DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Do you think it might be beneficial if I show DP this thread, or no way?

I think it all comes back to OP needing to sit down and lay all her cards on the table with him. Don't be thinking about leaving him or anything dramatic until you've been completely frank with him.

Tell him exactly how it is - my DP certainly didn't understand about declining fertility, increased risk of problems etc with increasing age until I told him.

Tell him how all this procrastinating is making you feel. And that by agreeing to ttc / marriage, he will be giving you everything you want and making you content and happy. He should want to do this for you, and for himself as well.

Ask your GP for some fertility tests - simple blood test to check your FSH level (gives indication of ovarian reserve) and progesterone levels is the standard way to start. Some GPs will only do this if you've been ttc for a while you could lie and say you have

The good news is that you're not on the pill, so you don't need to get that out of your system. So you really can start ttc straight away.

I really don't think ultimatums are the way to go, because if he does fold and agree, you'll never know if it was because he wanted to, or because he was forced to.

And don't write him off. I know exactly what you mean about finally finding someone who you're so happy with, and him not being on the same page. Let's hope he'll see sense and get on your page soon.

SO true, scottishmummy. So true.

Thanks Nutty, I'm definitely going to go for fertility tests. Hope you got my DM x

No I don't think you need a thread to evidence your malaise,I wouldn't be swayed if I were him
If you face it face,with your clear request doesn't sway him,then a thread with strangers won't cut it
Why dint you feel you can legitimately raise this,without leverage?yiure meant to be his equal

OP, I think you're between a rock & a hard place.

Stay with him & risk becoming increasingly resentful about not having children (this will erode your relationship if you really do want to have them).

Go & risk not finding anyone. But being true to yourself.

Whatever you decide, make it soon (within a few months). If you want to meet someone in your mid-thirties, you'll need to be pro-active: Internet dating, blind dates etc.

I also wonder if you are his "practice marriage" - his first long-term relationship in his 30's.

I think ultimatums are the way to go if you really want a child. Because what else do you do. Sit and wait while the years tick by and then your chances of having a child are massively diminished. Tell him straight out. You want a child and there isn't another ten or fifteen years for him to make up his mind. And if you hang on the chances are he might feel the same way in three years time. And you will be three years older.

No to ultimatum,you dint have right to force his decision he has to want it
Why would you want that legacy of an ultimatum,he's got to want this
He can legitimately chose to cohabit,no kids,it's a legit choice if you both want it

I truly love him and there's no way I'm going to force him into something that doesn't feel natural to him, so there won't be any ultimatums from me.

DP's Dsis (32) and her DH (33) have just been told after umpteen tests that there's no chance of them conceiving naturally (his low sperm count) They've decided to eschew IVF and apply to adopt. They're both child protection lawyers and are so passionate about kids its terribly sad they can't have their own.

You think this would make DP acutely aware that fertility isn't a given, but it just doesn't seem to have sunken in

It's often the case with men who behave like this that they don't just want to keep their options open in case Angelina Jolie or Kylie Minogue walks into the pub and proposes to them: what they also enjoy is the fact that a woman who is gagging for a wedding ring is a woman who is going to do everything the man wants. All he's got to do to get his cock sucked is hint that there might be an engagement ring lurking about his person; every time she says or does something he doesn't like, he can shut her up and put her in her place by claiming that he was planning to propose and now she's spoilt it.

Oh come on op,Wakey Wakey!he's not impervious to facts.hes chosing not to marry you or have kids
That is ok preference to have,but it's not what you want?yet you passively acquiesce
You need to disavow yourself of romantic rot.love is a conditional transaction,both parties agree to mutual terms of reference

I really believe the key is to find the right person. I was obsessed with the children thing and when I met my DP, I was so bowled over that the having children thing didn't matter so much. Being able to have children is not a given, so it's vitally important to find yourself in a relationship where you would be happy to be childless.
At the moment, by the very fact this thread exists, it doesn't sound as if that is the case for you.

SolidGoldBrass (I've conversed with you on the creative writing threads under various other names) I think my DP is less likely to be keeping his options open because he wants someone gagging for him, than because he doesn't want someone gagging for him and just wants to do his own thing, like he did for 32 years before he met me...

You think this would make DP acutely aware that fertility isn't a given, but it just doesn't seem to have sunken in

I honestly think you're being a little naïve here. The fertility is not his problem, it's your problem... He doesn't care about the fertility at all because kids and marriage are not on his radar, and unfortunately, while I'm not quite going to go to the lengths SGB did above, I'm sensing marriage and kids with you are not on his radar.. .

The fact of you thinking the two of you are so suited that how could either of you even contemplate thinking of anyone else is only what you think.

Please do consider yourself here OP. There are plenty of women on Relationships who thought they'd found their soul mate, next thing he's in someone else's knickers. I'm not saying that's imminent, I'm not even saying it'll ever happen but right now, the fact is, he doesn't want to marry you, he doesn't want kids with you. Forget the platitudes, he's voting with his feet.

Again, please put yourself first and decide what you want in this one and only, terribly short life. Are you going to sacrifice the chance of kids over someone who may or may not give you that but sure as hell isn't showing any signs of it right now? Really? Are you prepared to sacrifice everything you want for just one man who, let's face it, is a long shot right now?

Right now, in all of your posts, it's all about him.

He's told you all you need to know IMO.

He, as a person, had never been interested in settling down, he has never wanted commitment.

He may well have decided that you are special and he wants to offer more commitment to you than he ever has before.

However, there's no such thing as wanting to feel like getting married in about 3-4 years and having a baby in 5. There can be planning when both people feel they want it but there are barriers to overcome - saving for a house, ensuring good maternity pay etc. There is no "I don't want children but I will in 5 years". As you have discovered. You can only know that just now you don't want to but you aren't sure how you'll feel later. All along he has not wanted those commitments.

He still now doesn't want those commitments. Cohabiting is the level he wants and no more. He may change his mind about the marriage later but you can't bank on that. I doubt he'll change his mind about dc.

He knows about women's fertility because you have told him, quite frankly I'm aghast that grown men would not understand something so basic, if he really didn't I would guess it is because it is not important to him.

He is still telling you now at 35 that he doesn't want marriage or babies. That's what you have to base your decision on.

I also agree with pp who suggest that the level of control he has just now might not be problematic to you now but you can bet your life it will be if you had a baby with him. Especially one he doesn't want.

Being able to have children is not a given, so it's vitally important to find yourself in a relationship where you would be happy to be childless.

If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids, the way I'm feeling right now, I would stick with him.

But of course, there's no concrete guarantee he'll stick with me.
And there's no guarantee the way I feel right now is the way I'll always feel.

I have to say, having a DP who is also vague about marriage, that he most definitely is not just using me, stringing me along, or any of those other negative assumptions.

He's just... vague. He doesn't see the need to change what we have now. He loves me, definitely wants to do it one day, but can't really be bothered with it right now. And neither can I, although I want some assurance it will happen one day. Granted, he's been married before and had his fingers badly burnt, so he's coming from a different place to OPs DP. But the point i'm trying to make is just because OPs DP isn't sure about marriage doesn't mean he's a bad person, or doesn't love OP, or doesn't want to do it eventually. He might just be a bit blase about all that stuff.

I hope that when you explain to him frankly about declining fertility etc, it might hit home. I had to open my heart to my DP and tell him how I longed for a family, and how I didn't just want a baby, I wanted his baby. He honestly had never really understood or thought about it much before.

Sometimes you need to spell it out for people.

Op,your emphasis is wrong,solid emphasis is wrong.its not about him,it's you
Your inability to act on your needs your preferences.you're desperate to acquiesce to him
Make informed intellectual choices not but I love him so much bodice rippers choices

Your last post - I'm sorry, but hearing that coming from a woman of 35 who is already more than aware that yes, she does want children - that could come to be the biggest regret of your life.

Think very, very carefully.

If you've been in love 7times in your life I'd say finding your dp wasn't the finding a needle in a haystack you said it was.

I had to grow up quite quickly and I've travelled a lot with my career, so I'd say I experienced a lot in a comparatively short period of time.

Enough to know that what I have with DP is extremely different and special.

Do you want children or are you not too sure yourself?

If I had to choose between losing him and losing my chance to have kids-I would stick with him.
Ok,there you go then op.youll chose him,you have your answer.

Nutty - what does he mean by 'been burned' and does he think women are interchangeable and not individual people? Why would something his xw did affect your relationship?

He knows about women's fertility because you have told him, quite frankly I'm aghast that grown men would not understand something so basic - I bet if you went out and asked 10 childless 30-something year old men how much they knew about women's fertility, you would be quite surprised at how little they know.

Oh and to answer your question about showing your DP this thread - depends, if he knows you use MN and doesn't mind you telling people about your problems on here, then it might help him to read some of the responses. You might be pleasantly surprised at his reaction to some people's negative assumptions of his motives.

Alternatively, if - like my DP - he would be horrified at the thought of you posting on here, you could perhaps tell him that "some people I have talked to about this say...." and pass on the MN wisdom that way!