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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

URGENT advice pls - DP home in an hour

121 replies

HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 18:30

I'm shaking so much I can barely type. I am a long term poster but have NC'd (as DP knows my usual nn).

I found an email trail on the email account he apparently 'never uses'. The email goes as follows:

"Hi x

I love your photos. I am a businessman and I stay in nice apartments in x city centre.
What are your prices and are you free on xxx(date)?"

She never responded so he sent a follow up of:

"Hi
I'm not fat old or ugly!
Would be good to hear back from you."

She didn't respond to this either.

I don't know what to do. I am 9 months pregnant, gave up my career to study (as his business took off and I hated my previous job). We have lots of pets and are just about to complete on a house purchase. We are due to get married in June.

The email above was from a year ago (last April), before I was pregnant. I have desperately tried to find more evidence on the email account but there is nothing anywhere - everything has been permanently deleted. For some reason this email was one of only two in his sent items.

I am planning on sitting him down in front of the computer when he gets in and asking him to explain himself. I won't say a word - will just let him talk. If I wasn't pregnant I would leave him like a shot.

There's no way I have misconstrued the emails is there? This is really bad. I don't know what to do Sad. Please help me x

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 19:12

CrispyPork It makes me feel sick. Only yesterday I cried when I heard the song that we are due to have as our first dance, as I couldn't believe that I was so happy Sad.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 28/03/2014 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Linguini · 28/03/2014 19:14

Also, on another note- something must have lead you to look into his sent messages, you must have had some sort of hunch or instinct that all was not 100%.

Original poster
HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 19:14

Is there no way that he tried to do this once, got nowhere and gave up? I have no evidence that he has actually gone through with anything.

I feel so naive. I read a lot of these threads on the Relationships forum and I always want to scream at the computer at how naive the women seem sometimes. And now it's me. I can't quite believe it.

OP posts:
TwelveLeggedWalk · 28/03/2014 19:14

Personally I would do nothing tonight. I would say you are wiped out with the pregnancy, go to bed, and think on it. I would use tomorrow - and any more days you think you need - to do every bit of digging, sorting of finances and planning you can.

I would then handle this in a few days time once I had a game plan.

But huge huge good luck no matter what you choose to do. He's an utter cocklodger.

Linguini · 28/03/2014 19:15

Oh cross posted sorry

Quinteszilla · 28/03/2014 19:17

Did he include his phone number in the emails? Sorry, I would imagine she called him, or he deleted the replies.

Original poster
HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 19:19

Quinteszilla No phone number. It really doesn't look like she's responded.

OP posts:
sarahquilt · 28/03/2014 19:22

LTB

bluestar2 · 28/03/2014 19:22

I second twelveleggedwalk you have not had enough time to process this. Say nothing tonight and go on the hunt tomorrow for anything you may need, bank statements financial docs , proof of earnings. Not because you intend to definitely leave him but to arm yourself with the best info should you decide to leave him to protect you and your baby.
Please a headache and go to bed early.
So sorry this happened.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/03/2014 19:23

If I wasn't pregnant I would leave him like a shot.

He knew you were going to ttc, if he slept with anyone other than you, prostitute or not, how reckless would that be.

he has cheated on exes in the past (not with me!).
Sad I would really question that assumption.
Sorry OP.

bluestar2 · 28/03/2014 19:25

Donkey I think op means she wasn't the ow not he hasn't cheated on her

Original poster
HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 19:26

donkey and bluestar I meant it both ways!

OP posts:
myroomisatip · 28/03/2014 19:27

I agree witrh TwelveLeggedWalk Gain information. Make a plan. Get advice. See a solicitor, CAB....

Having information will give you confidence when you want to make a decision about your response, your future.

Knowing what I know now, it would be a deal breaker for me, but this is your life. Good luck.

KrevlornswathoftheDeathwokClan · 28/03/2014 19:27

I think its highly unlikely he was ready to go for this amount of contact and not done anything else. Sorry OP :(

Original poster
HelpMeRhonda84 · 28/03/2014 19:27

As much as i'd like to leave it until tomorrow (or whenever) he knows me so well he'll know something is up the minute he steps through the door.
The dog isn't well so I can't just go up to bed before he gets home.

OP posts:
Quinteszilla · 28/03/2014 19:27

But you have no guarantees that he may have phoned her, and others, upon realizing that she may not be responding to emails.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp · 28/03/2014 19:29

Quinteszilla, for me that wouldn't matter, clear intent is demonstrated

Cabrinha · 28/03/2014 19:31

I'm sorry, you poor thing.
Sounds like you have your head screwed on though.

I've been through this. I was desperate for it to have been "just looking". Believed him. Except I didn't, really. Then I was pregnant after 3 years TTC a miscarriage at 12 weeks and IVF. And found more evidence. I still tried to believe he was "only looking". But it poisoned everything. Every little thing he did wrong, I'd look at him and think "you disgust me". Then he didn't have to do anything specific - I just couldn't touch him because I knew he'd done it. And also I'd got to realising that even if he had "only looked" (you're sooooo going to get that line!) that was ENOUGH.

I mean - it's never excusable, but our husbands are/were doing this in the early years, honeymoon period, TTC, no problems! We were HAPPY. So really, what hope he's scene change?

I didn't leave, because of my daughter. I led a resentful, miserable half life for 4 years.

Then I found MORE evidence. He leant me his old phone, although the texts had been deleted the numbers and times still there. About 2x a month for the previous 18 months - the life of that phone.

And here's the funny bit... HE NEVER WENT THROUGH WITH IT!!
HA HA HA.
This time, I just shook my head, and said "even if you didn't, and you did, this is ENOUGH, we're done."

Oh, OP! I felt so light and happy! A year on, my daughter is settled with 2 homes and I don't spend every day despising myself for staying with him, being treated like a total mug.

Oh and for someone who just looked... Once we'd split he wasn't so careful with deleting any more, so I saw both confirmed bookings, and one weekend (we stayed in same house for 4 months) he had a prostitute round to MY house.

People do not "just look".

Steel yourself for the bullshit, and hold firm. Don't taint the wonderful days of your new baby dealing with his shit.

Like I said, I don't think it's excusable EVER, but this is what he does when the going is "good". You know what he thinks is acceptable now. Staying with him will just reinforce that he can get away with it.

I'm sorry, it is awful. x

Cabrinha · 28/03/2014 19:34

Just read that he's cheated on previous girlfriends.
I'm actually not one that believes once a cheater always a cheater. But I do think TWICE a cheater always a cheater.
And he HAS cheated on you now, with a prostitute.
Don't stay for me. Four YEARS I lost to my XH and his lies. It tears you up inside.

myroomisatip · 28/03/2014 19:35

Just say you are worried about your dog, you feel ill, coming down with something, make any excuse.

You do not owe him any explanation if you are 'off' with him really.

Hissy · 28/03/2014 19:37

Hope you find the strength to stay calm.

Remember say LESS, not more. Let HIM do the talking.

Or tell him that you are not in the mood for conversation today, and best if he leaves you be.

You can't marry him. You need legal advice re the house too.

Cabrinha · 28/03/2014 19:40

He didn't try once and give up.
He tried 3x THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT.
Really - how likely that he only did it once?

And this is the thing I can't get over enough... I did all this, minimised it for him - maybe it was only once. Maybe he didn't go through with it.

He said sorry. He didn't seem "the type" (although guess what - he'd cheated on a previous girlfriend...)

But the thing is: it's a deal breaker. Utterly. You were HAPPY. You'd been together no time, three years, planning a family... And yet he thought it was OK to sleep with a prostitute. That's why I'd advise you end it. It isn't about whether he contacted, or slept with one or a hundred. It's about him thinking it's OK to cheat on you. By making that enquiry you can see - he thinks nothing of it. He thinks it's OK to cheat.

Been there, lived the half life. I would hate any woman to go through it :(

FabBakerGirl · 28/03/2014 19:41

You said you would leave him like a shot if you weren't pregnant. That implies you will stay for the sake of the child. That is an awful lot of pressure on a baby and really not the best way to live your life and bring up a child Sad.

crispyporkbelly · 28/03/2014 19:42

:( oh, op. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this.