Should I help him pay off our debts?

[ToPayOrNot]

My DP left me a few months ago. Not really any problems in our relationship, he just decided it wasn't what he wanted.

We have no kids together, but I have one. He left me with no notice, and he financially supported me (I earn just a few hundred a month from self employed work), so I was pretty screwed and needed to run up credit card debts and borrow money from friends just to survive / pay rent etc. Total accrued by me in debts is about £5000 over four months.

I also, for the first time in my life, fell behind on a few payments and got stung a bit of my previously perfect credit card debt.

I tried for months to get my DP to reconsider, to go to counselling, to try and work on his loss of love for me, but he had checked out of the relationship and said it was pointless.

He is now asking me to pay him money towards our debts (all in his name) accrued during the relationship.

I don't want to be immoral, but he had left me as a single Mum on benefits and I now have debts myself from what he did and a bad credit rating.

He's left himself financially screwed as he really needed my few hundred a month.

What is the right thing to do?

I also think that both legally and morally you owe him nothing. He chose to use credit to fund his lifestyle, you didn't force him. You earn very little and have a child and your own debt to support. He treated you very shabbily. You have to put your own child first, and make sure your child has what they need. Unless he spent £1000s only on baby milk etc, morally you owe him nadda. Otherwise you are basically taking essential food & living out of your child's mouth to pay for your ex's holidays/ipad/phone/car etc etc etc. Do not feel guilty and tell him no. He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Thanks all. Reading those this morning I wrote a letter to him. I have to sent it, but it makes all the points you have all presented to me.

I now feel pretty sure that I want months (or as long as it takes) to get on my feet. I want to pay off all my own debts that he created with his twattish behaviour. I want to buy a car. I want to have some sort of financial stability for my child because the situation he left me in took all of that away.

We were an "us" who took care of each other, but he made us an"each man for his own" and when he showed no sense of obligation or responsibility to me he changed the playing field and needs to live with that.

After all that has been done, I want to get a statement together of everything he has cost me. He pays that before he gets a cent off me.

Then I think we should break down the remaining debt by removing anything that he has kept (I am not paying a penny towards a gearbox on his car) and he can go through the statements with me to do this.

The debt can then be allocated according to income and I will pay my fair share at a rate I can afford.

I believe this to be the morally correct response, where my conscience is clear. He can, however, wait until I have disposable income, which due to his own actions might be a year or more. I won't be breaking my back to fund him and his new life.

Yes he will suffer considerable hardship and I think perhaps without any money from me he actually can't pay his debts I think...he might have to make some sort of IVA but that is his own problem.

He should have thought about the consequences before he was such a selfish idiot. Why should I suffer any more from his actions?

You are all right..every penny to him is directly out of my son's mouth.

Oh that sounds so much more positive.

Still think you owe him nothing, but it is your life.

By the way I would not say 'will pay you x when I'm back on my feet' , say 'might pay you x'

Promise nothing. You may feel totally different when you have more time and distance.

Really I could not be doing with all that you paid for this, I paid for that, my income is this, you've cost me that.

Just walk away. Clean break. You owe him nothing.

I agree - he won't be reasonable and will prob demand way more. Don't pay him a penny.

Thanks all. I dropped him a short email this morning to let him know I wanted no contact for 60 days to allow me and my son to settle down.

In that 60 days I will get my life together, I will go for some counselling. I will hang on to that letter but will keep it to perhaps discuss with him later if it feels right. I will take on board everything and try and make a decision once my emotions have calmed down.

I really can't explain how helpful you have all been in helping me grow a pair of testicles on this issue. I don't see that there's any rush for me to make a decision and as everyone has said he really did divorce himself from the right to expect any consideration from me or any care for his financial picture.

I will do whatever feels right to ME and the time that is right for ME.

Once he decided he wanted out of the relationship and your shared life together, he could have had a mature discussion with you about the debts and how to pay them, plus how to manage the move into two separate flats.

He actively chose to present you with a fait accompli and make you homeless. In other words, he unilaterally chose an immediate clean break where neither of you made any provision for the other.

I would tell him he is now stuck with that. The sheer brass neck of doing that, then coming back months later to say 'Oh, actually, you need to cover these debts' is astonishing. And worrying.

I'm glad you've asked for a no-contact period, because your suggestion about you owe me, I owe you, is still not robust enough I think. The sensible response is to say you want nothing to do with him and will pay nothing. Legally and morally that is entirely reasonable, have no qualms about that.

I think this man has the potential to mither, guilt-trip and oppress you for a considerable time trying to get you to take responsibility for his decisions and his lack of financial nous, possibly on an ongoing basis. How long do you want to be in contact with him, dragged back into it, unable to move on? And unable to budget, because he's just decided you owe him a bit more?

This is cocklodging without the cock.

Good for you OP!

I sincerely hope you give him nothing, not even another moment of your time!

Tell him these three little words "fuck off, bastard" he left you in the mire - tough shit.

I am glad you have had the strength to go no contact, but please remember you owe him nothing.

My exh left me with 40k worth of debt when we divorced. It took me nearly 8 years to repay it. Don't do this to yourself for debt you are not legally responsible for it will consume you.

no contact for 60 days

Good move OP. But don't allow yourself to be drawn back into contact by him guilt-tripping you or by using other nefarious measures.

Should I help him pay off our debts?

NO.

He took out debts in his name.

He agreed to support you financially and give you a home, in the hope that, in the future, your business would grow and would pay off the debts.

He has unilaterally ended this agreement.

He is not supporting you financially. You now need the money to support yourself.

Do not pay his debts.

Also, agree with Angela.

He has chosen to make a clean break where he does not support you, so you owe him nothing.

When you were together did you cook, clean, were you the main carer for your child? Did you hold his hand when he had a bad day at work? Do all the nice things people in relationships do? If the answer to any of these is yes then you owe him nothing at all!