Long term poster but frequent name-changer (sometimes for privacy but mostly because I'm mortified that I don't seem to learn my lesson after each posting about what a dick H is).
Pretty long history of ... let's say inappropriate relationships struck up by H. At least one admission of a long-term "emotional" (so he says) affair only admitted when I found a secret phone, several issues with finding inappropriate texts, lots of discoveries about inappropriate communications with various colleagues and some people known to both of us. I say this to set the scene - a couple of weeks ago, I was logging into fb on H's computer and noticed that when you put in the first letter of his name, an email address appeared which wasn't one known to me - definitely his because it had his first name and the first letter of surname. I brought this up immediately - I left him last year for a few months and came back on the proviso that everything would be completely open and he would answer any questions as I raised them.
He denied all knowledge of course and the next day, I found deleted photos in the recycling bin of the pc - of another woman, the same woman in about three different photos labelled "me", "me smiling" and one with some initials and random numbers. There was also one of him labelled "me". Last couple of weeks I've been going out of my mind trying to get him to tell me the truth. The email address was definitely not him, the photos were from spam emails he downloaded and somehow ended up in his downloaded items, no explanation for the photo of him.. blah blah blah.
On Friday night, I found a photo of him hidden in the depths of his pc - it was emblazened with the logo of a dating website and with very little digging, I found his profile although he had clearly removed the picture fairly recently. It said he was single with no kids and looking for a "sexy gentle charming lady on the outside naughty in the bedroom". Early Saturday morning he confessed the email address was his and when I made him logged in I found two emails each from two other woman (no reference to a dating website) and reference to him signing up to another website THAT WEEK. He'd deleted everything else including his sent items. I also made him log into his account at the dating website I found and looked in his sent items, at least 21 emails to other woman "You're beautiful" "so sexy" "can we hook up" and so on.
So now here I am. Stupid fucking twat that I am, I had no idea that my marriage for the last year has been a complete lie. I've been alone in bed whilst he's been doing this. Various protestations of love "I was only looking for photos" "They would only send you photos if you sent messages" "It's not like I had an affair". Every word that comes out of his shitty mouth is another lie. I can't even look at him. Yesterday he disappeared for four hours and came back full of how he was going to make it up to me. This morning he sent the kids up with mother's day presents - first time in fifteen years.
Now I've sent him on his way - not permanently but I just couldn't look at his lying disgusting face a minute longer. Luckily after last year, I formulated a plan, got myself a job (had been an SAHM for a couple of years) so now I can move out. He's also upped his game massively with the kids this year so I know that we can co-parent (sorry, wanky phrase I know) pretty successfully. He's been crying, on his knees, please don't leave me, I'll throw away the pc etc. etc. But I can't do this, I really can't. I'm so angry with myself most of all.
I can't call any of my friends because I don't want to spoil their mother's day weekends. anyway what would I say - that I was so repulsive to my husband, it wasn't enough for him to chase another woman, he had to go after anything with a pussy on the worldwide web. I can't phone my parents because they already rescued me once and I went back on the premise that I would make it work or stand on my own two feet (my words). anyway, my Dad was pretty much a serial adulterer when he was younger so I'm sure would have little sympathy.
So now I'm throwing myself at the mercy of MN once more. I KNOW I'm not overreacting but I just need to say it out loud (or type it). I am calm now he's not here but as soon as I look at him, I want to throw up. I'm living on sweet tea and the tears slip out when I'm not even thinking about it. The kids are being lovely and great and I'm managing not to fall apart in front of them. I'm just so gutted that I'm going to have to clean up his mess once again and five lives are going to be ruined because one stupid pathetic man couldn't control his disgusting urges and impulses. He had it all, he really did. Why did he throw it all away? 