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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

URGENT advice pls - DP home in an hour

121 replies

HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 18:30

I'm shaking so much I can barely type. I am a long term poster but have NC'd (as DP knows my usual nn).

I found an email trail on the email account he apparently 'never uses'. The email goes as follows:

"Hi x

I love your photos. I am a businessman and I stay in nice apartments in x city centre.
What are your prices and are you free on xxx(date)?"

She never responded so he sent a follow up of:

"Hi
I'm not fat old or ugly!
Would be good to hear back from you."

She didn't respond to this either.

I don't know what to do. I am 9 months pregnant, gave up my career to study (as his business took off and I hated my previous job). We have lots of pets and are just about to complete on a house purchase. We are due to get married in June.

The email above was from a year ago (last April), before I was pregnant. I have desperately tried to find more evidence on the email account but there is nothing anywhere - everything has been permanently deleted. For some reason this email was one of only two in his sent items.

I am planning on sitting him down in front of the computer when he gets in and asking him to explain himself. I won't say a word - will just let him talk. If I wasn't pregnant I would leave him like a shot.

There's no way I have misconstrued the emails is there? This is really bad. I don't know what to do . Please help me x

OP posts:

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 14:50

Quite I tried paroxetine which my GP said was the only medication deemed safe when breastfeeding. Unfortunately it gave me raging insomnia. GP and I agreed that it would be worse for my mental health to have insomnia than not take the medication IYSWIM. Unfortunately DD is a colicky little monster so not getting the best sleep as it is . I love breastfeeding so really don't want to have to stop unless it was absolutely necessary.

NickiFury · 09/06/2014 14:52

Yes I would very seriously consider staying in your rented accommodation if possible. As far as I am aware you cannot claim HB for a mortgage, happy to be corrected on that. I know when I had my split in a HA property it was a LOT less stressful than married friends I knew with mortgages.

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 14:54

Matilda yes, GP agreed that stopping meds was the best thing.

DH is absolutely wonderful with DD. He adores her and loves looking after her. If she's crying for hours (colic) he's so loving and patient with her whilst I'm pulling my hair out. I have absolutely no doubts about his abilities as a father (just as a faithful husband )

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 14:56

Not sure if it makes things easier or more difficult, but we're buying the house that we are living in (and have rented for the last 2.5 years). This month will be our last rental payment, from next month the mortgage will take over.

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 15:01

Fatal If my daughter was in this situation I would tell her to leave and not look back, as she deserves better. God, the thought of any man doing her wrong makes me want to cry.

I guess he wasn't secretly accessing porn. He has watched it at night whilst me and DD were asleep, and whilst I was out the other day. If I had asked him he would have told me. He knows that I know he watches porn (we have watched the odd bit together in the past).

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 15:03

I just don't think it's fair that I keep punishing him for something that he can't change - he can't go back and not send those emails.

I feel like I should be making a definitive decision one way or the other.

Thank you for all of your advice so far.

NickiFury · 09/06/2014 15:07

Well, you absolutely need to do what you feel is best. I agree you should take your time to decide because you've been through so much. I think you might be back at this point again in the future, though I really hope not.

Writerwannabe83 · 09/06/2014 15:07

I'm new to this thread and have just read through the last few pages and now I'm confused as you've said you are entering into a mortgage with him?

Does this mean things are much better now?

Writerwannabe83 · 09/06/2014 15:08

Wow - lots of cross posts. Ignore my question

Thumbwitch · 09/06/2014 15:14

Are you upset that he's watching porn? Are you feeling guilty? Because if you are then you absolutely should NOT! Sounds like your bits went through the wringer and will be some time before they're fit for service again - and you should absolutely be able to dictate when you're ready (if ever). I'm not very good after having babies, my libido drops through the floor and I made DH wait at least 9m both times. Which, while he wasn't exactly happy to do it, he did without complaint.

As to whether or not you should have married him, well it's a bit late to worry about that! You were then, and still are, in a welter of hormones, which can affect your ability to think rationally (they really can) - so now is not the best time to try to change things.

I hope that your PND lifts soon. xx

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 15:16

Hi writer I remember you from the pregnancy board (I was under a previous nn). Hope all's well with your little one x

somedizzywhore1804 · 09/06/2014 15:24

Sounds pretty awful. I remember you from your original thread and completely understand why you married him but it sounds like you regret it... Do you?

Viviennemary · 09/06/2014 15:28

If it was a year ago I would just forget about it under the circumstances. What's the point in raking it all up.

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 15:47

vivienne yes it was a year ago but I only recently found out about it so it wouldn't be raking it all up. Plus, what he did has SERIOUSLY damaged my trust for him - I don't think it's something that can just be glossed over and forgotten easily (even if I wanted to).

CrepeFoofette · 09/06/2014 15:52

somedizzy I'm not sure if I do. Too confused.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/06/2014 16:14

Congratulations on DD! I remember your thread.

I don't know if your PND can be attributed to the upset you had back then. It would be surprising if you didn't have residual trust issues. Depression can fog our thinking so until you feel strong enough you can weigh up what your marriage holds. Physically you are a long way from resuming full intimacy although closeness isn't confined to intercourse. Even without a requirement for post-birth 'restructuring' (wince), caring for a newborn is so draining it's very common to feel "all touched out" ie you give all day, your body doesn't feel your own etc.

I don't personally think it's raking up to have the events pre-birth still foremost in your mind especially as H's got an excuse now for using porn.

Arguably you could accept he is a user of porn and establish boundaries; would that extend to sex phonelines, or even extra-marital sex? You may decide you can live with that IF you get the same privilege and respect from H. Just make sure he knows your limit so he can't pretend he thinks you give him free licence.

One last thing - it matters not what your weight or dress size is OP. If what happens in your relationship ever makes you feel under-appreciated or unloved, PND or not, voice that.

sykadelic · 09/06/2014 17:41

What about if you annulled the marriage and back-tracked your relationship a bit? Would you be okay with "starting over"? Maybe it would feel less rushed and urgent? Give you time to come to terms with everything and make a better decision?

I think if you felt less pressured to make the right decision you'd feel a bit better. It's hard to be intimate when you realise doing so would mean getting rid of your option for an annulment, your "safety net".

I'd talk to him about it, tell him you feel pressured and unsure and want to annul the marriage and start-over with trying to build the trust and intimacy again (when you can).

Daisychain5 · 09/06/2014 21:41

I don't get the whole MN thing about porn. Men are different animals to women, they need to 'empty their ball bag' to put it in a nutshell. If he's not getting sex at home then I would have thought porn is preferable to hookers, no? Personally I couldn't go near a man who had used prostitutes, but I can understand the why the OP thought she had no option but to stay with him.

Hopefully in time you'll find the strength to leave him OP, but in the meantime, let the man have a wank in peace!

onionlove · 09/06/2014 22:56

Hi OP i didn't see your original thread just wanted to say that i discovered my STBXH has been regularly seeing a prostitute over the last year, i discovered a text and i asked to see his bank records, he has admitted to this much but wont show me the statements so undoubtedly there has been more going on. Its immaterial as infidelity is a deal breaker for me, he's moving out in a few weeks to a new house in scared about how our little children will cope but i cant trust him and would certainly never want to sleep with him again. Its horrible i sympathise with you totally, could you ask him for access to bank accounts to find out either way, at least you would know. I wish you and your daughter luck honey x

AnyFucker · 09/06/2014 23:43

daisy I doubt that the op is remotely interested in how you "don't get" her being upset about porn, especially after you imply she doesn't deserve to be so mithered about something "lesser" when she has already forgiven the previous misdemeanours

that's not how "support" works, as it seems you were having difficulty with the concept

Daisychain5 · 10/06/2014 00:42

No difficulty at all with the concept. Just a different opinion to yours.

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