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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband very angry

92 replies

sofj · 31/03/2014 23:58

My husband is angry a lot of the time, he says that having children is just drudgery and that he could have had such a better and more fulfilling life without them. He makes me feel guilty and stupid for saying that I prefer my life with the kids. He's just booked a surprise trip away for my birthday for 3 nights and when I said 'wow 3 nights', he got really angry and said I was pathetic and why wouldn't I want to go away for 3 nights. It's not that I don't want to but if I'm completely honest when it's bank holiday weekend on an ideal world I'd love us to be a happy family family spending time together. We've got two boys that are 6 and 4. Sometimes his aggression is exhausting, but then he can be lovely and caring again. The boys love him and so do I but I'm scared that this can never have a happy ending.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 01/04/2014 00:39

Are the dc's going with you?

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 01/04/2014 00:48

Why are you still married to him?

Lweji · 01/04/2014 00:48

On one hand, it is healthy to be able to let go of the children and to have couple time.

On the other hand, and more importantly, his anger is not good at all. Nor is the way he makes you feel.

Original poster
sofj · 01/04/2014 08:11

He's booked 3 nights away from the kids, they would stay with their grandma. I don't mind have a couple of nights away for a special treat, but I did flinch at 3 and that's what made him so angry. I said most mums would, he said they wouldn't and it's me being unreasonable. I wasn't saying I wouldn't do it just that it takes a second to get your head around. Is that so wrong? As I'm writing this I'm thinking maybe I do sound pathetic. I feel angry that he corners me into doing with things by saying mean things.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/04/2014 08:16

So your birthday present is some free time away from the kids for him. That's nice Hmm Of course you get to come along too. He was kind of hoping for a lot of shagging.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 01/04/2014 08:20

3 nights away, out of 356? I'd have jumped at the chance when DDs were small. They'll get to be spoilt rotten with their grandma, and you'll have a nice relaxing weekend with DH. Everyone happy (even you, when you get your head round it).

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 08:27

Do you think, Middleaged, that the because the OP is in a different situation to you, she might feel differently?

HoneyandRum · 01/04/2014 08:27

He sounds jealous of the kids.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 01/04/2014 08:29

Yes, I do. I am trying to point out that, if she thinks about things logically, that she might change her mind about how she feels.

Homebird8 · 01/04/2014 08:31

I said most mums would, he said they wouldn't

It doesn't matter about most mums think. It matters what you think and want.

Blu · 01/04/2014 08:31

I think it's reasonable and normal to leave a 4 and 6 yo with GPS they know and love, and I would have jumped at the chance. You love and miss your kids but that doesn't mean it is bad or wrong to leave them to enjoy a close relationship with other family members.

But: your H did not consult you. His behaviour is competitive with the kids for your attention. Hardly a seductive overture to a lovely long weekend away.

Have you had a calm honest conversation about all this?

It's possible you could benefit from couples counseling. It is important to have time together in your marriage. In truth have you focused on the kids and forgotten grown up fun and conversation? Is he being angry, bullying and controlling, or exasperated, lonely and desperate to save your marriage?

LittleBellaMummy · 01/04/2014 08:34

I think the problem here is his anger rather than the holiday.

I do know how you feel as I am currently living with a partner who gets very angry myself and we are coming to the point of separation.

Do you think there could be something more to his anger? Problems outside the home maybe?

Logg1e · 01/04/2014 08:50

MiddleAged Yes, I do. I am trying to point out that, if she thinks about things logically, that she might change her mind about how she feels.

But that implies that not wanting to spend three days on a holiday she hasn't chosen, with a man who is always angry with her and wishes her children away, when she'd rather spend time as a family is because she's thinking illogically.

DrankSangriaInThePark · 01/04/2014 08:56

It's perfectly normal, if both partners want it, to leave the kids with the grandparents and go and fuck themselves silly for 3 days.

What is not normal is the fact that here we have a father who wishes his own children had never been born.

And that, for me, would be the breaking point. Are your children on eggshells around him by any chance?

mammadiggingdeep · 01/04/2014 09:01

I would have flinched at 3 nights too.

Anyway, it doesn't matter- he has booked the time away for him and you say he's aggressive. Aggression is not ok. Making you feel silly is not good. You're entitled to feel any way you want.

MagnaCharge · 01/04/2014 09:08

I am another who wouldn't want three nights away from my children (I wouldn't like one to be honest), but that is a side issue here.

I would be very concerned if my husband wished we hadn't had the children.
I wouldn't be with any one who made me feel guilty and stupid for any reason. The fact it is because you enjoy your children, children you created together makes it worse.

I am not going to say LTB, I don't think anyone on an anonymous forum can tell you that based on what you have said, but I am afraid I agree with you wear you said this cannot end well.

maleview70 · 01/04/2014 09:08

Most men wouldn't be able to grasp why you don't want to leave the kids for 3 days. Most men would not have any problem with leaving them for that long.

His anger is the problem.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/04/2014 09:10

"Sometimes his aggression is exhausting, but then he can be lovely and caring again."

This really isn't about a bank holiday weekend is it? It's the exhausting aggression and his being angry a lot of the time that is the problem. No-one should have to live with a bully.

Sorcha1966 · 01/04/2014 09:13

I would bite you hand of for 3 days away with my DP, but when I was married I didn't want to spend away time away form the children. This was because I didn't like my then husband. not because I didn't want to leave the kids ( I see this in retrospect)

Branleuse · 01/04/2014 09:15

sounds like he misses your old relationship, and its coming to crunch point very soon if you dont have a serious talk and compromise.

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:15

He wants to take you away for 3 nights. He's made childcare arrangements.

Yeah, LTB. Ungrateful pig that he is. He wants a bit of your undivided attention - the cheek of some blokes. He's trying to establish an adult relationship with you somewhere private. Honestly, some blokes are just the limit sometimes.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:17

sofj,

Why are you actually still together?. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

If you think about it some more you may come to the conclusion that his nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Now he's back in the "nice" phase by proposing a 3 day break but he got angry at you for saying that you wanted to spend family time together. Basically this is all about what he wants.

What is this man like to people in the outside world?. I would presume he's "lovely" and puts on an act of sweetness and light to any and all outsiders. If he can control himself in the outside world then he is mainly taking out all his anger on you and the children instead. That then becomes a power and control issue. If this is indeed the case I would seriously consider your own future within this relationship because it really has no future.

If counselling is considered go on your own and do not involve him at all. He won't likely want to attend any sessions anyway because he is thinking that he is not doing anything wrong here.

Amicus1966 · 01/04/2014 09:17

I would go and use that time to talk about his anger issues.
Parenting is hard sometimes and we all feel a bit pissed off along the way, but his attitude towards being a parent sucks.
Use the 3 days to talk about it and then decide if you still have a future together.

isitsnowingyet · 01/04/2014 09:17

maleview70 I disagree, I think lots of men would understand why you wouldn't want to leave the kids for 3 days.

I do agree when you say his anger is the problem. It probably wouldn't be a pleasant 3 days for the OP when he so quickly calls her 'pathetic' over a minor matter that could be discussed rationally as adults if he had tried.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:22

This 3 day break is for his sole benefit (he likely expects lots of sex from this time also) because he has told her previously that he could have had a better life without children. He's angry also because OP is not dancing to his tune; she was supposed to agree with his solely made decision. His anger is also another big problem within the relationship.