DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

'When you click with a man who wants weans with you,he's not saying later,maybe,and oh
He's as decisive as you are about it,and you bang like bunnies hoping to get pg
Sorry,but a man in the zone isn't uh-umm.'

^ This!

Never knew until I met DH!

Was taken aback, 'Wow, this man is for real!'

I found that very attractive, too

Why end if year,what's significance or is it arbitrary date?
Because that's when I finish my PhD, so I feel I'll be moving into a new phase of my life.

Fair enough,but a man who wants weans will leave you in no doubt he wants a family
You're not getting that signal from him.at all.in fact he's non directly saying no
You're clearly smart woman,and I don't think there's only one man fir a woman.i think one can meet and have rapport,connection with a man who doesn't want same things

' I don't think there's only one man fir a woman.'

I hope my daughter learns this early! Thankfully I did before it was too late to have children, which is what I wanted (fair enough to those who do not, their choice).

In fact, with DH, our connection has grown so much deeper than I thought possible once we got married and started trying for a family, having children and the challenges we have faced and been through together in the past 12 years.

I try to teach our children that love is respect, and it starts with respecting yourself and loving yourself. You have it and give it out. Anyone who doesn't in return does not love you. Love you more. And move on.

I have several close friends who are childfree by choice, four women and two men. They never wanted children and were open and honest about this from the get go. It wasn't until they were in their 30s and 40s that they finally hooked up with people who felt the same.

Wise post,expat

I have to say that I understand not all men put their cards on the table all at once - I guess their minds don't work that way - but a nudge in the right direction doesn't hurt.

I met DH via online dating, and on his profile under 'wants children' it said 'maybe', so I was a bit worried about that - but mine said 'yes', so I guess he knew what I wanted.

It was the first time I saw him with his nieces, being a lovely uncle, that I saw what a great dad he could be - and I think he saw from that day how much I adored kids. So we had 'the talk' that night and everything was much clearer after that.

I asked him later if he had had a strong feeling about wanting a family or not, before he met me, and he said he wasn't fixed on it one way or the other - his life was very settled in lots of ways, a job he enjoyed, lots of friends, a flat in the city he loved, lots of work based travel, he could have carried on like that for years - but he said he was aware 'a part of life was passing me by'. That has really stayed with me - he may not have been quite as fixated on parenthood as I was, but he knew he wanted something more out of life. You really need to get a sense of whether your DP has that sense of a gap in their lives, or whether they could carry on quite happily with life as it currently is. I know my ex wanted to carry on just as he was - still going out clubbing, hanging out with much younger friends, behaving like a teenager at 30 - and I didn't.

Thank you mansize for the

Reading your post OP I have to say it doesn't seem quite right that he has so much power and control in this scenario. One way or another I think you need to get some of that back. Whatever action you take, I think it needs to be with the belief that you have a choice. While there are never any guarantees you might well meet someone else who is great and who shares the same hopes and wishes as you for life. While you are with your current partner any chance of that is blocked. From your post it does sound like he is doing everything to indicate that he does not want children. That's really hard (I know, I've been there twice). I think you need to act to take control back - whether that's by issuing an ultimatum or voting with your feet. A heartbreaking decision I know but it is your fertility that is at stake, if he loves you he really must respect your feelings about that

Sorry to read about your mc marshmallow,take care of yourself

OP I have PMed you

Sorry to hear about your predicament CarryOn. I think you are doing well to look to mumsnet for support.

I can only speak as I find and I hope you are able to get the advice you need.

I know a couple who have been together since 18 and 21 have lived together for more than 3 years. On the surface the seem happy enough and now at 30 and 33 they jointly own their house in London, go on fabulous holidays and have a great social life.

The lady really is keen to settle down with her partner from what she has implied as some of her friends are now having children.

However, the man ( who is my friend) absolutely will not commit.He will not even allow her to have a cat. I know absolutely that he has cheated on her more than once, gambles and hides his money from her, has told my husband years ago that he didn't think this girl is right for him and remains unhappy. Since then, I have come to know conclusively that he is not in love with her and never will be.

At almost 33, just doesn't know what he wants so he pays lip service to her, buys her very expensive gifts and pays lip service to her. I so want to tell her but as his friend, I feel it is not my place as all I know of him is confidential and I cannot betray his trust.

My husband and I think that he will string her along for at least another few years until something significant happens. Or he will marry her under pressure and continue to cheat before and after kids. This poor lass although right for him 10 years ago, is not now.

I'm not saying at all that your partner is like my friend as such but it's his lack of commitment after so long which really bothers me.

If he really, truly loved you he would not hesitate ( not for a second) to at least get engaged.

Actions speak louder than words and his actions point to him not wanting what you want for a long time to come.

Please think very carefully about staying with him hoping he will change. He will not.

Take control of what YOU want for YOUR future. Your life is not for rent, unlike my poor acquiantance who is becoming possessive and desperate.

Good luck. x :)

My feeling is he doesn't want to marry you or settle down, because the usual timing in early thirties is- mess about in twenties, realise time is passing, find someone amazing in early mid thirties, can't believe your luck, rush things a bit, move in together quickly and all (downhill) to a wedding/ttc within a year or two.

If 6 of your mutual friends are getting married, then this is the norm in your social group, and he's actively resisting this (not being passive at all).

If he knows what children are like, and knows you are 34 so would be minimum 35 on having a first child, and doesn't think he necessarily wants children, he's telling you very directly he doesn't.

I would do two things- one get a copy of He's Just Not That Into You and cringe with recognition that the excuses he has for not wanting to get married or have children, because they are unoriginal - this worked for a friend of mine who was always dating men who wouldn't commit- once she spotted the flakiness, she could see it for what it was. The second thing, suggested by others is to set an internal deadline in your own head, don't pester him or issue ultimatums or sit him down and discuss it (you've discussed it already and look where it got you, nowhere). Just set the head deadline and proceed about your business, be busy, see friends, have fun, but once it's up, if you still want marriage and children, then sadly get out.

He will either realise he's losing the best thing that ever happened to him and start to think about how he could be with you and build a life together, including a family, or he won't, in which case you know where you stand.

I can understand him wanting to wait a bit as you have not been living together that long. A year and a half is still early days. I completely understand why you want to move things along. Having children was always a top priority for me.

I also agree with expat that the people I know who didn't want children in the main decided this pretty early on and went out and found partners who also didn't want children, hence they tend to have pretty happy lives as it was their mutual decision to live a childfree life and make the most of all that has to offer (which is a lot if you have a nice lifestyle and a good double income).

I do know people who have been a bit more ambivalent about having children or weren't that fussed initially- but in these cases, they did go on to have children to make their partner happy/didn't feel so strongly against it and in the main they love having children.

I think if this guy is taking children partially off the table in your mid-thirties this is extremely significant.

He's clearly not worried about losing you either, with all his waffly ambivalent non-commitment general airy talk and 101 reasons why he couldn't possibly get married in the next few months or year.

Disagree with those saying you don't want a man whose hand has had to be forced. Your partner, like many many, is in fairyland, clearly not clocking what this means to you, if you force it he will have to face up to things and, I hope, realise it's you he wants and he'll have to give you what he wants to keep you. I've seen it happen so many times and work out very well. Of course if you force him and he's still resolute, then you know your answer. I feel for you, it's a horrible situation to be in, but it's not going to improve until you act forcefully.

'If he really, truly loved you he would not hesitate ( not for a second) to at least get engaged.'

See, I disagree with this. I wouldn't want someone to marry me because that's what I wanted.

And there is nothing wrong with either not wanted to marry and have kids right now or never.

What is important is honesty.

And he has been honest with you, OP, he's not ready and you are. That's a 'no' from him, much as you don't want to see it.

Carry this is pretty much the first thread where I agree wholeheartedly with scottishmummy. We can't both be wrong

You are hearing some stern words here, but only because I think most of us have seen a friend lose the best years of her fertility to someone who was coming out with all the same lines as your DP.

I wouldn't give too much credence to what your friends are saying. If your circle are in the 'wedding zone' then everyone has a vested interest in all the couples staying together. No-one wants their wedding to be buggered up because someone has just split up and refuses to sit with their Ex - or raise the thorny question of bringing a new girlfriend/boyfriend.

It is absolutely possible to have fantastic rapport/sex/intellectual connection with someone and still not be in the same place about building a life together. Absolutely possible.

Sorry OP, but it's clear and simple:
If you want commitment from this guy(with or without children) you need an ULTIMATUM for a wedding day. Financially it will never be the right time, work-wise there will always be something happening. This is not a good excuse.

If you definitely want children, you need the first ULTIMATUM plus a second one about when you want to start TTC. Your age is against you.

His jumping on the band wagon comment is worrying. You 'can't' have (a proposal or) marriage this year or so because so many friends are and you can't jump on the band wagon.

If/when you do get past this then all of the people getting married will be on the having first/second kid band wagon. So you 'can't' have a kid just now because you can't jump on the band wagon just like everyone else.

By my estimate that is going to push you another 3 maybe more years down the road before some of his reasons disappear.

In the meantime you will be saving for holidays and so still stuck in the same too small house for kids and so will then have to start saving for a new house/extension etc.

I think giving yourself a mental deadline until the end of the year is a good idea. But...

Please don't settle when you get there for an engagement with a view to 'marriage and kids in a few more years'.

Good luck with whatever you do.

Your partner, like many many, is in fairyland
Yep, that's what many people who know him well say!

I just think that when you know you know....and you both know.
And this is exactly what he's always said about knowing I'm the woman for him.
Which is why I can't get my head around his reticence to walk down the aisle. I'm certain it's not because I'm his "I'll do for now". If it was, that would be easy to get my head around and I'd walk away.

FWIW, I received 3 serious marriage proposals in my twenties (I turned 3 down) The bond I had with those partners is nothing compared to what I have with DP. I do feel I wish to set apart what we have from what went before by cementing it with marriage. DP, on the other hand hadn't really had a serious relationship before me, so has nothing to compare it to, so marriage has never been on the agenda in a relationship for him before.

I would do the opposite. You've made your feelings clear, you want to marry, he said it was on your radar. I would say nothing else about marriage whatsoever, and go to all these weddings looking great, having fun, with him and see what happens. If attending 6 weddings doesn't put him in the mood to marry you, nothing will. If he attends them looking shifty, making excuses, generally disparaging the whole thing, that tells you all you need to know. You will know by the end of the summer what is happening for sure.

He is only in fairyland if he is wilfully ignoring what you are saying to him!

tallesttower absolutely.

I meant the opposite of giving him an ultimatum. I would say nothing whatsoever now. He knows the score. I would create some uncertainty about how you feel. If anyone asks at the weddings 'might you be next', don't blush and look at him for his answer, say 'well, let's see, who know what will happen'? You have given him all the cards and I'm sorry, I know it's not a game exactly, but frank chatting hasn't given you what you want, sometimes the prospect of losing someone is enough to make them push through their fears.

Also, you have included another excuse in your last post, he's never had a serious relationship before you so he doesn't know how good he's got it. This just untrue, I have several friends who didn't have much of a relationship history, but on hitting the right person in their thirties, settled down very quickly. I include myself in this.