Just had the "I've paid for everything and now you're going to steal it all" conversation

[Amicus1966]

Have told DH that I cannot live like this much longer so he really needs to push the estate agent re selling the house so we can both find somewhere else.
He has come at me with a tirade of how HE put the majority of the money into the property, how he pays all the bills ( including HIS sky sports) and that I can't expect to just walk off with half the proceeds from " his" house.
Seems to have completely overlooked the fact that I have spent eleven years liking after our children so he could go to work, play golf whenever he felt like it and bugger off on his all boys golfing hols.
Tried to explain that the proceeds from the sale have to be split to but a home for him and a home for me AND his DCs. Have also explained that neither of us will be able to afford a 4 bed detached with downstairs cloakroom and master bedroom with ensure (which we currently have) so get over it!
He is stalling as he doesnot want to leave this house. Neither do I but hey ho shit happens.
He has come out with the classic line that "all women are gold diggers", and "home wreckers".
He just doesn't get that downsizing is the only option and says the DCs are going to hate me for making them move into a "cramped hovel" as he calls it.
Why do they have to be so awkward when things are hard enough already?

Think I'm more confused now than when I stared

Ok Let's start with Fifi is talking bollocks so you can safely ignore that advice.

There is no 'set' formula for a financial settlement as every case is different. A whole range of factors are taken into account, assets, work prospects, salary, pension pot, number of children, age of children, any disabilities ....... the list is endless.

At the heart of all this is the tenet that 'the children's welfare is paramount'.

For instance, if there is only sufficient money in the pot for one house then the person who has residency may be entitled to that house, usually until the youngest child leaves full-time eduaction. The house is then sold and the monies are shared. The non-resident partner would meanwhile have to find and fund alternative living arrangemnets.

The court may also look at the assets and decide there is sufficent for 2 houses to be purchased. That what happened in my case. I got 70% of the assets to purchase a new home with a small mortgage, as I was working, Meanwhile my ex had 30% of the assets as a deposit for his new house. Had I not been working I could probably have stayed in the larger former matrimonial home and he could have had our savings as a deposit on his new home, but I wanted a clean break.

50/50 is not a fair split as it does not compensate you for the loss of earnings, the loss/delay to your career should you return to work, reduced future earnings due to your career break, or the fact that you have not been able to contribute towards an occupational pension while you have been a SAHM. He has had the benefit of all these things. The law is trying to put youo an equal footing - but, as I said before, with the interests of the child being paramount.

Every case is different. You need proper legal advice.

Wot Gill said :)

Can I just ask.....is his solicitor legally expected to point out to him how the assets should be split fairly , or are they just going to tell him to screw me over?

Both your solicitors are supposed to strive to reach an euitable settlement bearing in mind all the factors I outlined above.

His solicitor has to act on your husband's instructions, so if your husband is being ridiculous his solicitor is supposed to tell him he's being unreasonable. Some are better at this than others, however, your solictor is acting in your interests and will be very familiar with what you should be able to expect in the way of a fair settlement and advise you accordingly. You are not on your own or at his mercy. he doesn't get what he wants, he gets what you both agree to be fair or failing an agreement, what a Court determines to be fair.

Thanks Gill.

Definitely get a good solicitor, I haven't lived in England for many years and even at old prices, 60 pounds a week for three children sounds miserable.

His is there to represent his interests, and act on his instructions.

If hes good he will tell him what is likely to happen, and suggest mediation, a reasonable offer. He will probably tell him the worst and best possible outcomes (for him, not you) and advise him on how to get the best outcome (again, for him, not you)

Which is why you need good advice for yourself. Seriously, have a look over in the legal area of MN, there are posters on that part of the board who are practicing solicitors (as well as mums)

His solicitor is NOT the law and does not make the final decision. That will be you & your STBX in mediation (which is recommended as the first step, so long as the relationship break down is not abusive) or the court if you can't reach an agreement.

Also remember that the minimum child maintenance is 15% for one child. And if he has the kids mon-fri he will be counted as the main carer.
If you remain as the main carer, if he works for himself there is a good chance he might hide his income, so you cannot rely on that.

Keep discussions about that separate from any division of assets, especially if you are going for a 'clean break'.

Gather as much financial information as you can - but not originals, just copies.

Keep strong and imagine you are dividing up assets for your best friend - you're probably better at being fair to loved ones than yourself

You owe it to your children to make sure you get a fair deal. X

For the record, my ex (who has since 3 kids with OW and earns about £400 a week) has to pay £58 a week for DD.

Most of all op, please don't feel guilty about getting a good deal, divorce is hard, you're hardly going to be sipping champagne in Monte Carlo after this, the law and what you're entitled to are what should matter not what anyone else thinks about the fairness of it. It's not personal against your ex, he's personalising it as it's a lever he can use. The law is the law because it's stood the test of time and been thought out and tested by many people.

Received my confirmation letter this morning from land registry re registration of my occupational rights to the house. An identical looking letter arrived for him as they have to inform of my intentions but he has said nothing whatsoever. It's as though he is burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all just blow over.
I need things to move on though.
Do I just sit tight and wait for him to get legal advice, or get my solicitor to send him some sort if legal letter to spur his arse into gear?

I just wanted to remind you what others have said earlier on about getting the ball rolling in the current financial year before he starts playing silly buggers to make his income look smaller (to reduce maintenance). If I recall, financial year end is 5th or 6th April (others please confirm). You need to get a wriggle on - that's little over a week away. Time for action, OP! Ignore him trying to log roll this into next financial year by digging his heels in & take control of the situation...

Also, admirable restraint from other posters regarding Fifi's input.

...or get my solicitor to send him some sort if legal letter to spur his arse into gear?

Yes, if he will not discuss it with you.

Yes year end 5 April, get a letter out before that if you can. Do get a recommendation from the legal matters for a good solicitor. Good luck op.

Will do , thanks

No, you are not being greedy. That is totally fair: split down the middle. You have made personal sacrifices so that his career can develop, and that I assume was always done on the basis that everything gained as a result of that was shared 50/50. That doesn't suddenly change because he is being a selfish arse. What does he want- his career earnings since the birth of the children deducted from your half of the sale of the house because he paid the mortgage? That's what is sounds like he thinks is fair and it is ridiculous.

*That's what it sounds

Also gillthegiraffe is right: 50/50 is probably not generous enough!!

Especially as op suspects the income based parts will fall as he starts manipulating the figures and is also hiding other assets.

You could calculate your loss of earnings, plus how much you saved in child care, and divide the child care costs between the two.

Thanks. Am a bit distracted ATM as trying to work out how to make £10 last till next Thursday & no bloody food in the house
Applied for Tax Credits a few weeks ago and I ( stupidly) thought they were being paid today but it's not for another week. So not quite on the ball today.
Spent last night rummaging in his home office as he'd gone out for drinks with friends and found some information that may become very handy if he does try to hide any future earnings. Not happy that I may have to resort to threatening blackmail but it might be a bargaining tool if he does refuse to co operate.

There are some good meal planning tips on the credit crunch section, sounds horrible to try and make £10 last a week and you shouldn't have to be in this position at all. It's actually in your interest to get a financial settlement sorted ASAP.

Have you taken photos/copies of what you found amicus, in case they suddenly go missing?

I'm also a sahm, although I have always been self employed, running businesses from home as well as doing the lions share of childcare/housework/cooking/shopping.

My XH wasn't self employed, but worked shifts and most weekends, so all the household tasks fell to me. With 3 DCs I wasn't able to work outside of the home without incurring huge childcare bills and working during the week would have meant never spending time with my ex on his weekdays off (which were about the only thing holding our marriage together!).

He wanted me to work part time during school hours so that I was home to cook dinner and it didn't fall to him to do any of the childcare while I worked. As such I was a low earner and now have little potential for a proper career, while I supported his career, including moving home and holding the fort for weeks at a time when he worked abroad for a year.

Looking for work now I am woefully lacking in experience for anything but a minimum wage job, with no references due to not having been employed for 15 years. On the plus side I have 3 lovely DCs who I have been lucky enough to spend lots of time with, so I'm not knocking it, but this is why Fifi, sahm tend to be awarded more than 50%.

While he continues to earn £60k a year, living in a small house and seeing the DCs once a week, I earn less than £10k while supporting 3 other people 6 days a week. Yes, he pays CM (at 25% of his salary as per CSA) and I get tax credits (until the government clamp down on those too) but that still leaves him with more disposable income than me and the prospect of earning that amount for the next 20 years, plus a pension etc.

In what world is that "fair" ?