Just had the "I've paid for everything and now you're going to steal it all" conversation

[Amicus1966]

Have told DH that I cannot live like this much longer so he really needs to push the estate agent re selling the house so we can both find somewhere else.
He has come at me with a tirade of how HE put the majority of the money into the property, how he pays all the bills ( including HIS sky sports) and that I can't expect to just walk off with half the proceeds from " his" house.
Seems to have completely overlooked the fact that I have spent eleven years liking after our children so he could go to work, play golf whenever he felt like it and bugger off on his all boys golfing hols.
Tried to explain that the proceeds from the sale have to be split to but a home for him and a home for me AND his DCs. Have also explained that neither of us will be able to afford a 4 bed detached with downstairs cloakroom and master bedroom with ensure (which we currently have) so get over it!
He is stalling as he doesnot want to leave this house. Neither do I but hey ho shit happens.
He has come out with the classic line that "all women are gold diggers", and "home wreckers".
He just doesn't get that downsizing is the only option and says the DCs are going to hate me for making them move into a "cramped hovel" as he calls it.
Why do they have to be so awkward when things are hard enough already?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

You need to do all of this through your solicitor. If he is offering you £80,000, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he has plenty more than that.

Don't agree to anything, walk away when he starts calling you greedy, and sort the finances through a lawyer.

[bibliomania]

Honestly, you need to talk to a good solicitor. This offer sounds very suspicious to me, along with the fact that he has hidden assets. Be careful about settling for too little. Don't shortchange your dcs.

Oh, and don't listen to him about being greedy. Don't give him that power over you.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's an educated decision, based on knowledge of what the assets are and what the law says. Don't be panicked or bullied into accepting something just because that's what he is pushing for.

[LavenderGreen14]

£60 a week?? Erm - have you been and checked the child maintenance you are entitled to?

[NigellasDealer]

Will also pay £60 per week CM for the 3 DCs - go through the CSA do not accept this offer.

[HowLongIsTooLong]

Buying you out of the house is one thing that could work out. Make sure you don't get sold short though (presumably the house has been valued recently?) The CM proposal sounds very low to me for three children. Have you worked out your monthly expenses raising the DCs: food, bills etc? How will they be dividing their time between you and you ex? I think you also have rights to his pension if you are married....have you had legal advice?

[SixOfTheBest]

I got £60 a week for one child and my ex wasn't a high earner. Don't be railroaded into accepting something that's unfair.

[andsmile]

Would 80k allow you to buy adequately sized house in the same area?

£60 per week? Isnt it a % of salary - you need to ring CSA an just lodge your details you can activate and pursue a claim when you are ready but just get info to them for now. ( I think)

[FrankUnderwood]

If there's assets other than the house, £80k might be the wrong figure.

You'll need solicitors advice for this - don't let him pressure you into a rush choice.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

If he thinks you're a gold-digger taking him for a ride, get a good solicitor and make sure you are awarded everything you are entitled to. He won't think any better of you for accepting his paltry £60 and 50/50. He'll still feel aggrieved, so make sure you get full financial disclosure on his secret stashes and make sure that any shortfall in your pensions/savings etc is taken into account.

I can guarantee you'll get more than 50% and £60 a week. He will still be perfectly ok financially, otherwise it wouldn't be worked out that way.

[SabrinaMulhollandJjones]

You need a solicitor OP. Really.

[fifi669]

50% of everything, house, savings etc is the way to go. If he can magic up 80k then he has it squirrelled away and half is already yours! If however he is remortgaging to do so that would be fair.

It really depends on whether this is just about the house at the mo or all of the divorce settlement? If 80k is half the value of the house and he has to remortgage to get it... Great. If that's all you're getting for the whole divorce then I'd think again.

Go onto the CSA website to work out the minimum he should be paying you for DC. With the old rules, 3 children means 25% of his take home pay.

[Amicus1966]

Well the house is worth £220,00 but there's still 57,000 left to pay on the mortgage. So the £80,000 is £220,000-£57,000 then split the £160,000 left over IYSWIM.
When we met he already had a 2 bed house which I moved into. I had no property just renting. After DS1 was born ergot married and a year later he suddenly decided he wanted a bigger house, I was quite happy where we were but he insisted.
He found this 4 bed new build at £180,000 sold his house for £80,000 and put that in as a deposit.
His argument is that I should not be entitled to the money he received on the old house even though we were married when he sold it.
I can see his point to a certain degree but he seems to think I am just going to move out...... And that's it. Even looked shocked when I told him that"no the council are not just going to hand over a council house to me".
He seems to think we can just split up like BF and GF and go our separate ways. Seems to have completely overlooked the 3 DCs who need somewhere to live .

[PoppyField]

Don't take the offer! Very suspicious. It's obviously much less than he could afford. He must be up to something. Is he self-employed by any chance?

[Creamycoolerwithcream]

I don't know about the maintenance but the 80k sounds like a fair offer as your H put down such a big deposit on your current home.

[Amicus1966]

He is self employed. Why, does that make a difference?

[WipsGlitter]

If he is self employed he might want to avoid over zealous scrutiny of his finances, hence not going through the CSA.

I have zero experience of this, but I would suggest a recognised channel is better than an ad-hoc arrangement that you could find very difficult to enforce.

Would you be able to live on that amount - plus CB if you get it? Are you working?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Yes. He can very easily hide income.

It is essential that you speak to a solicitor and outline the situation. You need to try and get your hands on as much financial information as you can, without him finding out. Who owns his business - just him?

Once you have made a financial settlement, it will be very easy for him to make it look to the CSA as if he has a very small income, and so you will receive very little or no maintenance.

[PoppyField]

If he's self-employed he is a much more slippery proposition. He will be minimising his income and will be looking at ways to hide his true earnnings. Your maintenance and child support will be worked out as a percentage of his actual earnings - not what he tells the taxman! Definitely get thee to a solicitor. It sounds like you don't know much about how these things work - that's understandable as most of us don't know about divorce till we start doing it - but time to get an education.

This man is already accusing you of being a gold-digger when you are not. He is obviously judging you by his own standards. He sounds aggrieved and mean. He doesn't sound like he is going to be honest or reasonable when it comes to money. Be prepared. Get yourself a tough solicitor. Doesn't matter how reasonable you are, if one party is determined to be unreasonable and obstructive then it won't be reasonable. Brace yourself and start toughening up. This is your children's future. He's being mean to them. Toughen up on their behalf if you can't muster it for you. You need to fight for what is FAIR for you. Don't fall for his gold-digger nastiness.

[mymiraclebubba]

My dp's exw played a similar game to your stbxh when their finances were gone thru and the solicitors doing the mediation told her to get lost, they were married so any deposit put down was joint money and she had no claim to it.

As others have said, get a solicitor and fast!!

As for 60/week csa that sounds insanely low for 3 kids imo, Dp pays 67 for 2 kids, before you accept anything get on the csa website and look at what you should be getting, if you are then able to get him to pay extra towards school uniform, trips etc then it might be worth it but make sure you know where you stand first

[Amicus1966]

Youngest started school in September so have been applying for jobs since but no luck so far not even short listed. Tried to talk to DH about the child care if I did manage to secure a position but he wasn't too thrilled about having to help towards cost of after school/ holiday care so I have been concentrating on school hours vacancies which are few and far between.
He was a sole trader but became a Ltd company a few years ago and pays himself a set amount each month. This only just covers mortgage, council tax, gas and electric and of course the Sky package.
The company itself has about £40,000 in the account but that belongs to the company so not actually his, no?
He also has two personal accounts each with about £20,000 in.
No ISAa or investments and his pension is on target to pay out a measly £900 p.a.
That is the financial info I have. Although he must have some cash somewhere as he pays his golf club fees every year (£1200) and is always having new golf clubs/ clothing delivered.
I just want to be as fair as possible as I don't want animosity which could rub off on the DCs.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Amicus if he is the sole Director of his Ltd, then yes that money is his.

What is his business? Because he may be channelling some expenditure through the company to reduce his tax bill - to what extent and what kind of items you can do that with depends hugely on what line of business he is in.

How are things like food, children's expenses etc being covered?

[Nomama]

No, that's not how you work it out Amicus.

house is worth £220,00 but there's still 57,000 left to pay on the mortgage. So the £80,000 is £220,000-£57,000 then split the £160,000

No! The house is a marital asset and every judge will consider where all assets go based on need alone, not who put what into it. A judge won't take that into consideration where there are kids. It all became a mutual pot when you got married.

So, the house is worth £220,000 and there is 57,000 left to pay. When the last is paid there will be a whole house of £220,000. 50:50 is £110,000

If he wants to buy you out he pays half the market value and keeps the asset, which he will eventually realise 100% of the value.

Or you sell it and then, as you outlined, split the profit.

But he doesn't get to decide that if you don't really want it.

Get to a solicitor and get it all worked out properly. No texts or emails with the words 'yes' or 'OK' in them, either!

Good luck.

[akaWisey]

Good grief yes, get a good solicitor.

Another 'gold-digger' here

[FelineLou]

If he has other assets these also belong to the partnership which is your marriage so as well as the half the house half his savings also should be part of the settlement.
See a SOLICITOR soon, soon, soon.
You are not greedy; he is.

[HowLongIsTooLong]

Wondering what those two personal accounts with 20k in are about. Is this where he siphons off profit? If so, guess you are entitled to some of these assets? But also maybe find out if his company has any debts you don't know about - presumably you are protected from any liability there? Sounds like a decent solicitor is the best only way to go...
You might also have to accept that he will never see eye to eye with you on what you consider to be reasonable "fair" (been there) - so don't get caught up in prolonged discussions, get solid professional, as much support from family and friends as you can, stick to your guns, and try and find effective ways to switch off from it all periodically if it all gets very stressful. Good luck!