Just had the "I've paid for everything and now you're going to steal it all" conversation

[Amicus1966]

Have told DH that I cannot live like this much longer so he really needs to push the estate agent re selling the house so we can both find somewhere else.
He has come at me with a tirade of how HE put the majority of the money into the property, how he pays all the bills ( including HIS sky sports) and that I can't expect to just walk off with half the proceeds from " his" house.
Seems to have completely overlooked the fact that I have spent eleven years liking after our children so he could go to work, play golf whenever he felt like it and bugger off on his all boys golfing hols.
Tried to explain that the proceeds from the sale have to be split to but a home for him and a home for me AND his DCs. Have also explained that neither of us will be able to afford a 4 bed detached with downstairs cloakroom and master bedroom with ensure (which we currently have) so get over it!
He is stalling as he doesnot want to leave this house. Neither do I but hey ho shit happens.
He has come out with the classic line that "all women are gold diggers", and "home wreckers".
He just doesn't get that downsizing is the only option and says the DCs are going to hate me for making them move into a "cramped hovel" as he calls it.
Why do they have to be so awkward when things are hard enough already?

[fifi669]

Regardless, he also needs somewhere for the DC to sleep. If he did have them during the week it'd be you that should pay maintenance.

Can you not see that being a SAHP is not in any way shape or form so much more valuable than being a worker that you should get most of everything? There would be no assets if no one went to work! Equality is the way forward. Beyond that it is just money grabbing.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

He's not going to have them in the week, though is he? As OP is the sahm, she is likely to remain so. Solicitors aim to keep the status quo for children in divorce - and in this case that would be OP being the primary carer (whilst the dh plays golf, goes on boys holidays etc....)

[fifi669]

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and take control. Earn your own money. Leave the marriage with 50% as the partners you were meant to be. You both need to find suitable places for your DC to stay. You both need to cut your cloth accordingly.

How can so many women say they're feminists and want equality, when their equality is far from it. It should be to be recognised as equal to men not to walk all over them.

[GillTheGiraffe]

What a load of nonsense Fifi.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Actually, that is equality. It it the law saying that you are recognised for your career sacrifice when you are looking after your children. It happens regardless of your gender, and is about the only recognition sahps ever get.

[fifi669]

If she chooses to stay at home after the split that's her business, why should he have to pay for her to do so!

[SplitHeadGirl]

Free rent and board?? Did I read that right?? Did Fifi actually say that???

I would be howling with laughter if only I could push my eyeballs back into my head.

[GillTheGiraffe]

And if he doesn't the State has to. So, as a taxpayer, I'd rather he paid.

[fifi669]

It's not nonsense. The contribution of a SAHP should be recognised that they did their bit as part of a partnership. SAH is not above and beyond going to work. As such her part is that she gets 50% of the assets despite not putting any physical money in. That's her contribution.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Because the career sacrifice has been made during the marriage Fifi. The dh benefitted from it greatly by the sounds of it - not only not doing all the childcare, but also having the freedom to disappear off to golf/holidays whenever he wanted.

I would imagine that the OP will have to find some sort of work (most divorced parents have to) but it will not be the same, or as financially rewarding, if she had not taken the 11 year break to care for the children.

[Amicus1966]

I don't recall in any of my posts saying that I wanted spousal maintenance. CM yes but I'm not expecting nor do I want to sit in a big house doing sod all. I have been applying for jobs since youngest started school and will hopefully find something soon.
What do you suggest fifi?
Walk away and leave the DCs with a father who has consistently ignored them over the years only to turn into Superdad when his wife decides to separate? I don't want to slag him off but a father who actually shuts the living room door in his DCs faces every Saturday so that they don't disturb him whilst he watches the football is not genuinely going to start taking an interest in them.
I don't think so.

[fifi669]

The state shouldn't pay for someone to choose to stay at home and neither should someone's ex. It's just ridiculous!

I said free rent and board as it's being made out the OP was doing the ex a huge favour by looking after his kids. It's their kids as it's their house etc.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Free rent and board?? Did I read that right?? Did Fifi actually say that???

Yup. I can't believe I'm actually engaging with this to be honest.

[HowLongIsTooLong]

fifi669 - you don't seem to be getting it. Of course the SAHP should be recognised as doing their bit in the partnership. And this includes the recognition that their career and earning power suffered while they were a SAHP, and in most cases they will be taking on the lion's share of the costs of caring for the DC post-separation (whether working F-T or P-T or not at all). Hence how the law works in the division of assets and expenses. It's all quite straightforward really, and following this law is not some kind of step backwards for women's independence, or anyone's independence really! If you choose not to understand this perhaps you should just let it go....

[SplitHeadGirl]

Fifi, do you have any clue what marriage is all about?

Sabrina, I don't even know where to start, so you are doing better than me!!!

[Amicus1966]

Free rent and board. Does board include food? Because if it does he has paid not one penny toward the food bill in twelve years.
Just to clarify, I have always had to pay it.

[fifi669]

I suggest as I've stated before you leave with 50%. That's of everything. Money in accounts, house equity, car values, the lot. As a marriage you are equal and so leave equally. You both need somewhere for DC to sleep. You want residence and you'll in all likelihood get it. That doesn't mean you should then get the lions share. These are your choices, not his. Whether he would be as good a parent, he does want to be the primary carer.

You didn't state you were going for SM, others were urging you to do so. I agree with what you wanted originally, 50%.

[FiloPasty]

Honestly FiFi wind your neck back in!

[fifi669]

Hasn't paid for any clothes for you or DC or food for the house in 12 years? This has all come from CB? Pull the other one!

Yes I do know what marriage is about. It's about give and take and working in partnership. Hence why when the partnership fails you split the assets equally and move on.

[morethanpotatoprints]

Fifi Wtf?

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

Equal does not always mean 50-50 fifi, that's the point. Where one spouse has just carried on working, and had the other spouse give up their financial independence to look after their children, this is accounted for in the divorce settlement. It really is that simple - the career sacrifice of the sahm is compensated for - because they can't just step back on the career ladder and turn back time 11 years or however long.

And what FiloPasty said.

[Gen35]

Op does need spousal support at least until she finds a job....op, please go and see a lawyer and get what you should get.

[WalkingThePlank]

Fifi, if you read the OP, it clearly states that she wants to split the assets and move on. The husband is stalling.

And if you're not a man, you are an OW.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

To be fair to the OP she started this thread happy to walk away with, clearly, far less than 50% of the marital assets. And sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge, so her dc can have their own rooms.

So I think you're actually being totally unfair on Amicus here, Fifi, banging your drum like this.

It's posters here that have told her what she's actually entitled to, and encouraged her to get it. Rightly so.

[fifi669]

No she doesn't. She gets job seekers like everyone else.

As I've said her sacrifice is what gives her the 50%. He put in the value of his first house and has paid for the house since. SAH isn't more valuable than going to work! Therefore she shouldn't get more than 50%!