Should I help him pay off our debts?

[ToPayOrNot]

My DP left me a few months ago. Not really any problems in our relationship, he just decided it wasn't what he wanted.

We have no kids together, but I have one. He left me with no notice, and he financially supported me (I earn just a few hundred a month from self employed work), so I was pretty screwed and needed to run up credit card debts and borrow money from friends just to survive / pay rent etc. Total accrued by me in debts is about £5000 over four months.

I also, for the first time in my life, fell behind on a few payments and got stung a bit of my previously perfect credit card debt.

I tried for months to get my DP to reconsider, to go to counselling, to try and work on his loss of love for me, but he had checked out of the relationship and said it was pointless.

He is now asking me to pay him money towards our debts (all in his name) accrued during the relationship.

I don't want to be immoral, but he had left me as a single Mum on benefits and I now have debts myself from what he did and a bad credit rating.

He's left himself financially screwed as he really needed my few hundred a month.

What is the right thing to do?

If the original agreement was that you were building a business and you would pay off the debts together once the business got going, you could stick to that. When your business is making a profit, then pay him back along the lines Angela suggests.

He really is a shit, though. He knowingly makes you and your child homeless. You struggle for months to keep a roof over your heads. He waits until only one week after you get a settled place and then asks you for money. It beggars belief!

I wouldn't pay him anything unless I and child were financially secure, and maybe not even then. If he wanted a financial settlement at the end of the relationship he should have got married.

Well the original agreement was also that he would pay my living costs while I paid off the debt with my income. I never expected to have to scrimp and save to pay him off. With both our incomes as a team it was a great situation but now it will end up being really crap. Every extra bit of money going to him and me stuck in the middle of bloody nowhere.

One of the most irritating aspects of all of this, is that the business I started ties me to the area I moved to with him. I have contracts in place here to perform work tasks over the next year and therefore could not even go home to Mum and Dad's or my old city where there's plenty of work and a life for me to go back to.

Talk about being left up shit creek.

The thought of being miles from home, stuck paying him money with nothing to actually enjoy life or go and visit family really annoys me.

It's a crappy moral dilemma for me. He leaves me in a position where I either sink to his scumbag level or end up being taken for a complete mug.

I think I might be best to tell him I want 60 days of no contact to get on my feet then we can have a sensible and fair discussion. Gives me time to think and make a plan.

"Dear Wankbadger ExDP

Further to your request for financial assistance, please make all future contact via my solicitors, Fuck, Fuck and Fuck Off, 1 Screwu Avenue, Upyoursville, Cuntshire.

Regards
"

God I wish I was like that bogeyface. He does deserve it. I just want to know what the right thing to do. And as much as he deserves that response it still doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

Whatever a twat he is, that debt is half mine. Grrr...

I hate him!!!!!!

Yeah and your debt is half his! Well more than that actually, would you be £5k in debt if you had had the proper notice? No.

The right thing to do is totally ignore him, it really is.

Stop allowing other people to take advantage of your good nature, because I would hazard a guess that this isnt the first time you have been screwed by someone you trusted, but still felt guilty afterwards!

And tbh, whats the worst he could do if you sent that? He cant take you to court, the debt is in his name, just as you cant take him to court. Why the FUCK should you have to pay TWICE?!

Send the email, send it!!

Look, you say you want to know the right thing to do, and the vast majority have said dont give him a penny. If you are detemined to fund his shagfest with the OW then more fool you, but I suggest you, at the very least, change your number, email, block him online etc.

You wouldn't have any of that additional £5k debt if it wasn't for his choice to screw you over.

He owes you all that before you start to pay him off.

If he isn't going to pay that, you have to clear your debt (taking however long that takes you while still having a reasonable standard of living) before you even consider any other debt.

He chose to end your 50/50 partnership. All 50/50 debt ended then.

His choice not yours.

Don't tell him you want 60 days no contact. Just go no contact and block his methods of contacting you.

I know but a lot of people have said the debt is also legitimately also mine, regardless of him being an arsehole and I don't want to have anything on my conscience.

I like the idea of deducting the £5000 he has run up for me with his behaviour off my debt. I also think he should pay some sort of financial penalty for damaging my credit rating (which is going to make buying a car harder for me) as well as expenses to my family (my Mum flew up twice to help me and hired a car etc.). Then I think we should also take into account that he has left me a single Mum on benefits growing a business that has yet to have an actual profit.

Once that's all taken into account which I think is reasonable then I do think I have some responsibility but I would like to see how things unfold before agreeing. If another woman is involved, he's not getting a penny off me.

I think I definitely need more time to think, because I am conflicted between my responsibilities and the fact that he created this whole situation and should not expect me to suffer any more than I already have.

I have already blocked him online but I can't change numbers (it's my work number too).

It seems like he is picking and choosing bits we sort out amicably based on what suits him. He dictates everything and everything seems to be on his terms.

I don;t understand why he thinks we should discuss finances amicably like reasonable adults and yet he refuses to talk to me about why he left or to take my suggestion to go to one or two counselling sessions.

I was most worried about the impact on my child who really loved him but he didn't give a toss.

No, it's not a case of sinking to his level or being taken for a mug. You don't have to do what he tells you. And don't worry about moral obligations- your first moral obligation is to your child, who was left homeless and penniless when your partner left.

If he really needed your money, he should have thought of that before he left you and a child up shit creek. He should have worked with you to figure out how to bring down the debt without either of you accruing any more due to the breakup. Instead he was quite happy to leave you and your child with nothing.

How about , rather than paying him anything now, you offset the debt against 1) All the debt accrued since the breakup, and 2) Loss of earnings in the time since you gave up your well paid job- I should imagine that's quite a lot over 6 years . You'd also need to look at the relative proportions of bills/rent paid by each of you, and how that compares to what you would have paid in your previous home as a single parent. It's not just him that's lost money- you have too, you're just not hard-faced enough to demand it back.

Really , you don't have any obligations to this man, but if you do the sums and still believe he is owed money then you can offer to pay it back once your child is self-supporting.

And if he says the debts are joint debts, the 'things change' argument works both ways.

You really don't have to do anything amicably with this man you know. You don't have to have any contact.

*"Dear Wankbadger ExDP

Further to your request for financial assistance, please make all future contact via my solicitors, Fuck, Fuck and Fuck Off, 1 Screwu Avenue, Upyoursville, Cuntshire.

Regards*

Bogey is known for her finely tuned moral compass

Inertia, I love your response. If I offset it against all that, HE would owe ME £300,000. Not to mention the loss of future earnings because my career is now gone for the future too and I need to build a new one.

Yes, the "things change" comment should work both ways.

He definitely has me bullied, but then I have wanted him so badly to come back that I lost all dignity long ago. I even begged. Shameful but true.

I said "I gave up my life to be with you, please, please at least discuss this with me. At least go to counselling for a couple of session" and he said there was no point because he didn't love me anymore.

Funny, because all he ever did was tell me he loved me. We'd not been having any problems so I reckon he must have met someone else.

I think your idea of buying some time is a good one.
This is actually one of the worst things I've read on here - he made you and a child homeless, a couple of days notice - wow!

This is far too soon for you to make a decision.
My advice is to take time away from the decision to let the dust settle and for you to be sure what you want to do. His OW will come crawling out of the woodwork and that might make you more resolved not to fund his dates!

I'd also use the time to try to get some kind of counselling. You seem so driven to be on the moral high ground... to your detriment (huge detriment) and that makes me wonder what's going in there. Why you're putting him first, why you care...

FWIW, I don't think you owe him a penny. If you think of your previous discussions and intentions as a contract, he broke it. Simple as that - morally, I mean.

If you were married, this discussion legally would be looking at who needs what, who compromised and gave up on what.

If it helps, I consider myself a moral person and am fiercely financially independent. I'm getting divorced - his fault, he cheated, but that's by the by. I have not proposed child maintenance or valued his business, nor included his expensive car in assets. I am no gold digger. But... I went slightly part time and limited my career (stalled at same level) because his location meant it was necessary. So I've agreed a small % of his pension to compensate that decision. I made it in expectation of a life together. Our pensions would have been shared money. Now they're not. This is completely moral.

Morality is about fairness. How is him taking money from you fair?

Please - I'm not saying, fuck him he's an arsehole, you don't need to be moral. (Though I think that would be OK!) I'm saying you have to see that him taking the money would be immoral.

You all made me laugh when I was so upset and angry before. I need to be a bit tough but I still feel like I love him and worry about him having no money. I know that's pathetic!!!!!!!!!!!!

Work out what debt he has, what can be attributed to you:

Household items that you might have.
Holidays that you went on.
Unpaid bills that occurred during your relationship.

Dont include:

Stuff that he has (division of assets, you dont need to pay)
The car, if he still has that.
Bills that arent yours and never were.
Stuff for him only.

Then work out, what you had to shell out for his shittiness, deduct all that.

Then offer to call it quits on the debt or offer to pay half of the stuff you are responsible for.

Thank you Cabrinha. I needed a bit of strength from the women on here. I am a bit crap like this...as in never asking for maintenance from my kid's Dad. I just always looked after myself. This is the one time I let a man into my life make me dependent on him but then everything seemed right. Last time I make such a stupid mistake.

Oh and fuck him having no money, he didnt give a shit about you or your DC.

So he can go fuck a duck.

The way I would see it is like this:

• If you were a divorcing couple, how would the debt be treated? It certainly wouldn't be 50/50, it would be based on income... correct?

If you do want to help him with the debt, or feel you should, I too would do the "subtract your debt from his and pay 50%" but I would tell him that your debt takes priority and once that is paid, you MIGHT start sending him money.

I wouldn't agree to anything though because you were partners, not married, his debt is his, your debts are yours. That's just how it works. If he wanted it done differently he could have approached the break-up much differently and you wouldn't be in the position you're in now, and you'd be able to help him pay his debt.

I wish I could say that how he left and how mean that was doesn't matter, but it does. Your situation, and his situation, are a product of his design. You were forced into a situation that not only hurt you financially, but also emotionally, and your child. The emotionally was going to happen either way, but it was made SO much worse by the financial strain and the suddenness of it all.

I'd tell him that you have your own debts to pay thanks to the demise of the relationship and can't help him with his.

You just don't have the means to pay him. I think it is a tricky one as morally speaking they are joint debts even if they are in his name. But I can't see how you can possibly pay him back without getting yourself totally into a deep water of debt.

Don't pay him anything - even £5 pw - because you'd be agreeing that you have a responsibility to repay the debt.

But I honestly think you don't. The agreement was that you would pay it off out of your earnings because he was supporting you. But he's not supporting you any more and you need your earnings to live on. So he should have thought of that before he walked out. Tough!

Legally and morally he hasn't a leg to stand on. You took a risk when you gave up your career to be with him. He took a risk when he got into debt to fund the relationship. The relationship is now over. You've both lost out and I don't think anyone would disagree that you've lost more than him.

Just tell him 'Things change' with a clear conscience.

Given how he treated you,I'd not pay him a bean.
And dissent sound as if you two will reconcile
I'd consider relocate to area where you can get a job

It strikes me as I read through these posts that he must have known well in advance that he was leaving - if new tenants were moving in on the Saturday, he must have decided he was leaving a some weeks before that and told the landlord so.
So he deliberately screwed you over - he actually had a choice not to do that. He knew how much you'd given up to be with him, and now he's asking you for money??
So deduct the expenses you've incurred because of his lack of notice ( £5k?), before you even consider anything else. Personally, I don't think you owe him anything morally. You did contribute what you had, you were caring for a child ( legally a child of the family), you moved on the basis that he would be covering your costs for a while. Legally, I'm sure you don't owe him anything.

Legally and morally you owe him sweet Fanny Adams! He deserves not one brown penny!

He pulled the rug from under your feet - his choice!

You and your son moved and bent over backwards for him.

Let him learn he cannot go around behaving like this! Give him the benefit of learning from experience!

FWIW I smell OW too, not that it matters, but I'm sure he knew how things were going and despite this he strung you along letting you think things were ok until he made his quick exit. He dumped you and your son on the streets, ffs!!!