The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

So sorry jesy . It hurts and it's horrible - I know the feeling. You just have to remember that it will pass.

I added in the sleep-induced with the long generic message, the optimist, the repeater and flora's idea looks good - thank you

Just feel dumb why would a good looking n fit guy want me
He obviously didn't .
I don't have any Fri e ends
A job I bloody hate and facing a weekend of sitting alone in one room

Im actually wondering why we bother even wanting to get a bloke! All they seem to do is mess about getting their ends away, and when got, they move on quickly to the next victim...

Would someone critique my OKC profile for me?

I'm really struggling this morning.

Just got back from the school run which I managed to do with tears rolling down my face (despite my best efforts) and now I can't stop.

After lunch the other day in which he reassured me everything was fine and said everything I posted at the time, I feel like (that might be the important bit, I think) he's not interested/I've hardly spoken with him again. We've texted a couple of times. I sent an email yesterday inviting him to something) which he hasn't replied to (but I know he will have read because he keeps his email open all day at work and checks it regularly) and when I was out we had a text exchange so he did reply to that.

I think this whole thing boils down to me just not feeling worthy.

Not worthy of being liked or loved
Not worthy of having a 'boyfriend'
Not worthy of not being cheated on
Not worthy of not being lied to
Not worthy of being respected

My big pathetic issue at the moment is the trip away. I need some new clothes but I can't afford expensive stuff so I've got a few Mantaray things in the sale, some stuff from Dorthy Perkins and a couple of pairs of sandals from Next.

What I'm really struggling with is that I'm going to a beautiful country full of beautiful people. How am I going to fit in there? I don't even feel worthy of being in the country!

We are going to be near the beach. I don't ever go to the beach. I might manage a day at Weston on the oil slick sand for a day trip every other year... but I don't go to the beach (the children go with their dad so they don't miss out). I tell people it's because I hate it, but actually I don't. I just don't feel worthy. What is that even about? I don't feel worthy of going to the beach. I'm not slim or attractive enough to go to the beach. I don't want to be on the beach with a man surrounded by half naked women who are slimmer and more attractive than me. How do I even get over that? He keeps telling me to bring my swimwear for the beach. I don't have swimwear for the beach!

I don't even know what to do. I've been out every night this week. I went out to a hobby I do on Monday, for the last 3 nights I've been playing with a band accompanying a show, and I'm going out tonight to a rehearsal I've been invited to. It's not like I sit around moping. But this is destroying me.

I think part of it is that I want to trust him but I don't. But not because of him, because of me. I'm just really aware now that in the past I've been 'let down'. And I've made bad choices without having any clue that they were bad choices - I was just operating within the parameters I'd been given. When I was let down, it sort of felt inevitable because that's just the way things were.

But now. Well now I've started to understand myself a bit more, what's led me to this point, what's meant I made the choices I did...

But if I make, what I feel is, a good/better choice and he turns out to be no different to the others then it will completely destroy me and I would never trust anyone else ever again. Everyone keeps saying 'talk to him' but I find it really difficult. He tried reassuring me at lunch, but I couldn't even really tell him what the problem was, I just couldn't speak. The counsellor said I should take a risk and try letting myself be vulnerable. But it feels a little bit like someone saying, "You are worried that if you stand on a train track for long enough a train will hit you. Well just go and stand on the train track and wait and see if the train does hit you"

Lucy PM me a link to your profile

I'd be happy to Lucy (if you'd want me to after reading all that!)

I'm not really unhinged! And my profile was pretty good.

I didn't really attract any of the really dodgy blokes (never had a cock shot at least!). And I helped another MNer tweak hers, and things did seem to improve.

That's my profile writing CV anyway!

Jesy The only thing to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on. Don't beat yourself up about the thing with your ex. I have a friend who says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else . Don't feel cheap either - he did it too, you know and in a way he took advantage of you being upset. This weekend, don't sit in by yourself, go and do something you fancy doing. It can be anything - take yourself to the cinema, go for a long walk in the park/countryside, go shopping, go for a run, have a swim, get your nails done, get some travel brochures and plan a holiday - there are loads of things you can do on your own that are free/cheap. If you really hate your job, browse some job websites and start to update your CV. Get yourself a takeaway and some wine or beer for Saturday evening, watch TV and update your OD profile. I do not want you staying in feeling sorry for yourself my lovely, do you hear?! That man was not worthy of you. Invest some time in yourself this weekend, then get back out there and find a man who does deserve you. Oh, and block or delete his number so you're not tempted to drunk/late night text him.

Lucy I'd offer but I'm not on OKC so I'm not sure if I'll be able to see it.

I spent a bit of time on POF last night and messaged two blokes. Both messaged back quickly. It turned out that I'd already messaged one about a month ago and he never replied, so clearly wasn't interested. I apologised and we had a laugh about it, wished each other good luck with finding someone and that was that. Exchanged a few messages with the other bloke then I went to bed. I had an email this morning saying he'd sent me a new message but when I went onto POF to read it, him and his messages have completely disappeared from my inbox, so I think he's either removed his profile overnight (unlikely) or blocked me (more likely ). Got to laugh, right?!

MCS text again last night. I do not know what this man is playing at. I haven't replied.

Hope everyone has a lovely day .

Oh Folk, I wish you could see what I bet everyone else sees. From what I know of you on here you are a great person who is very definitely worthy of being loved. I just want you to have an amazing time and let go of your anxieties. Keep up with the counselling and let yourself be happy.

folkgirl you don't sound unhinged! I know my head sounds similar some days.

I seem to only attract men with large beards. Which isn't a problem, just a strange observation. A lot of the men my age though are either anti-child or want to have their own children...which is problematic for me as I have three and very passionately do not want any more!

softkitty OD is just bloody strange.

Lucy - I will critique your profile too - although mine on OKC is nothing to write home about, but I have a profile on POF, DD etc. Am wondering if there are any normal men left out there, from reading all these posts - anyone watch First Dates? V funny!

Also....I wish there was something we could use to wash our brains - I need to get someone out of my head and he is there from the minute I wake up to the minute to go to sleep! Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

He texted this am to say hope we can be Friends your good company , I'd rather be mates than nowt, I even told him about kissing the ex lol
I got a DVD I want to watch so that's something , I am . Looking for another no. I took it as I was desperate I make minimum wage but I do a he'll of a lot for that, I used to earn ,25 grand a year so money tight. I mean yesterday I had a child throw his lunch at me scream for an hour bite the sibling burn myself lol
I only meet men thru online dating as well I'd never have nerve to go pub on my own and don't do any classes ext

Folk it's not necessarily your fault because you're feeling insecure. Don't blame everything on your unworthiness and insecurities. For the most part your radar seems spot on. TBH if I'd had the sort of talk and declaration of feelings from him that you'd had and then communication went back to the odd bit here and there I'd be mightily hacked off.

I've been single (again) for three weeks. I left him for a few little reasons where he wasn't meeting my needs. The sum of those little reasons was a big deal and made me feel insecure. His (in)actions made me feel insecure, not me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't suppress the good instincts about something not being right. If you need certain things from a partner to feel good then you need them and if they can't/won't provide it then maybe it's not meant to be. That's about compatibility not insecurities.

Perhaps you're right, Before.

I have a newish friend who told me he liked me the other day. I'm not interested in him, but maybe it means that I'm not in a position where no other man will ever be interested in me, ever.

I just don't know.

Perhaps I'm really naive. I'm not sure why he'd have made the effort/met me for lunch/done the reassuring if he wasn't interested, because he doesn't seem like a horrible person, he's got very nice friends. I'm clearly not going to be as easy going and laid back as him. When I tried ending it, he could have just let me go. Why would he bother with the hassle? He said he wouldn't be taking me to introduce me to his family and his oldest friends if he wasn't serious about me.

I just don't know.

Folk I think he probably just doesn't realise you still need reassurance after your chat. I'm sure he just thinks all is ok.

Folk did he allay your fears about the dating/social site you saw in his history when you met for lunch?

No Before but then I didn't ask him. It wasn't mentioned. He just talked about how he felt about me.

For most of the time, we just talked about normal stuff. To be fair, he did try starting a conversation about it a couple of times during the meal and I just clammed up. He gave me the reassurances afterward before he went back to work because he said he wanted me to go away feeling better, but we clearly needed more time and more relaxed circumstances to talk about everything properly.

dont I hope so.

He clearly is a lovely man in very many ways. I'm just wondering if our boundaries and expectations might just be a little different. And that this might only be becoming apparent/or important now.

He reassured me several times that he hasn't been on any dates and hasn't met up with any other women. And I think I do believe him on that. I suppose it would be a problem for me though if he was messaging women too, when he might not see that as a big deal and might not see it as any different to me chatting to strangers I have no intention of meeting on here.

I think that's my real worry.

but I don't know. When I'm with him for the weekend, he barely checks his phone. His email is open all the time and he doesn't have many, if any, new emails (I know he could have another account but given that I'm effectively no different to any other woman he's met, why would I have his standard main email address and why would he have given others a different special one? It's not like we live together or see each other all the time).

We do email most evenings and he doesn't have a smart phone, so he is at home. I think it's potential online activity that bothers me. Not RL stuff.

I'm probably clutching at straws but maybe me being unwell on Tuesday panicked him ,
He'd been so nice even to point of letting me know how to unlock his fone if anything happened to him
He offered to make me breakfast on Wed am , the day I had doubts etc
And is still texting me
I just want to go back to bed n shut world out ,
Sorry

To be honest Folk I do think you just need to get him to understand your need for reassurance in terms of his virtual world (which is probably non-existent) as it really matters to you.

My man wouldn't reassure me, didn't think he had to as he had never done anything wrong, but I feel the way I feel and I know that if the boot were on the other foot I would be very reassuring to a partner I loved. I'm not unworthy and my self-esteem is in good nick, we just couldn't agree on an aspect of our relationship that really mattered to me and was irrelevant to him.

I'm not trying to be a doom-monger but this is troubling you deeply and it keeps popping up in one form or the other.

FWIW your man sounds terrific but he needs to meet your needs and you can't blame everything on your sense of unworthiness. I think you need to take a deep breath and open up to him so he really gets it and understands you; easier said than done I know.

As for your other concerns - I'm half-French - spent many years there. We (the French half) come in all shapes, sizes and shades from bronzed goddess to pale and pasty. Out of four children I'm the only pale and pasty one compared to my swarthy Latin siblings. I go pink in the sun whereas siblings bronze at the first sight of a sun-beam... The funny thing is my French family and mates think I'm all peaches and cream and exotic! Channel peaches and cream thoughts as opposed to pale and pasty!

Jesy, he's messing with your head and not being fair to you. Don't let him.

Before I think that you're right. I think he would reassure me about his OL activity - if I gave him the chance to. He is quite open about things. I just don't think he has any understanding of how much it bothers me, I suppose. My ex was obsessive about his ipad and iphone and being on the laptop. He was very secretive about it and he was messaging women on extra marital affair websites.

You are right about needing to talk to him. I don't know why I find it so difficult! Well I do...

As for your last paragraph, I think I love you! . Yes, I shall channel peaches and cream. He has said he thinks it's really pretty how my cheeks go pink... I need to stop feeling inadequate, but I don't know how to!

I try to think of myself as 'pale and interesting'.

I turn into a giant freckle in the summer though.

It's just that, against all the bronzed goddesses, I'm not sure I have much to offer!