my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Chund Thanks for looking out for me, that's very kind.

We don't claim tax credits or working credits, I don't even take my ex to the csa for our dd. Lots of reasons, not appropriate to this thread.

Sorry, I thought the national average was/is around £30,000. he earns just over that as a basic and has to do on average 10 hours a week overtime for us to be ok.

As he was away last week for 9 days, and gets paid more for overtime per hour and more for weekends, he did in theory 37 hours overtime, so we manage ok. No holidays, for the last 5 years, clothes, toys from ebay etc, but the kids know no different yet.

Anyway, good news. After all the belittling of sahm on this thread, I feel completely restored back to human being status, as today I am doing my bit for the working population.

I am to look after a working mums child. She dropped her off this morning at 8.30am, before work and will pick her up this afternoon on her way back. (teachers on strike)

So today I have 5 children instead of 4.

So glad I can contribute.

Bowlers I agree the DH is being a tit in not taking into account childcare.

But I think it's a bit of a stretch to expect a partner to be supportive of someone not working so they can do housework.

The issue of men not appreciating how much housework there can be, is an important one, but I don't think it will be solved by women scurrying about doing it all, leaving their menfolk free of all responsibilities except their careers.

somers the cost of childcare in the UK is a big problem. It's the single biggest thing women have been asking for help with for so many years.

Funnily enough every time the government look to be doing anything to help, a small section of women are up in arms about it. Apparently by helping with childcare the government are undermining mothering...sigh...

Bogey there's no point justifying what you do with you day. Others will be along to say they do a full time job, and everything that you do in addition to their full time job. And round in circles we go again!

You are quite right. Whatever works best for you and your DH as a partnership, is exactly the way you should conduct your lives.

somerset, I cannot comment on the situation in Spain. Using childcare v SAHM is a finely balanced option in any country for which I do not know enough about the full range of options in Spain to contribute meaningfully. I can only assume you have done the research but your choice makes sense to me.

For the UK, it is not unusual to work for nothing during the early years due to the high costs of early years childcare. However, it pays off later when the children are in school and you have preserved a viable career that you can gear up for the next few decades. I am sorry to hear you were desparate to go back to work but it did not work out. Being constrained by circumstances is unfortunate.

Also another point to make to OP - she states she does everything with the DC and house from dawn to dusk, 7 days a week - this is the crux of her argument that she works as hard as him.

I have to say that while there are DHs on MN who are pretty useless, this does sound very much like an exaggeration. Does DH do nothing child or house related ever? Does he literally never do anything round the house? Doesn't maintain the car? Doesn't manage any bills/sorting out insurance type tasks? Never gets things from the shops? He never plays with a child, takes them to the park, reads a bedtime story? Of course it's possible that he literally swans around at home when he is there and occassionally pats the DC on the head in an absent type of way, but find it very hard to believe he really does absolutely nothing.

Basically I'm going to flip the thread round - OP complains that DH does not appreciate all she does - does she appreciate what he does (she seems to view his only contribution as earning money)?

bowlers you're correct but just wanted to show op that there's not just one way to live. We all choose a different life. X

Thank you blueshoes you have calmed me down somewhat!

wordfactory too, childcare (and from what I have seen, it is not that great) in the UK is ridiculously expensive.

Most mothers I know who work now, both in the UK and here in Spain are teachers. It is the only way round it.

Interesting thread

The issue I think is that the OP agreed one thing with her husband and now she wants to do something else and he is not in agreement.
Part time would seem to be a compromise but obviously she has to get a suitable job but they are not that easily available.

Posters such as Pagwatch, Wordfactory and Bonsoir who refer to their high earning, senior, flexible husbands etc are muddying the water a bit.
The OP clearly isn't in this type of situation, she wont be working for fun but rather a contributing wage.

word the thing is 'childcare' as you say is mainly what the OP does. She does childcare when she gets them ready to go to school, when she picks them up from school at the end of the day, when she takes them to activities during the weekend or take them to the park.

my very issue is the fact that the OP's DH has no idea what sort of disruption would come with his DW working full time again. It's not about the HW (I suspect he won't be doing more as he will 'tired' from his ever so difficult job). It's about all the days off you need to take to take dcs to the Gp, when they are ill, when you have a PD day or a strike.
It seems that the only thing he is looking at is 'OP is just enjoying herself doing fuck all whilst I am working so hard. If she was working, I we would be able to have more money.' Expecting his life as a worker to carry on as normal, just with more money. Expecting the OP to still shoulder all these problems, whatever the cost to her own work/career. And that is a really big issue in my books.

mindosa I read it that they had agreed something and he changed his mind by asking her to go back to work.

My understanding is also that she actually agreed to do that. She IS looking for a job but hasn't found one yet. But that he finds it enough of an excuse to belittled her for that.

... just to highjack the thread slightly, I had never heard the term "PD day", which several posters have used on this thread, and had to google it. Is this a new term (DC's school still calls them "training days"?

"It seems that the only thing he is looking at is 'OP is just enjoying herself doing fuck all whilst I am working so hard. If she was working, I we would be able to have more money.' Expecting his life as a worker to carry on as normal, just with more money. Expecting the OP to still shoulder all these problems, whatever the cost to her own work/career. And that is a really big issue in my books."

I very much agree that this is a common problem.

Yes PD days are 'Personal development Days' aka training days for the teachers.

lady I agree that the OP provides child care and her Dh should see that. But I didn't realise he wanted her to work full time or that he didn't intend to help with children/home in the event that she got a job. It could be that he would be wankerish about it and expect her to work AND do all the other stuff. But maybe not. Or maybe he's expecting to outsource some of it if they both work?

This thread makes me so frustrated.

Women all having a pop at other women who are making decisions freely available to them because other women fought for rights so that we had choice.

Feminism is about choice. Choose to work, or not to work - you are an adult free to do whatever suits you because you live in a country where you can.

Being at home is NOT my choice, but, it minimises the detriment to our family caused by the shit that life has thrown our way. Others work because they have to - you might prefer to work less or not at all, but, you are not denied the option by the government, just by circumstance.

Either scenario is just making the best out of a bad lot - and there's a whole heap of folk on this thread who simply don't see how lucky they are to be able to freely exercise their choice.

The sneering and scoffing on this thread angers me because we're all doing our best. Our lives are all different so our bests look different.

I need to justify myself to mumsnet for not working - my son needs me when he is sick, well, they all need me all the time, so, I am there. That is valuable, it really matters.

There isn't anyone I could pay to do a better job than I'm doing of turning these kids into secure adults. Having holidays and extras and being "seen" to be making an effort for a society that would rather i was paying tax really, really doesn't matter as much as that.

Sadly, that's not valued by anyone other than my children.

I agree with wordfactory that OP has not said her dh will not step up to the plate and shoulder some of the burden of a working wife.

It is not beyond the wit of any man to see that some of these will fall on him once his wife is at work as a trade-off. But he may very well prefer it to being the sole earner, something he never agreed to take on once the children are at school.

I agree with nooka's take on the trade off which I am repeating below. The significant benefits of running on dual engines could very well outweigh the inconvenience of less leisure time for the main earner. I know I like a balance of working and enjoying family time and mucking in on the childcare/housework front rather than rigid traditional division of labour. My dh and I feel like a team because we understand fully what the other goes through. The extra money is also very welcome. My dh can appreciate he has a higher standard of living and more security that his siblings and his peers because I bring in a not insignificant wedge.

I don't think we can write the OP's dh off without giving him a chance to try out the new arrangement. Of course, it all hinges on the OP finding a job, which I accept it not easy in her circumstances.

nooka: "Now he is working again I have lost probably an hour each evening and two or three at the weekend in terms of domestic chores (we split 50:50 and our children pitch in) so no I wasn't living the life of riley then and suffering now. We now have almost twice the money, far more flexibility and long term security. I'm much happier (and dh is with it OK too)."

All the posters with high flying dhs in the City. Much as most of these high earning men in the City may love their jobs, it is a very tough world and these jobs no longer offer the lifelong security they once did. Blame the Americans and the economic situation but these is more intense pressure on these people to meet targets and competition than ever before. No job is secure. I have seen a few of them come under pressure to leave or retire early if they are not producing. Others made redundant. Coupled with the travelling and long hours, it is increasingly a young man's (person, haha) game.

I can understand that their spouses would find it easier not to work but best to have a plan B just in case.

I wouldn't be writing the Op's DH off if he had the good grace to be respectful towards the OP, which isn't the case.

I agree that about the trade off. I also agree about choice and the fact that no one should sneer at someone else choice because 'it just looks lazy to me' or whatever else it is.
For some families, the trade off is better when one partner is at home. For others, it's better when both are working.
But usually it's a joint decision not imposed by one and have to be accepted by the other. In the case of the OP, it is clear that her DH is pushing as hard as he can for her to be back at work. And he is being a prat about the fact she hasn't found a job yet. In these circumstances, I am wondering if the decision to go back to work is a joint one tbh.

Also
I don't think we can write the OP's dh off without giving him a chance to try out the new arrangement. Of course, it all hinges on the OP finding a job, which I accept it not easy in her circumstances.

so the OP's DH can have a 'try' at her working and can then say 'Oh well, actually it doesn't suit me so let's go back to you being a SAHM'.
Does it mean that the OP can also have a try and say 'Oh I've had a try and I don't think working is working for me.' or' I love working, let's carry on' even if her H isn't that keen??

Blueshoes if you have had one of these jobs for many years you don't need a plan B !

Tbh Mindosa I'm not sure what I have contributed tht has muddied the waters at all.
My circumstances are mine alone and I have only referred to them when trying to illustrate that all our choices are personal and specific to our circumstances.
( and actually my dh doesn't work just now and I have my own money )

Wow some WOHMs are very bitter to SAHPs! A minority of posters tend to spout the benefits and joys of working on some posts and then the burdens on another, such as why should DH toil all hours while you have an easy life. maybe working can be overrated after all!

I am a SAHM to school age although I study 16 hrs a week. I have shedloads to do. Never bored. DH loves it as he can concentrate on his job and be called in at short notice etc whereas many with childcare issues cannot. It takes the stress off (we have both worked f/t in the past so know how it compares for us). We chose smaller mortgage and share a car etc to manage this so it isn't stressful financially.

I love being able to put DC first, attend school plays, be there if they are off sick etc without worrying about employers competing needs. I have the choice to do that (acknowledge for some putting DC first is putting roof over their head or working for sanity if hate SAH).

I also agree with a poster above who said that teenagers need a lot of time too. It is hard enough keeping on the rails when you are around a lot!! I used to hear horror stories abut what went on in friend's empty houses after school!

It comes down to do you want your time to benefit yourself and family or to sell to someone else.

Most of the children at DC's primary have SAHM or SAHD or dual working with one or both part time. Most DC have a parent at home or part time then. More time with DC is a good thing. Picking up DC from school is a good thing. The vast majority have grandparents doing childcare.

mindosa, it is not a given that if you have had that big City job for many years that you don't have to worry about a plan B. Big jobs come with the big lifestyle. It is not unusual to be pushed out whilst you still have dependent children nor be able to see it coming from a long way off ...

I think the 'bitterness' is usually 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
For every thread bashing sahms there is another one full of wohm.
It's all just dim really.