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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'Why does he do that' :(

39 replies

ontherocks · 04/04/2014 00:45

I've just ordered it. I've seen situations in my relationship that makes me think I'm minimising. I'm worried I'm setting myself up. I love him.

There's been a few slaps, verbal abuse but I know he loves me when everything is calm and he holds me. I really feel it. But he turns so quickly. I just feel weak sometimes.

I don't know what I'm asking but just wanted to talk as I can't tell anyone :(

OP posts:
Original poster
ontherocks · 04/04/2014 00:47

I've read this back. Fuck I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 04/04/2014 00:48

He 'does that' because it gets him what he wants.

If he is hitting you then you must leave him, or kick him out, please. You can't cure him of this. Save yourself.

Do you have children?

Only1scoop · 04/04/2014 00:49

You are not pathetic....you are with an abusive partner. Sounds controlling....do you live together?

LineRunner · 04/04/2014 00:49

You're not pathetic. You are actually very brave to post here. Thanks

Original poster
ontherocks · 04/04/2014 01:11

We don't live together. We have children but not together. I'm just so sad. He's never hit me when sober but if he drinks too much then it's happened. Not everytime though just occasionally.

He's very jealous, without reason, I feel I can't even glance around sometimes as he'll ask me what I was looking at??

I'm gutted. I love him. He knows that.

OP posts:
TheVictorian · 04/04/2014 01:21

ontherocks considering the safety of yourself and the children would you think it would be better if you left him ?

Original poster
ontherocks · 04/04/2014 01:26

He's lovely with my children but they've never been around him when he drinks or seen him lose him temper. I'm hoping he'd never do that.

Am I being naive? Seriously my judgement is shot to bits. I feel so much love from him, he's so protective but sometimes he loses it :(

OP posts:
LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/04/2014 01:29

You can't make him better, only he can change his behaviour. If I had hit my DP when drunk I would make sure I never drank again.

Unless he is willing and able to stop drinking altogether if that is his only trigger then there is no hope.

Even so, what sort of message are you giving to your DCs, his DCs, to him and very importantly to yourself, if you stay with a man who is physically abusive to you?

You are not pathetic, but you obviously don't value yourself highly enough if you think you should put up with this in order to earn the affections of this man when he is on his best behaviour.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/04/2014 01:31

Btw, I know how it feels to love someone but not their behaviour. Unless you take a very firm stance on this it will continue and possibly escalate.

Do you have a line which you will not allow to be crossed? Would it be a slap in front of the DCs? A push or a shove, a punch, infidelity? Mw hat would it actually take for you to say no more?

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/04/2014 01:32

Mw hat is what!

TheFuckers · 04/04/2014 01:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MexicanSpringtime · 04/04/2014 04:57

It sounds like you are starting to realise the situation you are in, OP.
Have you got to the point of not having any friends left?

I was in abusive relationship, so was my daughter, unfortunately and so has my best friend. If getting into an abusive relationship is pathetic that makes an awful lot of us.

As for love, is that love? Sexual attraction, maybe, but what is he protecting you from when he is the biggest danger in your life?

SnookyPooky · 04/04/2014 05:21

Please don't move in with this man. You sound like me over 20 years ago.
Mine was gorgeous, funny, kind, generous, came from a good family etc. But in drink he knocked me about, was jealous even of the time I spent with my family, I stopped going out without him and he thought a trip to the supermarket should be enough for me. The only thing I did alone was go to work and he clockwatched me on that.
I let let him move in and lived that was for 5 or 6 years.
Run for the hills.....

SnookyPooky · 04/04/2014 05:22

*lived that way.

YoDiggity · 04/04/2014 05:24

You don't need a book to be able to understand why a man hits you, because it doesn't bloody well MATTER why he hits you. The fact is, he hits you.

You don't live with him and you don't have children with him. It is easy for you to leave, to walk away, to not tolerate being hit.

But you continue to be with him. You don't need a book to understand why he is so flawed, you need a book to understand why you are.

neiljames77 · 04/04/2014 05:48

You say he's good with your kids but someone that unstable and nasty could hit them when pissed up and pissed off.
If you stay with him, you could be playing Russian roulette with their safety.

FabULouse · 04/04/2014 06:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Missesbumble · 04/04/2014 07:24

Honestly, why try to work him out? This book is mentioned a lot in counselling and the freedom programme. Advice is given to read books like; the secret, or the power etc by Rhonda Byrne or 'in the meantime' is another good book to read. It's about self help IMHO. 'Living with the dominator' is another good read.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2014 07:35

ontherocks

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

You are selling yourself well short and likely think or have learnt from others that you deserve no better.

What needs of yours does he meet currently, what is really keeping you within this now?.

There is no happy future or life for you if you further involve yourself with this abusive man so leaving him is really your only option. He being what you have seen as "protective" towards you is actually controlling; you are likely getting to the stage where he is pretty much monitoring your ever move. Abusers are not abusive all the time and they can also be pretty much plausible to those in the outside world but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one.

What is it about this man do you love or do you still want to save and or rescue him on some level?. Was your own father very similar in nature i.e abusive to this man?.

Love your own self for a change and also read up on co-dependency within relationships.

differentnameforthis · 04/04/2014 08:16

He's never hit me when sober but if he drinks too much then it's happened.

If I had hit my DP when drunk I would make sure I never drank again. It's not the simple. Alcohol doesn't make you hit someone.

It is a trigger, but it doesn't make you do it.

FabULouse- How can you tolerate being hit? It's not the ops fault, & this sounds like victim blaming to me. Leaving isn't easy. Infact, violence can & does get worse at the point of separation.

tribpot · 04/04/2014 08:32

Alcohol doesn't make you hit someone.

That's true, but if you were wanting to demonstrate any kind of remorse about what you had done, the first step you would take would be not to drink again.

Jealous, drunk, violent. Can you offset that against what I'm sure is the lovebombing he does to you in between to make you feel that what you have is something special and worth 'fighting' for? Abusers have to use the carrot as well as the stick to keep their victims compliant.

Please try to learn the lessons from this Ted Talk - and don't minimise this, too, as 'it's not that bad'. The key word is 'yet'.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 04/04/2014 08:51

I know what people are saying about alcohol not MAKING you hit someone, but if it is a trigger and he hasn't tried to remove that trigger then he's not even trying to be a better person.

And yes, even without the slapping and verbal abuse, the controlling nature, not letting you even glance round without interrogation - he has some serious issues and the longer you are with him, the more his insecurities and jealousy will come out. You can't help him but you can help yourself (and actually by leaving him and showing that a woman doesn't have to tolerate his shitty behaviour, you may end up helping him in the end).

Your children will suffer even if they don't witness any of this because you will become a shell of your former self, afraid to do or say the wrong things, making sure that they also know what to say and do to placate the man. You admit that your judgment is shot. I know how you feel, but your judgment won't get any better while you are not in control of your own actions, you are basing every move on how someone else will react.

DumbleDee · 04/04/2014 16:57

Lynda - you sound like you've been through it - and with your earlier post put a stop to it? Did you manage to change things or did you leave? Personal reasons for asking x

If you stayed and things changed, what why and how?

pilates · 04/04/2014 16:58

What are you getting from this relationship?

It sounds awful.

Please rethink and leave this man, if not for your sake for your childrens.

sarahquilt · 04/04/2014 17:17

The first time you're hit has to be the last time. Walk out. People don't change.