DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

Most of us have seen a friend lose the best years of her fertility.

And this is indeed happening to one of my best friends (different social circle from the female friends I know through DP) only delaying TTC was HER decision. She met her now husband when she was 30, but only started TTC when she was 37 because she was loving her freedom and their amazing lifestyle so much. Now she's 39 and they're still having no joy.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why he feels like he does.

It is absolutely possible to have fantastic rapport/sex/intellectual connection with someone and still not be in the same place about building a life together. Absolutely possible.
So it would seem. Sod's law, huh?

I was in exactly the same situation as you, OP, except I was 3 years younger than you and my DH was 4 years younger than your DP at the pertinent time.

I had thought it through before I uttered a single word to him about marriage and kids. My view was (and remains, after marriage and one DD, hoping for more DC), that you can't, and shouldn't want to ever make someone do what you want them to do. They need to want to do it themselves. You can, however, try to encourage them to want it.

In our case, I was patient but blunt in telling DH that (in short) I loved him and wanted to marry him and have his children, and that if he wanted to marry me and have children with me we had better get on with it as my biological clock was ticking.

I viewed my age, in the context of TTC, as as much of an issue for him as for me.

I also wanted to get married before children, and explained to him (as he was the type of guy to not have a clue about these things) how long it might take to organise a wedding, that TTC can take time ..... all the while with the biological clock ticking away. I did say, more than once, without any hint of ultimatum but more as a bald fact, that if he didn't want what I wanted he must do the responsible thing and let me know in time to oursue my future elsewhere. I was prepared for this eventuality.

He figured it out for himself. He proposed when he was ready (a complete surprise to me, a weekend I will treasure forever), and DD was born 12 months later.

There are many ways to skin a cat, you need to find the one that resonates best with your DP. But you do need to be ready for a future that doesn't include him. After all, if he doesn't want what you want (and being cavalier with your joint fertility is very much wanting something different from you), what can you do about it?

This could happen to anyone. I married not knowing if I could have a baby at all, given fertility issues. I wanted to get married so much though and even though my husband also desperately wanted children, we both wanted to marry even if we couldn't have them together, because we knew we would tackle whatever life had to throw at us and that might include infertility/miscarriages whatever.

I am missing this sense of optimism and besottedness from him in your posts. It all seems to be about him making himself happy, not making you happy.

I've told you what I think you should do. Attend those weddings with your head held high, if he's sighing and rolling his eyes and making remarks about the 'herd' at the sound of wedding bells, you have your answer.

I think your starting point for moving forward is that you want marriage and babies now and he doesn't.

So how are you going to move forward from that? At the expense of your fertility or at the expense of his lifestyle?

He needs to at least meet you in the middle. At the moment he has everything the way he wants it and you have nothing the way you want it.

I am missing this sense of optimism and besottedness from him in your posts. It all seems to be about him making himself happy, not making you happy.

In the beginning, he was so besotted about me and optimistic about us that our friends would pass the sick bucket. I think the honeymoon phase has waned a bit over three years, and I think the fact he's permanently knackered / stressed about work has a lot to do with that (I would have a nervous breakdown if I had a job like his, and I often wonder how he copes because he's a sensitive soul like I am) However, I've no doubt that he still loves me and is in love with me - we're extremely affectionate towards each other, he shows an interest in my passions in life, cooks me gorgeous meals and makes me laugh on a daily basis.

So how are you going to move forward from that? At the expense of your fertility or at the expense of his lifestyle? He needs to at least meet you in the middle.

I have raised this with him. He says he feels it's too important an issue to compromise on….

It's simple as far as I can see, OP. If he wants YOU as his wife and no-one else, then there is no reason why he shouldn't go along with how you want to do things. It's not like you've only just got together or are only 21 or something. All this talk of not having money for a wedding or the house being too small just sound like a series of excuses to me. Especially with the talk of saving for exotic holidays.

Have you thought about suggesting that on this exotic holiday he's talking of, you actually get married while there? See what he says to that suggestion. If he says he wants all his family there then suggest you have a small registry office wedding in this country with lunch in a restaurant afterwards, and then use the big holiday as your honeymoon. I really wouldn't see an issue with this. UNLESS HE DOESN'T WANT TO GET MARRIED.

Hi OP,

The best way of 'getting to the bottom of why he feels like he does' is to ask him. But I also think you can waste years trying to work out why he thinks like he thinks - hell, he may not know why he thinks what he thinks!

The people who suggest putting your cards on the table are right. Just tell him what you want - will timescale attached, crucial in this case - and ask him if he wants it too. He needs to know what is at stake.

The emphasis you place on him proposing is bizarre. I understand you want to get married, but hey, why aren't you just discussing it like normal adults? The fact that you seem almost fearful of broaching it, because he wants to be 'spontaneous' suggests that actually you are not a partnership of equals.

I got married at 34, took 7 years to get pregnant the first time - three years trying, then assessments, IVF shit - and believe me IVF is pretty shitty whatever the result - and finally, finally got two lovely babies at 42 and 43. This is nothing short of miraculous if you look at IVF success data. Absolutely do not wait any longer. Your biological clock is ticking loudly. If you want babies, you must be clear and tell your DP you wanna get pregnant!

You may have perfect relationship now but it ain't gonna stay perfect much longer when he holds all the cards and you feel you are being strung along. This adds up to you not actually having much to lose. So if you don't have anything to lose....why not give him the facts about what you want and ask for his response. You need this.

Good luck.

Do you think your possibly too nice op? I sometimes think people and its very possibly subconsciously take advantage of others when they know they don't have to try.

Yes, this has been said before many times!

The irony is, this is exactly what DP said to me, when I told him the crap I'd tolerated from xDP. I very much subscribed to the philosophy that love is unconditional, because I'm a sentimental sod at heart...

Oh dear. Just read your post containing he says he feels its too important an issue to compromise on.

I think that says it all. This is not a man who understand what marriage is, let alone being ready for it. Sorry to read this, OP. I think you may have some tough decisions ahead.

You can't afford to be sentimental. There's no such thing as "The One". He can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you fundamentally want different things from life you won't be happy together long term.

Bakingtins if only I could turn my sentimental switch off!

I don't believe there's only one person in the entire world who's your "one", but the chances of meeting someone you connect with on that deep level? I think you're incredibly lucky if that happens more than once in a lifetime (and I'm saying that from the perspective of someone who's been in love a good 7 times) I'd also say that DP is that "one" for me and he assures me I am for him.

You've been in love 7 times? Really? I'm not sure that's even possible, although others may correct me. And 3 marriage proposals? Are you absolutely sure you know yourself inside out emotionally? (Sorry, I really don't mean that to be as patronising as it sounds.)

I very much subscribed to the philosophy that love is unconditional

Woah. Okay, you need to re-evaluate that philosophy. Romantic love should absolutely be conditional. My love for my DP is conditional on lots of things: him being kind to me, him respecting me, him not being a cheating arse...

The only unconditional love I have is for my child.

You need to pull your head out of the clouds OP. All thing waiting around for a Big Proposal and accepting half arsed promises from a 'free spirit' whom you 'love unconditionally'. You

Well OP, I guess you need to decide how important DCs are to you, because if you stay with your DP and his "sometime in the next 3-4 years" time frame, then it's unlikely you'll actually have DCs with him. You need to actively chose, him or DCs. If you are with him, there's a chance you'll still have DCs. If you leave him, there's a chance you won't find anyone to have DCs with, or have to make the difficult - and expensive - decision to go solo with IVF.

So, first things first, why not find out what your options are? You are 35, your fertility might well have dropped significantly already. If I was you, I'd go for fertility tests.

Sadly I agree with others, he's told you he doesn't want DCs and marriage, or at least, not DCs - marriage alone might be on the cards, but clearly with a timeframe that rules out DCs. You could stay with him and get married at 40, 50, 60 even, you can wait if marriage to him is important to you. If DCs are important to you, with him or someone else, then you really should be trying this year. Certainly if you want more than one.

He might not "get it" about female fertility, but you've told him now and told him you want DCs. He might just be enough of a bastard to keep you bobbing along with "some time in the future" to keep you on side until "lets try now, oh dear, what a shame, too late. No children for us, never mind." - or he might be subconciously doing that, not that he'd like to admit it to himself.

OP you obviously love your partner a great deal, and you sound as if you have a lovely life together, and are very good together. If that is enough for you, then stay with him. Maybe you will have kids, maybe you won't. If you believe you can be happy either way, then stay with him and see what happens. That, I think, is what he is thinking. He knows he loves you, he knows he's happy, and he can afford to adopt a "let's see how things go in time" attitude.

Men have the luxury of choice. He has about 30 years of potential fatherhood ahead of him. You have maybe 5, possibly 10 if you're very very lucky.

What you need to do is think really really hard about this future scenario - you are 38, your friends (who are getting married this summer) are having babies. They talk about their babies all the time, they can't socialise like they used to, so your social life is very different from how it used to be. Your partner doesn't notice as much because he's very busy in his demanding job. So you have the talk again, and he agrees to TTC. But you can't get pregnant. You look into IVF, it all takes time, then you're 39, and your hormone levels aren't great. He's a bit disappointed but it's not the end of the world for him - he's got other interests, busy job etc. life goes on for him.

Play that scenario through your mind over and over. If you think you'd be happy because you'd have eachother and a great relationship, then stay as you are now and wait and see. If you think you'd resent him for stalling during your fertile years, and may start to hate him for depriving you of motherhood, then leave him now. Or set yourself a short time limit of maybe 6 months, to get your head around the idea.

I left my ex in almost identical circumstances. It broke my heart because he was my soul mate, but I knew I really wanted children. He is now happily married to a woman who doesn't want kids.

Oops, meant to say:

You only have one one life and one finite fertility window and you're letting him squander it on a never never promise.

You've been in love 7 times? Really? I'm not sure that's even possible, although others may correct me. And 3 marriage proposals? Are you absolutely sure you know yourself inside out emotionally?

Well, yes - between the ages of 16 and 32 I had 6 relationships (lasting between 2 and 4 years) I thought that was fairly normal? The relationships ended for various reasons from us growing apart to my partner dying.

But there's definitely a difference between being in love and feeling someone's the one you want to marry - that's why I turned those other marriage proposals down and why I'm so sure that DP is the one I want to move forward with.

Carry on, it is a harsh fact that at 35 it is harder to conceive. Could you perhaps see your doctor and have a fertility test? I don't know anything about these tests I just saw a programme about it on the telly. The doctor that the women saw took tests and was able to tell the women how fertile they were. The results were pretty shocking for some young women like you. Apologies if someone has already suggested this - I must have missed it if they did. If you found out that your fertility was declining do you think he would be more decisive?

A lot of posters are maybe like me careering towards 50 and have seen situations like yours a lot over the years. Put yourself first for a change. From your post it seems like it is all about him, his job, his family, his stress, his plan for a romantic gesture whenever he decides to do it. He may be a nice guy and great friend to his female friends but they are not the ones trying to get a commitment from him. He should be down on his knees thanking you for being his girlfriend and should want to 'put a ring on it' to keep you.

It would be an awful shame if you ended up childless when you know full well that you want children. He has all the time in the world but you don't. As for not ever meeting someone else I know loads of women who have no trouble finding partners. I hope it works out for you.

And as you say, this kind of relationship is new to him, he's got to process it all in his mind, get his head around the concept in his own time. Great, that's all fine and very understandable....if you were 25. But you're not. You're 35, and you don't have time to wait.

I too conceived very easily (whilst using reliable contraception) in my youth, and miscarried. It lulled me into a false sense of security. I was stunned when my blood tests showed my ovarian function was significantly reduced at age 36.