Should I help him pay off our debts?

[ToPayOrNot]

My DP left me a few months ago. Not really any problems in our relationship, he just decided it wasn't what he wanted.

We have no kids together, but I have one. He left me with no notice, and he financially supported me (I earn just a few hundred a month from self employed work), so I was pretty screwed and needed to run up credit card debts and borrow money from friends just to survive / pay rent etc. Total accrued by me in debts is about £5000 over four months.

I also, for the first time in my life, fell behind on a few payments and got stung a bit of my previously perfect credit card debt.

I tried for months to get my DP to reconsider, to go to counselling, to try and work on his loss of love for me, but he had checked out of the relationship and said it was pointless.

He is now asking me to pay him money towards our debts (all in his name) accrued during the relationship.

I don't want to be immoral, but he had left me as a single Mum on benefits and I now have debts myself from what he did and a bad credit rating.

He's left himself financially screwed as he really needed my few hundred a month.

What is the right thing to do?

What an utter bastard. You owe him nothing.

Logg1e and Buck, to be specific, no, I did not run up debts in his name at all. It so happened that after making a life together he became the breadwinner and I stayed at home. I was starting a new business, although I had worked before it was very hard for me to get work to fit around school hours in the place we lived. Before this I had a great career and gave it up for us to live together.

The debts were joint. Not from me going out buying things on his credit card. Household stuff...like family holidays, fixing the car etc.

I have to say that based on your last post I would be tempted to tell him to get stuffed.

Proportionally, how much is the debt in comparison to yours and how much did you benefit from it?

Legally, he hasn't got a leg to stand on and can whistle. That's all you're required to be mindful of really. That said, other people's bad behaviour isn't really an excuse for doing the wrong thing yourself unless you want to cheapen yourself in the process, but if you're still struggling financially because of situation he forced you into which he could have made easier but chose not to help you, then your first priority is to the welfare of your child, and if that means refusing to help a man who left you high and dry, so be it.

Dahlen, I would say that in fairness neither of us would have had the debt if we had not been together.

I would not have had it because I had a great career and was doing well without him.

He would not have had it because he would have had a smaller house and less bills.

I would not say any of it is specifically attributed to one or the other of us -we built it together and a lot of it was bad circumstances.

the way I see it though is that if we had been TOGETHER, as was the plan we agreed to when I gave up my bloody life to be with him, then whatever I made in my new business (which is starting to get going) would have gone to pay it off and set us up as a family.

Now I have to use whatever money I can bring in to buy a car (I previously used his), pay off the £5000 I have had to borrow, pay my rent, sort out some sort of life for me and my son.

I also now have bad marks on my perfect credit rating.

He changed the playing field...I kind of feel like he created the situation and made it bad for himself.

There's no way you're liable for half the debt; that should be split along ability to pay. If his salary is X amount higher then he assumes a greater percentage of the joint debt.

To be honest I would say to him when I have managed to sort everything out and got me and my son back on our feet financially then I will look at paying x amount off but unfortunately with how you ended it I ended up with some debt and that needs paying first. Look after u and your son and don't put yourself out to pay him back sort u first then if u still feel guilty discuss it then

I can't understand why you've come to ask on here? from how you come across you are just looking for vadidation and people to tell you not to pay.

Would you seriously consider paying if everyone on here said you should?

Like others have said morally yes you should pay. Just because he acted in a less than moral way towards you doesn't mean you have to act in a similar fashion. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that.

I'm sure in your own mind with all the facts to hand, you know what the right/best thing to do is.

People on here however well intentioned can't give a balanced and objective answer to your question not least because as usual on MN posters tend to drip feed vital information.

I wouldn't disagree with your assessment on it.

You have had to bear the financial consequences of literally being thrown on the streets on your own. You are bearing the consequences of the damage to your credit rating on your own. Therefore it's not hard to argue that he should bear those other costs on his own.

Either you accept financial responsibility together - in which case he had an obligation to help you find your feet following separation, or you have split up and each take whatever you have with you - that means a bad credit rating and new debt in your name for you and the old debts he put in his own name for him. You are either fully financially separated or not. He can't really have it both ways.

Newbie, as I said, I know I am going to end up paying him. I won't be able to live with not doing it and I've never shirked a responsibility in my life and whether he is a tit or not I won't turn myself into one.

I just feel really angry and wanted to know if I was being unreasonable thinking he is taking the mickey.

I do agree with Dahlen though. If he had a shred of humanity he would tell me he did not want a penny off me after what he did.

It will take me years to pay that off. He should never have put me in this situation. And he will probably be using the money I send him to take other women out too

I wasn't trying to drip feed, I was just posting thoughts as they came to me. I'm a bit emotional from him ringing and asking for money because I never expected it.

How much debt are you in as a consequence of his behaviour? The 2 days notice to find somewhere to live when he must have known way before that the house was being rented?

Deduct that from what he says your share of his debt is, and pay him back at a fiver a week?

He is taking the piss. Don't let yourself be walked over. What would you tell a friend was the right thing to do?

No. No. No. Do not give that man a PENNY. To do that to another adult...bad enough. But that poor child.

If you feel THAT bad (please, please don't) then tell him you will pay when YOU can afford it, and you will notify him of that time. Could be 10 months or it could be 10 years.

What a horrible man.

I would tell a friend to tell him to go and f**k himself.

He made a commitment to a life with me and to take on a kid for life too. He promised never to treat me badly, to always talk about problems, never to hurt me or mistreat me. We ran up those debts on the understanding that we would be together for life, that I was building a business and we would pay them off with that once it got going.

Fine people fall out of of love, but if there are kids involved and a 6 year commitment then surely you at least tell the person there are problems before running off. Surely where someone has moved their life to be with you, then you have a responsibility to make sure that woman and child are okay before running off and taking care of number 1.

But that just isn't me. Someone else said before, two wrongs don't make a right.

I was thinking maybe I would ask him to go to a mediator with me? I want to do the right thing. I suppose I am still just so angry about what happened to us and I now face a very iffy financial future whereas before he came along I had a wonderful life.

Incidentally I strongly suspect there in another woman involved here somewhere because I can't fathom any other reason why a person would want to leave such a long relationship with no reason. He just says he stopped loving me.

When I say "you promised to always talk to me about problems and work on them when I brought my child into this and gave up everything to be with you" he says "things change".

I mean...what a b**d.

I know I am ranting.

You dont owe him anything!!

If you must pay him then deduct the money that you are in debt to from the total amount and then pay him 50% of what is left, but not until you have paid back every penny you currently owe, plus got yourself on your feet with a car/job etc.

Or alternatively email him setting out your current financial situation, agreeing that it would be good to get the finances sorted and how does he propose to help you pay back YOUR debt incurred because he chucked your and your child onto the street with no notice. I rather suspect that you will not hear from him again.

And yes, I smell OW too. For that reason alone I would not be sending him one red cent.

This is awful OP. I really feel for you. It's no wonder you're furious. I don't think I would pay a penny if this was me...

doesn't sound like you have any disposable income even if you felt inclined. 5k debt does seem a lot for a few months though, do you get any child support, benefits etc ? Could you find salaried work , even pt ?

LIZS the money I ran up was on temporary accommodation over a few months/ travel (he left me with no car) / paying for removals / storage for my belongings and all that sort of thing. It was all done so last minute it was a case of desperation and I didn't have family to stay with.

I went from place to place applying but no one would rent me a flat without proof of income, which I didn't have, and the council had nowhere to offer me nearby my kid's school.

I found it really hard to apply for any benefits without an address or proof of status and it took a while for them to come through once I managed it.

It took me ages to find a local landlord who would take me with my circumstances. I was also in a real mess emotionally. Crying, shaking and my head wasn't on straight.

For a time I was buying food with my credit card because I had nothing else.

Yes, I can find salaried work now, because I qualify for help with childcare costs, but I have only been settled for just over a week and need time to sort myself out. I will get back on my feet! Just need a bit of time.

I don't get any child support from my kid's Dad, never have. I could apply for it but he's never been involved since day one.

My benefits have begun to kick in now and I can manage but it's hardly going to be lots of disposable income. He has a really good job.

Fuck him. Seriously.

Look what he put you through! Read back your last post, and think about it. If anyone should be "doing the right thing" it is him, and he didnt, so he can go to hell.

The only thing you owe him is a fucking mouthful about how he treated you and your child.

I suggest this at the very most (my real feeling is that you should simply not bother responding to any contact from him, and not pay a penny):

Set off the debt you accrued because of the abrupt manner of the break-up (which he controlled entirely) against the debt run up in his name while you were together.

So, if the joint debt was £14,000, subtract your £5,000 of debt from that and then pay him 50% of the remaining £9,000. In instalments that you can afford (i.e. as small as you need them to be). Don't negotiate, just tell him that is what you are doing.

I like that idea Angela.

Personally, I think you would be nuts to help him. Tell him to go fuck himself! The wanker!

Have a clear conscience!

I don't believe you owe him anything morally.

I guess he spent time looking at his finances, applying for credit checks and arranging a deposit for a place. All the time knowing that your accommodation was coming to an end and he hadn't even let you know.

Either that or all is not rosy with OW and he now suddenly needs to stump up for his own place!

He knew exactly what mess he was leaving you in. He didn't give a shit what happened to you or your child. He still doesn't.

He made the decision he wanted a clean break from you and he took it.

If you were still going from B&B to B&B getting further in debt he wouldn't think twice. As far as he is concerned that was your problem get lost.

It is only now that you have some earning potential that he thinks he will appeal to your moral compass.

Change your number or have him blocked. Please don't think you owe him when he made the decision he wanted a clean break. Make him stick to it.