The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Springing Into Spring Like Super Spingy Springs On A Springy Day!

[Mouseface]

Hello everyone, I'm Mouse :)

Welcome to the Bus, Gerald. Of course it's an imaginary Bus, and we're all aware of that, but we've been on this Bus for a bloomin' long time now so this place kinda feels like home.

See, the thing is, we're a mix of drinkers, non drinkers, total abstainers, and also posters that are or have been, somewhere in between, around the block and back again!

There are no hard and fast rules here, just No judging, No bitching about others and most certainly No expectations of YOURSELF.

No-one can say what will or will not happen whilst you're posting here. You just have to take the ride, One Day At A Time.

There are two sayings that we have painted down either side of the Bus :-

1. • The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement
2. • Alcohol Fosters Inertia

You've started to read this thread for a reason, and you'll either carry on and maybe Name Change (or not) and post, walk away, or realise that this is all about YOU, cry for a bit, and then come and take a seat :)

For those who would like a bit of our almost 4 year history, have a read of THIS TRULY INSPIRING THREAD

- AND THIS IS OUR PREVIOUS THREAD TO THIS ONE

We're not a quiche or a clicky group, four years is a long time and longer when you're pissed for some of it, so whilst the threads may look 'clicky', I can promise you, it's just that we all 'know' one another because we've been here for a bit but you'll soon get to know us all, who loves what (CHEEEEEEEESE), but we were all 'new posters' at one time, weren't we? :)

you do make me laugh joey!!

70 hope you got yourself a nice treat today, you are right, you DO deserve it

Guggs I love what you write to anne and I am definitely sensing a boing - glad you are feeling better.

Venus oh that made me cringe, mostly because I can imagine how annoyed I would have been and probably been making stupid remarks about being parched and searching out any allies. Hope the bride and groom got a decent picture despite the thirsty guests.

Hope all babes are having a good evening. Xx

Day 6 done !!!! Felt calm all day - which is an improvement in my mood - bought myself some underwear :). - Tonight has been tough though :(. - I have taken myself to bed as I can't cope any more. No longer have physiological symptoms so just psychological symptoms -
Hope you are Ok too Beaches :).
Big hugs to all - this is soooooo much tougher than I thought !!!

faire I normally do the c25k every year. This is the first year I haven't completed the training and won't be doing it. I am a disgrace, really. I feel so good when I manage not to drink but I can't sustain it. I hate what its doing to my health and my weight but don't hate it enough to make a change obviously

Evening, tis me, Mouse

Earlier on today, I PMd a very special friend a reply to what she had sent me. Here it is, edited for privacy reasons.

And thank you also to the other lovely, wonderful Babe for contacting me today too, knowing that you miss me is helping me get through the tar pit I'm in just now. :)

For those of you who have asked after me, thank you so much, I'm sorry to say that I've not really read back properly, just kinda skimmed through.

I'm struggling more than I ever have with my day to day existence. I miss my mum, all I see her dead face (sorry if that's harsh) every time I am awake, asleep and anything in between. I can't stop crying and I think it is finally hitting me, six month's down the line, that I will never, ever hold her hand again or tell her to her face that no matter how cruel she was at times due to her medication and illnesses, I will always love her.

Forever.

How do I get through this? How do I stop the tears and visions of her face, dead, hollow and gone? How do I stop thinking of my gorgeous Pippa? And my boys? How do I stop the world, shout to the person next to me that I'm hurting, I'm in pain, I want everyone to know that this life is shit just know?

I know that there are people out there with more worries than I have. Cancer, imminent death of a loved one, the fact that some may never have a child of their own. I recognise that. I get it.

My heart is breaking. Shattered and I feel selfish. I don't want anyone but Nemo and DD to hold me, DH seems cross with me at times, I love him, boy do I love him but I don't like him very much at the moment when he seems frustrated with me and I feel like running...... that's what I used to do, run. RUN SO FAST! But that's not me anymore. And he DOES NOT deserve that, not at all! I love him more than anything. He's half of me...............

What can I do to stop this pain?

And of course I am drinking.

I feel so ashamed. I've gone back to my default setting. I do so well and then something happens, the latest being I lose my 'adoptive' Goddaughter. A beautiful, gorgeous little poppet that you just want to squidge :)

I can't cope, I blur it out with booze. I've lost my way, lost my own will to live, lost my will to be me, to do anything. I know that is pathetic. Stupid even that the drink has crept back into my life.

I know that when the children go back to school, I will have more time to get out. I need to get out, be not here. I want to go and see my friends again, the ones who lost Pippa. I can't bear it. I can't. I feel like I'm going mad.

How can I stop this?

And now, after being totally selfish and ignoring you all, I'm going to try and get some sleep with DH in my arms...............

Can I just ask you all one thing? Kiss your children that one more time, tell them that you love them an extra time again and do the same with your family because booze or no booze, life is far too short.

Sorry for not name checking everyone, or for answering any questions that you may have. I love this Bus and for now, you can find me under a snuggly bit of of cotton wool at the back of the Bus, just so I can be here for anyone who needs me.

Sleep well lovely Brave Babes, stay safe.

Mouse xxx

Sorry for any typos.

Hi everyone, I'm very new to MN but have been a keen follower of many posts on here for a few months. Although there is a thread for people who want to abstain completely from alcohol on here, I found that the latest thread was more geared for "old timers" to check in rather than the original thread geared around people who wanted to stop drinking completely and not cut down.

I am 43 with a DH & 2 DS, 11 & 13. I have been involved with alcohol since I was around 14ish. My parents divorced when I was 10 because my mother fucked off with my neighbour, she went AWOL for 2 weeks while my DF crumbled, he was in the Merchant Navy and due back imminently, we had the 2.4 family and although he was at sea 9 months and 3 months off, it was our life, DM met him at college and they were together 5 years before I came along, although she was 4 months pregnant at her wedding at age 20.

Her leaving was a huge shock to everyone, the neighbour was a tosser and also had a DW, 2 DC. DM came back and took us to live 400 miles away to a life where we weren't welcome! She'd split up 2 families and they weren't happy about it! My SF was an alcoholic and in time a paedophile to me, then my DS! Mine and my sister's life during our teenage years was a complete and utter mess, my DF married again to an alcoholic who completely fucked our lives up, there's so much history, it would take forever!! In the end, I left home at 17, it was either that or be raped! I went into a woman's hostel, then into college halls of residence. My SF was a twat, my "D"M refused to acknowledge I was telling the truth and branded me "attention seeking" and a liar! We didn't speak for many years, in the meantime I drank, and drank and drank, took drugs and slept my way through countless idiots all the time just looking for someone to take care of me and love me the way people should.

I met my DH in '97 and he was a breath of fresh air, didn't do drugs, stable family life, long-term friends, etc so we settled, had kids and for a long time it was good, until this alcohol problem that'd been festering in the background had become a huge elephant in the room and it was suffocating all of us! My DH stopped drinking around 3 years ago because me and alcohol and him and alcohol just didn't mix, whereas I can function when drunk, he couldn't and I just didn't have time for it, it brought out the worst in our relationship and when one night, after he came home drunk, we had an argument, I refused to let him in the front door, he got in the car and fucked off, I was beside myself with worry, I was on Jury Service at the time and deliberating the next day, I left home with him passed out hoping he would take the kids to school while I went to court, I told him then and there that he could either stop drinking or leave, he stopped.

Since then I have spiralled into knowing he is always driving, knowing he will always get up during the night for the kids so I have got worse and worse and worse! I am appalled that during a week I can recycle 6 or 7 boxes of wine, I wake up to that pitying look on my DH's face as he asks me if I remember what went on last night, the look in my DS1's face when he states that he's asked his friends how many glasses of wine his friends' Mums drink and it's nowhere near the amount I have!

The humility of waking up feeling like utter shite, stopping with absolute determination until day 3 or at most 4 and feeling healthy, so 1 or 2 glasses won't hurt!! Then waking up with your shoulder blades hurting (I know it's not really my shoulders) or sitting on the loo for 40 minutes with the shits because my bowls are fucked!

I want to live my life where alcohol doesn't determine the type of person I am, doesn't determine the mood I'm in and doesn't dictate my day, I want to stop drinking because me and drink don't work and drink won't give my children a good, happy, stable mother and I'd like to have sex with my husband when I'm not drunk for once!!

Thank you

Day 1

Hello popper
Welcome. Can relate to much of your post.

Keep posting and keep reading. Post as much shit on here as you like. It really helps.

I'm blaming these wonderful babes on here for my 3 week sobriety (this time). It's absolutely wonderful to be sober.
xx

Bollocks to work. Long day yesterday in London, came out of meeting to read presentation on BlackBerry outlining how they were reducing staff yet again and we are going into job matching and re-interviews.got to station, dived into pub and headfirst into ridiculously overpriced wine, then gin and tonic on train. Ruined diet and weight loss for the week. So annoyed with myself, and so,blwoody sick of this constant stress. Got to be in at 7.30 today cos of ridiculous deadline too. D'aaaaaarghh.

Ahhhh looking - hang on in there - as I have recently found out - work is not worth ruining your health for - hope today is a better day for you !!!

Mouse - I've been a longtime lurker on this thread and I hope you don't mind me coming out of hibernation for the first time to give you a hug. Sounds a bit presumptuous as we have never 'met' - but I have loved your posts and your support for others and your humour and your last post has made me all teary for you. I just hope you are ok. Lots of people on here obviously care for you very much, with reason, and I would add my support to theirs and wish you all strength to get through this. Don't beat yourself up about the drinking in the midst of all you're going through, and just be kind to yourself.

Mouse, thinking of you and sending you all the strength and love you need to get you through the day xxx

Mouse how to stop the pain? I don't know, my lovely, I really don't know. The only thing I suppose we can know for certain is that it will eventually start to ease.

I feel like you are overwhelmed, that you have a crushing weight on your chest and constant throbbing in your head. You have all this grief on top of the pain caused by your conditions and you have a very special little boy who needs you 24 hours a day. On top of all that you have the usual demands of being a mother, wife and friend.

I'm glad that you know we are here for you, thinking of you, wishing you well and hoping that you will stay with us x

ma ((hugs)) to you to, maybe every other day is the best for you right now?

hope that sounds horrendous. Don't forget HALT, it sounds like some of that is getting to you. Plan some other treats instead. It's not too late to reclaim your diet, one day off won't hurt, just don't let it bleed into the next few days x

70 well done! 6 days is fantastic and today will make it a whole week!! Don't let that derail you, will you? Keep on pushing on. If only we could bottle that great early morning feeling when you wake up realising that you didn't drink

Hi Popper, welcome to the bus and thank you for sharing your story.

I want to live my life where alcohol doesn't determine the type of person I am, doesn't determine the mood I'm in and doesn't dictate my day, I want to stop drinking because me and drink don't work and drink won't give my children a good, happy, stable mother and I'd like to have sex with my husband when I'm not drunk for once!!

I love that statement, it's so clear and so achievable. You are not asking to be rich or permanently happy or to have a perfect life. You just want the simple, every day pleasures that many take for granted.

And you can have it. Stick with us. The best advice is to post as often as you can, whatever you want to say. Keeping in touch with the bus, even when drinking, will help you towards your goals

Hi to all x

Hi Faire - wonderful wise words as always - no I am determined not to be derailed :(. - feeling an inner peace again today - I don't know if I feel better or have mor energy (I do t think so) but I am definately less anxious which is ironic really as I am sure one of the reasons I drank was due to my anxiety -
Sorry Mouse just seen your post - so e times life is just sh@@ and I hope you find yourself in a better place soon a big hugs xxxxx

Well no plans for today as last day of kids hols so lots of homework/revision - next week I start my fitness regime

welcome popper
(((mouse )))

wow both threads are moving really quickly now- that's good.

mouse My heart just goes out to you- what can be worse than berevement? I haven't suffered as big a loss as you but I remember how physically painful it is.Have given ds a massive kiss. Stay as safe as you can and get out in the sunshine when it finally appears.

welcome popper and scarflady and thank you for sharing.Honesty is vital to standing up to the WW.

I'm just checking in very quickly- Day 6. I'd forgotten the grumpy camel stage- Dh is less than thrilled

What is the grumpy camel stage guggs? I am on day 5 so may qualify as one

Mouse I am so sorry that you are going through such a bleak time, so much weight on your shoulders. Please remember you are amoung friends here and we want to be a support to you. Xx

Welcome Popper, a very raw and honest post. Brave lady. Sending you some day 2 strength.

Hi to you too Scarflady

70 so true about the anxiety, initially it soothes but at some point it becomes the source for much of it. Well done, you are sounding strong and determined.

obrigada good to see you. and Ma, hope, faire and Soc. . Hope you are all heading for a sunny and calm weekend babes xxx

Hi babes, popper god no wonder you drink!!! You are very very brave and your frank admission is the first step of a wonderful journey on our bus, I'm sending you a big scottish hug and you are safe here!!
mouse I cry with you and for you, I can offer you nothing but the knowledge you are loved and have touched all our lives with your beautiful soul, I hope time will heal your pain my lovely babe xxx hi to 70 loving reading the ever changing tone of your posts, your doing brilliantly!! My shitty phone mskes it too hard to name check but to all my longer known and dear friends on here, keeping fighting the good fight... Day 5 dh drinking neighbours in the garden drinking, it's tough but I will stay strong because I have you guys xxx

beaches might just be me but I am grumpy,grumpy,grumpy after 9 pm. I'm all tired but too wide awake to go to bed- it's a very stupid stage!

popper how are you doing now? I've been thinking about your post and there is so much to think about. You are not alone in the things that have happened to you and just because you have been caught in that terrible cycle of drinking and thinking doesn't mean it will always be that way. The threads are wonderful. Do you have any rl support too?

guggs I'm also grumpy as hell at that time but your so right it's too early to sleep but I'm too tired to read or watch tv, i love "it's a very stupid stage" couldn't have put it better myself.... It's kinda boring but I don't even want to drink, I think sobriety has just made me realise how boring my life actually is!!!! I'm finding it difficult to find the motivation to excercise, my crohn's causes me to run to the loo all day and by early evening I feel exhausted and In pain so I need to find a way to fill these stupid hours with something more fulfilling than folding up bloody washing which lets face it "ain't all that" xxxx

I'm doing good, it's Friday evening and I'm drinking sparking water and heading for my first weekend sober in I can't remember how many years and it feels good!! I'm not saying it will be easy but I finally feel ready which is a huge step forward.
I haven't told anyone my decision yet as I need to get it clear in my mind, if I can get (no, WHEN I get) through this weekend sober then I will tell my DH and DS1 that this is the way forward, I notice they are (not so) subtly checking what I am drinking but that's ok, they have every reason to. I know they will support me and that they are my biggest critics which is what I need them to be.
I cancelled a night out with a good friend of mine on Saturday and honestly told her that I had made the decision to stop drinking and that I didn't want to put myself in the situation where I would be in a pub with a load of girls drinking and not crumble, she suggested I drive instead, I think with it being my first weekend I just don't need any triggers, I'm not sure she quite understood but hey

popper I'm in exactly the same boat, my dh and dd watch me like a hawk as you say with every reason so I totally relate, I also would lie low and give yourself a fighting chance. If you can get out and about tomorrow during the day and get some fresh air and a good walk, keeping busy by day means when you get home, your more likely to be contented to get a take away and chill out. In my experience weekend drinking for me is down to boredom so I'm taking my dd's to a country park tomorrow, sounds ridiculous but to exert myself as much as them. It's one day at a time and I'm doing it with you as are many fabulous babes. Good luck and stay strong xx

Probably way to early to go to the pub Popper. Even driving, it would be tempting to leave the car and get a cab. Or break into a bottle when you get home. Good idea to cancel.

Right, I'm off to bed.

Thoughts going out to Isinde, Why and Im who haven't checked in for a while. Flumpy are you ok? Sorry for not checking everyone but please drop in if you have been MIA for a while.

Hi babes, quick check in, seems to have gone quiet, hope everyone's been enjoying the sun :)

I'm having some low cal wine and planning/hoping to tackle eating better, drinking less through June. I need to refocus. Not a bad day today, took the dds to the cinema this morning, did some 'proper mummy' crafty things, and gardened this afternoon while they played out. I almost enjoyed myself. I would have except I kept feeling really resentful - as I was getting on with the garden and housework it kept coming to mind all the times h has refused to help, he literally won't do a thing.Even when I was pregnant he stood back and watched whilst I pulled our carpets up and god forbid he clean the cat litter! Ok, not sure what the point of my rant is, I just get so frustrated and resentful.

Checking in.

hi annie sounds like you had a good day, feels good to have a "normal" day. I know from my own experience anger and resentment are classic triggers for the old vino, resentment grows its own arms and legs and I reckon the most difficult emotion to overcome. looking back at your posts im not surprised your pissed off at h, your best revenge is to look fabulous and be in control of your life making h realise you need him less and less!!!! day 6 here and its been hard, weather has been lovely and everywhere I look people are drinking or buying booze but I keep reminding myself they can control it, I cannot!!! like watching a thin person eat a fish supper, its a treat, not a need.... hope everyone is doing ok, hugs to all xx

Checking in. Day 2.

Have bad period pain, but I've been pretending I'm fine all day - so that DD doesn't get worried about getting them! Trying to be all breezy "it's just a normal part of being a woman, no big deal" but inside I'm thinking WHY do we get cramps? It doesn't seem very sensible, evolution-wise.

Sorry not to NC, hope everyone is doing okay.