URGENT advice pls - DP home in an hour

[HelpMeRhonda84]

I'm shaking so much I can barely type. I am a long term poster but have NC'd (as DP knows my usual nn).

I found an email trail on the email account he apparently 'never uses'. The email goes as follows:

"Hi x

I love your photos. I am a businessman and I stay in nice apartments in x city centre.
What are your prices and are you free on xxx(date)?"

She never responded so he sent a follow up of:

"Hi
I'm not fat old or ugly!
Would be good to hear back from you."

She didn't respond to this either.

I don't know what to do. I am 9 months pregnant, gave up my career to study (as his business took off and I hated my previous job). We have lots of pets and are just about to complete on a house purchase. We are due to get married in June.

The email above was from a year ago (last April), before I was pregnant. I have desperately tried to find more evidence on the email account but there is nothing anywhere - everything has been permanently deleted. For some reason this email was one of only two in his sent items.

I am planning on sitting him down in front of the computer when he gets in and asking him to explain himself. I won't say a word - will just let him talk. If I wasn't pregnant I would leave him like a shot.

There's no way I have misconstrued the emails is there? This is really bad. I don't know what to do . Please help me x

It does not look good op

Hope you're ok.

If that's what he does when you think things are good between you, just think what he'd be capable of in a bad patch.

Hi everyone, been a manic day so sorry for being late back. Firstly thank you for the support - you've made me feel strong.

I comfronted him and he didn't deny sending the emails. He swore nothing happened with her or with anyone else. He said everything that you said he would say - he was just curious, he would never have gone through with it etc. Don't think I believe anything he's saying. He begged me not to leave him, said he's utterly committed to me and the baby. Knowing I am pregnant has put everything into perspective and he wpuld never jeopardise that now. Even if this is the case in the future, shame I wasn't worth being faithful to before the baby came along eh!

HOWEVER, the bottom line is this: I had a midwife appointment today and my previously low blood pressure is very high. Midwife was on the verge of sending me straight to hospital. This has all been caused by the stress of the last 24 hours. I can't risk damaging my health, or that of my baby so I have to not think about my relationship at the moment. I emotionally need and want DP at the birth too.

He is in the spare room and the wedding has been called off (my decision). I will think more about the issue and what to do once the baby is safely here. I need to put her first. I really need to not stress or think about this, so I won't be reading any more posts (if anyone leaves any after this). Just wanted to come back amd update you all and say thanks so much x

I think that the OP has made the right decision, but I wish she wasn't also cutting herself off from support here.

Good luck. We are always here, if you want to post in future.

OP, not going to PM you as given your step back from this thread, I think it'd be intrusive. But I think there's a chance you'll look on this thread again, so I just wanted to say... If you want to let off steam, feel free to PM, as you know from my earlier posts, been there, got the T shirt.
I totally understand your decision today.
Good luck to you xxx

Look after yourself OP.

Just in case you peek OP, good luck with everything, and I think you are making a very wise decision. Long term can wait until you are settled and you and babe are here and ok.

Hi everyone

I just wanted to update you on what has happened recently.

Firstly, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl 6 weeks ago. She's perfect and appears to have not suffered due to the stress I was under before (but the less said about the birth the better!)

I mentioned in my previous post that I had decided to postpone the wedding due to what DP did. In the post-birth loved up euphoria I decided that I wanted to try for us to be a family - so we got married. Just a very low key registry office do with two witnesses and the baby there. It seemed like a very good idea at the time.

However, I have had postnatal depression for the last month. I tried medication but had to stop due to side effects. I am sure that part of the reason for the depression was what my DH did by emailing the escort. I don't regret marrying him per se, but I'm worried that I could forever be looking over my shoulder and wondering what he's up to. Being two stone heavier than I was pre pregnancy I am not feeling my most attractive, and the postnatal depression has already but my feelings of self worth on the floor. Saying that, the other day I caught sight of some photos from around the time he sent those emails and I think I looked the best I ever have at that time - so I guess it doesn't matter.

Part of me really wants to end the relationship and share custody of our daughter - but I still don't know how I would cope with no money, no job and no home (saying that, our house purchase does complete this month). I could never rehome our beloved dog so that's just another problem to add to the list.

I'm sorry for rambling, guess I just need to get things off my chest. I'm feeling very confused and betrayed still. Does anyone have any thoughts please?

Oops just realised that I posted this from the wrong user name. Oh well, DH doesn't go on mumsnet anyway so it's fine

I think you have had a very tough time recently. You will not be left homeless or pennyless. You have to decide what you feel is for the best

You had evidence your then boyfriend was contacting prostitutes with a view to purchasing their services, but you went ahead and married him anyway.

Doomed

Oh, I should have said - due to a nasty internal tear and stitches we haven't consummated our marriage yet. So it would still be possible to get it annulled.

I am still tender so not ready to have sex yet - and part of me also doesn't want to whilst I'm feeling depressed and still betrayed. However, I was checking DH's internet history (yes that's what I've become) and I saw that he has been watching porn over the last few weeks. There's nothing wrong with this I don't think (I always knew he watched porn) but I guess after everything that has happened it touched a nerve.

Thanks for the kind post Tumbleweed

Don't be a dick tumble.

OP, I think it's quite understandable why you married him, given that you'd just given birth and clearly desperately wanted to make it work and give hope baby a family.

I've been through similar and my advice to you would be to leave him. You WILL manage and you'll be better off than you think. He will have to pay child and possible spousal support depending on his earnings.

Personally I believe a man who uses prostitutes displays a certain level and kind of entitlement for which there is no cure.

Gosh what a sad story and what a tough time you've been through.

So sorry OP.

I'm no doctor but I would bet your husband's behaviour is a contributory factor to your PND.

What support do you have IRL? Could you ask him to leave while you look into where you stand legally and financially?

I agree with Nicki

I couldn't be with a man who even thought it was okay to buy sex from women. Let alone try and act on it.

Hun don't make any rash decisions. Your hormones are all over the place and they are making everything 100 times worse. Take your time over this. Unfortunately he broke your trust and now yous will both suffer the consequences.

Try counselling maybe. Are you on meds for the PND

Thank you

Turnip I have my six week check tomorrow so will discuss with GP. I have already been warned that my stitched area might need to be "re-fashioned".

Here's a hug from me ((()))). Don't care if I get expelled.

It's really early days, new baby, marriage and all that went before. For now focus on getting better because PND is an illness. Did you consult with your GP before stopping the meds? Please go back and discuss the options here.

Also talk to your HV and ask for support. There may be things she can suggest and stuff going on at your Children's Centre. Also HomeStart are lovely. Try to focus on the easy stuff. Get up, dressed and showered each day. Obviously fulfill your baby's needs. Spend time cuddling, chatting and gazing at her. Enjoy her. Make sure you leave the house every day and do something even if it's going to but milk.

Ask all your friends and family for support and accept any help going.

As for your DH, well it's way too soon to say if this will work or not so don't be stressing about it. Concentrate on you and baby. Take the relationship very very slowly. How is he with the baby and how helpful and supportive has he been. Six weeks after a really easy first birth isn't much so a tricky one it's very, very early days.

Take good care and please see your GP.x

And the weight takes nine months to go on so you need to give it at least nine to come off!

Re-fashioned ? Oh dear lord, I winced just reading that!

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your DD - beautiful no doubt!

Fast forward twenty/thirty years. DD tells you what you told us. What would you want her to do? You are giving her the model for her future relationships - what should they look like?

Don't consummate your marriage. Many women, perhaps most, go months after birth even without birth injury, so that's not unusual. Keep your options open.

I cried when I read that your husband has been secretly accessing porn. His boundaries and priorities are wrong. He isn't who you thought he was, or who you need him to be.

Have you exchanged contracts and/or given notice on rented? If not, I'd seriously rethink.