husband very angry

[sofj]

My husband is angry a lot of the time, he says that having children is just drudgery and that he could have had such a better and more fulfilling life without them. He makes me feel guilty and stupid for saying that I prefer my life with the kids. He's just booked a surprise trip away for my birthday for 3 nights and when I said 'wow 3 nights', he got really angry and said I was pathetic and why wouldn't I want to go away for 3 nights. It's not that I don't want to but if I'm completely honest when it's bank holiday weekend on an ideal world I'd love us to be a happy family family spending time together. We've got two boys that are 6 and 4. Sometimes his aggression is exhausting, but then he can be lovely and caring again. The boys love him and so do I but I'm scared that this can never have a happy ending.

You seem to have a problem with cog, GP. Why don't you keep it off other people's threads ?

heh

Can you tell us any more about the anger OP? What is he like day to day?

Is he the quiet stay out of the way type or snappy maybe?

Does he ever show his disinterest infront of the DCs?

I'm trying to imagine how I would feel in your position and I think it'd be that he's said he doesn't care for family life and then organised a trip to lure you away from that family life. I wonder if, by you agreeing to it, it feels as though you're validating his feelings, which are unacceptable to you?
Is that what you meant by feeling disloyal to the kids? Or was it the need to defend them?

Op I'm not going to comment on the aggression as you've been asked for examples and so far have not given any.

You've said your self that he wants more time with you and that you respond to this by spending more time with the kids. I would be very hurt if I went to the trouble of organizing a weekend away and got that response. I'd also be very upset if I told my spouse I was unhappy and they responded by telling me to leave.

It's perfectly possible to both be a parent and still have a marriage. I agree with a previous poster who said you seem to be using the kids as a buffer between you and your husband.

When people don't have strong arguments they resort to personal attacks.

Lweji, I've reported your post

Why?

It was clearly about the husband.
Read the OP.

:)

You are very right to be upset Buffy. It's terrible to be ignored. :)

Hey OP, been there done that. H was so jealous of my relationship with the kids - he got ridiculously territorial about me and about his 'rights'. He started insisting that he had his own chair and the kids couldn't use it for example. Days out and family meals were a minefield. Part of his issues were his own childhood and his inability to understand HOW to be a good parent. The kids and I ended up on the other side of a divide from H. We'd spend most of our time apart. I ended up with depression and I belive it was in part down to the stress and unhappiness of the situation.

Child no 3 (unexpected) was the catalyst for this. Until he was born we were doing pretty well all in all.

I understand completely about the polarization effect of this - the more angry he becomes the less you want to be with him and the more you feel obliged to defend the children. TBH faced with a stroppy angry man and cheerful openly loving children there is't much contest. 'Being nice to H' became a chore.

But guess what? He had an affair. Not saying this to make you feel pressurised into changing anything because it takes two and IMO he needs to change more. But it is important to communicate about this, now and as openly as possible.

I didn't think I was doing anything wrong - I was being a parent to OUR children and I expected him to join in enthusiastically. It never occurred to him that he would resent my energies being directed towards the children. I thought being a loving mother to his children contributed to being a loving wife. It would be that way for me - when he loves my kids I love him most of all. I think for some men, maybe most, that simply isn't true. It doesn't count.

Could you try MC. I wish I had years ago. You have a problem IMO, just as I had.

mentions irony in passing

My husband is angry a lot of the time, he says that having children is just drudgery and that he could have had such a better and more fulfilling life without them.

This bit. He's a tosser, and I wouldn't want to go away with him either.

A man this jealous of his DCs would turn me right off. I couldnt have him barking behind me in anger, no way. Having DCs is drudgery? I do hope it all stays fine for him and that when he's old and grey the DCs who caused his drudgery will deign to visit him - IF he's lucky. You're a family now, he is not young free and single. Thats life. A natural progression. He needs to grow up and man up.

Yes 3 days away is lovely but not with an angry man who you know deep down inside sees your DCs as 'in the way'. Were it not for that OP, you would be happy at this little break just the 2 of you together. Awful, mean man resenting his DCs in this way. Rude to you as well. Tell him how you feel about all this and why - good luck with being able to get a word in. Based on his reaction when you tell him, take it from there and ask yourself if you - and your DCs, I might add - can live with his attitude in years to come.