. : )

wry just get through today.If you need to cry at work or shout then just go ahead and do it- doesn't hurt to let people know how you really feel.We used to give out tickets for the bus- I was given one. Anyway,think you've just singed up for this loony vehicles for the long term. Good luck today.

Good morning babyjane, I'm on my way in to work, against every instinct screaming at me not to. I feel like everything's bubbling up in my throat, like something/someone's struggling to escape, probably my suppressed scream from yesterday, eh?

Thank you for your message this morning, it feels like a hand hold, a little bit of c'mon wry you can do it. I will check in later, I promise. Everyone was so lovely last night, thank you again, hope I can do you all proud, at least get through the working part of my day without the tears. Have a good day, x

Morning guggenheim, how are you? Sadly my boss sees displays of emotion as a sign of being unable to cope , "winners" don't do that apparently. I couldn't cope with being called a loser today. He's very keen on his amateur psychology, which normally amuses me.

Oh fuck fuck fuck he's ringing me, got to go

We are having a meeting at end of shift. Bravefacebravefacebraveface. 8 hours that's all today, short shift. I can do it. X

wry you can do it, I'm right beside you holding your hand and anytime you feel intimidated just imagine the other person/people naked or sitting on the toilet doing a big fart, it takes away their power, sounds silly but it works. From your post last night you mentioned you were previously a very heavy drinker and you obviously managed to turn that around, this tells me your stronger than you think and there's a plucky, courageous lady in there somewhere, just one day babe, just one day xxxx

Evening babes, day 20 tomorrow, first time in twenties and I feel a little proud. I have a long way to go but with each passing day I feel a little more distance from the "habit" of drinking, even life is a little dull, the constant will I won't I conflict has removed much of the congestion in my head. I have discovered another new supplement called chlorella which claims to fight depression, promote well being, aid digestion and is as good for your skin as creme de la mere and boost energy levels significantly..Again I have researched these claims and the reviews seem to back this up, I'm going to give it a try but as any good friend should I wanted to share it with my virtual buddies, watch this space...

wry been thinking of you all day and willing you on. Your post was very close to my heart because a month ago I was in a dreadful state, drinking straight vodka seeking only oblivion and hurting everyone who loved me because I didn't love myself. Thanks to the infinite kindness given to me on this wonderf thread and a terrible dose of alcohol poisoning, I hit my rock bottom and now only 3 weeks later I have a rough draft of my life back so I guess id like to pay it forward in some way.

Anyway I luffs you all and I'm grateful as always to be on here and sober xxx

How did you get on today wry
Ds school refusing again, didn't go in Monday,Tuesday or Wednesday. Got him in on Thursday and today but today his two somewhat tenuous " friends" has teamed up with another kid in his absence and don't want him in their group anymore. I can't blame them. His attendance is so erratic the other kids lose patience and move on. Ds has struggled so hard to make these friends and now his fragile confidence is completely shattered. He is sobbing that he's doesn't have any friends and no way he is going back to school on Monday. Am working with the guidance team but if he refuses to go, I can hardly drag him there!
At my wits end. Have just managed to coax him in from the garden where he has been sitting crying.

Oh ma what a dilemma for you. It's heartbreaking to watch your child in pain, mentally or physically, what age is ds? Has he always had confidence issues? Could he join
a local club, athletics, tai Kwan do, footy??? don't have any experience of boys but your a fantastic mum and I hope the school give you some support to get him through this. I might be 43 and ageing every second but I would not go back to those difficult years for all the tea in china, being a sensitive preteen/teen makes the world a pretty unfair place, I'm thinking of you both xxx

He is 12 and just completed first year in secondary. He won't go to any clubs and activities outside school. We had a really good talk with him on Wednesday night and drrew up a coping strategy plan, but the falling out with friends today has finished him. He says he spent break and lunchtime on his own, that he has no friends and that he's not going back. His primary school friends went to a different high school don't know whether to move him there, but they will have made new friends by now and he will be the new kid all over again.
I hate to see him feeling lonely and so very unhappy. Don't have the contact details for these new high school " friends" as he won't ask them round and they have never asked him round. Is he destined to be a loner and misfit all of his days?

No he w

ma I thought that about my dd, who was a loner, a bit awkward, certainly not one of the 'in-crowd'. She was bullied, but horrified at the thought that I would do anything about it - because it would only draw more attention to her. Being age 14/15 was a horrific time for her, and very dark.

It was tough to get through but suddenly in 5th and 6th year, the sun came out in her life - a slightly different peer group, more inner resources, a definite character. And now she is a fabulous daughter, a wonderful mother, impressively empathetic (probably because of the tough times she went through) and with a steely determination to get out and find her place amongst new friends. I am so, so proud of her.

But looking back, I still feel that I was a bit powerless for those years in early secondary, and if I could have found her somewhere 'safe' to go, I would have done it.

fwiw, it is good that ds is able to show his hurt to you, that at least gives you a starting place for understanding and for working with him.

Good Evening, tis, me, Mouse

Well, I'm finally home for those of you who didn't know and I wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you for the lovely card. You guys are the only people who sent a get well card. I feel very sad about that, really, I do. My hormones and grief are lots of other things like loosing my Goddaughter and Mum really hit you when you're il don't they, huh?

Life just blurs into one huge long cycle of breakfast at 6am, lunch at 12pm and dinner anywhere between 5.30 & 6.30pm. It would drive me mad at night because we'd be the last one there and at times it was like a scene from Cocoon. All they some of the patients just breathe in and out all day long, and that is completely saddening.

Everyone one in the room had visitors, daughters, sons, grandchildren etc....

It was the hardest thing one of all, to be so young and only have the same visitors, where everyone else were seeing relatives from so long ago......

I went in with crippling upper stomach pains so the first stop was x-ray. The next stop was an ultrasound. The next was am MRCP. Then we go to a CT Scan all of which were painful because my upper stomach hurt so very much. I had to bend over and twist to move up the bed etc....

Anyway, I'm here and I have missed you all so very much :) I've been in bed until 6.30 tonight and then I got up for my meds and food and treated myself to a foam bath!! Hooray, but bloody hell it hurt to get in and out

So, hello to all you lovely new Brave Babes, it's lovely to meet everyone. As of on Monday (16th of June) I'll be on a three week residential Chronic Pain Management in three weeks and learn how to cope with my pain, breathing techniques, how I sleep and then how I feel the morning after, I can't stay all day thought as I need to look after Nemo.

I will be there Mon - Fri 9 to 5 but on Weds I'd be sleeping over so that we can see how I am in the mornings after a rough night.

I hope you're all okay, I'll keep you updated - I'm still not drinking like I was, once a upon a time ago.

I'll keep posting as and when I can to let you know how much I've been broken, just that little bit more

Talk to you soon you lovely bravely brave people, I'm sorry I didn't catch up.

Night Babes xxx

Lovely to hear from you mouse take it easy now you're home

Oh ma, no, he won't be. Knowing that you've got his back will help him immensely. Friendships change so much at that age, alliances form and dissolve at the speed of light. Until you find your feet and know who you are everything seems amplified somehow. He can confide in you, which is lovely, between you and the guidance team you will get him through this.

I agree with baby those years are the hardest, there can be nothing worse than watching your child in pain, hopefully things will change next term. First year everyone tries to be the best, the coolest etc as they adjust to being a small fish in a huge pond. Things settle, but for now it must be so hard for him to rationalise everything, and heart achingly saddening to feel so on the edge of things.

baby Congratulations on day 20! Your post inspired me, knowing that life returns to how it should be. I get that, the lashing out at the nearest and dearest . You put it so well, it is a congestion, like all your rational thoughts are encased in cocoons or something, waiting to poke a wing out. Will definitely look into the chlorella, I got some B vits today, just in case.

Work was hard, we are very short staffed at the moment, so I ploughed through best I could. I cried twice, but both times in the privacy of the loo. Other than that, I held it together, knowing I had a hand hold helped, thank you. A procedure had been re-scheduled, he called me through for a meeting to ask why I'd done so (I hadn't) but again if you deny something that is a loser's attitude. I refuse to take blame for something that isn't my fault, as he knows full well I step up immediately if something is.

I held my own, very calmly and quietly which was hard as the change had been listed under my login. Thankfully it also has a time log which proved it couldn't have been me. I held my ground, knowing other staff were listening. When I pointed out the time log someone finally came forward and said "Oh that was me...". But no apology. I'm still a loser. Really? Tell me something I don't know. I hope I came across as calm and collected, that's what I was trying to be but my perception of myself seems so skewed. (Must remember to log out though - that was careless of me). He ran out of time for our end of shift meeting, a blessing.

I got the bus home, went into Boots, I walked my lovely dog, then fell asleep again. It's like I have a safety cut out switch or something. I don't even remember feeling tired. The urge to have a drink to wipe everything out is still here. A real physical ache/need. I don't like who I am, I don't know this version of me. I know I've been here before to some degree but the intensity of bitterness and self loathing is frightening. Day one for me. Almost done.

Thank you for this morning, x

Major Facebook cock-up caused partly by being drunk.

Am currently attempting to sort it out, but have had more to drink and am also panicking.

What the fuck is wrong with me? This is not the behaviour of a 43-year-old.

I don't do Facebook joey, is it something that could wait til morning to sort out?

Nothing wrong with you, by the way. Would it help to share? I am 45 but appear to have reverted to my 28 year old self at the minute.

Morning babes

Today is Day 35 for me. Another Saturday morning without a hangover. It's not so much the desire for drink that I am finding hard, but the emotions. Oh dear god. I suppose I haven't ever really had to live with them as I've drunk almost my entire life. Now without that nice numbness I have to face reality. Anyway, despite all that I am enjoying sobriety.

alias don't feel bad. Been there, done that a million times. It will pass. Tuck yourself into bed. Don't try and sort it out if you're drinking. Look after yourself. We like having you here. xx

mouse so pleased you're home. Hope things start to get easier for you. xx

welcome wry one thing about not drinking it does actually make you stronger and think more clearly so dealing with a wankhead boss should be easier if you're not in an alcohol induced fog. Stay on the bus. I was in a really bad place and this bus has helped me enormously. xx

Big hugs to everyone. xx

mouse SO SO lovely to hear from you, and I really hope the pain management system works for you.

alias for how you are feeling now. Even when sober it is possible to mistakenly end someone the wrong email, or to text the wrong person - my friend recently send me text she meant for her husband

But also, it IS a strong reminder that when we're drunk we're not really as much in control as we'd like to think we are...... and so it is entirely possible that things do go wrong. Take a deep breathe, disengage, sleep. Tomorrow (well today actually) is another day. You can reassess in the cold light of day; you can ignore it; you can apologise; you can make amends; or you could bury your head in the sand and have another drinking session tomorrow. Three of the above will make you feel better, and one will make you feel worse - guess which one will make you feel worse? So make yourself a cup of tea instead, relax, and forgive yourself just a little - we all make mistakes - sober or drunk. The important thing is your intention to drink less, be sober more, be in control more. WE will all get there.

sober 35 days - wow! I found it got both easier and harder... Easier because my habits were changing, my patterns were changing, and my mood was improving, but a little harder every day because the old wine witch was shispering, "well now you've proved you can do it, so you've not really got a problem, so go on have a drink, it'll be ok..." and then if I resisted more, the little voice would come back some days later "what are you afraid of? are you scared that you're addicted? Go on, one little drink will show that you can manage...."

Don't give in to that whispering - however dull and boring it is, enjoy every moment, and every new morning of sobriety.

wry your posts already sound better than yesterday. What a difference a day makes

Well I'm off to bed now, I think the football has finished, so all will be calm with him upstairs x

Thanks venus. WW is whispering away and sometimes I even indulge in the thought of 'controlled' drinking, but really I must somehow never go there. I cannot control my drinking. I tried for years and years. Why would now be any different? I so badly never want to get into 1-2 bottles of wine every day and that's exactly where I'll end up and very quickly. So this is what I have to do. And it's not that bad. I'm too old to be a lush anyway. Good night. xx

Morning all. Great start to the day with dh waking up to violent diarrhoea...one bed change later!!! Yuk.
wry bloody well done on yesterday!
alias did you manage to sort out your Facebook cock up
mouse so glad you are back with us.
socfish here, have the highest accolade I can offer. A green Opal fruit.
Thanks all for the comments re Ds. I am worried sick about him. Guidance can only work with him if he goes to school. Its getting him there that's the challenge and he won't go to the guidance base during the day "cos everyone thinks I'm a saddo anyway so that will make it worse"
We have two weeks of term left then 8 weeks with no interaction with kids from his high school, maybe only the odd visit from former primary pals. The more he stays off, the worse it gets, the worse it gets, the more he stays off.....

Well that makes all worthwhile. One of your green opal fruits ma.

Rocking Saturday night here babes. 7pm and I'm going to bed soon. With my book. Which I'll remember reading in the morning. It's quite blissful actually.

And I'm still married, which considering my high levels of intolerance lately is nothing short of a miracle. Wine made me so nice. .