I think it's finally over

[notoutingmyself]

Long term poster but frequent name-changer (sometimes for privacy but mostly because I'm mortified that I don't seem to learn my lesson after each posting about what a dick H is).

Pretty long history of ... let's say inappropriate relationships struck up by H. At least one admission of a long-term "emotional" (so he says) affair only admitted when I found a secret phone, several issues with finding inappropriate texts, lots of discoveries about inappropriate communications with various colleagues and some people known to both of us. I say this to set the scene - a couple of weeks ago, I was logging into fb on H's computer and noticed that when you put in the first letter of his name, an email address appeared which wasn't one known to me - definitely his because it had his first name and the first letter of surname. I brought this up immediately - I left him last year for a few months and came back on the proviso that everything would be completely open and he would answer any questions as I raised them.

He denied all knowledge of course and the next day, I found deleted photos in the recycling bin of the pc - of another woman, the same woman in about three different photos labelled "me", "me smiling" and one with some initials and random numbers. There was also one of him labelled "me". Last couple of weeks I've been going out of my mind trying to get him to tell me the truth. The email address was definitely not him, the photos were from spam emails he downloaded and somehow ended up in his downloaded items, no explanation for the photo of him.. blah blah blah.

On Friday night, I found a photo of him hidden in the depths of his pc - it was emblazened with the logo of a dating website and with very little digging, I found his profile although he had clearly removed the picture fairly recently. It said he was single with no kids and looking for a "sexy gentle charming lady on the outside naughty in the bedroom". Early Saturday morning he confessed the email address was his and when I made him logged in I found two emails each from two other woman (no reference to a dating website) and reference to him signing up to another website THAT WEEK. He'd deleted everything else including his sent items. I also made him log into his account at the dating website I found and looked in his sent items, at least 21 emails to other woman "You're beautiful" "so sexy" "can we hook up" and so on.

So now here I am. Stupid fucking twat that I am, I had no idea that my marriage for the last year has been a complete lie. I've been alone in bed whilst he's been doing this. Various protestations of love "I was only looking for photos" "They would only send you photos if you sent messages" "It's not like I had an affair". Every word that comes out of his shitty mouth is another lie. I can't even look at him. Yesterday he disappeared for four hours and came back full of how he was going to make it up to me. This morning he sent the kids up with mother's day presents - first time in fifteen years.

Now I've sent him on his way - not permanently but I just couldn't look at his lying disgusting face a minute longer. Luckily after last year, I formulated a plan, got myself a job (had been an SAHM for a couple of years) so now I can move out. He's also upped his game massively with the kids this year so I know that we can co-parent (sorry, wanky phrase I know) pretty successfully. He's been crying, on his knees, please don't leave me, I'll throw away the pc etc. etc. But I can't do this, I really can't. I'm so angry with myself most of all.

I can't call any of my friends because I don't want to spoil their mother's day weekends. anyway what would I say - that I was so repulsive to my husband, it wasn't enough for him to chase another woman, he had to go after anything with a pussy on the worldwide web. I can't phone my parents because they already rescued me once and I went back on the premise that I would make it work or stand on my own two feet (my words). anyway, my Dad was pretty much a serial adulterer when he was younger so I'm sure would have little sympathy.

So now I'm throwing myself at the mercy of MN once more. I KNOW I'm not overreacting but I just need to say it out loud (or type it). I am calm now he's not here but as soon as I look at him, I want to throw up. I'm living on sweet tea and the tears slip out when I'm not even thinking about it. The kids are being lovely and great and I'm managing not to fall apart in front of them. I'm just so gutted that I'm going to have to clean up his mess once again and five lives are going to be ruined because one stupid pathetic man couldn't control his disgusting urges and impulses. He had it all, he really did. Why did he throw it all away?

Red such a predictable story but always ALWAYS so painful.

Just coming back to this after sorting bedtime for kids and a long "talk" with H. Your story is painfully familiar to me Redroom - this is only the second time I've found explicit messages. The first was to one woman about seven years ago. In between there's been inappropriate things here and there but nothing sexually explicit.

There's been more victim painting tonight. Apparently I'm being too harsh - other people have affairs and secret children etc. He's referring to family members of mine btw. He wants three weeks to prove himself. He says three weeks isn't much to ask for 15 years together. He's going to show me how sorry he is. blah blah blah.

I just gave up in the end. He wasn't going to leave me alone so I just let him go on and on and on and sat silently for most of it. It just felt like a load of melodramatic emotional bullshit. He got drunk and waxed lyrical about how I mean the world to him. Yeah - of course I do, that's so obvious when you look at your husband's dating profile, isn't it? He won't let me go. He loves me too much to be without me. If I leave I have to step over his dead body. I said fine - drop down dead for all I care. He had the good grace to look shocked at that comment at least.

I just let him blow himself out - It hasn't changed my mind but I'm just so worn out by this bullshit. I know in my mind that this is it for me. No amount of emotional blackmail is going to change my mind. I can't look at him without thinking of those messages and the embarrassment he says he feels at having done it feels magnified by 100 when I think of the fact that I carried on thinking I was in a marriage with someone who was capable of doing that.

It's hard though. He seems to thrive on all this emotional turmoil and it's just a massive slog for me. I crave for the quiet life where my mind is still and calm and I'm not questioning myself or him all the fucking time until my head hurts from all the drama of it.

Sorry it's all a bit disjointed but I'm just sounding off 'cos it's the only place I can. I'm not sure I can do this. I mean - it's not as though I'm some pushover in real life. I have a good job and I come across as a pretty good arse-kicker myself. But when it comes to him, not so much. I just feel so weak and pathetic right now. Like a wrung out dish towel.

Joining the chorus of those wishing you well, OP. You gave it as much as you could, and he is the one who made the bad choices. That's a problem he has - not you. Stay strong and try and envisage how much better you will be feeling when this is done. You're doing the right thing by you and your kids. X

By the way - you are NOT being too harsh and don't even THINK about giving into his emotional blackmail x

Oh blimey, well done you for not getting into the drama with him.

But you can do this. You are looking at him with different eyes, he knows this and is trying to manipulate you because he knows exactly which buttons to press. You feel like you do because this marriage isn't working in your best interests and that isn't going to change, HE's not going to change but he'll do his damnedest to try and persuade you he will .

Come on not. If I could do this you can too.

By the way - the title of your thread I think it's finally over suggests you're still in two minds about whether this really is it.

Remove the doubt. Stop thinking. Act.

Urgh - its all words though.

Actions speak louder than words. His actions are not those of a loving devoted faithful husband.

If he was really sorry, he would be giving you space and time instead of pestering and badgering you.

The only way you can have peace is for him to get away.

I would focus on detaching - do NOT do anything for him like washing, cooking, shopping etc. Packing up stuff will also help reinforce the message that its over.

You've had lots of great support on this thread already. I just wanted to share a tip I have learned. When I have to hold things together, I think to myself "I will hold it together all week and on (for example) Friday evening I will allow myself to collapse in a soggy muddle, eat chocolate and drink wine and cry." It helps keep me going, and often by the Friday I find I no longer feel the need to collapse in a heap.

Best of luck x

I have to say, GO YOU! The anger, the betrayal that you're voicing are the start of a difficult road - but one that leads to much better places than this fraudulent marriage with this utter tosser!

I did want to say one thing - you speak a lot about embarrassment, about feelings of humiliation and rejection. You talk about being overweight and feeling unattractive. It's clear that your self-confidence has taken a terrible blow here. What I wanted to say, first and foremost, is that I think a lot of the women who have been in your shoes (and I count myself among them) feel that way at first. I thought my partner's affair was a reflection on me - a sign of my inadequacies. And I felt a crippling sense of social embarrassment about it. As a consequence, when my ex and I broke up, I didn't tell anyone about the emotional affair he'd had because I was so utterly ashamed. I also had the misguided notion that it was the 'classy' thing to do. What it actually did was to give him room to peddle all kinds of victim nonsense around our friends and even my family, who all flocked to support him on the grounds that he told them I was the one cheating (I wasn't).

So my advice is: tell your friends and family what happened, in a cold, factual way and take a screen shot to prove it - because their reaction will help you no end. You'll realise that you have no reason to feel embarrassed: he'll be the one left red-faced and looking like a total dick.

OP, I'm shocked that he is still trying to justify his actions by saying other people do worse. From what you've put, he is trying one tactic after another: defensiveness, then excuses, then apologies, then high emotion about him dying and suffering, then turning it onto you and whether you'll give him three weeks, then guilt because you're throwing away 15 years and not giving him a chance...it must be exhausting for you. It's just so transparent. I'm still shaking my head in the disbelief that for years he's thought secret phones and inappropriate communication with other women were okay, he's now joined dating sites, and yet at no point does he seem to have been grown up and responsible enough to consider the effect of any of this on you if you'd found out. I don't know him, so I could be very wrong here, but he almost seems a bit cocky that you'd respond like the first time, forgive him and he could go back to life as normal. I don't get a sense that he really grades the magnitude of what he has done. Big hug to you x

*grasps.

OP, I hope you don't let yourself be talked round his 3 week trial crap.

He promised to be faithful when he married you - he broke this promise (more than once) - there is no "trial period" for good behaviour, it is expected all of the time. He sounds like a kid who wants to have his reward for good behaviour. Pathetic.

Do go ahead with your plans. They sound good, you deserve so so much better!

Maybe do something for your self esteem if you even remotely entertain the idea that you being overweight gives any justification to his adultery.

As for the "other people do worse stuff" you can tell him other people make their own choices, he made his and now has to face the consequences.

Good luck and stay strong.

PS don't engage with him at all. He will create so much drama to make you doubt yourself. But he is in the wrong. No amount of drama will change that.

Thank you all so much - you have no idea how much your kind words are helping all round x

He had another go at changing my mind this morning. He actually got down on his hands and knees and kissed my feet. My lack of response prompted him to go and throw up and then sit lifelessly on the floor ....

It all leaves me cold tbh. As Redroom says quite accurately, it's all reading as just another way to manipulate me into giving in and yes, he's an arrogant bastard most of the time so his attitude is pretty much par for the course.

As to the 3 week trial - I can't understand what he thinks is going to happen in three weeks to undo the damage he's caused. Nothing's going to change and there's nothing he can do to make up for the fact that the life we built together wasn't enough for him. People who are happy in their relationships don't do this - I don't care what he says. He can't put me in the kids in a box and these women in another. When he told me he loved me last week he was simultaneously telling several other woman they were sexy and beautiful and could they hook up.

I'm ranting now sorry I'm just so angry at his lack of respect for me in refusing to honour my request to give me some time and space. I'm going to have to do that for myself, as per fucking usual. I came into work this morning - having cried all the way on an hour's drive - and burst into tears as soon as I sat at my desk. This is utterly shit. I'm going to email a friend and see if she'll have me overnight this weekend so I can get some space from him. Then I'm going to book off one of the week's of easter and take the kids away somewhere - don't know where yet. It'll have to be free 'cos we're skint but I'll find somewhere.

I'm taking the steps and drawing from all your strength. My self esteem is shot to pieces and yes, struggling you're right I will disclose the info to my closest friends. If nothing else, it will give me the perspective to know I'm not over-reacting. I haven't got any screenshots of the messages as I don't know his passwords. I only saw them because I made him log in and he's probably deleted them by now. I didn't have the foresight to take a screenshot of his profile when I found it. I did take one yesterday but by then, he'd already amended it to change his age to 92 and delete what he said he was seeking to "orange juice". It's all one big joke to him I think.

Right - I will stop rambling and try to apply myself to my work

Jesus.

Just carry on with your planning, and COMPLETELY IGNORE HIM.

He hadn't changed, he don't change, he isn't sorry, he hasn't had any sudden realisation- as you know.

He's just trying everything he can to stop you ending the relationship, because that will make his life harder. What he wants is what he has now- wifey and kids setup (tick) plus exciting single man ducking around (tick). Both of what he sees as the essential elements of a happy, selfish, exciting, utterly self absorbed life.

Live alone, do his own cooking and actually have to look after his kids on his own when he sees them? SHUDDER!!! No way! Quick, try EVERYTHING. Anything to stop her going!

If you let this go you will he back to square one.

You did exactly the right thing letting him rant on. Keep doing that. He's going to rant and cry and act out no matter what you say, so just don't bother. You've said all you need to. Keep your energy for sorting this out.

Financial details is the main thing- then it's sorting either getting him out or you leaving. Great if you can get away for a bit. Good luck.

Damn lots of autocorrect madness there!

Thanks Bruno - I love your user name. It reminds me of sitting in the sixth form common room with a transistor radio listening to radio 1 - Simon Bates, Bruno Brookes, Steve Wright in the afternoon!

Anyway, yes you're right - ignoring him is the only way. I'm just finding it hard because it's pretty relentless. Even when he's not speaking, he's sighing or fake coughing or pretending to be sick or this morning's trick, sitting on the floor as if he was in a coma. It just feels like this massive onslaught of "woe is me" and is so clearly designed as some pathetic attempt to take the focus off the fact that he is a MASSIVE WANKER...

Do you know the weird thing is that he is perfectly capable of looking after the kids on his own now. After I left the last time, he pulled his socks up and became the father I always knew he could be. I'd say he's alone with them more than I am. I often work late and sometimes come home after they're in bed. He does all of the cooking and even half the housework. He often takes all three out at the weekend to give me a break. He'd be more than capable so there's really nothing to be scared of from his point of view.

That's why I can't get my head around this. We just got to a place where we were finally a partnership. Why fucking ruin it unless it's not what you really want in the first place? I'm sorry - I know I keep asking the same questions. I suppose they're rhetorical because I doubt he even knows the answer himself but I can't help asking.

Urgh what a pathetic little wanker he is - glad you can see through his act. Its all part of the cheater's script

Shows how he is still NOT thinking of you - its still me, me, me - never mind how much he has hurt you and how devastated you must be.

The answer to your question is simply because he is selfish.

You're looking at it in the wrong way, though.

Having a fairly happy home life with extra shagging and dalliances on the side IS his idea of 'perfect'. Not ruined at all! Bloody great, in fact.

More than that, it's essential to him. It's what he's done time after time, and knowing that about him is your single biggest fact and why you know absolutely that NOTHING will stop him doing this. He can't stop. He would be unhappy if he did. He might try for a bit but he will never stop living as he does because it makes him HAPPY.

The thing that has spoiled it as far as he is concerned is you finding out about it, and more than that, you deciding to refuse to accept it any more.

That's what he is trying to prevent.

It's really important to get your head around it in terms of how HE thinks, I reckon. It will help you see that there is NO OPTION here to sort this so that you are happy. What makes him happy (and what he will always pursue) is what makes you unhappy.

You see : his actions = bad. They are: mistakes, weaknesses, impulsive destructive acts. If he could learn to curb the bad things = you would both be happy.

He thinks like this: my actions = fulfilling, exciting, pleasurable. They do not harm my wife if she does not know about them, because I'm not intending to leave her or hurt her. On the contrary, I've recently really started pulling my weight with the kids and she is really happy! If i spent all my time and attention on the other women, fair enough, but I don't - I always have my attention on her and tell her I love her even when I'm really het up by a new woman - I ALWAYS cherish her and she always comes first! There's no way I can do what she wants me to and stop- I just wouldn't be happy. I like what I have now - both types of life - and I want to keep it. She can't understand that the ONLY way for us both to be happy (and we ARE happy!) is for me to just do this and keep it secret. If she didn't know, there just wouldn't be a problem, because I'm a great husband. I MUST smooth this over, and be more careful next time.'

That's how he thinks.

Leave him as soon as you can.

Wishing you well, OP.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this unhappiness and upheaval because your husband is immature, selfish and devious.
I've just discovered that my "sorry with all my soul" husband, who decided to risk our marriage and family with an EA two years ago, is heading down the same road again.
He's trotting off the counselling because he thinks he's addicted to being addicted.
I'm waiting for him to become addicted to the counsellor, or to decide he doesn't love me enough to give up his sad act ways, and wondering how a friendless SAHM with no savings such as myself could have allowed this situation to occur - where I have so very few choices about my own life.
Good for you for getting into a situation where you can end the marriage if you have to.
Be strong and demand the best for yourself and your children.

Bruno - that paragraph you wrote starting "He thinks like this:" made me catch my breath. I do believe that is exactly what he thinks. It's frightening and devastating and yet I can see the logic and now everything he has been saying is placed within the context of that logic.

Why does that make so much sense to me? If I was reading this about anyone else, I would think the worst of them. But somehow reading this about H is just making me nod my head and understand him. What the actual fuck is wrong with me??

The same to you Shudders - and you being an SAHM or friendless (which I'm sure you're not) is not a reason to put up with this shit. The last time I left, it was for other reasons but I had no job and no prospects. I ran home to Mummy and Daddy and let them look after me. I was so scared (just like I am now) but I needed that time and emerged a much stronger person. You must find your own path to that strength - if you can deal with all the shit he's thrown at you and still cope with day to day life then you can find the strength to deal with putting yourself first for a change.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Put up with such shitty McShit wankers I mean? Another rhetorical question I think...

Sorry but I PMSL at sitting on the floor as if he's in a coma.

You're a very funny woman and he's not worth shit - a fact I suspect he's quickly beginning to realise.

Yes Bruno that's the best paragraph I've seen here for a long time. I have a crush on you now