Just had the "I've paid for everything and now you're going to steal it all" conversation

[Amicus1966]

Have told DH that I cannot live like this much longer so he really needs to push the estate agent re selling the house so we can both find somewhere else.
He has come at me with a tirade of how HE put the majority of the money into the property, how he pays all the bills ( including HIS sky sports) and that I can't expect to just walk off with half the proceeds from " his" house.
Seems to have completely overlooked the fact that I have spent eleven years liking after our children so he could go to work, play golf whenever he felt like it and bugger off on his all boys golfing hols.
Tried to explain that the proceeds from the sale have to be split to but a home for him and a home for me AND his DCs. Have also explained that neither of us will be able to afford a 4 bed detached with downstairs cloakroom and master bedroom with ensure (which we currently have) so get over it!
He is stalling as he doesnot want to leave this house. Neither do I but hey ho shit happens.
He has come out with the classic line that "all women are gold diggers", and "home wreckers".
He just doesn't get that downsizing is the only option and says the DCs are going to hate me for making them move into a "cramped hovel" as he calls it.
Why do they have to be so awkward when things are hard enough already?

[Amicus1966]

I already have seen a solicitor and she explained that unless either of us can afford to buy the other out then the house needs to be sold.
Thing is, I don't want to start divorce proceedings yet as I thought we had to have already agreed everything before we started proceedings.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Not necessarily. It's neater & cheaper if you can do it that way but if someone's being uncooperative or deliberately evasive then the two can run concurrently.

[43percentburnt]

Get a solicitor quickly, year end is approaching and no doubt he is dragging his feet to show a lower net profit and income.

I work in finance and see men who are scarily proud of how little maintenance they pay for their children. They do this by hiding their TRUE profits, cash in hand etc.

[OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly]

Also the business is an asset, you could be entitled to a share of it (happened to my Dsis) - didn't you enable him to build it up by providing childcare and running the family home?

Get copies of everything you can - e.g. how much is he paying into a pension? To provide a pension of 900 p.a. the pension fund would need to be about 18,000. He could be paying lots from his company to build up that pot - which could be 10 times bigger - and as you took time out of the workplace and forfeited a chance to build up your own pension provision, you would be entitled to a good portion of that.

[Amicus1966]

His business is construction. He did have me named as the company secretary so he could claim that he was paying me £2,500 per year. Then he used that to up his limit before tax IYSWIM.
I never actually received any wages but I did do all his bookwork for him although He never told me about this "wage". I stopped when I received a letter from Tax Credits asking ME to pay the overpayment back (£6,000) which had accrued over 3 years. He accused me of being totally unfair as it meant he had to start doing his own bookwork.
I had used that money to pay for food, travel to school and back for DS1, all clothes, toys days out etc.
For the past year I have had to continue this on just CB which has been really hard.

[PoppyField]

Er... you pay everything out of child benefit? What does he contribute exactly. What does he expect you to live on?

OP this sounds terrible. Of course it's been really hard. I am outraged this is how you are surviving, when he's going on golfing holidays. Are you and the children poor while he is happily ordering golf kit and whatever else he likes? Is this what's happening? No wonder you're divorcing him. Utter selfish pig!

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

OP he has clearly been financially abusive to you throughout your marriage. You really need to see a solicitor with some teeth to get into the detail of this for you.

The thing with the wages above is a tax dodge. If he starts playing silly buggers HMRC might be interested in having a look into his accounts.

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Does the business have any assets?

[Amicus1966]

Sorry to be thick but what do you mean by assets?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Car, van, equipment, property? Does it have a pension scheme for him? Any savings accounts apart from the £40k you know about?

Golf is a really bloody expensive hobby. He is definitely not being straight with you.

[dollius]

No, no, no. 50-50 is NOT a fair division here because there are four of you and only one of him.

His offer is not that great at all, he clearly couldn't give a fuck about what happens to his children, so take him to the bloody cleaners.

Do NOT play nicely - he won't and you will lose out if you do.

Gold digger my arse - you have stated you are prepared to sleep on a sofa bed to give your kids bedrooms FFS!

[dollius]

No, you must start divorce proceedings before April 5. As a PP said, that is the end of the tax year and he will then have the chance to restate his income.

[Peekingduck]

Op... take the advice you're being given here. Don't agree anything without getting back to a solicitor for a start. Please - just do it.

[hamptoncourt]

OP the only way to get him to sell the house if he is likely to refuse, is to instigate divorce proceedings. Once you get to the decree nisi stage you can wait until financial settlement finalised before applying for absolute. This is the usual way to do it.

You need to get on this sharpish as PP have said.

No way would I accept 50/50 in your shoes. If you have been SAHM largely to look after the DC, then you have sacrificed your career and possibly damaged your potential earning capacity and this could be compensated for by giving you a larger share of the equity.

Also, his pension pots need to be thoroughly investigated.

Please see a solicitor as soon as you can. Oh, and the bare minimum for maintenance would be 20% of his take home pay for the DC and possibly maintenance for you depending on the circumstances.

Good luck.

[Georgina1975]

My DP bought the family home using large pre-marriage inheritance. Ex-wife got 70% of value (no mortgage) 50% of savings (generated by his inheritance too) and 50% of pension. He also paid above CM rate and pocket monthly money for three 3 children until each were 19. She had/has a well-paid FT job.

Quite right too say I...

Please ensure you get your entitlement (echo what people have said about pension) however he spins the situation. Do not just settle for his offers. Fair does not automatically mean equal.

[Amicus1966]

What gets me the most is that his monthly outgoings are largely down to him.
HE decided, with no discussion with me, to pay extra on the mortgage each month; HE decided he wanted a bigger house; HE decided to subscribe to SKY full all bells ringing- multi room sports movies hd, the works (£115 per month); he went out one morning then came home and told me he'd purchased a leather reclining sofa to replace the perfectly fine sofa we had on monthly payments (£2,000); HE decided to buy a brand new car when our old car was fine (£12,000 on HP).
I spent hours online looking into switching and downsizing this that and the other and he just said he wasn't bothered about making savings on his outgoings.
But NOW he's whining about how much He HAS to fork out every month when he's made these impulse buys and big decisions without so much as a by your leave.
If he was/ is so bothered about my lack if financial input, why keep upping the costs?
Think I will be having a chat with my solicitor again as wisely advised by you lot.

[Melonbreath]

See your solicitor and sod it, take him for a ride. He thinks of you as a gold digger anyway

[AuditAngel]

If the company has money, it is not exactly his, even if he is the only shareholder as the company is a separate legal entity. In order to access the funds he would need to either draw salary (paying the relevant tax and NI) or pay dividends.

Please don't give incorrect advice about things you don't know the law about. It doesn't help anyone.

I would be concerned that £60 per week for child care is too low, here after school club is £11 a session so £60 is less than 6 sessions between 3 kids.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Would a forensic accountant be able to help op un-ravel her ex's finances?

[Amicus1966]

Thank you for the advice everyone.
I will make another appointment with the solicitor as Otherwise I can see me making bad decisions and him walking away with the lions share.

[MisForMumNotMaid]

Family assets are 2 accounts at approx £20,000, business with cash at £40,000 plus the business value, the house at £220,000, pension pot at £20,000ish (guess from £900/ annum)Family debts are mortgage at £57,000.

20+20+40+220+20-57= £263,000 is total FAMILY assets excl. business value.

This is what you should be looking at sharing.

Remember with what ever offer you accept you'll have solicitors fees to pay plus fees for house purchase, removals, setting up services and things like 6 months TV licence in advance. It all adds up. Make sure you build £10k i to your figures for these essentials.

[Lweji]

I don't know if it has been mentioned before, but there is still something called spousal maintenance for loss of earnings, which you have in your 11 years looking after the children.
Women often negotiate that against a percentage over the value of the house, because, obviously you now have no source of income and will have more trouble getting back into the work market.
Many women end up with a lot more than 50% of all assets.

And don't forget that the car and other recent purchases are also joint assets...

[moonfacebaby]

Definitely see your solicitor - I'm at the financial resolution stage & my solicitor has advised me that I'm entitled to 70-80% of the equity of our house & spousal maintenance. I will also be going for a share of his considerable savings. He has no worthwhile pension.

I have 2 kids & my youngest is only 2. He earns well although he is self-employed too.

[HowLongIsTooLong]

Moonface, that's interesting. Is this only if you are married? What if you have been co-habiting for over ten years and have DC? Guess there is no extra rights to house equity and spousal maintenance in that scenario?

[Amicus1966]

Thanks.
Obviously the actual amount split between us can only be sorted out by the courts, but if the total assets are around £263,000, how much should U in practical terms be asking for?
He has offered £80,000 so I need to talk to him about renegotiating a different amount don't I?