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Original poster

Should I help him pay off our debts?

115 replies

ToPayOrNot · 25/03/2014 14:52

My DP left me a few months ago. Not really any problems in our relationship, he just decided it wasn't what he wanted.

We have no kids together, but I have one. He left me with no notice, and he financially supported me (I earn just a few hundred a month from self employed work), so I was pretty screwed and needed to run up credit card debts and borrow money from friends just to survive / pay rent etc. Total accrued by me in debts is about £5000 over four months.

I also, for the first time in my life, fell behind on a few payments and got stung a bit of my previously perfect credit card debt.

I tried for months to get my DP to reconsider, to go to counselling, to try and work on his loss of love for me, but he had checked out of the relationship and said it was pointless.

He is now asking me to pay him money towards our debts (all in his name) accrued during the relationship.

I don't want to be immoral, but he had left me as a single Mum on benefits and I now have debts myself from what he did and a bad credit rating.

He's left himself financially screwed as he really needed my few hundred a month.

What is the right thing to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ToPayOrNot · 25/03/2014 19:17

He claims it was all decided in a few days. I really don't believe that either. I don't even know if new tenants DID actually move in, I just know he told me he was moving out and I had until Saturday to be gone. At the time I had no functioning brain power at all. He left within 15 minutes of telling me by the way so it wasn't even as if I had time to talk to him or negotiate.

OP posts:
SplitHeadGirl · 25/03/2014 19:19

Rotten little man. If any man did that to my child it certainly wouldn't be money he would be getting off me!!!

Don't give him anything. He treated you like crap and was brutally cruel to your son. He is just using you now he thinks you now that he thinks you are earning.

You owe him nothing. Please don't be a doormat. Your moral obligation is to your child and to yourself, to look after yourselves and not stand for creeps like this taking things from you that he doesn't deserve.

scottishmummy · 25/03/2014 19:20

He turfed you and child out 48hour notice,give him zipped doo dah
Ignore his pressure
Vile behaviour from him

SplitHeadGirl · 25/03/2014 19:20

Sorry for typos above!!!

TheCatThatSmiled · 25/03/2014 19:20

Legally they are his sole responsibility. He willingly ran up those debts in his name. So legally you owe him nothing.

And, to be honest, given his reprehensible behaviour that cost you your credit rating, £5000 in debt, emotional distress and physical hardship (he made you and a child homeless FFS) morally you owe him nothing!

It would be taking money away from your child, who is your prime responsibility. He's caused her enough upset.

Tell him No. no excuses, no justification, just No.

YNK · 25/03/2014 19:23

Better still, tell him to get to fuck and when he gets there he can fuck off some more!!

Yeah, if you were my family he would be worried about losing more than his money!!!

scottishmummy · 25/03/2014 19:31

You need to take care of yourself,work on your self esteem,don't define yourself as sucker

Original poster
ToPayOrNot · 25/03/2014 19:38

You are all saying the same as my friends and family, so it seems generally unanimous that he is taking the piss. I'm really tired from getting so upset today. All I've done is smoke and pace and just need to go to lay down so I can calm myself. Thanks I will re-read all of this tomorrow to try and re-programme my brain to stop feeling guilty / responsible

OP posts:
Thistledew · 25/03/2014 19:47

Legally, you owe him nothing.

Morally, you owe him nothing at all. Look at it this way, whist you were together you had a moral contract (not a legal one) to share your burden of the debt you accrued together. This was part of the wider moral contract to behave like good partners to each other. He broke that side of the contract to you, so he can no longer demand performance of your side of the financial agreement

He could have opted to negotiate a settlement that provided you both with an acceptable way out of all parts of the contract, but he opted not to do so, despite your efforts to persuade him.

I would say that you owe him nothing. He made his choices and he is stuck with the consequences of them.

I say this as someone whose partner left me with significant debts that he had mostly accrued in our joint name when we split, and I didn't get a penny from him to pay them off.

Kleptronic · 25/03/2014 20:08

Christ on a fucking bicycle, give that man nothing, you owe him nothing. I am aghast at his behaviour towards you and your child. He is an absolute fucking nasty piece of work and no mistake.

Cut that fucker out of your life, don't waste any more brain power on this, you are morally correct to NOT allow him to tax your freedom and your future. Have done, lass.

NachoAddict · 25/03/2014 20:09

Don't give him a penny. His debts on his name.

You owe him nothing especially given how he treated you.

I got a loan to buy dp a car, I will be paying it off for another year, the car benefits the family but is owned by dp who drives. If dp and I split up and it is very likely the way things are going, I realise I will be paying the debt regardless. My loan, my choice. Just like your ex chose to take out those loans.

How much is the debt? Would it be worth worrying about after deducting your £5000 debt?

RenterNomad · 25/03/2014 20:13

As a serial tenant, let me tell you that, although renti g is quite fast-moving, it still takes a good 2 weeks to gst a new place sorted (e.g. in a position when you've been given notice and have been madly searching the local market). Maybe a week, minimum. However, a desperate search like that leaves traces.

If you want an examination of how costly short-term and hand-to-mouth living is, read Barbara Ehrenrich's "Nickel and Dined." ANY shrt-termed arrangement carries a premium. Google "poverty premium" to stiffen your resolve. He has cost you (and himself, diddums) a fuck of a lot through uprooting you in the first place, and through not allowing you the same notice he had.

Also, consider why you get more interest fir locking your money up for defined periods (and why there us a penalty for accessing your money earlier)!

Please apply all the appropriate penalties to any repayment you think you MIGHT feel obliged to make. I think you'll find he owes you rather than the other way round (and please totsly discount his extra exoenditure, as he made this decision!)

Best wishes.Smile

RenterNomad · 25/03/2014 20:15

Nickel and DiMed, sorry!

AnandaTimeIn · 25/03/2014 20:34

Haven't read all the replies...

Don't pay him and tell him to go fuck himself

Coming from a single mum - DS 22 - you owe him nothing.

You gave up your previous life to be with him never do that as a mother with children
you took a chance, it didn't work out. It happens. if only life was perfect

He took a chance too with his debts while with you.

Yes, we take chances in life and we never know how it will work out.

The bottom line is, you owe you and your child everything!

and him nothing that this creep could throw at you moneywise.

Children are ALWAYS Nr. 1! NEVER put a man on a higher "pedestal" than you and yours!!!

Like a PP said, you could always tell him you may be able to pay him back in 10 years.

Your priority is to get yourself back up on your feet (and you sound great, and very strong), you can get back the life and the kind of job you had before, it probably means a major move, so concentrate on that.

He fucked you over, you don't need to feel any "guilt". After 6 years and 48 hours to get out is lower than low. Even without children.

And yes, any money to him will be either dating/already in a relationship with another. Don't be that fool, you would be putting him over your child and yourself.

You both deserve the best!

HowLongIsTooLong · 25/03/2014 21:52

You have been way too nice to this chancer, but I can really understand the upset and confusion you are feeling. He knows you are very kind and is trying to take advantage, basically, I agree that it is probably best to try and disengage (maybe get a new, separate work phone number?) but if this proves impossible immediately, the next time he hassles you I would ask him to send a detailed breakdown of his so-called "debt" and at the same time tell him that you have debts of your own now given how he treated you, including counselling for a traumatised DC, so it seems that his choices screwed you all... (then say goodbye in a firm voice and put the phone down).

Bogeyface · 25/03/2014 21:59

Howlong has a good point. Ask him how he intends to pay for your sons counselling that is needed because of his actions.

I am a bitch, so I would be putting together an invoice for everything you have paid out (including lost income etc) over the last 6 years and telling him that you will happily deduct what he owes you from the total, so how would he like the the balance of £250,00+ ?

Bogeyface · 25/03/2014 22:00

so how would he like the the balance of £250,00+ ?

sorry that should be, how would he like to pay the balance..

43percentburnt · 25/03/2014 22:19

He should have thought about the financial impact prior to kicking you out.

He didn't care about your situation, financially or morally.
He has reappeared when it suits him for money.

Hmmm. Send him one text saying please do not contact me again. Then report him if he does.

ladies often seem too concerned about seeming the bad person. He made his decision, he needs to live with the consequences.

ShinyTurd · 25/03/2014 22:21

No, you have the child to support. If you are feeling particularly nice, you could say you don't want any maintenance for a few months to help him out. However, I wouldn't even do that. You are looking after his son which costs a lot.

YNK · 25/03/2014 22:37

It's not his son ST.

LavenderGreen14 · 25/03/2014 22:38

I don't think you should pay him a penny - and I agree 100% OW - following the script to a T he is. Sorry OP. Block him and ignore.

expatinscotland · 25/03/2014 22:40

Fuck him off. Wouldn't give him shit.

K8Middleton · 25/03/2014 23:14

"Fuck off, cunt" would be my reply. I never use that kind of language in RL but if someone treated me as you have been I would make a justifiable exception.

Do not give him anything. His debts, in his name. Tough shit if he wanted it differently, he should have done things differently.

Bogeyface · 25/03/2014 23:19

Thought of another one

"Look at me"

"Right, and?!"

"This is how I look when I dont give shit, get used to it".

Inertia · 25/03/2014 23:51

Ok, so that's a considerable loss of earnings.

(This is all said in a nice encouraging way :) ) You need to get tough on this situation. He is absolutely taking advantage of your good nature and the fact that you still love him to leave you shafted a second time.

Thymeout said don't give him a penny because that suggests that you are accepting some responsibility for the debt , which is is absolutely right- you do need to totally avoid having anything to do with the debt. Not your business, you were never legally financially linked.

In order to fund the relationship, he accrued some debt and you lost hundreds of thousands of pounds. I would actually turn this back around on him if he asks you to service the debt again, and tell him exactly what you've calculated he owes you.

Something to consider- if you had been considering paying say £50 per month to Ex, how about putting that amount in an ISA in your child's name instead? This would allow you to meet your moral obligations by paying some of the increased debt your child will accrue (e.g. university fees) as a result of being financially disadvantaged by your partner's actions.

Channel your sense of guilt and responsibility into positive action for your child :)