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Original poster

Should I reply to the OW?

44 replies

PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 16:55

I found out about 6 months ago that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. The girl in question got in touch with me on Facebook. I posted on here (NC'd since then) and everyone quite rightly told me to LTB.

I didn't LTB.

A few days ago she got in touch again. It was quite a bitchy message 'I shouldnt think myself that special' etc. Her main point seems to be that she has known him for years and he has always cheated etc etc. In the last month he has been using Last FM to leave cryptic comments which she feels are intended for her - thus carefully circumnavigating his way around the promise 6 months ago that he would never contact her again. Basically he can say he didn't contact her, but he was clearly pretty sure she was watching all his online profiles and was trying to get a message to her.

Now obviously, there is clearly a screw loose in my head that I am not just getting rid of him, blocking her and moving on, and I need to figure out why the hell not. But should I meet her? should I reply to her?

There is probably more to say, but I am torn between not wanting to drip feed and not wanting to write War and Peace...

OP posts:
DrankSangriaInThePark · 31/03/2014 16:56

No you shouldn't.

But you should, perhaps find out if he's still fucking her.

MorrisZapp · 31/03/2014 16:59

You already know the answer to this one. The issues you're having are between you and him.

She sounds unpleasant and as if she actively wants to hurt you. She is nothing to you. Sort this out with your boyfriend.

Are you trying to 'win' this, do you think?

Preoccupied · 31/03/2014 16:59

Out of interest, have you asked him why he is leaving messages on Last FM for her?

Bornin1984 · 31/03/2014 17:01

Why are you still with him? Sounds like the trust has gone

defineme · 31/03/2014 17:03

I take it you've been tested for stds?

Such a grubby sounding man.

Why do you think so little of yourself?

Funnyfoot · 31/03/2014 17:04

Don't reply & don't meet her.

Sit down and have a serious think about is this how you want the rest of your life to be.
Will you ever trust him?
Will you always be questioning everything from online profiles to looks from other women?

Are you with him because:
He is amazing and makes you feel happy and confident everyday?
You have low self esteem?
You don't think you will find anyone else?
You will be lonely?
You trust him?
You're scared?

I hope you make the right decision for you OP.

Twinklestein · 31/03/2014 17:06

You don't owe her anything, but I would check his FB comments to see if what she says is true, or if she's just fantasising.

I would also dump him, but that's me. No relationship is worth this kind of nonsense, first he cheats, now you have to deal with his ex, it's just going to run and run...

Original poster
PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 17:19

Why do I want to meet her...

  1. I'm curious to meet her - almost a morbid curiosity. 2) I'm angry that she can just send me bitchy messages and I have to just rise above it and take it. 3) I think as well it is an avoidance strategy, that keeps me away from making a decision I don't want to make about him.

Why am I still with him?

Who the actual fuck knows.... I can't trust him. We never have sex. I haven't yet identified what it is that keeps me in this (though it certainly isn't the first time I have stayed with someone who treated me badly). After being distant with me for a month he is now being lovely since she got back in touch - talking about holidays, moving in together, buying me flowers. I get suckered back in, and bizarrely, I don't want to hurt him.

In other parts of my life I am relatively sane, believe it or not.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 31/03/2014 17:23

You need to see a counsellor, this man is so bad for you, he's hurt you and is still hurting you, that's not love and you should wake up and smell the coffee, the OW sounds as bad as your OH, you should send her a message telling her to come and get him so you can have a happy life.

ajandjjmum · 31/03/2014 17:24

Don't let him hurt you any longer.

BuzzardBird · 31/03/2014 17:26

You don't have to receive messages off her though...block her.

You need to end it with him, he is using you and sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle for my taste.

Do better for yourself, please tell me you don't have DC's with him?

MirandaGoshawk · 31/03/2014 17:28

No, don't contact her. Why lower yourself? She will know that she has got to you. Why would you want to meet her - so that she can taunt you?
I would, though, have it out with him. No doubt he is thrilled that two women are 'fighting over him'. I hope you have the courage to tell him to either f-off with her if he wants to or for him to tell her to leave the pair of you alone as you're happy, their affair was a mistake, etc.

You have to value yourself more than this.

Original poster
PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 17:35

It astounds me that I do this. I just cannot understand myself. It is like this is my comfort zone with relationships - and something very deep down inside me resists leaving.

I know you are all right, I knew everyone was right in October when it happened before. I swore that if it happened again that would be it. Yet, the anger fades and before I know it it is months later and I am still there - waiting for the next thing to happen so that can definitely be it.

Right this minute he is trying to persuade me to book a holiday. I am saying 'I don't feel able to make plans like that' - and he just isn't listening to that, saying we need to buy now or tickets will sell out. And it is just so easy to go along with it. After all, this is what I want - the romance, the plans.

And I know, I know, I know that this is crazy - and if it was anyone else on here saying this I would be responding in exactly the way you all are. And yet.... I don't change my very, very, very well-worn pattern.

OP posts:
Original poster
PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 17:36

No DCs btw.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 31/03/2014 17:41

But the 'romance' is worth nothing if he's cheating - or at least trying to. It surely isn't a coincidence that he's started playing nice since she started messaging you?

Jan45 · 31/03/2014 17:42

What's the back story re his affair?

We all have our limits, you've just not reached yours yet but you have given him the green light to treat you like shit so can you honestly say his behaviour will change, in fact, if anything, it's going to get a lot worse. I hope you get to that limit soon cos you are completely wasting your time.

WeAreDetective · 31/03/2014 17:42

Isn't that what stalkers do? read 'messages' they think have been left for them to find??

Your DP has created this situation so your trust issues are an important issue.

But do not respond to this woman and if she contacts again consider calling the police.

Original poster
PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 17:43

Definitely no coincidence - he knows she has contacted me and what she said.

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 31/03/2014 17:46

Well, if you ever want DC's then you are wasting your time with him because you need a very strong relationship before you consider DC. He would cheat on you again. You need to look at your life, you are wasting it.

Jan45 · 31/03/2014 17:47

And funny how the OW classes him as always been a cheat, possibly inadvertently giving you good advice there!

jonicomelately · 31/03/2014 17:50

I mean this is the nicest possible sense OP but grow up. This sounds like the sort of relationship that's just about acceptable in teenagers. Fgs do not get pregnant. Do not inflict this ridiculous situation on innocent children.

Original poster
PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 17:54

The back story (which has been drip-fed to me over the last 6 months - always not quite enough detail to push me over the edge) is that she and him have known each other for 6 years, and he has cheated on at least one of his past girlfriends with her, and this was several times over a long period.

With me it turned out that it was for the first 10 or so months we were together that he was still periodically visiting her (she lives in another city). This included spending Christmas and New Year with her and telling me he was at home with his family. She didn't know about me either.

(Those of you who haven't completed given up on me yet - please don't yet!)

They seem to have a pattern of being in and out of contact. He is now saying exactly what he said before - that there would be no more contact, that he wants to be with me - that he just needs to tell her that's it.

Holy hell - I feel absolutely ridiculous writing this. But it is all true.

OP posts:
RaRaTheNoisyLion · 31/03/2014 17:58

Write back to her. Tell her he has given you a host of STDs and she is welcome to him. Then delete her contacts and his, change your locks and find a new, confidence-building hobby where you have a chance of meeting someone worthy of you.

Smokinmirrors · 31/03/2014 18:02

I don't understand why you're using the words 'leave him' when you don't live together Hmm

You wouldn't be 'leaving him'. You would just be dumping him.

You need to have a long hard look at why you are willing to accept such horrible treatment.

How old are you and what is your family background? Are you parents still married? Are you modelling your mother somehow?

Very sorry OP but a PP is totally right...if you want children one day this is not the man to be having them with. You are wasting your life letting him dick you and myriad other women around.

RaRaTheNoisyLion · 31/03/2014 18:03

So what if he wants to be with you? So what? You shouldn't want to be with him.

You are completely wasting your time and you'll have to leave him sooner or later. Sooner means self-esteem in tact and the chance of finding someone else. Later means becoming bitter and miserable and having much less time to invest in and enjoy a grown up relationship.

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