'Why does he do that' :(

[ontherocks]

I've just ordered it. I've seen situations in my relationship that makes me think I'm minimising. I'm worried I'm setting myself up. I love him.

There's been a few slaps, verbal abuse but I know he loves me when everything is calm and he holds me. I really feel it. But he turns so quickly. I just feel weak sometimes.

I don't know what I'm asking but just wanted to talk as I can't tell anyone :(

I don't know why. I just know it was his CHOICE!

I wouldn't say pathetic. But you know deep down the jealousy will get worse, the slaps can start as a nasty reflex in a moment of temper but they become a familiar tactic to keep you in line, and you'll be walking on eggshells the rest of your life before can say "abusive".

And when you reach the point further on, where excusing him to anyone in your diminishing social circle, you describe him as a 'good (step) dad' suffixed with the unspoken thought, "...because he hits me but never raises a hand to them" by then you are truly fucked.

Who cares if there's a 'reason' why someone slaps you such as drink- there's no good reason ever, under any circumstances. I would tolerate many things, but not being slapped or physically abused by my husband.

I don't care how 'nice' he is the rest of the time- he's not nice, he slaps women, more to the point, slaps you.

Please consider leaving/getting to safety. Your children would be devastated if they knew mummy was getting hit and if they weren't then that means they think this is ok:( it isn't.

He will continue and it will most likely get worse.

Where do you see this relationship going? Do you want your DCs to see this? Do you want him to treat your DCs that way?

I just want him to want me. Why?

My children know him but aren't involved.

Thank you all for your advice. I can't sleep and I've read it all. I think I need to sort myself out as this is not just about me it will affect my children :(

My head is a mess.

Ontherocks - your children are involved. Their mother is being mistreated and abused. They're growing up seeing the damage it's causing you and will think it's normal and acceptable behaviour.

That's true, but if you were wanting to demonstrate any kind of remorse about what you had done, the first step you would take would be not to drink again

Oh, absolutely!!

You don't live together
You aren't financially entwined
You don't have children together

He hits you and abuses you and blames it on the drink

Get out now because it will only get worse.

but if you were wanting to demonstrate any kind of remorse about what you had done, the first step you would take would be not to drink again

To extend on this, I agree, as I said, and my point was, that because the drink doesn't make him do it, stopping drinking would not change the fact that he is abusive.

I don't want op to fall into the trap where he says to her that he will stop [drinking] & for her to think that is the answer, because it isn't.

My point (again) is that he would hit her, drunk or not.

If the relationship progresses, you will be living together. It will definitely get worse then, as he has you even more under his control. Then your children will witness it, and most likely be a victim of it as well.

You have realised NOW that it is unhealthy and dangerous behaviour, while you are fortunate enough to be able to easily make a clean break from him and stay safe. Now you need to follow that through and make the break.

Why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone that clearly does not value you? You deserve someone better.

ontherocks: "I just want him to want me. Why?"

I think you should talk to a counsellor. Not all counsellors are good of course, but you do need to find out the reason for this and solve it.

None of this is love nor will it turn into love.

"I just want him to want me. Why?"

I would suggest there are two possible answers to this. One is that you want to "fix" him - starting again with someone new is hard work so the easier options is to do some DIY on this fixer-upper and hopefully it will all pay off.

You're wrong. It won't. People don't change.

The other, and more likely possibility is that you don't value yourself nearly enough, and somewhere inside think that he is as good as you deserve.

Again, you're wrong. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be loved by someone who doesn't ever make you afraid or unhappy, who supports you, values you, respects you and makes you every day easier just because they are there.

You are not tied to this man in any way. Please end it immediately. And as others have suggested, it's probably a good idea to get some counselling before you enter into another relationship, because you will only ever attract men who treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated. You need to learn to love yourself wholly, fully and unconditionally before anyone else can love you that way too.

Good luck.

Also I think if you've been abandoned or treated badly by a man in the past (probably your father, or perhaps a previous abusive or just emotionally distant partner) then you subconsciously seek out other similar men who don't really love you either, and set about trying to make them stay with you and make them love you, despite all evidence to the contrary.

It's a way of trying to replay past relationships but with a different ending. But it doesn't work. So it just cements your already low opinion of yourself as an unlovable woman who should be grateful for the attention of any old fuckwit prepared to be with her.

Read 'women who love too much' imo it is badly written but gives insight into why we can get stuck in dysfunctional/abusive relationships, and then find good therapy