DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Eloped!how deliciously exciting,beats a free bar and seating plan any day

Yep, went down to Leith Registry House, collared two strangers sitting outside who were sober and clean, offered them free lunch, did the thing and had lunch in Ocean Terminal Shopping Centre straight after.

We bought rings from Cash Converters in Leith Walk. DH wore the kilt he'd been given for his 21st and I wore a lovely shift dress I had.

Think the whole thing cost us about £250 and Zizzi threw in a bottle of fizz for us!

Good luck when you do have the honest chat about your resentment if he flounders for a few more years and then decides no. I do agree you are the person that really knows him but also, you have to be honest about you feel too. For me, no dc wouldn't just lead to resentment over time, it'd lead to hatred and splitting.

Scottishmummy But he's not saying no kids, no marriage, is he? I asked him straight two months ago if that was the case and he insisted there was no way he would keep me hanging if that was the case - he's definitely sees marriage as part of our future (although clearly not in the same timeframe I do) and he's not sure about kids, but hasn't ruled it out.

I'd not want to have children with someone who was so ambivalent.why do you?
Because having kids has always been part of my life plan and I don't want to spend my life with anyone but him - we have a great rapport, he's my intellectual equal, we fancy each other rotten, I could go on…the fact is, I've been in several long term relationships where I was in love, but the connection I have with DP is above and beyond anything I've ever experienced before, which makes it even harder to get my head round that we're not on the same page about this...

He's perfectly entitled to not want weans or marriage,it's not an obligation
You're equally entitled to want weans,marriage.but with man who wants to,thars the rub
My folk imply it's personal weakness/flaw if a man won't marry his partner,it's not,it's preference

Re-read your own op,he is telling you in non direct way.youre not reading the signal
You're not listening,because you want this,you love him,you hope you'll persuade him
He doesn't to want to marry you,or have kids with you.i think you actually know this deep down,but it hurts

I would start compiling a list of why its good to not have children. As you are very good at the list of why he hasn't proposed.

'I asked him straight two months ago if that was the case and he insisted there was no way he would keep me hanging if that was the case - he's definitely sees marriage as part of our future (although clearly not in the same timeframe I do) and he's not sure about kids, but hasn't ruled it out.'

That's a no because your timeframe is now.

I'm sure he doesn't mean to keep you hanging, he sure does have a lot of good intentions, but that's what it's doing just now.

So your decision is if you feel this connection is worth never having children, because 'not ready now' and 'not sure but haven't ruled it out' means by the time he is ready or rules it in, your fertility ship may have sailed.

You have to decide if this romantic relationship is greater than your need and desire to have children, because he doesn't want them.

But he's not saying no kids, no marriage, is he?

He's not because you would walk away if that was the case so he decides not to say that outright.

"I asked him straight two months ago if that was the case and he insisted there was no way he would keep me hanging if that was the case - he's definitely sees marriage as part of our future (although clearly not in the same timeframe I do) and he's not sure about kids, but hasn't ruled it out".

Well he is dithering for a reason; he does not I think want to marry you because he cannot bring himself to make that public commitment to you. Saying also that he's not sure about children but has not ruled it out is I think part of his overall carrot and stick approach to relationships. It keeps you hanging onto hope that he will one day say yes to both marriage and children. I still think you are his "she will do for now" woman.

You have a stark choice,stay maintain the rapport,frission.potentially no kids,no marriage
Go,meet someone else,kids,marriage
I'm sorry but reading what you write of him,get doesnt want kids,or marriage.hes just stalling you

Well he's not going to come out and tell you straight that he doesn't want kids and doesn't want to get married is he? He won't want you to leave.

There's a chance you may be right and he's just dragging his feet over when. But there's a good chance he knows he doesn't want to but doesn't want the relationship to finish.

Its up to you whether you take the risk and how long you're prepared to hang on for. If you're still in this position in a year, two years, five years?

What is he telling you by his (lack of) actions?

Even by his words to be honest. He started off wanting kids one day and now says he isn't sure. Sounds to me like someone dropping big hints.

When you click with a man who wants weans with you,he's not saying later,maybe,and oh
He's as decisive as you are about it,and you bang like bunnies hoping to get pg
Sorry,but a man in the zone isn't uh-umm.

the connection I have with DP is above and beyond anything I've ever experienced before

So maybe not having DC wouldn't be the end of the world? They are not obligatory and if you think you'd be happy enough with just him then there is no rush.

But if you are sure that you do want DC then you just can't hang around and he will have to stop making excuses (that's all they are) and piss or get off the pot (to use my Granny's wonderfully crude analogy.)

His comment about people "jumping on the bandwagon" was insensitive at best, when he knows you want marriage and DC and you are both in mid thirties.

I guess the Q is how long are you willing to wait for him to decide if he wants DC / TTC? Three months, six, a year?

Why were his female friends giving opinions on your relationship?

If he's three years in and still dragging his feet with one excuse or another, its time to shit or get off the pot.

You know what you want - marriage and babies and pdq. He doesn't. He's told you.

But what is cruel, I think, is the caveats in place " when I'm ready.. Romance... Surprise.. " its all about him and his life now. Three years into a relationship and living together you know. Its just you both have different answers.

I'm sorry op, I think he is messing you about somewhat. If you keep on at him he might drop you anyway. This elephant in the room will never go away and just get bigger and bigger. The weddings won't be fun, with people getting pissed and asking when its your turn. Will you agree with him to avoid the elephant?

I do agree with Atilla that I think he's making do with you. Sorry. Maybe there's a chance he just has cold feet about parenthood but ime blokes who have cold feet about being a dad when they do get together with someone else suddenly lose their cold feet and quickly get married and have kids.

I didn't think I'd want children with anyone but my ex. I adored him, he made me laugh, he was kind to animals, I thought he was perfect dad material. I don't suppose anyone in my entire life will understand me and have the connection with me that he had.

BUT with him, I couldn't have had the life I wanted. He wasn't prepared to give it to me. I could have said - did say - let's take a break for 5 years and wait to see whether you feel differently then, perhaps we can adopt. He would never have come back to me, though, I see it now.

Instead, I found my DH who has been everything to me that my ex couldn't, and he is putting DD to bed whilst I lie in the spare room getting on with the task of miscarrying our second child. It's terribly sad, but not unbearable, because we have her. If I'd let any more time go by, if DH and I had waited a little and not started TTC so soon (we'd only known each other 18 months), we might not have our beautiful girl, and I don't know where I'd be.

It's very hard, life, and knowing what choices to make can seem impossible. But when choices start being taken out of your hands by biology, then you have to act on it.

No it's not the timescale as such,it's what he's saying in non direct way
Although at mid30s if he wants kids he should be decisive,he isn't.he stalling you
But fir as long as you give him all the hes so wonderful status,he'll have upper hand

Why wasn't he snapped up before?maybe other girlfriends twigged he's no want kids or marriage

Dozer his female friends are now among some of my best friends (in fact I've become closer to some of them than he is) so it feels natural to talk to them about issues close to my heart.

I'm not going to issue ultimatums, but in my head I'm thinking it needs to get decided by the end of this year at the latest.

marshmallow

I have had two friends who have had "d"p's tell them they wouldn't be led on when to propose. And even, if you keep nagging the further away the proposal is getting

She got her proposal and her wedding but he is still a gigantic cock.

The other friend has a kind of half relationship, god only knows why she is bothering with someone who feeds her half lies and bollocks to keep things on the even keel he wants.

But I digress.

He has told you he doesn't want children now. He might want them in the future. This has altered from his original view that he would want to get married and have kids within five years.

He is now actively looking at things, such as the holiday etc, which will make the wedding and ttc move further away. Whether he is doing that deliberately or not only he knows.

I am astounded at the amount of people that agreed with quietly's advice. I do not want, and am certainly not, married to a man who needs to be coerced into a marriage or into parenthood. I am married to a man who wanted the same things as I did, not a reluctant potential father who I eventually talked round because he was enjoying the high life too much. But it was okay when the dc turned up because he's a great dad now. Fuck me that's a big risk to take.

Nutty you said you are TTC. Has your DP got okay sperm results etc back? I guess I am asking how effective the reversal was as I have a df who is currently thinking about this. And how long after the op was the reversal? Please ignore all questions if too personal

Sounds like my ex-boyfriend. Wow, did we have a rapport.

His timescale was about a decade off mine.

We kept going back and forth. And he was right, he did want to marry and have kids, just not when I needed to do so because the clock was ticking.

It was soooo hard, yet another relationship with a person who didn't want/wasn't ready for kids.

I was at an all-time low and made the huge, drastic decision to move about 7000 miles away.

It was actually too painful to even stay in the same city!

I thought, 'Fuck it. I may not meet someone, but at least I tried,' and decided to also look at going it alone or with a gay man who wanted to co-parent, perhaps, giving myself a couple of years.

I met DH. Well, I was his lodger, actually. But after getting to know each other and talks about what we wanted out of life and being on the same page, we decided to go for it, together. I still didn't quite believe him, having been lead along, until he got home from work, broke out his passport, grabbed his car keys and said there was still time to go the Registry House to apply for a marriage license.

My eldest was born nearly 11 years ago, the ex boyfriend's older is nearly 2.

Our timing was off.

Why end if year,what's significance or is it arbitrary date.if he still not want kids will you walk?
Sorry but his friends may well like you,but they were his pals first,and if forced they'd chose him
He's stalling,your stalling.

His twin brother isn't married and has no DC, despite the fact he's been with his DP for over 10 years. The difference is, she was the one who was adamant she didn't want to go down the marriage and kids route.

I've told DP in no uncertain terms would I be happy with that arrangement.

If he's honesty just uninformed/dithering also talk about the links to older dads and autism, downs etc. there is (preliminary) research about increasing developmental delays due to being older parents. I rocked up to the midwife finally thrilled to be pg and immediately it's chances of downs, this or that and you kick yourself for waiting so long.