DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

How many children does he envision having? Have you showed him the graph comparing the rates of miscarriage and conception for women's ages?

He needs to know that these things take time. I think it is probably sensible to allocate 5 years to having 2 children. Conception itself takes time and possible miscarriages and 2 children = nearly 2 years of being pregnant.

I think he has sent her enough mixed messages like offred said to give hope. It seems cowardly to me. It's obviously open to interpretation. I agree that dc don't in the first few years make relationships stronger but that's my experience, perhaps some people do feel more united and not just near constant tired bickering!

He's not trying to keep her at all costs.he said no kids,marriage.she's still there doe eyed
3years ago,he stalled.aye,no,mebbe.his most recent is a no.polite mc no
Not a straight unequivocal no A hugh grant bumbling no. amounts to same thing though

Very very tough one here OP. I don't share the majority view of your partner on this thread - if you tell us you're confident that he's very much in love with you, that's good enough for me. It took my husband a long time to propose. We've talked about it and the wait was because he sees marriage as a big deal, not to be taken lightly, and whilst he was never in doubt that I was the one for him, he was nervous of taking what felt a really big step. Not everyone finds making big changes in their life easy.

Neither of us were sure if we wanted children, but said if either decided definitely one way or the other, that's what we'd go with. 4 years into marriage, at 34, I decided absolutely that I wanted children. We talked a lot, he was very nervous, again because it's a massive change in your life, and we were so happy with what we had, did we really want to put that at risk. He was also completely unaware of the sharp decline in female fertility with age. Anyway, I'm now 35 and expecting our first child next week. He's still nervous about the big changes coming, but is very happy and looking forward to meeting and raising his daughter. So a happy ending here.

All you can do is talk and listen. He's saying I don't want children now, but I don't know what I'll want in the future. It's a perfectly reasonable (and common in my experience) position. The big question for you is can you accept taking the risk of a childless future? I thought about this too and the idea of either leaving or never having children was terrifying. I don't believe I could never have been happy with anyone else, but I very much do believe that finding someone else in your mid-late 30s with whom you can be utterly happy and start a family is not easy. At all. Best wishes to you.

I agree Scottish but I also think he is playing on this to get what he wants - her and no marriage/kids because he thinks if he is as direct about it as is necessary she may leave.

Congratulations when new baby arrive
Your situation us completely different from op,you both agreed a compromise and ttc

Looking at your comment Neither of us were sure if we wanted children, but said if either decided definitely one way or the other, that's what we'd go with That's quite woolly and imprecise. Fortunately you both agreed to ttc

In the case for op. He has said no kids,she's agreeing to it.so they're adhering to your one way if other scenario

You can't change what someone else thinks, feels or does, you can only change how you respond to that.

Coming after you've been clear about your fertility and about what you want, and having been together for 3 years, his comments about "not ruling it out" and "not ready yet" mean NO. Wishy washy cowardly ways of saying no, but no all the same.

Responding to that with just hanging around waiting isn't going to change that. If you want children you need to take action. If you leave him he might change his mind, or he might not. If he doesn't, you know you were right to leave and his wishy washy no was correct. If he respond to you leaving by realising he really does want a life and a family with you, no doubt he'll tell you so and you can get back together with him if you still want to.

You know doctors are now telling women to get pregnant as soon as they can, in their twenties if possible? Things are harder and more complicated the older you get.

More people need to know this - REALLY know this - then they might stop all the humming and hawing over massive life changes.

Doctors have always said that new... Optimum age is 22. Always has been.

Trouble is the way we live doesn't really facilitate having children at all nevermind having them while you are in your early 20s.

Absolutely. OP you really don't have time to hang around waiting.

I first got pregnant when I was 27. I am now 38 and have 2 children aged almost 7 and 4. And we had absolutely no fertility issues. Things often don't go completely smoothly when starting a family even when you don't add trouble conceiving into the mix.

Agreed, but they've had to reiterate it due to so many miscarriages in England and Wales in the past few years.

I agree that some men do have strange ideas about women's fertility. My husband's ex had a baby at age 47, so he now assumes that everyone woman can do that.

My ex husband had similarly skewed views - he assumed that because Madonna and Tony Blair's wife had babies in their mid-40s, that this was now the norm.

Hang on,a physical optimum isn't actually doctors advising women to gave baby at 20something

You know relationships aren't meant to be this hard? You know you're meant to have roughly the same goals, aspirations, outlook etc etc

Honestly, if you want a child, move on. He doesn't. If you want to marry, move on. He doesn't. At least he doesn't want those things with you.

Find someone who wants you, completely.

Scottish, I'm pretty sure the point made by drs is that if you have a choice in your life as to when to have a baby, i.e. if you are in a good relationship, financially ok in your 20s then just do it. Don't wait for a bigger house, more money etc. in your 30s.

My friend had her first at 38 and second at 40 with no difficulty but was aware of fertility issues and chose her life accordingly, had a lot of fun before settling down and feels very lucky to have her two girls but accepted consciously that it might not happen.

Fertility is different for everybody so it is worth having tests but it isn't all about fertility, but also about general health tbh.

Women in late teens early twenties on average have fewer health problems as well as being generally fitter for the strain of pg/labour as well as being more likely to have better quality eggs. All these things are variables though. If I was worried fertility testing and assessment of general fitness would reassure me either way.

I think in this case though if the op had fertility testing it would be because she was looking at whether she could afford to wait a little longer for him to decide. I think he has already decided and just isn't being direct.

When you both want same thing,it isn't angst or hard,no um-ohh.no tears
You both actively pursue same thing.its a myth that all men need cajoled to be dad
If a man is ready to be father,he'll proceed no faffing.this man isn't ready he's faffing

It is advising women to have babies in 20s because doctors are bothered about medical risks, not arsed about the marriage/social/financial bollocks.

Completely agree men don't need to be cajoled. Sexist bollocks about men being irresponsible and children being women's things.

Of course it's not advice most doctors can follow themselves as in 20s one is newly qualified and in foundation year training

Indeed. Most people can't really follow it or feel they can't anyway.

My ma was panicking because of doing medicine freaked out at getting married at 29, pg on the honeymoon I was born at 30 she considers that late. She thinks she had my bro just in the nick of time at almost 37.

OP, I was you a few years ago. Had been with my DP for a number of years, no sign of a marriage proposal and we had both been fairly ambivalent about starting a family. Your DP sounds just like mine - we were and are best friends, he was a more wonderful man than I ever hoped I would meet. We always talked in terms of being together forever and maybe having kids, but he (we?!) never got around to doing anything about it. It wasn't because we wanted different things, or for any of the other reasons other people have given on this thread, it was just because he loved our life the way it was and his personality is such that if it ain't broke, he won't fix it. I think as he had never desperately wanted children, he was a bit scared that would change the dynamic of our situation. Anyway, sadly 7 years ago my Dad passed away quite unexpectedly and in his late 60's. He has never said this, but I think that made him realise life was too short and a couple of months later he proposed (our friends had been pestering him to do it for years and kept telling him he would lose me if he didn't - which want true!) as for kids, I was the same as you - not desperate but thought I would want them eventually and as my 30s crept on I became more and more anxious - but he just didn't get it. He saw loads of people having babies in their late 30s and thought that was just fine, whereas I had read the stats and felt uncomfortable with leaving it. Eventually I just got increasingly forceful with him and basically told him we needed to get on with it and in the end we came up with a plan to start ttc after another year of living the childless life! Without going into detail it then took a long time for me to conceive and I suffered one mmc BUT we are now married and have the most amazing 16 month old DD and we are happier than ever. He freely admits he was reluctant about kids but now realises it was the best thing we ever did - just took a bit of persuasion! I will be 40 this year. Don't lose faith. It sounds to me like he loves you very much and loves your current life, just like my DH did, so has no motivation to change (we were and are also both very career focused). Just keep talking to him, explaining your fears without nagging or pressuring him and ultimately you will probably need to have some difficult conversations where you really lay it on the line for him. We are all different and see our futures differently, but it doesn't mean you can't find a compromise you will both be very happy with. Don't give up on him just because your biological clock is ticking - I know the feeling but would have been mad to lose the one man who adored me. Good luck OP, I'm sure things will work out just fine.

What's decisive for me is that this is his first serious relationship in his thirties and he has been making noises about not being sure of commuting further than cohabitation all along and is described as a 'free spirit'. Don't think this man' scales include marriage and children. Don't think he wants that at all.