my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Sorry, blue didn't answer about cleaners. If I work 40 hours and my cleaner works 6 hours then I am ahead. Obviously it doesn't work if we do the same hours. And of course it's true that for the early years, the cost of childcare means you make very little money. I didn't go back for the first seven years, so I had one in school and one nearly there, and only the little one at home, before I took the plunge.

DH is working no harder now than when he was a single man, only now he gets to come home to a lovely family

This is why I said, go away yourself for a few days. He needs to understand what will have to change if you start working.

I think the thing is there is no right or wrong - what you will get is a lot of people foisting their values and life choices on you strongly.

The real issue is your husband isn't supporting your decision - which I assume was made together. This possibly is just unhappiness in general. My h could have worked his hours round mine - he wouldn't as he could make more money if i took a break and now whinges as I am working from home. I do think they need to take some responsibility if they are party to that decision and then we find it harder to get back into a formal workplace - a few years ago there was so much work we couldn't have anticipated things being this bad. Around here employers were so desperate even a trained monkey could have got a job.

Excellent article to show your Dh OP.

[[http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/10/09/youre-a-stay-at-home-mom-what-do-you-do-all-day/ What do mums do all day?

I'd want to know if he his resentful because he feels all the monetary burden is on him, or if he feels resentful because he thinks he does more?

Because if it is the latter, perhaps it needs pointing out to him, that he will still have to do everything he is doing now, plus pitch in more at home. So he will be worse off.

If it's about the money, then that's different.

Sorry.

what do mums do all day?

is his job secure? financial worries? if not, he needs to get a bit of a grip. good luck on the job search

Happymumofone

i get why that may seen like i don't value his financial support, but having been a single mother paying my own mortgage for so many years, you couldn't be more wrong! I think its awesome!

But having said that, I appreciate that I don't stress as much about money as he does, because I've done it on my own once before, which I imagine has toughened me up. So I am probably irritating the hell out of him with my relaxed attitude.

We don't have a big mortgage, we have a nice life, he stresses about things more than me, but thats probably because I spend my time having my nails painted and making stuffed rabbits (only one of those is true!)

just read matt walsh 'what do mums do all day'? love that man!

It's all about respect.

Dh works, I don't. He understands that as a result his free time is free time. If I worked pt he understands that he would have to give up a part of his free time to do chores. If I worked full time he understands that he woukd have to give up an equal proportion of his free time on chores to me. Because he respects me, as his equal.

I say chores, I'm including childcare in this.

I agree that there will have to be some renegotiation on your roles when you get a job. But start discussing now. His life will change, I wonder if he fully acknowledges that?

Exactly starry

If all dh/dps were him, the divorce rates would be very low.

OP HappyMummy has a habit of turning up on threads like these and the benefits ones spouting the usual.
That particular poster seems to think that children are immaculately conceived.

siiiiigh im sorry if i upset you earlier It wasnt my intention

"OP HappyMummy has a habit of turning up on threads like these and the benefits ones spouting the usual.
That particular poster seems to think that children are immaculately conceived"

I thought posting on MN was allowed silly me

Can assure you i dont believe in immaculate conception anymore than i believe in accidental pregnancy and what it has to do with this thread is beyond me.

OP just wanted everybody to agree and say her DH was mean for not allowing her to continue to opt out of working and the financial responsibility.

Wow happy I'm a sahm to teenagers one of which was an accidental pregnancy.

I can see you and I are destined to be bff's

Ahem.

A point of Catholic doctrine.

The Immaculate Conception does not refer to the fact that Mary conceived Jesus while still a virgin.

It refers to the fact that Mary herself was conceived without sin, so she was an appropriately pure vessel for the Son of God.

As you were.

Mini fingers, think you need to look into some time management skills. How can tidying the house possibly take so long? Are you sure that it's not just an excuse and a way to fill in your spare time? DH and I both work FT and have 2 school age children. I've always worked FT except for mat leave. Yes you are tired and increasingly so the older you get. However the pros outweigh the cons. We have a fairly comfortable standard of living which means we can make the most of family time, holidays etc, which we just couldn't do with one wage. I also don't feel as though my years of studying have been wasted by not utilising my skills and I also think it's important for my daughter to see me as a strong female role model. It's not right but I know of 2 work colleagues who've had affairs at work, due to boredom with their SAH wives(at least that's the reason given). OP hope you resolve things with your DH

I presume that someone has already covered the whole '2 hours a day' thing?

Because that only covers getting the kids up and out to school for me (OK, and shoving a banana in, and getting dressed. If I want a shower before the school run I need to get up early though)

Funny how people's perceptions differ, isn't it? I do the school run every day on my way to work, and it has never occurred to me to count the hours between 7 and 9 as part of my working day. I guess that's why people have wildly different ideas about how much time is needed to run a house.

I've never really understood the thing about people having to SAH to enable their DH's career either. I'm the main breadwinner in our family and earn a lot more than He does, but he works too and does a lot of irregular hours, late nights and long overseas trips. My job doesn't stop him from doing that.

I know of 2 work colleagues who've had affairs at work due to boredom with their SAH wives

Or because they are lying cheating wankers?

I do admit I probably am more boring as a SAHM than when I was a high flying working gal. Yes, I often find my dh ignoring me as i witter on about my day, but boy, i know when he comes home tomorrow night he's going to be as excited as I am when he sees my stuffed rabbit! Yes I know thats the third time I've mentioned it, and no thats not a euphemism! (and slapperati, liking the catholic doctrine related facts, never knew that!)

Thinking about what might help the OP-

Whether you work or not has to be a family decision. The first post suggested that it was- but with later posts it looks as if you don't really see eye to eye on this. When DC were tiny it was easy because there is no argument about whether you are busy or not. Once they are bigger, people are less busy, I think everyone agrees; but many ppl have agreed wth their OH as a family decision that this is the way of life that suits everyone, and a bit of downtime is fair enough.

I'm not sure that the OP has had that conversation with her OH, or rather, when she did, he wasn't honest with her about his feelings. It sounds as if he feels you ought to go back to work soon, and you feel that it should be later. I can't quite tell, as I know you are looking for work, but other things you say point towards waiting.

I don't think you will be able to persuade him that you are busier than he is; even if you can, you will only have to do it again next year when DC reach another milestone. He has to agree that it is too early to go back to paid work for other reasons. Otherwise I think he will continue to sulk.

Totally agree with Jinsei.

I am often shocked by how many SAHMs on MN enable their DHs glittering careers. Ensuring that their DHs don't need to worry about their DCs being I'll, or about school holidays, house cleaning etc. Apparently this is 'team working'.

I work PT, DH works FT - but he can afford to have a job where he doesnt need to do crazy hours because my salary helps to support our family. He often has to take days off to cover school holidays, sickness, school plays etc. I think this is a GOOD THING! He is an active part of our family life, day to day. As he should be. And I am thankful that we both have time to further our careers and earn money, AND to share responsibility for OUR family.

Or because they are lying cheating wankers?

Well yes. Shitty men have affairs regardless of whether their wives WOH or SAH.

Absolutely. For every man having an affair because his SAHW is "boring" there are two shagging their secretary because their WOHW is "too busy to look after them".

Oh and if I was a SAHM, I would not be going back to work unless I was sure that DH knew that 'team working' and 'career enabling' worked both ways. If WOHP expects SAHP to go back to work and retain full responsibility for childcare and house keeping, they need to wake up and smell the roses.

OP if I were you I'd be grilling your DH on how he sees himself managing with 50% of the responsibility for family life (it will be good for him!).

This thread has some real arses on it.

The op and her dh agreed that one of them should stay at home.
Now that the dc are at school - shock horror - the op is finding it hard to get a job. So instead of recognising the career hit that the mother of his children took, dh is sulking like a dickhead.

She didn't wake up one say and decide that she just couldn't be arsed to go to work - they made a joint decision and dickhead now doesn't like the not entirely unpredictable consequences so he is sulking.

Loads of marriages break down where both people are working, so your two wanker colleagues prove nothing.