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Original poster

DP dragging his heels about our future

627 replies

CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 12:18

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:05

Romantic love should absolutely be conditional.
Yes, I realise that now.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/04/2014 21:06

I'd say that's a lot of long-term relationships, really. Doesn't sound like you've had much time as a single woman. And no casual short term flirtations for fun? personally I find it unusual that you say you were in love all those times.

I don't know.....I may be barking up the wrong tree, totally, but are you sure you're not just in love with the idea of being in love? Are you SURE that you are both right for each other?

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:07

If you found out that your fertility was declining do you think he would be more decisive?
That's a very good point which I hadn't considered before.
I think taking a fertility test might well be a very good idea.
Especially because before I told him he seemed to be under the impression that women could conceive easily into their 40s.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/04/2014 21:08

Meant to also say that I was sorry that one of your partners died. That must have been awful.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:08

Curly
Oh, I've had more than my fair share of short term flirtations and flings in-between relationships double figures I've most definitely got that out of my system.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:10

He passed 10 years ago very suddenly, it turned my life upside-down. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I crave security so much nowadays?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 21:10

My friend has recently left his wife after 15 yrs - He has wanted children all this time. She always said 'not yet'. Finally he realized what 'not yet' meant.

I met dh Internet dating at 36. After about 6 weeks we talked about where we wanted to go - we both wanted kids, marriage not so important. We'll give it a year, we decided, then see if we still feel the same, we discussed the fact that we couldn't dilly dally. Within a year I was pregnant.

Jollyphonics · 03/04/2014 21:11

I saw a gynaecologist OP, to find out the score. He was vey frank and honest with me, told me some harsh facts, which helped galvanise me into a decision.

Women getting pregnant at 40 are the exception. And don't underestimate the horror of IVF. I've been through some horrific experiences in my life but IVF was the thing that nearly broke me. It's not an easy option, to be regarded as a safe fall-back.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:13

He knows he loves you, he knows he's happy, and he can afford to adopt a "let's see how things go in time" attitude.

Yep, that's pretty much spot on...

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/04/2014 21:13

" Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I crave security so much nowadays?"

Maybe. Well if you're absolutely sure that he's the man for you, and vice versa, then all the more reason for him to be willing to provide that security.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:15

And don't underestimate the horror of IVF.

Believe me, given my profession, I most definitely would never underestimate the horror of IVF.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/04/2014 21:21

Of course he wants to wait and see,he's bargaining on you being around.besotted
Love is completely conditional.we all have our thing,the line we don't want crossed
And if the line is crossed that breaks relationships.maybe for you two this is the line

CurlyhairedAssassin · 03/04/2014 21:29

"When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5." "3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage."

If you leave out everything else, and just stick to the main points above, then it should be clear what you need to do. He's gone back on his word, the relationship is no different to how it was 3 years ago, it is ultimatum time for sure.

scottishmummy · 03/04/2014 21:32

No,ultimatum.he's giving you his intentions in mn direct way,he's not want to marry you
If he does not want to change things,that's his choice,you need it decide can you too chose it
And fwiw,you're coming across a bit whimsy in love. You know love is a conditional transaction,two folk choosing a mutual path and clear in do and don't

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:33

Is it no different though?

We've bought a house together, share finances and have bonded with each others' friends.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 03/04/2014 21:35

But you're not happy to cohabitate?uour preference is marriage and baby.thats not his
If you're happy to cohabitate great,it's a good life.but chose it as opposed to being there by stealth
You need to think,what is your absolute,what will you not compromise on

Ladyflower · 03/04/2014 21:36

That's exactly what I did.
I was in a dead end relationship with someone who could not/would not commit. I was desperate for marriage and kids. I was 37 and I left him for the reasons above.
Met a lovely bloke a year or so later. Knew immediately that I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life regardless of whether or not he wanted children. In fact I decided not to ask him about it, as the answer to the question didn't change anything. Fast forward 18 months and I have a delicious 6 week newborn son and my soul mate and we're marrying in August.
I am now 40. I conceived very easily but realise that I was incredibly lucky. I took a massive gamble with my fertility and fortunately for me it paid off. It could quite easily not have done, but even then I would have found myself in the relationship I wanted and having children felt less important somehow.
If I was in your position I would leave to find someone who was certain about me and having children, and someone that you're so crazy about, that having children becomes less of a priority.
Good luck

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 21:42

Ladyflower I'm really glad to hear that things worked out for you.

The fact is I don't know of any single men who want children and haven't yet had them, let alone ones that I may click with and who might be interested in me.

Finding DP was like finding a needle in a haystack, I couldn't possible conceive starting that search all over again.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 21:43

Nonsense. You just haven't met them yet.

lavenderhoney · 03/04/2014 21:44

All this worrying about if YOU can conceive.. What if he can't? Is he going to pop to the doctors to make sure if he makes you wait he will be ok? Or have double the hassle of conceiving because you are now older and he is having trouble? Why are you considering this?

Look, you're muddying the waters with ivf talk and I don't think for a second he has no idea about age and infertility. You're absolutely right to bring it up and it won't go away. Its your life, get some control of it. Its too much responsibility for him to assume you can will be ok to wait passively.

You've given it three years which is a long time. You might not meet anyone and have a baby - its not a good time to be fucked about ( experience, sadly) I guess this is what is keeping you from going, perhaps.

Stay for the summer, flirt a lot at weddings, tell people you'd love to get married etc, and quietly sort out pushing off at the end of summer. With all the phone numbers from those lovely people you met at weddings.

Don't pretend its all ok and tie yourself in knots for him. He's not, is he?

HandragsNGladbags · 03/04/2014 21:45

In that case CarryOn you seem to have worked out your answer.

If you can't "possible conceive starting that search all over again" then you need to accept you will be dancing to your partner's tune.

scottishmummy · 03/04/2014 21:46

God that's defeatist rubbish,expat nailed it when she explained timing and right man
You've met right man,wrong timing.hes not the only man,unless you enact some romantic fatalism
as I said there's not only one man fir one woman.youve not met all other men

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 21:49

I couldn't conceive of it, either, but I couldn't also conceive of never trying to have children. I was 30-31.

I took the control back by making the choice mine.

They were honest with me. 'Not now' 'some day' became not good enough.

There is nothing wrong with either choice, but I had a choice and made it.

Before my ex-boyfriend, I left a marriage, a good one. Except . . .

Except wasn't good enough. 'some day' 'later' 'think about it in X months/years' wasn't good enough anymore.

So I had to leave.

If I had not left, I would not have 3 children.

VivaLeBeaver · 03/04/2014 21:50

So he has you where he wants you. He can do what he wants knowing that you'll never leave because you're clinging onto a slim hope that he'll change his mind.

Orangeanddemons · 03/04/2014 21:52

Just tell him outright.

Say, " I am already past the most fertile part of my life. My chances of conceiving are getting smaller all the time. I need to try for a baby now, and can't afford to wait any longer." Make it about you rather than him

Plenty of dad's hold down stressful jobs with children, and plenty of people squeeze dc into small houses. You need to totally pin him down