my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Pagwatch please stop beating around the bush and say what you mean

Look I know affairs happen with WOHP and SAHP. I get fed of hearing how hard SAHM s work, especially those with SC children. Let's get one thing clear, you don't work as hard as the parent who goes out to work. You have 6 hrs a day to do what you will. The chores you harp on about are the exact same chores a WOHP has to do AND work. Think it's the dishonesty here that gets on people's nerves. Just admit you enjoy the spare time because there is nothing wrong with that and you'd get a lot more respect for actually voicing that.

"It's not right but I know of 2 work colleagues who've had affairs at work, due to boredom with their SAH wives"

God yes. Because a man can't be expected to be responsible for where his penis travels. It's always because somewhere along the line a woman has just let him down. Poor darling

Sorry Impty

Yes, always the woman's fault when a man has an affair.

I'm afraid I haven't read past page 2, but I just wanted to say I have every respect for stay at home mums. I was a single parent with one child and only worked part-time, I am hopeless at housework though and could never have the house tidy in the two hours that some people are mentioning. I'm also surprised at the disrespect shown by some of the working mothers on here. In my young day it was not on to asked a mother of small children if she worked, it was obvious that she worked, the question was whether she was paid for it.

PS, I considered going to work, my time of rest!

Opal, I don't believe I actually said it's the woman's fault when a man has an affair. I said that was the reason they gave, doesn't mean I agree with it. Projecting much?

Ha ha - you sum it up well, pagwatch!

Some men do seem happy for their wife to go SAHM in the early years because it means she'll do all the grunt work with young babies and toddlers while he avoids the drudgery. There are men my DH works with who just choose to stay late all the time and deliberately sign up for business trips abroad because they have young children and they just can't be arsed with it. They see the sleepless nights etc as their SAH wife's problem and want to avoid all that hard stuff.

Then, lo and behold, once the kids are a little more independent and things seem a little easier suddenly these men want their SAHMs to morph overnight into successful professional women with high earnings and magical childcare arrangements that never fall through. My SIL stayed home for 10 years with her kids, having never established a career beforehand. My PILs always commented what a wonderful job she was doing being a SAHM and how important it was and how all society's problems are down to working mothers etc etc (barf).

Fast forward and SIL is trying to set up a home-based business to earn some extra money and all BIL had to say was some snide comment about how her hobby wasn't bringing in much money yet. So many men are ungrateful to their SAHMs in that way and have short memories.

Going back to work should involve change for everyone, husband included. That's why the OP needs her husband's support not disparaging remarks.

Notyourusual. You used the example to end your long list of pros of not being sahm, which would suggest you do think being a sahm causes men to stray. I'm not sure what you mean about me (and presumably the other posters who made the same point as me) projecting.

The chores you harp on about are the exact same chores a WOHP has to do AND work."

Assuming of course that the SAHP shares chores equally with the working parent.

I assume all the f/t working parents here share domestic tasks/childcare equally with their f/t working partner?

darkesteyes - no, don't worry! not offended in the least.

he is a bit of a twat at times. he sulks because, like those on the thread, he perceives that he shoulders more of the burden of responsibility than I do.

Which is fair, he's earning the money. It IS his responsibility.

But, I hold my head up high. I am not shirking. I am not lazy and I am not bored. I can't work yet, and that's the truth of it. he knows that, he's just a bit fed up at work and imagines I'm sitting around eating biscuits.

The point is that what works for your family is all good. Work 100 hour week 'v' breastfeed a teenager, it doesn't matter which you choose as long as it works for your family.

He'll come right, but, I do identify with what the OP says. And, I think it's common, inevitable, and solveable with good communication.

erm, which is wehre I fall down

"Let's get one thing clear, you don't work as hard as the parent who goes out to work"

I love going to work in the evenings and weekends. I find it miles easier than what I do (housework/cooking/shopping/gardening/DIY) between 9 and 3 when my dc's are in school. When I'm at work I'm full of adrenaline, and find the time flies by. I come out feeling energised. At home I do grunt work all day. It exhausts me sometimes.

mini I would say we share pretty equally. Oh gets DS2 up and dressed and fed every morning, which is no picnic. He is responsible for food and for cooking every evening. If (when!) we have a childcare fail, one of us will work from home. It's slightly easier for him to do it than for me.

"Mini fingers, think you need to look into some time management skills. How can tidying the house possibly take so long?"

Would you like a run down of a typical day for me?

Back home by 9.10 from school run, take dog out. Back from dog walk at 10.20, walk to shops to buy dinner. Back from shops by 11.00, cook evening meal. 12.00 - one hour in the garden. 1pm - lunch (use this time to answer emails for work). 1.40 Hoover one floor of the house and clean kitchen floor (big kitchen, cream coloured marmoleum and dirty dog - sweeping, mopping and drying the whole floor takes 20 minutes. Hoovering the rest of the house takes another 20 minutes as lots of furniture and dust, animal hair) 2.20. Chores - laundry, working out learning task for dc's for after school, drink cup of tea and read journal for work. Doing some household admin. 3pm go pick up kids. And that's without a trip to the tip, tidying bedrooms, or any other chores. I agree I could do a big shop once a fortnight, but that doesn't work for us. I buy fresh, cheap food from ethnic food shops and it takes a while to prepare - an hour is pretty typical for an evening meal.

Have I made myself sound like a lotus eater?

Can I add, I have a very interesting and well paid p/t job that I do evenings and weekends....

I would hope that 2 working parents share domestic work equally. Research suggests this is not the norm though.

"Let's get one thing clear, you don't work as hard as the parent who goes out to work"

Blimey, I can't agree with this at all, not when you have babies and toddlers at home. I have been working very p/t with a combo of school aged dcs and a toddler and believe me, it was such a refreshing, relaxing enjoyable day at work compared to the emotionally exhausting days at home with young children. I really was going to work for a rest. I imagine it's very different if your kids are all at Sch and the day is your own.

BeeInYourBonnet, the set up you suggest of DH working say, 4days and you another 4dsys only really works if there isn't a massive differential in your salaries. I'm a teacher so even f/t would only be on about 34k. DH earns about 5x this amount so for him to drop a day to enable me to work that day would cost us a lot of lost income. His job would also be very difficult to do p/t as neither law nor investment banking is particularly renound for flexible working.

I do miss work which is why I've been doing bits and pieces of supply recently but I'm just not sure how other women do it when they have 4kids and a DH who is often not home before 9.

The op needs her dh's support as getting back to work in this climate after 5yrs out won't be easy. Part of that support needs to be showing her that he is ready and willing to step up to his 50% when she finally does get back to f/t work.

dh used to get resentful about me not working, until I pointed out to him what he would have to do if I did go back to work, which included picking up the children from childcare and making tea as he would be home first. going shopping at the weekend instead of going out, doing all the weekday housework as I would be working evenings. he was not impressed about having to take days off to care for vomitting children either. he decided he liked going to the cupboard and getting clean washing out and liked eating when he got home...

thestarryskiesabove

Please dont take any notice of silly toxic comments such as the one you've highlighted. Being a homemaker is valid - its just that some people can only place value on work done outside the home for someone else. Perhaps your DHs job & working hours get on his nerves - but quite how he thinks coming home and berating you, making you feel you and what you do has no worth, will benefit your relationship, I can't fathom. You're not a maid - and a lot of people who moan about their sahm partners very conveniently gloss over the fact that the sahm partner often enables them and if that support wasn't there, it wouldnt be so easy to function ie children taken care of, home cleaned, meals cooked. None of it to come home to. Those things aren't done by magic.

You 2 need to have a conversation. His attitude is bad and based on that Id say when you do work, its not going to be equal in terms of who does what. There are way too many people out there busily keeping a 'Relationship Scorecard' - mostly based on, I work outside the home you get to stay at home so Im going to make you feel like shit as Im more important than you anyway. On & on it goes. Its major disrespect. I hope the 2 of you will sort this out but don't let anyone make you feel 'small' simply because you are a sahm. Your contribution is valid, and matters too.

1. For the record, I think the op's husband is being an arse and u think if you are keeping score in a relationship, which isn't ideal but if you are forced into having to, early years with dcs should buy you more breathing space into the years ahead - it's 24 hours a day, you lose yourself, you should get that time back.

1. Yes minifingers, you are a lotus eater. Your typical day as you outline it is hobbies all morning - going for walks, shopping and cooking for pleasure, doing the garden. This is what people do on holiday. The dog is a luxury, the garden is a luxury, the big house is a luxury, shopping on foot several times a a week is a luxury, dinners that take an hour to cook are luxuries. Don't get me wrong, I don't say you shouldn't have them, I just think you should recognize that. If I had money - for time is money, you are basically boasting here that your family is well off - I would walk and shop for fresh food and cook and do the garden too. I would ditch the dog and write a book instead though ,but that's a matter of preference.

Fwiw I shop for fresh food too, but it doesn't take an hour a day.

minis day does sound rather nice, hmmm....

What I don't understand about this thread is that we have a DH who is disdainful, contemptuous and is described as treating her like a servant, but dozens of posters are so eager to point out what she might be doing wrong?

NancyJones - if your DH is earning £150k+ then this is not the norm for most families. However, saying that, although it would be unlikely that my DH would have the earning potential of anywhere near your DHs, its true we've made sacrifices so that both of us could have quality family time and a career.

Also, as usual this MN thread paints work as a relaxing break from housework and childcare. I don't recognise this at all. Work is DIFFERENT, but my job is incredibly stressful and challenging. Much more so than my home life. I'm not sure why MNers all seem to find work so stress free and easy. Is it because they find home life excessively stressful in comparison, or because they have relatively 'easy' jobs, or because they are trying to persuade themselves that their DHs who work 60 hr weeks, are living it up, chilling out all day long?

"Totally agree with Jinsei.

I am often shocked by how many SAHMs on MN enable their DHs glittering careers. Ensuring that their DHs don't need to worry about their DCs being I'll, or about school holidays, house cleaning etc. Apparently this is 'team working'.

I work PT, DH works FT - but he can afford to have a job where he doesnt need to do crazy hours because my salary helps to support our family. He often has to take days off to cover school holidays, sickness, school plays etc. I think this is a GOOD THING! He is an active part of our family life, day to day. As he should be. And I am thankful that we both have time to further our careers and earn money, AND to share responsibility for OUR family."

Well said. We have a very similar set up as i believe we should share all responsibilities between us.

I dont think anybody enables their partner to work, its just used as a validation for them not too. The working partner could easily source a nanny and a cleaner. Besides, who are these wimps who need another adult to ensure they can work.

I love how the DPs husband is the bad guy. He has provided for her every need for a good few years on the understanding that she eases that financial burden by returning to work when the children are at school which she agreed to. So she can break her promise yet he is in the wrong for expecting her to keep it Yes jobs are more scarce now but it doesnt sound like the OP is even trying.