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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gutted, stalker has made contact after 8 months

42 replies

Scared76 · 22/03/2014 19:13

In May last year I had a very brief fling with someone I had known for years but hadn't seen for years until I bumped. It was for one week and I met with him 3 times in the space of that week. He came on very strong so I finished it. What followed was nearly 3 months of him texting me, driving past me on the school run, he even stopped me when I was with my children. His messages ranged from friendly to nasty.

I initially responded to him saying to leave me alone then I ignored his messages as he was not getting it. As it escalated I contacted the police, they classed it as domestic abuse because there had been some sort of relationship. He reacted angrily to the female officer that called him, he then called the police station the next day to apologise saying he didn't realise my distress.

I didn't hear anymore from him, until today. We live in the same town and I saw him in the distance walking. I was with my children and quickly changed my route. 10 minutes later I receive a text message from him saying that he saw me and wanted to say hi and he hopes I'm ok??! So no contact since the end of July and now this?

What would you advise I do?

Contact the police as I have a crime number from the last time or just ignore and hope he thinks I changed my number (bloody wish I had) or ignore and change my number?

Sorry for the length of this but it was hell before and I became ill, I can't go through that again. Also I'm with a new partner and stupidly didn't tell him as I wanted to bury it as it was a terrible time and I felt ashamed and weak :(

Any advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2014 19:21

I would contact the police today and state that he has contacted you again. Give them the crime number quoted last time.

It is not your fault he has contacted you again.

Do not confront your stalker or even engage them in conversation.

Do not, under any circumstances, agree to a meeting to talk about how you feel about them constantly bothering you.

Do not respond in any way to calls, letters, or conversations. If you ignore the phone nine times and pick it up on the tenth, you will send the message that persistence pays. Once they have your attention, they will be encouraged to carry on.

akaWisey · 22/03/2014 19:22

Tell your partner, tell the police and don't respond.

Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 19:24

Thank you. I will definitely not respond but I just can't get my head around why re-start this again? The police officer made it clear to him he was not allowed to contact me. Just can't understand why he thinks this is ok and especially as I essentially ignored his messages before?

OP posts:
ballsballsballs · 22/03/2014 19:35

I would call the police.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Flowers

wyrdyBird · 22/03/2014 19:43

Definitely ignore; tell police, tell your partner. Consider changing your number.
Don't feel ashamed and weak. It's not your fault.

Why does he think it's ok? Because there's something wrong with him: he doesn't care about your boundaries, or you :( Nasty piece of work.

Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 21:02

I really thought it was over. I thought the police had scared him off, obviously not :( It took so much to report him last time, I did it all in secret and just don't want to have to do it all over again. I'm worried about telling my partner as I don't want to have to explain it all to him and also I know he will go mad and possibly approach stalker which I couldn't handle. As I know stalker would probably love the drama of it. Just wish he would fuck off and disappear. Who the hell does he think he is? Why would someone want to do this? It was 1 week! Although if it had been 1 week, 1 year, 10 years or whatever it doesn't give anyone the right to do this, I can't bear it.

OP posts:
LondonNinja · 22/03/2014 21:07

The idiot probably thinks time has passed and it's ok to text you now. You mustn't reply to anything. Tell the police and tell your partner, too. Don't be scared into keeping quiet.

Sorry you're going through this. It sounds so stressful.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/03/2014 21:10

Why are you with someone now who would probably approach the stalker Confused

LondonNinja · 22/03/2014 21:10

FWIW, I think seeing you jogged his memory IYSWIM? Rather than him proactively seeking you, I mean. Stupid man.

Change your number, OP. Or block him?

Rupertandfifi · 22/03/2014 21:14

Don't respond to him
Change your number
Speak to the police
Tell your partner.

I had a stalker in the past and you do feel guilty / ashamed / embarrassed. I didn't tell the partner I had after the stalker and it caused a few problems (don't want to divulge too much on here)
I then didn't have a partner until I met dh. I told dh early in the relationship. I felt embarrassed but dh was fantastic and occasionally I need to talk about it & I can do without fear of being judged. If your new partner is decent - he will only be supportive.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot · 22/03/2014 21:15

Report it, change your number or block and tell your DP, if your DP is worth anything, he'll be nothing but very supportive and protective.

Smilesandpiles · 22/03/2014 21:18

Install a blocking app on your ohone and add him to it. Call the police. Tell your DP and everyone else. Let as many people know about this as possible.

Smilesandpiles · 22/03/2014 21:18

*phone.

Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 21:18

Maybe you're right about the jogging of the memory, just wish he'd stay away.

As for why I'm with someone who would possibly approach him, because as lovely as he is I know he would hate this and how it makes me feel and be protective although I would hope he wouldn't approach him there could be a possibility but I suppose I cannot take responsibility for that it's all just so worrying and stressful and it's making me paranoid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 21:22

Sorry a few crossed posts. Sorry to hear you've had a similar experience in the past Rupert :(

I looked into blocking his number before but my phone provider said that I couldn't (iPhone 5 EE) and that I'd have to change my number.

OP posts:
Smilesandpiles · 22/03/2014 21:24

You can block calls if you download an app.

It may actually be worth getting rid of the Iphone and getting an android instead as I know for a fact you can download blocking apps and use them. I've got one on mine.

(On another note, I was thinking of getting an Iphone but seeing as you can't block people I shant bother, so thank you for that as I need to keep my ex fling blocked too)

kalidanger · 22/03/2014 21:36

You can block a contact on an iPhone. Bit fully, which is annoying, but you won't get the calls, they'll go straight to voicemail and you won't get any texts. See his number is recent calls and scroll down. I've had to do this for similar reason but unfortunately I still get voicemails and he's worked out how to put 141 in front if my number so they now come through as No Caller ID.

Would your dp go stomping straight off the confront this man? As soon as you mentioned it? You wouldn't be able to stop him? If so; that's really not great. Can't you have a quiet convo where you explain what's happened and that you're going to contact the police again?

kalidanger · 22/03/2014 21:37

Not* fully

Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 21:41

Thanks kalidanger, how do I do that? He only called previously on one occasion before I called the police but he communicated through text messages.

I'm not sure how my partner would react, I'd hope he wouldn't but I'm just so scared of making things worse :(

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 22/03/2014 21:48

If you have iOS 7 then go to the last call/text and tap on the info icon, scroll down and it should give you the option to block the number

SpinningFates · 22/03/2014 21:53

Tell the police now. Get a log number. If he contacts you again, in any way, call the police again and quote the log number. If you record more than one instance of unwelcome contact, it shows a course of conduct and the police can tell him to back off. If he is persistant, the police can do more to help you if the harassment is logged.

kalidanger · 22/03/2014 21:56

It's worrying that you think telling your partner would make things worse :(

You could tell the police. Call 101 and quote your old crime number. They will call back and you can explain to them that it's started again. Or maybe that feels like an over reaction if he's just sent one text? It didn't to me when mine started again but unfortunately my situation is complicated in other ways Biscuit

JokersGiggle · 22/03/2014 22:15

I'm so sorry that your going through this. My dh had a stalker Sad we moved then she found us and turned up at the house. When I was pregnant she threatened to break in and drug me. When I MC she sent congratulations cards. (to this day we don't know how she knew I was pregnant or that I MC)
Tell the police. The person can start out obsessed with you but it can quickly include your children and other loved ones (that's what the police told me)
And remember that its not you're fault Thanks

Original poster
Scared76 · 22/03/2014 22:31

So if I called the police could I just log it without them taking any action and then if it escalates again they could?

Kalidanger - yes I do feel like maybe I'm overreacting but also I know how quickly he can go from nice to nasty but god knows why I'm just feeling reluctant to involve the police over a message saying hi, I just feel torn.

Jokersgiggle - that sounds horrendous, truly awful. I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened to her in the end?

Thank you everyone for your advice tonight.

OP posts:
SpinningFates · 22/03/2014 22:38

Yes - get the contact logged. You have a history of domestic violence. He was abusive to a female police officer. The police need to know is up to his old tricks.

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