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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My life just fell apart.

95 replies

wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:13

DH and I have been married 11 years, together 16, 2 dc. We have had a tough couple of years. I had PND and he coped by more or less opting out of the marriage.

Bit by bit I improved and really tried hard to get things back on track an I thought we were getting somewhere.

Out of the blue today a letter came from electricity company about connecting another property. It was addressed to him but as the electricity is in his name I often open these sort of letters with no problem.

I think he has rented a place and is moving out. He has never given any reason for me to think this was coming.

I looked through some things in his office - it also seems he had a vasectomy over a year ago without telling me.

I am home with ill dc today, he is at work. My head is spinning, I feel weak. I rang him (self employed he could come home) but no reply.

What do I do?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 02/04/2014 13:14

Holds hand
Sorry nso specific advice
do you have friends and family yiu can call on

Original poster
wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:16

No-one. Never even told anyone we were having problems.

I feel faint. Cold.

My dad is ill with heart problems, don't want to upset him.

Dcs are very young.

OP posts:
NewNameForSpring · 02/04/2014 13:17

Yes you do need to talk to him and find out what is going on.

With an ill dc and another one you may have to wait until they are in bed?

Good luck with finding out what is going on. Remember what they say on this board, don't just see that he wants, think about what you want too.

Original poster
wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:18

I just want him. I want everything to be ok.

It just seems so unfair. He never gave me a chance to get better.

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 13:19

If he abandoned you when you had PND by 'opting out' and is plotting his escape like a sneak... doesn't sound like a huge loss to you in the long run. But this must be a huge shock for you (((hand hold)))

BuggarMeGently · 02/04/2014 13:19

I know it's hard, but try to keep calm until you have gathered more evidence. The more ou have to throw at him when you do confront him, the harder it will be to deny it. Sending you Thanks

mansize · 02/04/2014 13:20

Could it be a mistake? Don't panic until you speak to him.

onetiredmummy · 02/04/2014 13:21

Whoa hold your horses there april, breathe.

What work does your DH do, could it be a property related to work? I have to say that if he's moving out he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer getting letters about new house sent to old house, particularly when he knows you open them. So could it be that he's not moving & its something different?

Do you have a gut feeling or an instinct that he's moving out?

Original poster
wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:23

Work nothing to do with property. He hates confrontation. If he was moving out this would be the way he would go about it.

Can't see how it could be a mistake. I've racked my brains to think of any other reason.

OP posts:
TheNightIsDark · 02/04/2014 13:26

Hand holding.

Could it be a family members house he's helping them sort out?

spatchcock · 02/04/2014 13:26

He sounds like a complete coward. Nobody likes confrontation, but part of being an adult is facing up to unpleasant things.

Sorry, that doesn't help you. But holding your hand. You must be in bits, you poor thing.

LaurieFairyCake · 02/04/2014 13:28

Have you gone over to the other place to see if he's there?

That's where I'd assume he'd be if he won't answer his phone.

Forago · 02/04/2014 13:28

business premises?

InflatableBrick · 02/04/2014 13:28

You poor thing. Take practical steps by seeing a solicitor and try to get copies of all financial documents. I wouldn't ask him anything until you have done this.

struggling100 · 02/04/2014 13:30

Oh gosh OP. BIG hugs from me. You sound like you're in total shock.

There has clearly been a major breakdown of communication here.

I know it's so much easier said than done, but please don't panic until you know more. There could just possibly be a more innocuous explanation. Sit tight, breathe, and take it as easy as you can til he gets back. I wouldn't deal with this over the phone.

Remember we are all here for you.

snice · 02/04/2014 13:30

Do you have a joint account? Have you checked to see if any money has gone? What about savings accounts? If he's taken on another property rent deposits would be needed.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 02/04/2014 13:32

So sorry. I know you just want your relationship back how it used to be, but from what you've posted he sounds sneaky and spineless. Not attractive traits. You will have to confront him, tough if he hates it. He shouldn't be such a sneaky git. Maybe before you confront him you should make sure you have all the paperwork you might need as who knows if he's also been hiding money in preparation for a split?

missmagnum · 02/04/2014 13:32

You poor thing, but until you've spoken to him, its all just guess work.

Whatever happens, you will get through this. Best wishes op.

Original poster
wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:42

Just checked accounts I have access to, everything looks fine. He has another account he uses for his business that I can't access though.

I have calmed down a bit. I have some sweet tea.

Thanks to everyone for listening. I don't know where to turn just yet.

Live in small village and have some friends here but wary of village grapevine.

From very large family and can't cope with the onslaught if they find out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 13:44

Had you discussed the idea of him having a vasectomy ?

maras2 · 02/04/2014 13:45

Are you sure that it's not a mistake love . How in God's name can you hide having a Vasectomy ? When my DH had his the whole world knew about it ; youd've thought that he'd had open heart surgery . Best of luck trying to get any truth out of him .

Original poster
wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:50

He had mentioned it before but I thought it was a reaction to my having had hyperemesis and PND. I knew he was scared of the effect another baby would have on me/us. I was against the idea as still a few years off 40 and wasn't sure what the future would hold.

He plays a lot of sport and has had several injuries in recent years so I think he must have covered it up that way.

OP posts:
FabULouse · 02/04/2014 13:52

This reply has been deleted

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fifi669 · 02/04/2014 13:54

Try not to freak out. We can all second guess what's going on but you don't know until you speak to him.

If he's had the snip maybe it's because he struggles seeing you with PND? Slight clutching at straws....

FetchezLaVache · 02/04/2014 13:56

I think it would be quite easy to hide a vasectomy if you weren't having sex. He could have taken the day off without telling her, departed as normal as if for work and just gone and had it done.

I can't think of any innocent reason for the electricity apart from Night's suggestion that he's helping out a family member. I think you should wait until the kids have gone to bed, hand him the letter in silence and just wait for him to tell you WTF is going on. Easier said than done though, I know. Holding your hand. Thanks

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