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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband very angry

92 replies

sofj · 31/03/2014 23:58

My husband is angry a lot of the time, he says that having children is just drudgery and that he could have had such a better and more fulfilling life without them. He makes me feel guilty and stupid for saying that I prefer my life with the kids. He's just booked a surprise trip away for my birthday for 3 nights and when I said 'wow 3 nights', he got really angry and said I was pathetic and why wouldn't I want to go away for 3 nights. It's not that I don't want to but if I'm completely honest when it's bank holiday weekend on an ideal world I'd love us to be a happy family family spending time together. We've got two boys that are 6 and 4. Sometimes his aggression is exhausting, but then he can be lovely and caring again. The boys love him and so do I but I'm scared that this can never have a happy ending.

OP posts:
TheBookofRuth · 01/04/2014 09:25

Yes, GhettoPrincess, how dare the OP expect her wishes and preferences to be considered by her partner, and not to have to deal with his anger when she doesn't immediately fall in with his plans?

DH and I recently considered a weekend away just the two of us before DS arrives. My DM would have happily taken DD and she would have been quite happy with her. We decided against it because we both felt that, actually, we would miss her, and that our family time at weekends is precious to us.

Some men actually like their children and want to spend time with them

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/04/2014 09:26

@GhettoPrincess and Branleuse.... missing the point by a country mile. Hmm

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:28

Would these three days be a good time to talk ? To establish/talk through issues ?

So, why are you trying to side step this ? Really ?

Part of his anger may be frustration. He wants to be a man, a husband as well as a Dad ? Do you no longer meet each other's needs ?

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:29

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:33

I do not think this man, now that he is a dad, wants to be a dad at all.

I refer to the OPs initial sentence in her first post:-
"My husband is angry a lot of the time, he says that having children is just drudgery and that he could have had such a better and more fulfilling life without them".

That is also a big problem as well as his anger issues.

The 3 day break was what he solely wanted; it was decided by him and for his sole benefit.

If he wants this break then he can go on his own, you sofj do not have to go along with him.

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:33

The rampant man hating that goes on, on Mumsnet really stinks.

Go on, someone call me an enabler or what ever the psychobabble phrase is these days.

Cinnamon2013 · 01/04/2014 09:36

In my experience this kind of anger does not go away by itself. It will hurt you all in the long run. I'm sure you do all love him (as did I my dad, and ex) but when you are dealing with aggression that love can become a trap and you are weakened by the treading on eggshells - these men shift boundaries so that you can never fully predict what will make them angry. I wish I had other advice to give, but I resolved the situation 100% by leaving. I'm sure Relate would be v helpful though if he's open to that. Do think of the effect on you - this stuff destroys your self-esteem bit by bit and you get less capable of improving the situation, not more.

Cinnamon2013 · 01/04/2014 09:38

In reply to post above about man-hating - I don't agree...what I say would be exactly the same if poster was a man talking about his wife... Aggression, not gender, is the issue

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:39

GhettoPrincess

Who is this 3 day break for; who gets the most benefit out of that?. The OPs H does. What is normally a nice thing to do is not the case here because he called his wife pathetic for wanting instead to spend time together as a family unit. He was expecting his wife to say, "lovely" and not go against what he had decided. This man also states that raising children is drudgery and he could have had a better and more fulfilling life without them. That is also a problem, quite apart from his anger issues.

It is not man hating to call the OPs H a bully because that is what he really is.

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:40

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GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 09:44

Still, I've committed the cardinal sin of standing up for, 'the enemy' i.e someone born with a penis. They have neither feelings nor needs, sorry, I was forgetting.

MagnaCharge · 01/04/2014 09:46

ghetto
You are focusing on the wrong thing, the weekend away is a side issue, it really is.

The OP is subject to aggressive behaviour from her husband. This is a problem whatever the reason behind it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2014 09:46

The 3 nights proposed break is still solely for his benefit because he is really only thinking of his own self.

I still think that this bloke appears to be very much plausible to all those in the outside world. If that is indeed the case, then his children and the OP are the sole focuses of his anger. Its not about the 3 nights away, the problems here lie with him and his attitudes towards his wife and children.

K8Middleton · 01/04/2014 09:57

He is not wrong. Having children does rather clip your wings and it can be a miserable time for some parents. But you are not wrong either for feeling as you do either and it really does not matter what other mothers think, only what one mother, you think.

The only issue I can see is that there needs to be a mutual respect which appears to be missing. Aggression towards your partner is not ever acceptable. Expecting your partner to feel exactly as you do on all topics is not acceptable. Had he always been like this?

LoisPuddingLane · 01/04/2014 09:58

Having kids is drudgery, by the way. It's also great and hugely rewarding, and it opens up a love that was never there before. Wishing for a life "without them" is not very nice.

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 10:02

A life without them might have been an off the cuff remark. Borne out of desperation to get OP's attention. Her sneering at his booked and paid for, childcare sorted, 3 days away might have been very hurtful.

Is OP hiding her feelings and sidestepping the issues ? Blokes get crucified for this kind of behaviour. Women get praised for it. I accept this site is skewed in women's favour but just sometimes it is just to much.

K8Middleton · 01/04/2014 10:02

If I'm very honest, while I love my children very much, I know that I would have had just a happy life without them. A different, but equally (and definitely more hedonistic) happy life.

However, i had to have children to find that out and the pain of not having wanted children might have changed things? One thing is for sure, pining for the life you don't have is deeply unhealthy.

lottiegarbanzo · 01/04/2014 10:03

Do you want to spend three days away with him? Will he be making every effort to make the trip enjoyable or relaxing for you? Or will he be stroppy, angry and put you down if you don't want to do what he wants all the time?

Do you really want to be in a family with this man, or with some fantasy idea of a husband and father that he doesn't fulfil?

What does your answer to that tell you about your expectations, his, his behaviour, whether the two could ever be reconciled and what the alternatives (being a single parent, finding someone else) might actually be like?

You need to be comparing current reality with realities not fantasies, then thinking about how you move from one reality to a better one.

I do think that wishing children had not been born is game over for any family. Telling the children he thinks this would be seriously damaging, unforgivable and a reason to create a lot of distance between them.

K8Middleton · 01/04/2014 10:04

We don't know the op "sneered". In fact there is nothing in the op to suggest that at all.

Smokinmirrors · 01/04/2014 10:06

My ex found life with the children drudgery too. He longed to have a life that was more exciting, more money in his pocket, to be able to travel somewhere on a whim and to go out for fancy meals without needing the palava of babysitters blah blah.

He used to do bloody annoying things at the weekends - hoover the car out for three hours for example - leaving me to hold the baby. He would organise something that he insisted was going to be lovely for us...like a barbecue...then spend hours and hours preparing food, drinking wine, pinny on, listening to his music, getting the barbecue ready, positioning it right, all the while ignoring me and the baby. ie, he had a great time while we were ignored...

Then when I got frustrated and upset - so that by the time the food was ready to be eaten, say, I didn't WANT a flippin barbecue any more, or a curry that he had taken 7 hours to make, or to watch a film he had gone out to pick up and taken two hours to choose - well, then he would go into a huge angry huff and sulk. Eat in silence, watch the film on his own in silence (usually a violent action flick like Kill Bill bleurgh.)

It was horrible.

In the end he fucked off one day and never came back.

He went somewhere abroad and has no contact with the children at all and pays no maintenance.

He's on FB living his dream - pics of him in expensive clothes at fancy restaurants and visiting places with white sand and palm trees.

He's a knob of the highest order and I am glad he's not in our lives as it was crippling, exhausting and miserable being with such a selfish, crap father and husband.

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 10:06

The remark, '3 days, really ?' was her reply to the time away. Especially as her attitude is, 'I'd rather have family time than relationship time' She's using the children as a buffer so she does not have to have one - on - one adult time with her husband. Then she wonders why his frustrations boils into anger.

antimatter · 01/04/2014 10:06

if he chosen better career where he would earn enough to pay to have someone to take care of that drudgery his live would be much happier

what's stopping him?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 10:08

GP taking your viewpoint onto another step, if this bloke were to have an affair would you consider that to the OP's fault for prioritising the dc over a grown man ?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2014 10:09

to be

GhettoPrincess · 01/04/2014 10:09

Sorry, 'wow, 3 nights' was her actual reply. No, thanks love that's great. Or thanks that's a lovely surprise. No, just, 'wow, 3 nights'.

THEN SHE WONDERS WHY HE'S ANGRY.

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