DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Cross post with Ali - yet another thread where OP latches onto the one post which tells her what she wants to hear...

lurico yes of course marriage means all of those things you have posted.

I actually think it's ironic that someone would feel the need to point that out to a 35 year old woman (or women if you include myself and OP and any others in the same situation) who has been through the mill, and yet thousands of 20-somethings get married in full on traditional romantic wedding gubbins and no one feels the need to point out to them the realities of marriage.

I think the desire to wait for a nice proposal is purely because you know you'll get married one day, you might as well make the engagement fun and special. Ah I don't know, I may be totally wrong here, since I too am waiting for that special moment.

Carryon when did your mum go through menopause? You are likely to do so at a similar age, and your fertility declines massively about 10 years earlier. Have you had any tests of your fertility at this point?
Sure, some women conceive and have healthy pregnancies into their forties, but you don't know if you are one of them. It might help give you a handle on whether you actually have reasonable prospects of having a child in a few years if you can agree a timescale with DP or whether your chances are already receding and it's now or never.

nutty so are you now TTC? I can't decipher that from your posts.

I will admit that I am spectacularly unromantic . I was the 6 year old at school looking at my school mates drawing endless pictures of brides in white frilly dresses in front of churches thinking "why?"

I wouldn't have posted on here if I didn't want a range of opinions.

Some of them don't resonate with me while others do, but not because I only want to hear the positives and gloss over the negatives.

I'm sorry that I haven't been able to respond to each and every post, it doesn't mean I'm not giving them consideration.

"Honestly, it broke my heart losing my mum, she was 43 when she had me and my twin."

jam- I don't get this- would it have broken your heart any less if you had been older?

Baking my mum went through the menopause when she was in her early fifties.

She conceived me in her early thirties within a fortnight of coming off the pill.

I'm 99% sure that 'breach of promise to marry' was abolished as an action. Not my field.

yet another thread where OP latches onto the one post which tells her what she wants to hear.

The thing is lurcio these threads are always full of lots of different opinions. So the OP is going to answer the ones which resonate with her most. She can't agree with all of them because not all of them will apply to her.

Agreed with Baking - good idea to start being pro-active about your own fertility. And make sure you tell DP that this is what you're doing, so he knows you're serious about it.

Matorana: what don't you get, I'd have had more time with my mum no?

Alibaba nutty so are you now TTC? I can't decipher that from your posts.

Yes I am - "He had a vasectomy reversal a year ago, and we are now ttc just like any other normal couple."

nutty are you now TTC?

x-posts, sorry I hadn't picked it out.

I do wish people would explain just what exactly is romantic about being given no say and the man making all the decisions for you...

Not sure people should be getting married or having children if they can't discuss marriage and children honestly and respectfully tbh... Anyone who agrees to a marriage they don't want simply because another person asked them is quite immature and irresponsible.

Jan I'm really sorry that you lost your mum, and I understand that this inevitably happened sooner for you because she had you when she was older.

This doesn't really help someone who is 35 and wanting to ttc as soon as possible. She knows that even if she conceives tomorrow, she will be an older mum. And if her DP drags his heels that risk will only be greater.

Your point is very valid to someone who is 25 and thinking of putting off ttc for another 10 years - and believe me, if I could have met my 25 year old self I'd be telling myself to just get on with it. But it's quite hurtful to those of us who are older and still ttc to drive home the message that if they do conceive, they are likely to die before their children get too old.

What's romantic about somebody saying "yes, I 100% want to marry you- but I haven't decided when to propose yet. You just carry on and wait til I'm ready" ?

CarryOn what would your DP say to you just suggesting you come off the pill and see what happens?

Do you think, if you did conceive quickly, that he would freak out? Or would he just accept it and be happy?

I find it difficult to understand how waiting for a proposal is romantic.

When my ex eventually proposed, yes, it was a superficially romantic moment but I am not sure it made up for all the waiting about, feeling insecure, watching everyone around us who had been together for less time get hitched while we just treaded water etc etc etc. Any true romance had already be botched a bit because he made me wait so long.

Now ok, my perspective is skewed because we then split up, but how exactly is waiting for some guy to make his mind up romantic?

I find his attitude towards marriage very strange. As you have said, you wouldn't have the big expensive wedding. You already live together and are planning to spend the rest of your lives together. So getting married actually isn't a big deal at all. It changes nothing. So why not just do it? My concern is his reluctance or delay could mean he is not entirely on the same page as you.

As for the kids thing- you are still young enough not to panic. But again- there are plenty of reasons to do it earlier rather than later so why not just do it?

Gees, jan, I had a baby at 37. Couldn't help it, didn't marry DH till was 31, had DD1 at 32, DD2 at nearly 35 and then MC until being able to have DS.

That's how it works out for some people.

I doubt people plan on it most of the time.

I wish the natural order had prevailed, and I had died before DD1. No parent should outlive their children.

I was in this situation 5yrs ago, when I was 29 including the ridiculously stubborn not wanting to be "pushed" into a proposal, that we'd agreed on 2yrs before and then I read He's Just Not That Into You. Well that was food for thought.

Over the next 6 months I lost all respect for him. I realised I didn't want to marry a man who didn't have the courage to make decisions. And I hadn't just been sitting quietly waiting - he knew what I wanted but didn't seem able to make the move forward. Gradually all my love for him turned to shit and somehow we ended up going to Relate. But really I was ready to pack it in. After a couple of sessions and just before we left for holiday it came up in counselling and I said I'd lost all hope and didn't even want it anymore. He blurted out that he'd planned a big proposal on holiday and I laughed. With stupified rage that he could be so stupid as to wait until I was halfway out the door. He thought I'd be pleased and I had to tell him not to ask because the answer would be no. He was devastated and I was so angry that he'd ruined everything. Thank god we were already going to counselling and didn't have to wait!

We talked it all out and I gradually realised that he hadn't meant to hurt me and he realised how much he had. And about 3 months later I said maybe we could get back on track, he said I should find a ring. It took me six months to decide on one. He bought it and he proposed very romantically on bended knee on a day we'd planned together and we were blissfully happy. We got married within the year and he is so happy to be married. He loves it, says we are a proper team. Only small fly in the ointment now is that he's desperate for kids whilst I've realised I don't want any.

I've agreed to try later this year because I won't divorce him and I won't deny him what he wants most in life.

I suppose that is a very very long way of saying, do not kick the can down the road, bring things to a head and find out whether he really wants to be with you. The way I did it was very long and painful and I wouldn't recommend it.

By the way I have a friend who also had the same thing and admits to bullying her dp into proposing and they are extremely happy. And one last thing, sorry! The fact that I stood up for myself and had the self respect to not hang around waiting forever gave him more respect for me and knocked a lot of his traditional bullshit ideas for six.

Read back my post and feel I should say that I love my DH very much. But I still get angry thinking ahout what we went through. So much unecessary misery!!

Be careful OP, do pick up sense of stringing you along. If you were younger you could give it time. Men generally know about women's fertility and if he isn't sure about your long term relationship or whether he wants DC he's being selfish to dither like this.

Have you had any fertility checks? Not too expensive privately.

One scenario is that you choose him over prospect of DC (with another man or sperm donation) but later split up and he has DC with someone else and you can't have bio DC.

Nutty: oh sorry I must ensure my posts are relevant, to you!

My mum was 43 when she gave birth to me and my sister so it IS relevant to the OP at 35, why you feel the need to pull me up on this is beyond me, thanks for the sympathy.