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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I reply to the OW?

44 replies

PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 16:55

I found out about 6 months ago that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. The girl in question got in touch with me on Facebook. I posted on here (NC'd since then) and everyone quite rightly told me to LTB.

I didn't LTB.

A few days ago she got in touch again. It was quite a bitchy message 'I shouldnt think myself that special' etc. Her main point seems to be that she has known him for years and he has always cheated etc etc. In the last month he has been using Last FM to leave cryptic comments which she feels are intended for her - thus carefully circumnavigating his way around the promise 6 months ago that he would never contact her again. Basically he can say he didn't contact her, but he was clearly pretty sure she was watching all his online profiles and was trying to get a message to her.

Now obviously, there is clearly a screw loose in my head that I am not just getting rid of him, blocking her and moving on, and I need to figure out why the hell not. But should I meet her? should I reply to her?

There is probably more to say, but I am torn between not wanting to drip feed and not wanting to write War and Peace...

OP posts:

Original poster

PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 18:09

I know this may sound odd - but I don't lack confidence. I am not in a relationship for the security. I don't live in fear of being alone. I have a very good job, I own my own flat, have my own money. I have plenty going on in my life. I am not broody - although it is true that at 36 time is a serious factor if I decide I do want kids - but so far I have never felt a real urge.

So, what keeps me in this is not fear of being alone. I really think it might be a crippling people-pleasing quality which means the idea of telling someone no causes me genuine pain that I try to avoid at all costs.

Yes, I appreciate this might mean I need to grow up, but I don't think it is as simple as that.

OP posts:

maggiemight · 31/03/2014 18:13

It astounds me that I do this. I just cannot understand myself. It is like this is my comfort zone with relationships - and something very deep down inside me resists leaving

There is something in you that makes you accept that you deserve to be treated badly.
Also something that makes you think a lying cheat is what you are worth.
Something that makes you choose to stay with an ah.

I can't believe that you have absolutely no inkling as to why you would behave like this.
How was your parents' relationship?
How were you treated by your DF, did you feel you disappointed him or weren't as good as eg a sibling?
What was your childhood like?
You need to apply some of your own amateur psychology to this or go for counselling.

Quinteszilla · 31/03/2014 18:15

Do you need and enjoy the drama?

I can see no other reason why you dont dump him. It makes your life so much more interesting to have a stalking bunny boiler vying for your man.

Thetallesttower · 31/03/2014 18:20

Puffling I'm sorry but you seem desperate to keep him even though he's awful. You obviously do fear being alone, otherwise why would you want to be second-best for some not very nice guy.

I don't think it's a question of growing up, but you do need to be rather blunt with yourself, you are wasting the best years of your life, when you are healthy, happy, independent (and possibly wanting children or not, with him there is no choice) with a loser.

If you don't want to move on then I would accept this is the price you are prepared to pay to be in a relationship, I think it's incredibly high and that you will regret it enormously in another few years.

I wouldn't bother contacting the OW- unless you like the drama which is the only other reason I can think you stay in this situation.

Have you read 'he's just not that into you'? I know some people hate it but it helped my thirty-something friend move on from guys who just were not nice to her, repeatedly as she saw their excuses and reasons and so on as the rather silly explanations they were, and not some sign of a deep and meaningful relationship which mysteriously involves sleeping with other women (who also seem intent on repeating this 'we're so special' bollocks back to you).

Jux · 31/03/2014 18:24

Get yourself some counselling. There is indeed something deep inside you, but it is something you need to get rid of. At the very least find out about the Freedom Programme - ask your gp if there is anything like that in your area - and enrol yourself onto that.

RaRaTheNoisyLion · 31/03/2014 18:28

Perhaps you need to research 'enabling'.

Enablers think they have confidence, self-esteem and pride themselves in their martyrdom. And they are treated like shit.

Original poster

PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 18:32

Interesting RaRa - I'll take a look.

Thanks to all of you so far, I really appreciate the help.

OP posts:

jonicomelately · 31/03/2014 19:40

Honestly, Puffling when you're in the thick of a situation it can seem incredibly complicated, but it is actually really simple! Just extract yourself from this man. He's not worth your bother.

Springheeled · 31/03/2014 19:49

I remember your OP from before I think. Didn't he skype you and pretend he was elsewhere? That takes some level of deception.
What is so great about him?
I knew a man like this- an ex, who was stringing me along despite new gf. God knows what lies/omissions he was pulling on her (or pulled on me when we were together) it makes me sick to think of it.

Caitlyn2014 · 31/03/2014 21:03

Why are you still with someone who would reduce your life to this level of sordidness.

Original poster

PufflingMcGrumpus · 31/03/2014 21:20

Sort of Springheeled - he said he couldn't Skype because he was helping his brother. His brother was in another country.

It's almost laughable. Apparently he was posting this stuff on last fm as he was 'worried she was ok'.

He also told me tonight on the phone that this other girl must be more upset than me as he chose her over me.

Fucking hell.

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Springheeled · 31/03/2014 21:22

He really isn't nice. What's the hook?

RaRaTheNoisyLion · 31/03/2014 21:32

Do you LIKE upset?

You are better off with no-one at all than this life-sucking draining emotional leech.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/03/2014 23:44

Are you a little attached to the drama, do you think?

It fills a void and feels better than nothing when you're at a low ebb.

Jux · 01/04/2014 00:07

If you hang on to him, you will never meet anyone better. If you dump him, you leave ghe way clear for a man who will treat you with love and respect. Easy choice.

Original poster

PufflingMcGrumpus · 01/04/2014 00:16

I've been in the bath for 1.5 hours now - reading other threads and from them finding out about the chumplady blog- it is just what I need. There is no way back from here.

I know my words are probably frustrating to read - and we don't have kids or even live together. But this is still huge for me. I appreciate all the support.

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lazarusb · 02/04/2014 12:09

Are you going to end it now then? I hope you do. You sound nice and deserve so much better. He isn't going to change and he didn't really choose you over her - he's kept stringing her along all this time. The Last FM messages sounds as though he wanted her to know he still wanted her. I feel as much sympathy for her as to you, tbh. Despite her messaging you, he is manipulating and using you both.

Springheeled · 02/04/2014 17:12

Agree with lazarusb that this guy just wins and wins until either or both of you and anyone else he's stringing along just puts an end to it

JustSpeakSense · 02/04/2014 17:42

I have a friend who thinks she is confident and independent, she is in fact married to an absolute bully, an awful man who treats her badly (everybody sees it and is shocked by it) she is the most miserable woman I know. She says things like 'I don't lack confidence' 'I have my own money' 'I'm not afraid of being alone' etc too. I don't know who she is trying to convince because nobody is buying it....

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