DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Delighted for you dreaming

At least it is all out in the open now xxxx

That sounds like progress, OP. Well done for getting it out there.

Hopefully, he gets it and you'll be TTC within the year.

Scottishmummy

Rest assured the talk is to be continued until these things are decided!

We got to the point last night where we were both so physically and mentally exhausted we needed to go to bed.

You've got a sparkly ring.you're engaged.congratulations
You're no further forward on kids,you're not ttc.thats not resolved
I don't understand adults who cohabit getting engaged,just get married surely?

I had to give my DH an ultimatum. Nicely, but an ultimatum nonetheless.

Try to spend a day with a family with a child over the age of 1yr. Anything younger is difficult for many men to relate to I think. Sit him down and show him the stats on your mutual declining fertility and risk of children with health issues; along with the average stats on time to get pregnant. Then point out how old you will both already be when your kids go to university.

Tell him when you want to TTC and a period of time to mull it over in his head and come back to you as to whether or not he wants to as well. Tell him that depending on his answer you will consider your options. Up to you on whether it means the end or not. No point in saying your bags will be packed if you won't - you need to think about this seriously.

If he wants a biggish wedding, you'll need to crack on with it because it will be way down the financial priority list when you have kids in a small house.

We've gotten married and had two children in 5 yrs. I'm almost 40. Frankly while they are wonderful and there are many advantages to being an older parent, it's knackering and we both wish we'd gotten married when we first met in our late 20's and cracked on with it. Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Genuinely,it's great to talk.keep that impetus.Don't get lost in that froth of wedding planning
Crack on ttc.now,get on with it.if you're not ttc in next few months I'd be asking why
And if you need money for baby and/or extension keep wedding moderate

Do discuss nursery,working ft or pt,your preferences and absolutes regards kids

To be fair if this conversation only happened last night, it would be quick off the mark to be discussing venues!
I think the fact that he has actually bought a ring, does show commitment on his part.
However you need to have the children issue sorted before you say yes to any proposal.

So you are engaged? Excellent! When's the wedding?

OP the one thing that I've read from your posts is that all the decisions are being made by your DP and he doesn't seem in the least bit bothered about your feelings. Does he really know how important this is to you?

He's saying it's more important that his family get to spend one day at your may never happen wedding than you getting the chance to have children.

It's more important that the fleeting thought doesn't cross your friends minds that the pair of you are jumping on the wedding bandwagon than you getting the chance to have children

It's more important that you go on a holiday than you get the chance to have children

It's more important that he doesn't feel a flicker of pressure at having to start saving for an extension than you getting to have the chance to have children

It all seems to be about him. He's getting exactly what he wants and isn't compromising on anything. He doesn't have to feel under any pressure so you have to cope with the heartache and uncertainty that ensues. How kind of him to heap all that on you. He's meant to care about you more than anyone else but is putting you last and wasting your precious time.

By making you wait for an undetermined length of time (if ever) to start TTC he's pretty much stopping your chances of ever having children. But he's not having to make that decision for himself because he has years ahead of him in which to find someone else and have children with them. He's making that decision just for you.

I'm 35, I've been with my DP for 4 years and we've been TTC for about 7 months. I wish we'd started 2 years ago, we just meandered along and I went with the flow because I didn't want to seem pushy. But as soon as I started getting anxious about my biological clock my DP suggested we TTC straight away.

You're giving your DP an awful lot of power over your future. I'm also often told I'm "too nice" and I hate confrontation but some things are worth making a fuss over and you need to pick your battles. This isn't a disagreement about what car you get or where you go to dinner, it's about potentially the most important thing that will happen in your life.

I hope it all works out for you x

Yes, sounds like progress. Well done. Must have been difficult!

Yes I do agree, if children are what you want don't get swept up in 2 years of wedding planning and then realise you are 38 and still not trying for a baby.

I really really hope that he isn't fobbing you off. Best of luck.

ranted too soon - glad to hear you're making progress! Good luck with it all

He's still stalling about baby,you're not ttc
You've not set date to ttc
Be mindful of this

I'll give you my life story. I met Dh when I was 22 and he was 21. We were brutally honest about what we wanted from day 1, marriage and children.

We got engaged after 15 months and married 3 years into the relationship. Having the life of riley, until I had an allergic reaction to the pill I had been taking for 4 years.

Long story short I had always had very painful periods. I get diagnosed with endometriosis at 27. I underwent some horrific meds then a fake menopause for 6 months hoping to clear my system (same meds given to IVF patients who endure it for 2 months for egg collection) didn't work so I had a laser laparoscopy and dye where they flush your fallopian tubes with dye to see if they are blocked.

I have copies of the letters sent from my consultant to my GP so this isn't memory this is fact but my consultant was blunt after the surgery. My insides were a big old mess of scar tissue. They didn't even know if one of my ovaries was working. The doctors had done all they could and I was booked to see him again in 3 months time.

I went back, my endometriosis had returned with avengeance and he looked at me and said, if you want a baby, do it now. This minute. The alternative is IVF and you have just gone through that without the egg collection. Do you want a baby? Me and Dh dumbstruck, errr yes. Then what are you waiting for. I was 28.

We came home, discussed it, we had planned to wait until I was 31 ish, our life was great, we knew a baby would massively change all our plans for the next few years. But we wanted children. This was it. Time to step up, make that decision, which was terrifying despite knowing it was what we both wanted. Fortunately for me I fell pregnant almost immediately but the consultant was shocked how the hell I had managed it.

OP, I honestly think you are in denial. If he has already made the decision that he will marry you where is that ring?

The whole romantic proposal thing is a load of shit. I had a boring, dull proposal. I have been married 15 years. Would it matter? And the whole we must have everyone at the wedding is just another way of again, keeping you waiting. Thinking if you just did X or Y he would propose in a heartbeat.

We have a male mate who told us that his girlfriend was just a place holder until something better came along. But to hear it from her, yes they planned to marry just not yet. 8 years they were together. But she didn't have the guts to lay it out and say, when, give me a bloody date.

Oops - big cross post. Huge congrats on the engagement and the sparkly ring. He sounds lovely. While you are both in this communicative mood, I'd push ahead with the TTC conversation.

Personally I think your experience is extremely common. Most of my friends when I was in my early 30's were exactly the same. The decade in which we needed to grow up and do the family thing yawning ahead of us like an infinite period of time. Someone has to start - within 3 yrs, all your friends will be in the same boat and you'll be surrounded by friends with kids.

OP, I honestly think you are in denial. If he has already made the decision that he will marry you where is that ring?

He gave it to me last night.

Be careful - been there, done that!

My amazing, wonderful, best friend fiance - was with him for the best part of nearly 10 years. Fantastic guy. Sadly, also a workaholic.

He also had many many excuses as to why now was not a good time to get married/have babies etc etc. All very valid. All very believable.

He did propose - basically to keep me quiet for a few more years..DO NOT FALL INTO THAT TRAP!!

Finally, by 32, I gave up. It was heartbreaking to leave someone who was pretty much 100% perfect. But I knew, deep down, that the whole family/kids thing was not going to happen - well, not in the way that I envisaged it.

Fast forward to three years ago - I met my now incredible husband. We were met/married within 18 months, and we now have one child and another on the way. Could not be happier.

Best bit? Ex Fiance is still one of my best friends. I truly do have the best of both worlds. He's great friends with my husband. Yes, I know I'm very very lucky (no jealously on anyone's side either)

If a man wants to marry you, and have kids, he will. Simple as that. If you've having to push conversations, second guess things etc, he's not that sure. You could probably back him into a corner, but it won't end prettily!!

Please - look at the bigger picture. He might be amazing - but not amazing for you, and what you want/need.

Lots of luck in any case!

Don't faff about with big wedding,ESP as you cohabit.use money fur extension
Have you discussed the practicalities of baby,will you work ft/pt,use nursery
Great you two had such candid discussion.

Why are you getting engaged?why not just proceed to married?
I don't see point in cohabiting adults getting engaged,you already live as couple
Just be clear,keep the momentum,dont get distracted by marriage.do ttc

I think that's great news, OP, very promising. Congratulations and well done for biting the bullet and having the conversation, it sounds to me as if things have moved on considerably.

I think the whole mismatched futures thing depends on why he 'doesn't feel ready'. My DH took some persuading to have one DC, and then more to have no.2. He loves our DS so much though, and is a fantastic dad. He just had to believe that he wasn't his own father, and that he would not make those mistakes with his own children.

I have found this thread fascinating. I met my DH on holiday, we clicked straight away, we got engaged the day we came home, married the next year and agreed we would wait until we had our forever house before we had children. We ended up waiting 7 years for that but everything happened bang on the time we had planned. I find all this angst about the normal aspects of life very difficult to comprehend.

I would also say that although it is seldom commented on, here or elsewhere, the joy of adult children is wonderful. OP, look ahead 25 years and imagine your grown up son taking you out to lunch, suggesting music you might like etc etc.

Christ. MN.

Congrats OP! I think your partner sounds like a great bloke. People are complicated - men too. He clearly loves you and the engagement is a meaningful gesture of commitment. But you still haven't decided about kids, have you? I would echo previous advice to spend time with friends who have children, and to talk afterward about if this is for you, and how it might fit around your lives. In detail. Not just where the baby's room will be, but if he can dial back work for 6 months after it's born. If you would take maternity leave and for how long. How he feels about these concrete changes will tell both of you a lot more than the nebulous idea of 'having a child'.

Excellent op:)

When's the wedding? Not in couple of years maybe and then ttc I hope.

Congratulations!

Hi Op.

I stopped reading on page 14, but here is what i think:

like most other people here, I agree that you need to make a choice between staying with him and risking NOT having children and leaving him and finding someone else to have children with - or using sperm donor. Why not?

You are reminding me of my sister, who kept saying that she didn't want kids "now", only in a few years and, having left to TTC at 37/38, she found out things are not so simple, despite the news on newspapers or TV that 45+ women can conceive. After rounds of IVF and no baby, she regrets her decision, because at 41 it's not like your eggs are getting any younger. Like someone else said, the vast minority of women experience a huge decline in fertility after around 35 and I would suggest you don't bet on the slim possibility of you being one of the lucky ones that can conceive easily past age 40.

Good luck to you.