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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Baby waking makes husband angry with me

133 replies

Hubertscubert · 25/03/2014 19:08

My husband works really hard in a demanding job, be is not the best sleeper. Our second baby has been a bit more challenging than the first as she has reflux, hence she has not been as good a sleeper as our elder daughter. Having said this relatively speaking I don't think she is too bad. She has gone from 7pm, fed at 10.30pm, then through to 6 am since about 4 months, but when she is having a bad spell (teething etc) she willwake at 4 am ( but generally go back down for. Dummy or bottle) n then it can tak a while to break the habit. If we have had a disturbed night my husband shouts or swears at me, and then I face an inquisition as to what went wrong. If I give him reasons he makes me feel stupid and it comes across as excuses. This morning dh had asked to get woken at 6 am, the baby woke at approx 5.45. Therefore he was in a mood with me, he said" what went on last night, what today's excuse? He said he asks other women and they say the baby should b going through the night now. I chose to say nothing.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 25/03/2014 22:02

Fwiw, my ex was emotionally abusive, made me feel shit about myself day in, day out. He cheated on me. One thing he did do was wake for the babies. I'd breast feed and he'd wind them and put them back down.

It's not good enough to say he's good at other times. Even my arsehole ex took his responsibilities with his dc's seriously and shared the work load.

Bogeyface · 25/03/2014 22:18

This morning dh had asked to get woken at 6 am

I cant get past this! Sorry, did I miss something and I am reading "www.woesofavictorianhousemaid.com"?!

Good other times does not excuse utterly shite the rest of the time. If you were alone you would be doing all you do now, but without the crap he is laying at your door. Think about it.

Jollyphonics · 25/03/2014 22:21

I work really hard in a demanding job too. And I'm a single parent, whose kids didn't sleep through the night until they were 3. I just have to deal with it, and so should he. Either tell him to bugger off, or find some way to ignore him.

Botanicbaby · 25/03/2014 22:35

'my DH shouts and swears at me if we have a disturbed night'

'then I face an inquisition as to what went "wrong"'

'he makes me feel stupid and it comes across as excuses'

'he's in a mood with me and asked what went wrong/what'd today's excuse?'

'he asks other women and they say....'

'I chose to say nothing'.

OP my heart goes out to you, it really does. He doesn't sound great to me. So your husband works hard in a demanding job? Well, so do you! I bet you don't get to question him on his performance? It makes my blood boil too that he questions you in this way and makes you feel stupid.

I would be livid at the fact that a) not only did he think it was okay to ask other people what they think your baby's sleep pattern should be by now (wtf!) but that he also b) decided to tell you this piece of utterly useless disparaging piece of information. Something needs to change here, his attitude for a start. He sounds wholly unsupportive of you and what you do Sad

Botanicbaby · 25/03/2014 22:38

oh can't believe I left out the bit about him expecting to be woken at 6am. Hasn't he got an alarm clock that he can set all by himself? He needs to take some responsibility for himself (and his family) here.

43percentburnt · 25/03/2014 22:39

I work ft and long hours. I was also waking 7 x a night with a teething baby aged 6 months that wants to breast feed. Its tiring. But very very normal! Yes he may have a job but in sure he has had lack of sleep from nights out drinking in the past and no doubt he coped just fine.

Babies do not sleep through the night, it is normal. The baby is not the problem
your husband is the problem he sounds thoroughly unpleasant and a little stupid if he thinks babies don't wake up at night. in fact its a common occurrence, often portrayed in films, books, adverts...

painting2014 · 25/03/2014 22:41

If this is typical behaviour I would not expect it to change.

This reminds me so much of the behaviour of my dad and much unhappiness from my childhood, for instance I can remember sitting at the GP when I was ill as a young child while my dad complained to the GP about he had had disturbed sleep as I was up all night coughing etc and how she would need to do something about it. She was not at all impressed.

When my younger sibling was born I was 7 so I was aware that my dad did almost nothing baby wise and that we were my mum's sole responsibility - he was not to be inconvenienced by her kids - and she said she often felt like a single parent. I wish they had not stayed together. He had no interest in children.

The man described in the original post does not sound like a man who cares about his family. I would be horrified if my husband behaved like that. He would never do so anyway because he loves me and our child and shares the responsibilities of parenting.

DIddled · 25/03/2014 22:43

Astounded and disgusted- feel so sorry for you x

LondonNinja · 25/03/2014 22:45

Oh dear. He's obviously tired and is behaving like a prick. Unless he's like this all the time.
Why doesn't he go to the spare room with earplugs and an alarm clock? You'll relax more, too, I bet, without his lordship to worry about.
My DH slept downstairs on cushions when I was going mad with tiredness up with DD. If he'd asked what my excuse was, I think I'd have exploded. Does it ever occur to him that you are 100 times more tired than he is?!

LondonNinja · 25/03/2014 22:46

Oh, and he volunteered to do this btw. I didn't suggest it. He had a bad back for ages. It was a fucking horrible stressful time actually.

starlight1234 · 25/03/2014 22:50

Reminds me of my Ex..what it meant was a got up to see to him every whimper...consequently despite leaving him when Ds was 10 months old he didn't sleep through till he was 4...

His attitude towards you sucks...

43percentburnt · 25/03/2014 23:02

I think you should ask his female colleagues if their husbands shout and swear if their kids wake at night. Bet he forgets that bit, no doubt he alludes to how much he does during the night, gaining sympathy and people making him coffee.

SplitHeadGirl · 25/03/2014 23:03

Yes, what Ninja said! Does he stop thinking about himself for one second to ask if YOU are tired?

He is horrible.

LondonNinja · 25/03/2014 23:09

Perhaps you could tell husband that other husbands manage really well on broken sleep, some even get up to help and none blame their OHs for a baby doing what babies, erm, do...

Throw it back at him. Seriously, tell him you've chatted to MN your friends and the consensus is men cope really well and are supportive. Fucking hell, some even realise a new mum is shattered, too.

msdiamant · 26/03/2014 00:16

OP's husband has been zombiefied either by his colleagues or by his parents. I would place my bet on PILs but I could be wrong.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 00:46

Op it doesn't 'make him angry' he chooses to get angry with you. He knows it is not your fault but he is hacked of so he takes it out on you.

What is your excuse today? Sounds like he actually relishes the opportunity to do you down.

Unacceptable.

When you say when he is good he is really good, is he really? Or is it just much, much less unpleasant than when he is horrible but not actually all that positive. Is his good much more considerate than you would be to the average person?

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 26/03/2014 02:09

I don't have DC, I do have sleep issues, if I slept from 11:00 to 4:00, on a normal night I'd be throwing a party. (I say normal as I'm post Surgery ATM so am on mega pain killers and dozing a lot at the minute).

Back to the point, 5 straight hours sleep is good for most people, never mind a tiny baby.

As for asking you what went wrong well what exactly is he expecting you to do?

He's a twat.

InfiniteJest · 26/03/2014 06:19

OP. I have an 11 month old DD who wakes multiple times a night. This is not unusual, she's a baby. Our baby, and our joint responsibility.

She's not my job, my husband is not my boss, and I am not accountable to him. If he were to treat me that way, I would be challenging him on his attitude.

How do you think your husband would react if you challenged him? Are you afraid of him?

TheABC · 26/03/2014 06:25

Really not impressed at your DH, OP. On the other hand...can we swap babies?! Mine is 9 months old, still waking ravenously hungry every 3-4 hours. I am writing this whilst feeding him at 6:20 in the morning. DH is snuggled asleep next to me - but even if my baby was making a fuss, his first reaction would be to help, not blame.

joanofarchitrave · 26/03/2014 06:26

And no doubt he will be on here in three years' time asking why 'you women' never seem to want to have sex and how he feels like a meal ticket. Never a moment's connection to this time when you needed him to act like an adult and he didn't

I don't say this often but - he's acting like a knob. The baby has an excuse of being a baby for crying and whinging. What's his?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/03/2014 07:16

OP I hope you're OK this morning. I'm worried that the baby's sleep patterns are not the issue here. Yelling at you for something like this is like yelling at you for the sun coming up... i.e. he's just finding excuses to pick on you.... and I am concerned that this bullying is a regular occurrence if you are worried about saying anything. 'When he's good, he's great' is the classic response of someone who lives in fear. What else do you do that gets him angry? Does he tell you that you need to be a better wife? Do you feel that you constantly fall short?

You're right to be worried about the future because bullies rarely change.

Thattimeofyearagain · 26/03/2014 07:48

Is he a controlling twat in other areas of your relationship ?

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 07:55

cog afraid I thought the same. The only time I have ever heard the when he is good he is great used is me of my abusive x and others in similar situations and it could be swapped for when he stops being a prick it is much nicer.

it is what you say when you need to find a reason for why you are putting up with something.

My friends who have nice dhs don't say that. Because they don't need a reason to 'put up' with their ohs. Theirs are ok.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 07:57

Op hope you and baby got a good nights sleep last night.

How are things this morning?

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 26/03/2014 08:05

He asked yo be woken at 6am

What are you his alarm clock woman?!

I would be telling him to shut up not worrying over what excuses to make

It's his baby too

And no, the other women are talking nonsense

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