DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Jesus wept,it's like feminism never happened.when is it ok to fully acquiesce to male preference

Haven, t read all 14 pages!

He, s stalling. But you don, t have time to h hang about if you want children..

My DS, s dad I met when I was 36 - totally unexpected... We are no longer together but I, m blessed to have taken that leap of faith.

Life as an LP is so much better without a man giving you the runaround

95% sure and you would sacrifice everything to be with him. Give yourself a chance to get what you want. Don't ever sacrifice your dream for someone else's because you will get no thanks for doing it.

"If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids-I would stick with him."

So what if you reach a point a few years down the line where he changes his mind about kids, and suddenly really wants them and then you find it's too late? Is HE going to be prepared to lose HIS chance to have kids with YOU? And would he stick with you if you couldn't? Or decide to leave find a younger woman to start a family with?

If he's not demonstrating his commitment to you NOW, not even an engagement, I would seriously doubt his ability to show you commitment in the potential scenario described above, when times would be really tough, emotionally.

You are 35 and you are pretty sure you want kids. Sorry but you need to get on with it.

Tell him what you want. Be blunt. You want marriage and to start TTC, or at least the TTC part, within the next year or two (given age).

Ask him if he is up for that. He can have a few weeks to think about it. But you need an answer by (let's say) May bank holiday. As you need to make some decisions.

This actually isn't an ultimatum. You're not saying "have kids or I'll leave". You haven't made that decision yet. You're simply saying "I need to know your position on this so I can decide". It's a perfectly fair question.

the word "ultimatum" has a lot to answer for IMO - it makes people (particularly women) scared of simply being honest about what they want.

OP I'm on the other side of things at 32 and CF.

I've acknowledged the possibility that this might change, but seems unlikely. DP - who I met at 21 - has known this from the get go. I've been very very careful to discuss this at intervals, ensure he's comfortable, understands my fertility etc., because if it came to it I could be convinced if it was a deal breaker. I would absolutely hate him to say it was fine then bugger off at 40 and find a 30 year old willing to procreate, while I search among the divorced fathers and determined bachelors.

I don't get the engagement thing though. Before we bought a house, DP asked me to marry him. We didn't buy a ring or make a big deal for a number of years because we had a lot of house costs, but no-one was waiting for anyone to propose. He accepted that I didn't want to spend money on a ring (his choice) when we were poorer, but there was no 'propose at his / her choice'. Both sets of parents knew we intend to marry but it wasn't a short term priority. I'd be deeply suspicious of 'I'll propose when I'm good and ready' after 3 years. 2 maybe, but 3 assuming you live together?

Don't ttc unless you've had the talk,how will you manage finances,will you use ft nursery,housewife or work
You and him aren't ready to have baby.youre not reading his signals

If you were my friend in RL, after what would be many conversations like the ones you've had with his/your friends, I would tell you straight: this is doomed.

Have another conversation where you don't get all histrionic and make ultimatums. But have your exit strategy ready.

Carryon,you're a smart woman.make an informed intellectual choice don't just acquiesce to his wishes

Someone made a good point a way back about watching how he is at these upcoming weddings. It is an absolute certainty, if you go together, that someone will say 'Your turn next!' during the course of the day, and if you watch him carefully then, his reaction will speak volumes.

I just wouldn't wait around like this. In RL I have a cousin & also a friend in this situation. Mid 30s. Been with partners for a few years, always careful to talk about it in reasoned, measured tones..always careful not to sound like its an ultimatum..always careful not to sound needy..always careful not to sound as if coming on too strong..forever careful careful careful.

To hell with all that. OP you are a woman - its not as if he hasn't noticed that! He knows its a possibility you would want to bear children. He is an indecisive man on the outside, but on the inside he is saying 'No' to marriage and children. Do not let him 'pass time' with you. You are not there to be a man's option. If you know you want marriage, children etc then just, tell him straight.

This is your partner, you should be able to be direct with him now. & if he is still indecisive, still says no..then, just let go of this relationship. As painful as that may be, it will be nowhere near as painful as remaining for a few more years feeling anxious inside that he may or may not make up his mind, dangling whilst your fertile years are ticking away, and then becoming resentful and bitter. Do not see a man as worth more than you.

A man who has been with a woman for several years has no right to see her wanting children and marriage as an 'ultimatum'. & if he does..then he certainly isnt relationship material. Let him be as 'abstract' as he likes - but, not on your time.

OP you really need to smell the coffe here. How many examples do you need?

Here is what you are saying to us all

You will regret not having kids.
You are aware that you are running out of time
It would be immoral/cheating/compromising of you to give him any ultimatums.

Ok. That leaves you with two choices. Leave him now and accept that you may regret it. Or stay and accept a very strong likelihood that you will never have kids, which you know will make you deeply unhappy.

That's your decision. Doesn't need you to wait round till the end of the year waiting for an epiphany that's not going to hit him.

You're already deeply unhappy, by the look of it. Life's too short. Get on with it.

If you genuinely think you'll chose him rather than DCs if it's a straight choice, then I'd take a higher risk strategy and tell him that. Say that you would like children, but would rather be with him than have children with someone else, but if he wants children, you can't leave it 3-4 years, realistically, you should start TTC before Christmas, and it might already be too late.

If he does want children, just not now, he needs to accept that what he is saying to you is "I want children, but not with you, I'll dump you in a few years to have children with someone else." or he's saying "I want children, but I'm going to leave it until it's too late and then make you go through very expensive and painful proceedures to make it happen, which might still not work."

Make it clear, he's not to lie to keep you, if he really doesn't want children, that's something he should tell you now so you have time to get used to the idea decide if you really do want to leave him but to keep offering it and let you worry about your fertility if ultimately he's never going to want them is cruel to you. You need to spell out to him if he wants to wait until he's nearly 40 to have a child, he's with the wrong woman.

He can chose from the options that are physically possible given the relationship he's chosen to be in, not the one that he's not. It's like picking a woman earning £25k a year and expecting to get a Jag from her for his 40th birthday - fine to want it, just he's picked a woman it can't physically happen with. His planning has to fit round what is possible. 3-4 years before DCs is actually no DCs or DCs with someone else.

oh and I'd tell him this, and then say that you don't want him to give you his answer tonight, but wait a few days then say if he really wants DCs or not. Give him time for the fact that his vage plans aren't actually possible, so he has to get used to the reality of the options that are available. If a lot of his friends are dating/marrying woman younger than them (so more like 30-32) then "3-4 years" is a reasonable timeframe for them. It's not for you.

Tell him you don't want a knee jerk reaction which is effectively just trying to keep you happy, he needs time to work out exactly what he wants from what's possible.

Mary's analogy re the jag is a good one. By saying in another few years pretty much rules you out of the picture.

If you are 95% sure you want kids, that will not go away.

As one pp mentioned, he is so laid back because this isn't his problem.

I met my 27yo DP when I was 35 and had no children/really wanted them. We had to have the kids/fertility talk pretty early on. His response was, I get it. It would be nice to have had a couple of years together first, but tough, let's crack on. So after a year together we are actively ttc. I would have walked otherwise, despite DP being gorgeous and kind and fun and smart.

Really think hard and long before making such a sacrifice for him.

No man is compelled to have kids,marry and women shouldn't wait or expect it of men
Essentially they're compatible on many levels,but not on this,it happens
He's already sent op the signal,she knows,but is in denial.hes not bothered mr laidback because everything is as he wants it.

You don't need to watch his reaction at weddings to the you next quip he's already told you loud and clear!not him next - he's not circumspect

Marriage isn't be all, IMO it doesn't cement a relationship.but in op opinion it is significant,and he's said no
Kids on other hand,IMO does cement a relationship you're forever linked together by having children.again he's said no

Op has said if it's him,or kids.then it's him she'll chose
I hope that choice is made freely and weighed up pro/con and not romantic fatalism

I do have very little respect for partners that procrastinate at someone else's expense though. Too many times you see women taking the wait and see approach whereas really they're taking a huge fertility risk. I wouldn't be proud of a son (or daughter) of mine that did this to his partner.

I don't think marriage or kids cement a relationship but if I'm having a child with someone I'm in a secure relationship with then it is better to be married because it gives each of you legal protection.

^^ What Mary said, you've put it so succinctly.

And definitely give him space to think and make a decision. One thing my DP said after I left him was that it finally gave him the time to think it through, without me there putting pressure on him to make a decision.

It also helped that I wasn't there - so it really helped him realize what he would be losing.

I didn't understand it at the time, but some people really do think better with some space and time.

If he's genuinely undecided that's fine to me. I suspect he isn't from what he has said but taking what he says at face value his 'I may want kids in 3 years' it is correct as Mary says 'I don't want children with you' and the op should consider that at some point if she stays he may decide he wants to leave for someone who can bear him children. I suspect this may not be the case and he really is just being cowardly about directly saying he doesn't want children at all but it is something the op should consider and so should her partner.

Still got an issue with the level of control he has as a result of this free spirit stuff though.

Only person compelling op to wait and see is herself,he's said no kids,she's not listening
When a man is ready fir kids,he's decisive,not umm-oh work pressure,oh house too wee
This man isn't in wrong he's told her no kids,she not listening,she's hoping he change mind

Scottish - think he's in the wrong for saying ok in 3-4 years and continually pushing back the boundary as it gets closer since he knows how op feels. He should have said I don't think I'll ever want kids/marriage. He's trying to play the ambiguity in what he says in his favour, putting her off rather than being honest I think but that's unforgiveable really, yes she should listen to what he has said but he shouldn't be trying to keep her at all costs by telling her rubbish.

He's using her hope to trap her I think. Whilst also ensuring he's said just enough to appear blameless.

OP what I am struggling to understand is how you can still love and think so highly of someone who is clearly not paying attention to how important this is to you. He's stalling, making vaguely positive noises about "one day" and "some day" and because you love him so much you are holding onto any glimpse of hope that things will work out. It's really very unfair of him.

This would make me lose respect for a partner - I wouldn't be able to be happy or secure in a relationship that I couldn't even plan the next few (and most important imo) years of our lives. I would start to resent him and also think that someone you describe as so "lovely" can't really be, if they're not prioritising your hopes, plans and needs.

I fell pregnant unexpectedly at 28. Had been with my partner about a year. Luckily, although we'd never talked about children, we had discussed marriage from early on - we were both sure about that. Actually, when I think of it now, I was lucky that happened. My now DH always knew he wanted a large family (four of five kids) whereas I was in two minds about having them. The subject hadn't really crossed my mind until I met him. I am now expecting no. 3 at 33. We're not sure yet if we want any more (I think I'm happy with 3, not even sure how that'll go yet!) but if he really is keen for a fourth we'll chat. I don't want to be over 35 when I have my fourth.

Thing is, you cannot underestimate the impact kids will have on your relationship, health (mental, physical, emotional) and overall happiness. The first few years are very, very hard. Lack of sleep is a killer and the strongest of marriages or relationships are tested to the limits at times. You need to be 100% on the same page before you go into this...if you're not then he might end up holding the fact he agreed to children under pressure against you, even if he never says it.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who is reluctant to make the next stage. The next stage is fucking hard enough without some young-at-heart, free-spirited Peter Pan making it even fucking harder. This is real life, and at some point he needs to address the fact that other people's lives are as important as his. If he doesn't, leave him to it. But the fact is you don't have all that much time if you want a large family. And it is hard at my age...I dread to think of the sleepless nights no. 3 will bring now I'm 4-5 years older than when I had my first.

He's not trapping her in least.he's said no kids,no marriage,she calls him Peter Pan
Op knows what he's like she is defiantly hoping a guid woman love will fix this
It's like feminism never happened,giving man all the power to control her outcome because she luffs him