DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

In terms of my current situation, I'd say 50 / 50 that I want kids now this minute (maternal instinct there, but practicalities holding me back), but more like 95% in the next 3 years (only reservations over my demanding career holding me back in long term)

Perhaps that's true, although tis not something I can see in the people I know, but I'd not really consider them men tbh if they don't even know basics of biology! Little boys really, my 8 year old lad knows more about biology and reproduction than that!

OP I read the first few pages but haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this is repetitive. What jumps out at me is that in your first post you said you raised your future with him "in a non-pushy way". Perhaps raise it again in a more pushy way! There's no shame in being firm on what are, after all, major decisions for you as well as him.

I don't think your partner sounds patronising or controlling neccesarily re the engagement thing. But the situation (of letting the man make the proposal decision) is patriarchal and annoying. You don't have to buy into it of course, but many of us do, willingly or not. That's not a criticism by the way - I found myself in the same situation 6 years ago when, after 7 years together I waiting for DH to propose (not quietly I must admit - I spent a long time going "fuck it let's just go to the town hall and get it over with" to which DJ would reply enigmatically "don't worry .... you have nothing to worry about" which he presumably thought would be reassuring, but which I found intensely annoying and patronising.)

I am generally a very feminist person and I found the whole situation maddening. We were living overseas at the time and it transpired that he'd wanted to propose when we were home on a holiday and had been planning it for a year (a year when I had been getting more and more annoyed and wound up about the lack of a proposal).

Luckily for me I had plenty of time up my sleeve - I met DH aged 20, (he was 24), married at 27 and only now are we expecting our first child - I', 32 and will be 33 when the baby is born. So we had a lot of time to have an extended adolescence and kick round whether we did in fact want kids. Both of us weren't sure and even now I'm not totally clucky (hopefully that will happen!). At 35 I'd be laying it on the line - for me, if a proposal and firm plans to have kids were really important I'd be saying so and setting a deadline for when it needed to happen. Friends of mine have done this and I think it does make guys who do intend to commit but have been a bit lazy/useless get their shit together. And if they never intended to commit it frees you to move on.

Drifting along slightly aimlessly wasn't so bad in my 20s (and for me, Iwasnt' over stressed (just annoyed) - we both knew we were going to get married buit given our ages there was no rush.I'd feel really resentful if choices were taken away with me because someone (a) couldn't make up their mind (and I think this does happen for guys - it's not nec an excuse) or (b) wasn't prepared to commit to me but didn't want to tell me.

Sorry this has been a bit of a novel.

If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids, the way I'm feeling right now, I would stick with him.

I can almost 100% guarantee that if you make that decision, you'll regret it. It would be different if you were absolutely sure you didn't want children, which some women are.

I hope it works out for you, honestly.

At 35 though and 95% sure you want kids in next 3 years I'd be wanting to start trying now.

"If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have children, I would stick with him"

That's a very positive thing to say about the relationship. You have just pretty much answered your own question. I guess you will stick with him and hope that your potential sacrifice (of possibly no children) is rewarded by him sticking with you in the long term whether you get married or not. It's a gamble either way and I guess that life is just one big gamble in some respects.

If you have any doubts about the way you feel about him or the way he feels about you, then you have some serious thinking to do.
I really hope it works out for you (either with or without children)

So when you first got serious he saw marriage in 3 years and family in 5. This was coming from a position of not having had a serious relationship. 3 years in marriage is at some point and kids maybe maybe not.

You have had 7 relationships which allow you to see this is more special for you.
He seems less committed than he was at the beginning.

You need a decision from him.

Nutty - what does he mean by 'been burned' and does he think women are interchangeable and not individual people? Why would something his xw did affect your relationship? - 'Been Burned' was my turn of phrase, sorry, not my DPs.

And no he doesn't think women are not individual people. Why would something his xw did affect our relationship? Well in exactly the same way that everyone's past experiences of relationships affects them. How many times have we seen on this very thread experiences of women who said that their ex did something or treated them in some way which shaped their future self and their relationships?

If a woman posted on here that her ex treated her badly and she's therefore wary of commitment, wouldn't you sympathise with her?

Yes, but I wouldn't be advising her to have a baby with her partner. I'd probably be thinking it would be better for her to be single so she could work out her issues and not impose them on an innocent partner.

You do seem pretty clear you want to stay with him, come what may - that's the critical point.

You say, having children is not a given, but if it was me, I would have chosen being single and adopting a child - and was prepared to do this, after my relationship broke down. By the time I was in my mid-thirties I would have chosen single parenthood over a relationship with someone who didn't want children. I had planned for it too - bought a house by myself, had a salary I could support myself on - several years of planning went into making it a viable proposition.

Having one last go at online dating, partly because a friend bullied me into it, was a final throw of the dice before I started investigating adoption, and that's when I met DH.

If you cannot face the thought of doing that alone, then there is the answer. I could not face the thought of not doing it, that's how much parenthood mattered to me.

"If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids, the way I'm feeling right now, I would stick with him."

What happens if you did this and HE decided to leave - your world would fall apart. Giving up on the idea of children because he doesn't want them, then he goes anyway, you've 'lost' him and your chance to be a mother.

Give him the ultimatum OP and by a certain time. If he loves you enough he'll do what you want and if he doesn't there's your answer - sorry if that's hard to read.

Walk away - again, if he loves you enough he will come after you. Trust me on this. If he doesn't, there's your answer.

Please don't stay with someone who will not live the life you want. He's not prepared to make any compromises atm, so it's time for you to take control of your own destiny.

P.S. I should add that my demanding career was also putting me off having kids but ultimately, paradoxically, it was also what convinced me.

I had a crazy year at work last year, absolutely flat out, and DH started a new quite intense job (both of us are lawyers) and I thought the only way to have some time off and some balance is to have a child! (We don't live in the UK so work-life balance is a bit more manageable to when we were in London.)

I'm highly amused anyone thinks another adult will crumple under mn thread
Aye like that's going to happen.in the power balance,get holds the power.and he know it
You op persist with romantic love,the unconditional pang.the helpless attraction to another

In fact,love is a conditional transaction that adults engage in eg
Mutually chose where to live
Chose nursery or not
Chose how to manage finances
Love isn't a fierce force we are helpless to,that kind of thang subjugates women

Without making this thread about me (sorry OP!! Just trying to add my support because our situation is so similar!) my DP doesn't have any issues, has been single before he met me, and isn't imposing anything on me. But because he's been married before, and it failed, he doesn't see marriage as the be all and end all. He can take it or leave it, whereas it's me that wants it because I feel it is important.

So OPs partner is coming from a slightly different viewpoint, in that he hasn't had a long-term commitment before, so he might feel a bit different. But it doesn't necessarily mean he's stringing her along, he might just not have focussed his mind yet.

I really hope a good frank talk with him will sort his head out OP.

Long term, I could never stay with a man who fobbed me off on such an important issue.

I take it if you have a baby he's going to sacrifice his career then since he doesn't want marriage? Or is he expecting you to take the hit because you want the baby?

Trust me, however much you think you love him, it will be nothing compared to the love you would feel for your children. Anything you feel for him will fade in comparison. Walk away.

And with respect nutty given you are Ttc if he really could take it or leave it he'd take it because he'd want both of you to be mutually protected by legal provisions offered by marriage which become infinitely more important when you have dc.

He doesn't want to marry because he has been burned (money? If so be extremely wary about conceiving).

The op's DP just doesn't sound like he has ever or ever will want these commitments, which is fine if he is honest about it.

I had the same luck as Ladyflower -- started dating DH at 36, within 2.5 years we were married and had a baby.

Like you, I'd had a lot of experience, serious and non, and by 36 had pretty much given up on finding the right guy. But I still did. Of course you don't know anyone suitable right now, you're in a couple and not looking. If you were single you'd be doing different things and perhaps coming across them.

Yes, it is a big gamble. But you'd be taking a big gamble to stay with your DP and hope he comes around.

I would do the GP fertility check, have one more talk with DP to give him that info and be very direct with him, and then give it however much time you can stand (not too long).

If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids, the way I'm feeling right now, I would stick with him

This is exactly the choice I made OP - but under slightly different circumstances.

I was acutely aware that if I stayed with DP while he refused to ttc, it might be ok now, but I would come to resent him and it would destroy us eventually. It might be ok now, while you fill your lives with work and holidays etc, but imagine when you're in your 50s, 60s, 70s - no kids, no grand kids and that will be entirely down to his decision.

So I chose to leave DP if he refused to ttc, because while it might be ok now, the resentment would break us apart in the long run anyway.

On going back to DP, I decided to be with him even though he could have been infertile. I decided that was worth it, because, while the outcome could be the same - we may never have DCs - at least we would have tried and so the resentment won't happen.

Be very careful and think of your future long-term self in making this decision.

You are in a fortunate position if you consider him and your relationship more important than havig children so aren't really going to have to make the difficult decision to end this which would be what I would do in your shoes

Can I just as why this is about marriage and not about having children? You do all realise that you don't have to be married to have a baby?

Cohabitate is of course perfectly ok,but that wasn't her plan.they said marriage and kids
But she will acquiesce to keep him,she'll forgo her preferences to fulfil his

Martorana I think OP has said that she doesn't mind so much about marriage, it's having kids that is more important.