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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

My life just fell apart.

95 replies

wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:13

DH and I have been married 11 years, together 16, 2 dc. We have had a tough couple of years. I had PND and he coped by more or less opting out of the marriage.

Bit by bit I improved and really tried hard to get things back on track an I thought we were getting somewhere.

Out of the blue today a letter came from electricity company about connecting another property. It was addressed to him but as the electricity is in his name I often open these sort of letters with no problem.

I think he has rented a place and is moving out. He has never given any reason for me to think this was coming.

I looked through some things in his office - it also seems he had a vasectomy over a year ago without telling me.

I am home with ill dc today, he is at work. My head is spinning, I feel weak. I rang him (self employed he could come home) but no reply.

What do I do?

OP posts:

Report

wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 13:57

By onslaught I don't mean anything negative from them - just that there are a lot of them and news spreads like wildfire.

It's such a big thing that if I was to tell one of my sisters she would turn to the others for advice etc and I don't think I could handle it, yet.

It's not fair to burden one of them with a secret.

OP posts:

RedRoom · 02/04/2014 13:57

Can you call the electricity co, explain you are his wife and it is a joint account, and check if it is a mistake?

I just don't know what to say about the vasectomy. That is a huge decision for him to make without consulting with you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 02/04/2014 13:58

Have you gone over to the other place to see if he's there?

That occurred to me too but with sick DCs OP is stuck home.

If he really is planning to do a flit what a cowardly way to go about leaving a spouse and offspring.

Genuinely shocked at idea he'd have a vasectomy without telling you.

You're right not to alert all your family before you find out more but they could be a rock if your fears are proved right. Is there one rl person you can confide in for now?

wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 14:00

I have to go off line for a while. The dc are free ranging around while I try to get myself together. I'll be back though.

Thanks again.

OP posts:

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 02/04/2014 14:01

I'm afraid that the first thing I'd do would be to go into the bank and make sure that there can be no withdrawls from the joint account without your knowledge - if that's possible.

If it's not your name on the account but you have access, I'd withdraw the lot. And when he asks, say 'I don't want you stealing our money to fund your bachelor pad.'

That will start the conversation.

Very sorry this is happening.

cloudskitchen · 02/04/2014 14:02

Another hand hold here. I hope it turns out to be more innocent than it seems

upupupandaway · 02/04/2014 15:05

Type the address into a property search, if it rented/recently been sold it might show up.

CoffeeTea103 · 02/04/2014 15:24

A hug and hand holding here.
Please just speak to him first. As soon as he comes home.

gingermop · 02/04/2014 17:16

huge hug and hand holding x
speak to him asap x

CharlieWoo · 02/04/2014 17:34

Hope you're ok OP

wishitwasapril1st · 02/04/2014 18:16

Hi all, had the most awful day. I am barely functioning, feel cold, can't face food.

I'm practically ignoring the dcs, poor little things.

He knows something is up and he said he was on the way home, then never showed up and didn't answer his phone for hours.

He just rang again and apparently is really coming home now. Will be home in about 90 mins.

I am numb.

OP posts:

GilmoursPillow · 02/04/2014 18:19

Good luck OP.

QOD · 02/04/2014 18:23

Ugh. Can you get the dc to bed early?

handfulofcottonbuds · 02/04/2014 18:23

hand him the letter in silence and just wait for him to tell you WTF is going on

I agree, if possible stay as quiet as possible, listen to what he says, you will know from his reaction.

I'm so sorry you have had this shock, I really hope it can all be explained.

Try and stay strong. I waited 24 hours before confronting my STBXH and I wouldn't advise it, it will be hard to wait until the DCs are in bed unless they go to bed really early.

No doubt you have 1001 things in your head right now but let him talk and give yourself time to take it in.

skinnyamericano · 02/04/2014 18:32

I hope you are coping ok. Remember, nothing is proven.

I have had a couple of letters like this, and it was a case of computer error or identity theft.

Does the vasectomy letter give an appointment date, or confirmation it has been done?

pippop1 · 02/04/2014 18:37

Put the address in Google and see if anything comes up?

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 02/04/2014 18:41

Put the DCs in front of CBeebies, they will be fine.

I hope you can get some answers OP. Offering hand holding in the meantime x

cloudskitchen · 02/04/2014 18:41

Good luck. Thinking of you x

SnotandBothered · 02/04/2014 18:41

Dreadful way to discover anything. You poor thing.

FWIW I cod possibly forgive/come to terms with DH wanting to move out - permanently or temporarily - and taking the cowards way of planning it quietly and just going. I would (in time) be able to control my rage enough to accept that this is 'how they deal with things''.

But the vasectomy? No.

I could not forgive them for taking the choice to deny us the option of another without complete agreement from both sides.

I wish you strength.

Hissy · 02/04/2014 18:43

Another one here to hold your hand.

Sit down, letter on the table, point to it, say "speak" and then cross arms and don't say another word until your are told everything.

What a poor excuse for a man to do this. Even if this flat's legit, you have a right to know.

Make sure your access to joint funds isn't compromised by him.

Holly300 · 02/04/2014 18:48

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible day :( I hope that there is an explanation for the letter. Although, if he has really had a vasectomy without your knowledge, then that's unforgivable. I hope you get all the answers you need... Whatever the outcome, we're all here for you x

NotJustACigar · 02/04/2014 18:49

Try not to jump to conclusions but i know its hard. And if I were you I would have a glass of wine (just the one small one) to calm your nerves a bit if you're confident you can stop at the one.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 18:50

Hope you are ok, OP x

MrsPixieMoo · 02/04/2014 18:53

You poor lady, I have read this and felt stunned. You must be feeling sick with shock. Thinking of you this evening and hope at least you get some answers x

cozietoesie · 02/04/2014 18:54

Yes. Hope you're managing.

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