DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

I've missed the middle few pages of this thread, so if this has already been said, apologies - but I do wonder why the 'D'P isn't the one saying to OP 'look, I'm really not sure whether I want children at all, but I appreciate that's not fair on you - I'll understand if this is a deal breaker and breaks us up to free you up to find someone who does.' That's what he'd do if he really, unselfishly loved you, OP - he'd put your wishes at least on a par with, if not above, his. I'm not hearing that at all, here.

He may well have got excited at meeting someone he felt seriously about at the start and expected he may find he wants further commitments like marriage/children but 3 years down the line that has not happened so I think it is unlikely to. He is just a person who doesn't want those things.

I agree Scottish Mum that my situation was different. I think what I was trying to say is that I get where she's coming from. I married a man with, as you rightly point out, a wooly agreement about future children. I knew I was taking a risk, but that was acceptable to me as not being with him was unacceptable. These decisions are terribly hard, and all the OP can do is talk honestly and openly with her partner (which I think they have both been doing) and then decide if the risk of a childless future with him is better or worse than the certainty of leaving to try and find someone else. Unfortunately her age means that delaying this decision much longer increases the risk of a childless future with either him or someone else. A very difficult choice.

You had woolly agreement though... She has a woolly assertion that he won't want kids/marriage.

It never ceases to amaze me how MNetters think they can assess what a bloke wants out of his entire life by reading a couple of paragraphs written by his other half. By all means share your own experiences and your take on the facts you have been given, but telling OP that her DP doesn't want marriage and kids is just nonsense, you just can't and don't know that. My DH had not had another serious relationship before he met me - that didn't mean he wasn't ready to settle down with the right person. We are all different you know - even the male of the species - you can't sum people and their relationships up in a couple of ill thought out comments.

Haven't read the whole thread but I am on the other side of the coin. DP is 33 me 28 and he is desperate for a baby. I am currently in the process of looking for somewhere else to live as I will just keep stalling him until I'm ready and I can't give a time-frame as to when that will be.

To be on the other side and have someone pressuring you is quite hard, but by the same merit he is stringing you along. My Mum said if you really want a child with someone you won't put obstacles in the way and things will just work themselves out so maybe that speaks volumes.

Sometimes even if you love someone but fundamentally want different things it's not enough.

Walkacrossthesand - I believe that is in effect what her partner is saying. If someone's plan isn't in sync with your own, then unless they are somewhat tyrannical, they must sensibly accept that you might choose to do something else.

The OPs partner doesn't have to spell this out in foolproof terms. The OP should be big enough to own the decision about whether she wants to hang around under the circumstances. The power is completely in her hands, and all the accusations of his supposed selfishness and the shaming references to him being a 'peter pan' etc. are utter nonsense. They are just an excuse to blame him for her not fully taking control of her own life and what she wants.

My xh had not had any relationship before me, he was very prepared for marriage kids although marriage failed. Difference was he wasn't actually saying "I don't want these things, maybe I will in a few years".

Life is all about timing. You need to meet the right person at the right time and both be in agreement about having kids before time runs out (usually for the woman).

OP, you're 35 already. The clock is ticking. He's not ready and doesn't know if he ever will be. I've only skim-read this thread, but the fact is you have a stark choice here and his choice isn't anywhere near as stark. You have far more to lose than he does - he can still father a child 10 years from now, whereas the chances are that you have about seven years to complete your family (everyone is different, but most women struggle to conceive after 42 - many before that).

Remember that doing nothing is an active choice as much as leaving is. Whatever you do, make active choices about your life. So many people waste valuable years of their lives drifting along passively, hoping that things will come good.

Well yes chunder but also realise that if he is really undecided she might be agreeing to her never having children and him leaving at the point he decides he does.

Op has chosen to passively acquiesce.she not under pressure to do so.
She cannot pin this on him later,she knows he's not want kids,she chooses him in preference
2014 no woman needs to pine and wait on a man choosing her path.she's solvent,she smart.she gas chose to ignore his explicit messages in behaviour and words

The fact is too that many a man or woman has put aside their reservations about having a DC because the person they love and want to spend their life with, does. Two of my best friends were in this very position. The DW really, really wanted DC. The DH was ambivalent, not sure, sitting on the fence. But when he understood how much having DC mattered to this woman he loved and had been with for years, he relented. They have two DDs now and he's a happy, family man. Would he have been happy as a married, childless man? Probably, but his DW would've been miserable and he loved her, so he acquiesced. I think if your DP isn't willing to take your strongly held desire for DC seriously then your relationship probably isn't as good as you think it is.

I fundamentally think,adults in relationship don't need it give in to please partner
There needs to be a mutual agreement.not a give in to stop her crying
In case of being ambivalent about kids,I'd say the adult not wanting child has more compelling case,as an unwanted or regretted child is catastrophic

He says he feels it's too important an issue to compromise on….

That is a very selfish thing for him to say. Does he really believe that him compromising, and starting to TTC a couple of years before he would ideally be ready for a baby, is worse than the possibility that you may NEVER be able to have children of your own because you have wasted your fertile years? What an incredibly self-centred viewpoint!

DH and I had been together 5 years before he proposed - but we were in our twenties so we had lots of time. He also needed a little encouragement to start TTC - I know he would have liked to leave it a year or two longer (we had DC1 when I was 31 and he was 30), but he knew how important it was to me.

I agree with previous posters that I don't like the word "ultimatum". It's not a question of saying "give me what I want or I'm leaving". It's more like "this is what I want from a relationship. If it's not the same as what you want, then I'm not sure I can see a future for us".

No.why should he compromise and have a child to fulfil her desire.thats dreadful
Women dint need to diet pine for the one man until eh ready.nor few a man have to give woman a baby
If they want different things they either split up,or stay together accepting mutual plan

He's not been self centred,if he's not want to be a father he shouldn't be a father
No woman is entitled to have baby with man she chose,it must be mutual
If not mutual,move on find another man,or stay accepting there'll be no kids

I agree - if he doesn't want kids that's not self centred.

What's self centred is not being prepared to compromise on timing if he does want them.

Bloody hell OP, read what you wrote again:

"He's just one of those people who has to do things his own way and if I said, for example that I wanted to get engaged on our anniversary / my birthday / Valentine's day, etc, even if that was the time he had in his mind, he'd probably not do it then because he'd want it to be spontaneous."

So if he wanted to do something, and he found out you wanted that exact same thing, he would change his mind and do something different, just so you didn't get what you wanted.

Please, PLEASE look at what you wrote.

This man does NOT want you to have what you want.

Update: when he came home last night we had a big talk about everything that's been on my mind. I hadn't intended to bring it up so soon, but it was obvious to him that something was wrong, so I just came out with it and we ended up talking until the early hours, I'll try and summarise.
I made it very clear to him that if he didn't want to marry me and have kids with me, he must tell me as I appreciated honesty above everything else.
He then went and produced an engagement ring - he said the reason why he'd been pushing for a holiday was because he wanted to give me a surprise proposal while we were away
He was very upset (crying) at the assertion that he was a 'Peter Pan' or emotionally abusive. It's the first time I've levelled either if these at him and I think he was genuinely horrified that his behaviour could be interpreted that way.
I said to him that I wanted to have his child - not anyone's child in general - and if he didn't want that with me he must tell me because I wouldn't be led in a merry dance. He said he was acutely aware that he was holding me back and if he was completely averse to the idea he would have told me so a long time ago, it's just not something he envisaged doing right now, but he realises it's not fair on me to keep me in limbo. I think I've finally got through to him that he needs to compromise on timescale and he agreed that we need to meet in the middle about when to start TTC. He even brought up the subject of the extension and saving accordingly.
We both acknowledged that we've barely made any time for each other of the past two months because of work and we've both agreed to make more of an effort to do things as a couple so that communication doesn't slip again. By the time we finished talking at 2am, I felt closer to him than I have in a long time.
I didn't tell him that I've posted about this on Mumsnet, but he is aware that I've been discussing it (with friends he assumes) and a lot of the advice I've been given here really helped me get my point across calmly and with clarity, so thank you so much everyone who took the time to post. x

What scottishmummy said.

This man doesn't want children, OP. Make your decisions accordingly.

He may change his mind at some later date. Or he may not. But you can only make plans based on the information you currently have, because unfortunately you can't make plans that cover every eventuality.

X post, sorry.

Engagement ring,yes.has date been set,are you looking at venue?if not it's vague
No firm decision on ttc.nor are you ttc,he still stalling on that I'm afraid
All that's changed is you're engaged,yiure not yet ttc as he's not committed

"It never ceases to amaze me how MNetters think they can assess what a bloke wants out of his entire life by reading a couple of paragraphs written by his other half"

People make judgements all the time about someone based on not very much information, and the OP is sensible enough to take how much information people have into account when reading the thread.

Also here people are making judgements about a person's view on a particular subject (not "what he wants out of his entire life") based on the person's own words about that subject, and combining that with their own experience of what those words usually mean in the context given. I don't think that's unreasonable.