DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

OP - I can't help noticing that you're spending the summer with 'at least 6 weddings of friends' to go to. That suggests that the marriage scenario has become the norm in your circle.

But your DP still hasn't popped the question.

I know two women this happened to - one finally married after seven years' waiting (it wasn't Kate Middleton), ensuring three further years of phenomenally expensive fertility treatment, and the other one got dumped in the delivery room when she went ahead and had a baby without the wedding.

For things to change, you are the one to bring the matter to a head. Set a private deadline of 6 months. Work out if you want him warts'n'all, or if you can't face spending your life with a man who you suspect doesn't love you as much as you love him. It is possible, though difficult, to meet a decent man in your late 30s.

There's no way out of this one - you need to move on it.

ex-pat, fair enough, I get that, all I was trying to convey was that it's not all that great having an older mum, you spend less time with them in the long run, that's my own personal experience.

The OP clearly wants to start a family asap so my remark is worth considering too.

I got married at 35, had my first child at 36. All my friends of that age who were waiting for their husbands or partners to propose/have children are still waiting, but time has run out they are in their mid forties and childless. I did advise one particular friend to cut and run and that he would never "be ready", he never was, she doesn't want to see me as she doesn't like being with couples that have children as it hurts too much.

CarryOn what would your DP say to you just suggesting you come off the pill and see what happens? Do you think, if you did conceive quickly, that he would freak out? Or would he just accept it and be happy?

I think if we had a happy accident he'd be fine with it once he got used to the idea, but actively saying: 'let's go for it now' would unsettle him.

There's no way I intend to "accidentally on purpose" get pregnant either. (I'm not on the pill as it disagrees with me and we're using condoms ). If it's not something he wants as much as I do, there will be problems later down the line.

In my previous relationship with ex fiancé we stopped using protection and I got pregnant almost immediately (I was 31). Three months down the line he freaked out about it and left even though he was insistent it was what he wanted at the time. I subsequently had a miscarriage.

In my previous relationship with ex fiancé we stopped using protection and I got pregnant almost immediately (I was 31). Three months down the line he freaked out about it and left even though he was insistent it was what he wanted at the time. I subsequently had a miscarriage.

Poor you, OP . I think that explains a lot about your attitude to the current situation. I reiterate, I think some kind of ultimatum is in order, perhaps not today if the car's been stolen but there will always be sick relatives/problems

OP - I can't help noticing that you're spending the summer with 'at least 6 weddings of friends' to go to. That suggests that the marriage scenario has become the norm in your circle. But your DP still hasn't popped the question.

Yes, first up is the wedding of the friend I mentioned further up the thread where she told her DP exactly when and where she wanted him to propose to her. After that it seemed a lot of our friends who'd had long engagements suddenly decided to start planning their weddings too (some in quite a scary bridezilla way) and and DP was like: 'oh god, they're all jumping on the bandwagon' and made it quite clear that's not what he felt marriage was about and he wanted to distance his future proposal / our wedding from the hysteria surrounding their weddings.

The way to distance yourselves from it would be to quietly slip away and marry- not to wait for another couple of years or until the furore had died down.

Oh expat I am so sorry. My (young adult) son was recently diagnosed with MS and initially I was devastated and even wandering briefly in my mind into that scenario of possibly outliving him was unbearable. I have since 'had a word' with myself that at least I still have him and there is hope in medical science/miracles etc of him having a reasonable or even good future.

But sad though losing a parent is at any age and not to underestimate the effect and grief on a child losing their parent , I don't think that should come into the equation much these days when 'leaving it late' to have children. Even people who have DCs in their forties in todays times can with few exceptions fully expect to see their children grow up.

"he wanted to distance his future proposal / our wedding from the hysteria surrounding their weddings."

That's such a lame excuse. It's just another thing to blame a delay on.

Another one who has been there...sat the bf down when we were about 28 and said, I'd really like to start a family at 30. I wasn't fussed about marriage, but I was about parenthood, and I'd never made a secret of it. Lots of our friends were getting married at that stage, no-one was having kids yet...and he was violently anti-marriage, and as it turned out, anti-kids.

To give him credit, I do think he wanted to make me happy and for us to stay together, so he tried to get his head round the idea for the next 2 years, but just couldn't do it, and finished with me just after we turned 30. Do I wish he'd finished with me sooner? Would it have made a difference? I like to think he was genuinely trying to work out a way of making it work for both of us in that time, but looking back I guess I shouldn't have been so innocent and trusting as to think he'd just fall into line with what I wanted.

I was lucky - I met DH a couple of years later, conceived DD at 34. Now aged 37 I'm having a MC and wonder whether we'll be able to have a second child at all. Already worrying that I'll leave relatively young children alone in the world because I'm an older parent, so perhaps I shouldn't even think of trying to have another now that I've had this MC.

Yes, of course I would have had children sooner if I'd met DH sooner. Having the perfect wedding first or perfect home wasn't the priority for me - or getting to a certain place in my career. But I realise it's just not that easy - if the other person isn't with you, it's the hardest place in the world to be.

The way to distance yourselves from it would be to quietly slip away and marry- not to wait for another couple of years or until the furore had died down.

I quite agree and would quite happily elope. However, he was 5 siblings including an identical twin, plus all their partners, their kids, his parents etc, who he is adamant he won't get married without. I just have my parents (only child) although I have many great friends who are as close to me as siblings, so where would you draw the line?

*he has

DP was like: 'oh god, they're all jumping on the bandwagon' and made it quite clear that's not what he felt marriage was about and he wanted to distance his future proposal / our wedding from the hysteria surrounding their weddings.

He has done quite a number on you, hasn't he? He has managed to convince you that his reluctance and excuses somehow place him a cut above the norm, because who could be so crass as to do something at the same stage in life as everyone else?

I wish you could see this from the outside OP. The kind of man he is, is just screaming out from the snippets of things he has said.

As I said- a verrrrrry small step from "free spirit" to "git".

I can tell you one thing having an older parent is no fun, I lost my mum when I was only 39.

Jan45 I lost my mum when I was 27. She had me when she was 24! So even though your mum was older than mine when she had you, you had more time with her than I did with mine.

I'm not trying to start a pissing contest but I'm just not sure what point you're trying to make other than to make older mothers feel bad/guilty.

OP would presumably have gotten pregnant yesterday if it was possible.

OP - his putting off of the conversation is untenable now. You can't afford to give it another three years. Unpleasant as it is for both of you, your fertility requires the issue to be forced. And you need to resolve it one way or the other.

I also don't understand how someone can 100% want to marry someone but not want to propose yet. Surely both those sentiments are in direct contradiction?

As regards waiting for the Big Proposal; it sounds like waiting for that is just going to waste more of your time.

Why can't you just have a grown up conversation with him about it on a level? You're an equal partnership no? Why is the subject of getting married such a taboo?

I know posters can only go on the impression they get from my posts, but I can assure you, he's not a git and I'm not in denial about that.

Over the past three years I've become very close friends with DPs female friends, who have known him over a decade. They all have extremely high opinions of his integrity and their consensus is we're perfect for each other, they've never seen him so happy with anyone. They're well aware I'd like our relationship to move forward and they seem to think any reticence on his part is because he's never lived with anyone before, let alone got to the stage of talking about marriage, and was so used to being single (as in completely single, not playing the field) that it's taking him a while longer than me to get his head around things.

You may be compatible,but You both want different thing,evidenced by his avoidance
he's not want to marry you or have kids with you,he's happy to Chunter along
If you want kids and married you'll need to be with someone else,or forgo these things to stay with him

'However, he was 5 siblings including an identical twin, plus all their partners, their kids, his parents etc, who he is adamant he won't get married without.'

Of course. And you'll need to save and plan for this, naturally, after the holiday. But you can't discuss it now, because everyone's jumping on the bandwagon, the car's been stolen, relatives are ill, etc etc etc.

Then there is the wait for The Big Proposal.

Ever heard that Johnny Cash and June Carter song, 'Time's a Wastin'?

Except that's a song, and this is your life with declining fertility.

For every 'I got pregnant when I was 45 by looking at my husband naked' there is another 1 or more who left it and cannot now conceive.

Your ship sails sooner than his, regardless of if you are on it or not.

He's perfectly entitled to not want to marry,or be a dad.its not the only culmination of a relationship
I see no further point hinting,or trying to hector him into marriage,hes not want to
And I'd ignore any ultimatum advice you receive in rl or mn.marry someone who wants you,not who's hand you forced

He's 34, Carry, not 24.

Bet some of them are those getting married.

You are not.

'And I'd ignore any ultimatum advice you receive in rl or mn.marry someone who wants you,not who's hand you forced'

Exactly.

Read the signals,he's not want to get married or have family,he's avoiding
He's told you it in a round about way with lame excuses,and I think you know it deep down
So you stay,knowing this.or you move onto another relationship.make an informed choice

In fairness,he's being reasonably straight with you by saying no kids,no marriage
You're not hearing it,you think a guid woman's love will sort him oot.it won't
I'd not want to have children with someone who was so ambivalent.why do you?

Saying that, whoosh, DH and I married when he was 24. And he was the one who got things moving. I told him I was not interested in relationships that went nowhere, wanted marriage and kids and not 'some day'. He was the one who was proactive about 'let's do it!'

We eloped and had DD1 a year later.

"However, he was 5 siblings including an identical twin, plus all their partners, their kids, his parents etc, who he is adamant he won't get married without".

And by this time another 3-4 years will have sailed by without you wanting to notice.

"They're well aware I'd like our relationship to move forward and they seem to think any reticence on his part is because he's never lived with anyone before, let alone got to the stage of talking about marriage, and was so used to being single (as in completely single, not playing the field) that it's taking him a while longer than me to get his head around things."

His friends may well be wrong; sometimes it does take people who have no direct connection to the situation see things that others (they have a vested interest and are biased anyway in his favour as they are his friends) do not see. I do not think he is that enough into you or committed enough to actually want to marry you; he would move heaven and earth otherwise to do so without putting up weak obstacles. He is happy as things are and does not want to willingly alter anything in the short term and quite probably the long term as well.

Why does he have so much power in this relationship also?. Why have you given so much power to him?.